It was a strange old day today

I was doing lots of stuff and doing nothing if you know what I mean? I just did lots of small jobs which were 5 or 10 minutes things but I didn't stop all day.

I'm really pleased that members of the Council are happy with the work I am producing and so that is great. I hope that they will enjoy the results more than the initial plans! Then we can all be happy.

I have to get a load of information out of my head and into the Boss's brain by Friday so that I can get on with my Hospital stuff and leave them with plenty to think about.

I still feel quite tired and more surprisingly my legs ache a lot. I wonder if that is just that I am walking close to 3 miles a day and I'm just not used to it or that I tend to sit in one place a lot more where I didn't do too much of that here.

Soaked

Go on - how many times do you really examine the soles of your shoes? Every day, week, fortnight? Well I probably saw the soles of my shoes a week ago and today, as the heavens opened and my shoes filled with water I wondered, as I got to work as if walking in buckets of water, what was going on. The soles of both shoes had hairline cracks in them and like a sponge the water had just flooded my shoes.

Mmmmmmmmmm. Not happy about that at all. A new pair are needed ASAP.

Surprising Outcome

Wow - I lost the tribunal. That was a little unexpected really but says a lot for getting a good solicitor and spending that sort of money on the case.

I was a bit surprised at the result but, reading the judgement can see some (but not all) of the arguments. I'm surprised that anyone would "buy" testimony over documentation but there you go.

What this does do is release all of my intellectual property and releases ownership back to me. All of the work that I put in can therefore revert to me as there has been no reward for it and I can therefore do with my intellectual property what I like. Which, as it happens, given that I now work for a charity, means that I can donate it freely.

It is a strange decision even so, but, that is it. I was even more interested to note that the partners that I never introduced to these people and who are not recognised were all sent e-mails earlier. Such is the level of the people I had the misfortune of dealing with last year. They no longer have to worry about me, they do however have to worry about the writs coming their way from those who want their money back. I lost my time, these guys lost their time and their money. They have signed contracts - I hope that they will fare better than me.

Reflecting on that anxiety

I suppose that so much of the anxiety about going to this pre-assessment is about what they "might" find wrong with you. I know that it is good to know what you've got or you perhaps shouldn't think abut things that way and yet, cancer gives you a niggle ALL the time.

You see everything is cancer. I made my mouth bleed the other day and that was cancer. Had a nose bleed, a stomach upset, you name it, the mind says its come to get you another way.

I don't think there is any logic at all in those arguments but then again, logic and rationalisation go out of the window with something like this.

The nurse said, as we joked about my heightened anxiety, that one of her patients has been coming in for scrapes for 24 years and he still gets stressed out. Now I read that differently. I don't want to keep having to come back for 24 years. It's been 2 years this July. I may get out of this in 3 or 4 years (well that is my hope). I don't want to add 20 more years on top of that. I don't get ill, I'm not poorly, I am generally a well person and to be ill is very unusual. I would find it very difficult to be a habitual patient.

I think though that I may be stuck with the worry that everything was a sign of impending doom afterwards. Having had the shock of being mortal - everyting becomes a worry.

I should think how lucky I am that I work in a place that shows me real life on a daily basis. I think that leveller is going to be a good thing for me. Working for a charity that relieves poverty and distress does mean that no matter how bad you think things are for you, for other people it can be a whole lot worse.

Again, I marvel at my inability to realise how seriously ill I really was, someone did take me to one side and tell me all about my attitude and how it was paying dividends being so positive. I don't feel that at all. But maybe I have built up my own shields and defence mechanisms so well that I project a confident, it will be alright attitude and yet (dear reader) we know that is not the case all the time.

this Hospital stuff really focuses the mind. :-)

Unusual

My Systolic reading is high on my BP and yet the lower Diastolic reading is more or less normal. I'm not sure what that means they were always worried about the lower one being over 90 and last year it was way over that.

So it isn't that bad but of course, the damn thing is falling away now. I think that I will wait for a short while after the Operation and then do some more regular checking. I am quite good about salt levels etc. Having said that, I had a meal out on Saturday that had definitely been cooked using salt and so perhaps that might be contributory - who am I kidding :-)

Anyway, at least it isn't as bad as I feared it would be yesterday and I can go and have the operation.

OK- Acceptable

Well, that was sort of OK. I cannot help but get wound up over these things and yet there isn't a lot to them. My blood pressure was fashionably high but nowhere near my own readings. The walk up to the hospital was slow and deliberate and I was seen earlier than I should have been. They managed to find blood in my arm - despite the fact that many people may think I don't have any!

