You'll Be Surprised Just What You Can Do

Chatting to someone who wanted to know a bit more about my Bladder Cancer and I walked through some of the things I'd had done to me.  At this time, especially if you are male, you start to squirm when the operations and the treatment regime are described.  "You were brave" he said.  "Not at all" I replied.  You see you just need to make a decision about whether you want to live and then you have to trust your team and all the pioneers who have gone before, your fellow sufferers who have also done this - it isn't as if it is new science albeit that things have moved on even in the last 7 years.

Looking back I surprised myself quite what I was able to achieve and what I went through and I should take some comfort that I stood up and did these things (well stood up may be an oxymoron) but nevertheless I faced my demons, I had these things done to me, even recently, and I am here.  

I wonder then why I'm not standing up to my personal demons now and why I'm not being proactive and determined as I was then?  Well I suppose I had no choice in terms of treatment, it was a life or death decision (cue trainspotting narrative) and of course this personal turmoil actually has choices, choices of outcomes, compromises, emotional pain, sadness, joy and all sorts all mixed up together it is far less black and white (am I allowed to say that in the EU?).  It is a route with variable courses of action open to me and that's the thing.  If you choose one way will you also regret it or find it some sort of half hearted compromise?  I don't actually know (of course) who would?

There are no parallels here, if I make a decision I can change it, I can modify it, I can do many things even back track but when it came to Bladder Cancer there was only a binary decision at the beginning, I think it was live or die.  There were only a couple of possible  ways it could progress and there were other outcomes - keep or lose you bladder (my friend just lost his).   There were other minor course changes and choices that may have been there but they weren't my call, the were my Consultant who, whilst discussing these with me, I felt had the ultimate say, I just had to big up and have them done.

So I look back and suggest that you will be surprised what you can do when presented with a life changing problem.  In some ways, some of the decision making is taken away from you but you can do things to help yourself and life style and diet are part of that.

Where you don't have that guidance and the stakes aren't quite as high then you may have problems.  Me, I'd like to pack up and run away right now, go somewhere in the country, near the sea and scrape a living just so I could enjoy the area, walking and so on.  I really don't like being where I am right now.  Nothing against the people as such apart from they've not had these experiences and they don't look at things the way I do.  My mind was re-wired by cancer and my sights set elsewhere.  My value system is completely different as is my moral and spiritual conscience.  

I hate people trying to change me or trying to sell me something I don't want and I don't want to sell my ideas like that onto others - I don't think it is fair on them and certainly looks like being an extremely selfish act on my own part.  This sounds a bit rambling but what I mean is that out of the household I'm the only one who is not the same person I was 7 years ago.  I no longer recognise the me of 8 or 9 years ago at all.  I find myself to be diametrically different and there is the problem.   I'm no longer at ease with what I have, where I live, who I live with, the things I/We do etc.  My friends are still my friends but dynamics have changed there too, Only I see my friends these days regularly.  We don't do much together anymore and that allows me to go and do my things (Monza, Scotland later this month etc) and once that starts to happen more regularly then the cracks will open further.

Trying to tackle this is difficult and very slow and steady.  No idea whether it will succeed though.  But unlike when I was ill and I could face these things head on, this needs kid gloves and psychology and political management - it's like treading on egg shells all the time.  Progress is slow - perhaps too slow but lets' see where we go from here.