Had the MRSA tests this time and all the usual bits to make sure you can survive the surgery. I calmed down a bit but my ECG showed a high pulse rate - which is not unusual for me, I had to have beta blockers this time last year! So they were a little worried about that but I got it back under control a little later once they were no longer prodding and poking me about.

I almost got to the point of not remembering how many times I had been in when I was running through it all today with the Doctor - it is always a bit worrying when you have to tell them what you had done? As I was pleased with myself for managing to be reasonably under control I did succumb to a bag of Wine Gums on the way home - naughty but nice!!

So, just a week and a few days to go and I'll be back - not under the knife - but under the tube I suppose! I will be taking myself in this time. I have done it enough times to eel confident that I can manage that and that I will be able to turn myself off long enough to go through it. more as we get nearer no doubt. For now, back home and so can get back to work.

Not long now

I'll be heading off to the Hospital. I suppose I ought to be happy that it is just a short distance away really. It has been "lucky" that we don't have to trek miles and that I can quite happily walk there and back when I need to.

mind you I wouldn't like to walk following one of my BCG treatments! I walk like John Wayne afterwards.

I'm resigned to the fact that my BP might be off the scale today as it was yesterday when I took my readings. I can't do a lot about it so might as well just see what happens.

Tomorrow and the assessment

I'm not sure if I'll get through the assessment given that I just re-took my BP readings and they are really high. They shouldn't be, I'm on medication to keep the figures down so I was a bit surprised by the results. The thing I must remember is not to turn up all flustered tomorrow. I will take a slow walk there rather than do a route march.

I'll see what readings they get tomorrow I suppose - I'm normally on the high side but will need to work out whether to go and see my Doctor if this stays the way it is.

Great Evening Out

The band were great. They were preceded by a young bunch of guys called The Fore - they were really interesting and played all their own songs. I was impressed with them. Not quite my scene but I can see that they'd go far if they get seen by the right people.

G2 were fantastic, I had heard good things about them but they surpassed expectations and were as I remember the original band - although these guys weren't as loud nor were they filling a stadium :-)


All in all I had a great day out and thoroughly enjoyed myself. C came and picked me up as it was a bit out in the wilds. Mind you I can hardly believe the pub there who didn't get on extra staff. They were quoting a 2 hour wait for food!!! Ridiculous, they must have lost a fortune.

4 days

It has been 4 days since I last posted a blog. I have to say that I have been out most evenings and then collapsed into bed early every day this week.

I suppose that it is because I have been working flat out to get the projects I am working on complete for Monday. I won't e there on Monday and so I wanted to make sure that all was OK.

Anyway, I certainly hit the wall this week. I am very tired and feel quite drained physically although not mentally. On Monday I have my assessment. I just checked my Blood Pressure which didn't make good reading - hopefully that is just a today thing - they wont touch me if it is this high on Monday. It is a bit peculiar as I was expecting a lot lower reading. I shall try tomorrow. I'm off out in a minute to go to a concert with some buddies. It is a band called G2 who are a Genesis tribute band. They are meant to be excellent. Let's hope so.

Not long to go now

I am back for assessment next Monday and then the Operation the week after that. I can't say that I am quite as worried about this one as I was the last time. Can it be getting routine? Perhaps. I suppose I am busy at work which is good and so my mind isn't dwelling on that at the moment.

I need to stay positive that if this one is clear, I have two more to go and if they are clear then we can breathe a sigh of relief and go for a re-build and re-evaluation.

I am really enjoying my job and found out something quite interesting today. You can do almost anything without worrying about treading on any-one's toes. I asked three people for help today and they just showed me where to get the data and weren't worried about it at all. Amazing.

Anyway, I am getting on fine and burning through the work - I expect there to be some interesting meetings after I have issued all my findings. There are some real easy fixes and simple things we can do to get moving.

I haven't felt this good since

I don't know when. I mean really upbeat and quite well. I am not 100% still physically but generally my demeanour is so much better and I am feeling really quite good about life, the universe and all that.

Sad news tonight. A friend may not make it this week. He had a stroke about 3 weeks back and it isn't looking good at all. I need to drop a note to his son. It seems to have been a couple of months worth of this sort of news.

I was at a meeting tonight where we read the minutes from a year ago. I was advising them of my latest treatment and another friend, you may recall, was just going through therapy for Lung Cancer which then looked good - of course, not long after we got the bad news on that one.

I have to balance my thoughts and my expectations on that. I am still alive and that is what counts. I try and be selfish but never succeed but perhaps I ought to allow myself the luxury of being a survivor.

Sunday

A hair cut and then down to catching up with some more work I am behind on. It is a bit of a nightmare as I need to get a lot done and have taken my eye off the ball. I need to get some printing sorted out and a load of forms etc.

I should have done these a few weeks ago but starting the job and the Tribunal sort of pushed all this lot to one side. Plus not being around for last weekend much didn't help.

I'd better get on.

Brain Meltdown

Today - I have read about 120 pages of documentation, speed read 5 books and started putting together the plan for communications for when the boss gets back. I am absolutely spent. I have just been sitting in the library and here reading my way through and the poor old brain is in meltdown at the moment.

Anyway, that is no bad thing and at least I am getting up to speed with a bit more on marketing and PR. I understand the basics and have done a fair amount in that area but wanted to make sure that I had considered all the angles prior to publishing my ideas.

I managed to complete a regulatory project this week as well and so I am very satisfied with the week's work.

I feel very well and I am glad that I didn't go up to town today as it meant I could spend a lot of time just reading and not being in an office getting disturbed.

The weekend is catch up time as I have to get a load of personal and Masonic stuff sorted out.

Confirmation

That is good - confirmed appointments at the Hospital so at least I can get that sorted out. I can plan what I am doing now and get myself planned out and set up for it.

Another good day today and quite a lot more achieved. Research tomorrow is the name of the game. I've done a lot of sales type activities in my time but not a great deals of customer retention work which I need to swot up on tomorrow.

Right, I ought to go and get changed as I am due out in about an hour.

Catching up on my workload

It is amazing how quickly I have gotten behind on my internal workload. I will need to sort that out this weekend.

I actually have a part day tomorrow and plan to do some research on Friday meaning I won't be in the office so that will be good.

Today I sat in on one of the decision making committees which was very interesting. I am working on some interesting policy stuff too and thoroughly enjoying it still.

I'm a bit concerned that I haven't heard back from the Hospital to confirm my appointment and assessment. That is only a few weeks away! I have dropped them a note and hope that I get something back soon.

I'd like to thank

The criminal mastermind who drove into my car today. Luckily no one was hurt but a car being pursued by the police glanced off the side of our car at speed. I wasn't in it C was driving and I was on my way home from work. Well, at least no one was hurt.

Work was good again today - I nearly worked way past the end of the day! Luckily someone packed up across the way and I looked at my watch I was well away on this job I am doing

Still enjoying that and really getting to grips with it all now. I may even get to remember some more names soon.

The Difference in just a week

I am amazed how much better I feel this week. I hadn't realized quite how wound up I was about the case and the way that the other lot behaved. Mind you, I have had a chance to rationalise that now and so it is in the past. Win or Lose they haven't got the money to pay either way. I really hope that one of the other guys steps up to the plate and winds them up - that way all hell can break lose.

I've learnt a lot about greed and selfishness these past 6 months. It amazes me that it was less than a year ago I set out with high hopes only to have those dashed as they stumbled at the starting gate. The trouble was they though they were on the last lap and yet they hadn't got their track suits off by then. Blinded by the end result without any plan to get there - it is the sort of stuff that makes you squirm on Dragon's Den and yet they shot the messenger rather than face up to the reality of the situation. At least they told the Judge that the business was going to make millions and be wonderful even though this was the third time they had tried :-)

How I get the smile from my face I don't know!

3 am

Is when I finally got home. We ferried the Scottish lads back to their Hotel. It was a great afternoon and it looks as if it was a first for English masonry. We had Roast Beef and Haggis for the meal and then went on to a club to have a Harmony - which was a series of songs and jokes with ample beers and Whisky being drunk in between.

All very nice and they were a lovely bunch of guys. I certainly needed the rest of the day "off" and I am off to bed now as I need to start early in the morning. I will start my first full week tomorrow and I am looking forward to getting going on that.

Big Difference

In me. Much happier and feeling good about myself. Work agrees with me and the jobs I have to do are great and varied and interesting.

The people are really friendly and aren't greedy and there is no "corporate silliness" going on.

I am glad the other nonsense is over too. I need to decide what to do about the debts the company is owed - I need to talk to my accountants about that too. Hopefully I can draw a line in the sand with that one and move on. I really hope that the business gets liquidated as that will finally get them reported and let the scale of the debts come out. At the moment they are not reporting the money they owe to me as creditor. That is false accounting in my book.

So apart from that everything else is cool./ I am off this afternoon to go and see a Scottish Rite Masonic meeting which I am looking forward to immensely as it will be the first time I would have witnessed that.

Tomorrow I shall just collapse and relax. It really does take it out of you having to work for a living :-) However, I have to say that I am now starting to feel really good about the job and some if the initial worries are over.

Enjoying my Job

Big Time!

Picked up an important review today - and they liked my first report. I really hope that they like my style - it is SO different to theirs and challenges accepted thinking. How nice to meet people who apologise that they found a typo in your work! The last lot would have had you hung drawn and quartered :-)

I can't even begin to tell you how pleased I am. I do have a problem in that I should be at my friends Dad's funeral tomorrow but cannot attend. It is my boss's last day and I need to pick up the reigns from him. They know it is important - very important as I just realised I haven't actually earned any money this year at all! Well I've earned it but not got paid it. a nil Tax return will be a first for me. C is taking my place and representing us both.

I'm really grateful to my friends for Tuesday night having to listen to me unleash my emotions for an hour or two. I find that I am not able to tell everyone of my problems unless they actually understand the issues I am talking about. At least I have some social interaction at work now!

Busy old day

I finally got my pass to get in and out of the building which is much better. I will be able to work a bit more flexibly then from now on. The routine is interesting and the same train there and back is also a bit alien to me.

I've run out of suits and ties - well I have hardly worn them for years.

Spoke to some friends today about "things" thought it was quite funny that the ex employers (alleged) are now going to be asking for a load of money up front, no return etc but they don't have any real documentation to back that up - most companies will run away when being asked for that level of investment. That is Dragon's Den stuff and if you took the worst person you ever saw on it and took their brain out and certified them dead - they'd probably still be rocket scientists compared to my lot.

Second Tuesday

We head off to the pub and meet with the old school chums! Old we are indeed now :-) In our early 50s well we are 50! Anyway - you now what I mean.

Had a nice call from a friend and he cheered me up as he said he hadn't seen me looking or sounding so well in years. Well - that lifted me even more. Today was good, I was really pleased with the reception I got at committee and my project is on the roll. I am really making an effort to get this right. It is very important to them (and me of course) that this goes off well.

As for my past, I am learning to put that behind me now and to get on with this opportunity.

The Dust Has Settled Now

I had to go out tonight and I feel surprisingly relieved of the weight of all of this. The evidence is given and they must have expended a fortune on briefs, copies of documents and everything else. I suppose they feel it was worth it. Not sure what all the other creditors are doing. I can't imagine they are waiting for me to give them a lead. One of them or all of them collectively needs to shut them down.

Anyhow, hopefully this is now gone away and win or lose it can be firmly put in a drawer or burnt.

It made me feel quite ill but I can see that go away now and can get on with something far more important - that of making a difference to underprivileged and distressed children. I have a committee meeting tomorrow which will "rubber stamp" my first project. I will be working on some major initiatives in the next 6 months and I am really looking forward to showing them what I can do and bring to the role.

What a day

What a headache just starting too. Got to the Station - arrived in time - got a ticket - the cancelled the Train due to the Snow. Had to get back out of the Station call C, half walked half ran home, got picked up and shot off. Managed to find a car park walked up the stairs - there was the Tribunal Offices - had made it before I would have by train and walking!

Large breakfast, they were delayed, then they wanted time and then, we started - not pleasant and all a bit confusing but think it went as well as expected but not know certain of the outcome as their brief was very good I thought. We sparred a bit but some stuff was way beyond my comprehension. There was some obvious left field stuff coming in and the old boss was there to taunt me but kept quiet and only sat in the corner and glared and glowered at me. Old trick meant to unsettle but actually did the opposite.

Anyway, we have to wait and see - perhaps for up to 4 weeks for a ruling. It was made very complicated due to the other relationships that were around at the time.

So, I can close the door on this apart from it took all day to do this. Anyway, home now, one major worry off my chest, had my day in court and let the Judge decide. I probably wouldn't have got much satisfaction anyway. Mind you it must have cost them a fortune in documents, files, fares and a brief for all day. So there is a cost I doubt they can afford unless funded by other means.

Back to real and meaningful work tomorrow. A real job and my first committee meeting too. Looking forward to that immensely.

Wound UP all day

We awoke to Snow - we hadn't gotten finished from the party to 2:30 or so in the morning. I was shattered and have spent a lot of the day refining and revising my Tribunal stuff. I feel really rough - nerves are a terrible thing even if I feel that I am right, I don't fancy sitting there and listening to the two Witness statements they have provided they are pretty disgusting but I hope the Tribunal will pick up on the facts of the case.

I have no doubt that I will feel a lot better this time tomorrow.

The snow has melted - I hope it keeps away tomorrow I don't want to have any excuses to have to go through all of this lot again.

At last

After 15 months or more trying to sort out these accounts I found where I had made a mess of them last time, altered that which nicely rippled through and meant this year's accounts balance too. Thank goodness for that - I have those ready for audit now.

The Tribunal is on for Monday - more paperwork arrived this morning that they issued yesterday - I have no idea what they think they are doing issuing it this late? Absolutely crazy and not relevant either. It will be interesting but a little annoying too that this has to proceed but I suppose that is the way of things. We shall see what the Tribunal make of all of this irrelevant stuff. The case is quite straight forward and buying something you cannot afford and saying after you have it that you aren't going to pay is hardly a defence. Oh well, at least I don't have to say that to the Judge!

Mind you it is all pretty bizarre behaviour as they must have spent as much on the solicitor as they would have spent to settle in the first place.

Seriously this is doing my head in

Accounts. Now I have been doing what I call contract accounting for years and I can do project accounting budgeting and just about everything else, IRR, NPV and all that good stuff but can I work out a balance sheet? Not on your life! I ave just been through my accounts and they look fine as I can account for every penny in and out but can I get the balance sheet to balance? No way!

I think I am going to have to admit defeat and let an accountant look at the figures so that they can show me where I have gone wrong. I wonder if I made a mistake on the accounts a year back and I have pulled it through with these accounts?

It is too late now - I am going to bed retiring hurt :-)

Oh well

Home - early day on Friday which is nice. Gets me home ahead of the traffic and rush hour. No word about the Tribunal so looks as if I will have to attend that on Monday - I could have done without that but I am making the right impression at work and so far they can see some results coming through and are beginning to get a flavour of the sort of things I can do. It isn't great timing of course. I hope that they have a good argument for having put the first hearing back as it will be (I think) a straight forward case no matter what they say.

Tomorrow is As 18th Birthday party and we are hoping that we will have a lovely evening. A bit worried about the number of 18 year olds there and not many places will take them for obvious reasons.

She appeared to have a good day yesterday - now she can vote and go to the pub! Amazing - she hasn't taken me to the pub yet though!!

The Dreams

How strange it is - noticing that I fall asleep easier, have pleasant dreams and feel a lot better in myself. It feels good so far but I am pretty tired. I need to get some work done tonight as I have been tied up these past few days and unable to get onto these figures.

I can't work out how I have managed to increase the balance at the Bank and yet cannot make the balance sheet show that? It is one of those things that I really never did understand and I've already said to these guys that they need to relieve me of the job as soon as they can as I find it difficult to do. I'm normally quite good at most things and I'm quite OK with figures but I am afraid that balance sheets leave me cold.

Shaken to my core

I really have been shaken by the revelations of the way people treat each other but more especially their children.

As a children's charity you expect to have cases of hardship and tragedy. I hadn't realised that people would treat their children so badly. It has come as a shock to me what people find acceptable. It puts my own horror at my previous employer's behaviour into context. My goodness, they are amateurs in the scheme of things I have read in the past few days.

Don't get me wrong - I am more convinced now than ever that I am going to make a difference here.

I was out tonight at a Jazz night - it has been 20 years since it started and I have been going almost all f that time. A lady walked in with headscarf, no eyebrows and the obvious signs of Radio/Chemo - we chatted and she had just completed her course. I said "This is what living looks like" - then sort of said "well kind of - you wouldn't want to look like this!. I think she understood what I meant. She came out and wore her headscarf with pride. We agreed that we were fighters. I like the Esprit de Corps you get with cancer. If you haven't had it you probably wont get it.

As a further aside, my dreams are back in full flow and they are generally hopeful and pleasant. I haven't had that sort of dream for perhaps 18 months or more. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have dreams that settle me down and don't upset me!

I think I am beginning to enjoy my job and the responsibility to perform its duties.

How was it for you?

Well - pretty harrowing really. I spent most of the day running through a series of case studies that can only be called pretty distressing at the least. It is a lovely place to work - great people as you would expect.

I did a number of early bits of work on the cases studies which certainly made me consider what we were all really there for. I ended up getting home late as a friend called me on the way out and we had a few beers on the way home. I got home gone 9 which considering I left the office at about 5:20 was some one or two drinks!

Anyway - a different day to the one I was expecting but nonetheless, I did enjoy it and the day rattled past pretty quickly.