I suppose that is only natural? Boy am I p1ssed off with it at the moment.
I've decided that the "I'm not dead yet" Tee Shirt and I are going down to the GPs. I need to raise my game here. I'm possibly even more upset than when I was diagnosed - I think it is the combination of things and the I'm getting and feeling better at last and this just stopping that feeling in its tracks.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Came over all unnecessary just then
I just had a bloody good cry. That little wave of emotion just came up and grabbed me. I wasn't expecting something like this I have to say. As it wasn't on my plan of how things are going to go that one really caught me full on the chin. High Glucose means one thing in my memory and that is diabetes. I suppose it may be nothing more than a warning signal and needs observation but it has shaken me to the core today.
If I wasn't paranoid that the "man was coming to get me" I might just be now. I have calmed down a bit and I'm going to go and sit quietly and go through some of my calming routines.
I've really had enough of being ill today and I was giving it the "why me?", "I don't deserve this" and all that old stuff.
Those of you who know me - will know this is just a temporary glitch and I'm going to be OK. I am just really feeling it today it's as if the last 10 months just crashed down on me after the phone call from the GP.
Worse things happen at sea of course!
If I wasn't paranoid that the "man was coming to get me" I might just be now. I have calmed down a bit and I'm going to go and sit quietly and go through some of my calming routines.
I've really had enough of being ill today and I was giving it the "why me?", "I don't deserve this" and all that old stuff.
Those of you who know me - will know this is just a temporary glitch and I'm going to be OK. I am just really feeling it today it's as if the last 10 months just crashed down on me after the phone call from the GP.
Worse things happen at sea of course!
That's nicely wiped out anything else I was planning to do today
Why is it everytime I build myself up and feel good some sod comes and rips it all down again. Damn it all.
That's my afternoon gone to pieces. Bloody hell.
That's my afternoon gone to pieces. Bloody hell.
Now What?
Oh sh1t - someting wrong with the blood tests - I need to go in again this afternoon to see the Doc. Repeat the blood tests - oh great!
What the hell else can be wrong?
What the hell else can be wrong?
That's It
My business VPN connection has been severed and I am now officially out of touch with my old company. Yesterday two more senior members resigned and so the after shocks reverberate on.
I have just cleaned off all my old files and shut down the laptop for the last time. A bit sad to see it go back into its case.
I have just cleaned off all my old files and shut down the laptop for the last time. A bit sad to see it go back into its case.
Back to Salt
There is a news report on the BBC web site today all about reducing salt and the subsequent reduction in heart disease. CLICK HERE to go to the web site and read the details.
Yesterday I was out in the evening as well as pigging out on a cooked breakfast earlier in the day - on both occasions the salt was left well alone but I did use some pepper. You can get used to it but they initial shock to the system is amazing as none of your food tastes right for perhaps a week or so.
Yesterday I was out in the evening as well as pigging out on a cooked breakfast earlier in the day - on both occasions the salt was left well alone but I did use some pepper. You can get used to it but they initial shock to the system is amazing as none of your food tastes right for perhaps a week or so.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Some people are SO nice
And I mean that without my normal cynical edge. Tonight there were a lot of people delighted about my news and I'm glad that they are glad to hear it. Another friend wasn't there tonight and that was particularly sad news. Seriously bad reactions to the chemotherapy and I'm really sad about that. Now what do I do when I drop a note to him? Tell him that I'm getting better? I don't think so. Not sure what to say as it is really serious and I was trying to work out what I found encouraging or helpful in the dark times myself?
Even I find it difficult to know what to say to someone suffering with a higher graded cancer than my own and there I was moaning about it earlier. I'm guessing I can do the emphatizing bit and I'm guessing that my glimmers of a recovery could be used as grab points.
Again, you feel pretty helpless at times like this.
Even I find it difficult to know what to say to someone suffering with a higher graded cancer than my own and there I was moaning about it earlier. I'm guessing I can do the emphatizing bit and I'm guessing that my glimmers of a recovery could be used as grab points.
Again, you feel pretty helpless at times like this.
The Habitual Patient
I couldn't quite get the hang of this but it sounded like someone was in every day to have their blood taken - every day!!! What on earth is that about? And someone was chatting away matter of fact about all the procedures and things that were wrong with her and I was thinking - here am I complaining about having 3 tests in 6 weeks (actually that IS a lot) and of course two last year. I suppose I should think myself lucky that the last time I was tested was 12 years or more and 30 years before that.
I hope that I don't have any other health problems as I don't think I could stand being a habitual patient and moving from GP to Hospital to clinic and being able to reference my days by what place I was going and what procedure I was having.
I need to remember that there are lot of people far worse off than I am.
I hope that I don't have any other health problems as I don't think I could stand being a habitual patient and moving from GP to Hospital to clinic and being able to reference my days by what place I was going and what procedure I was having.
I need to remember that there are lot of people far worse off than I am.
My Theory - Old People at the Blood Clinic this morning
Perhaps they were my age when they arrived but they could never find a number and have been wandering around the corridors ever since? If I'd have waited any longer I would have been able to pull my bus pass and get a free ride home.
Roll on being Grandpa Simpson.
Roll on being Grandpa Simpson.
The Full Monty - in praise of the good old Greasy Spoon Cafe
After having my blood taken I was walking home and there was the local cafe. It's a nice little place, very clean and tidy, nice people and it does a good range of good honest, no frills, no fuss food.
So - hugely disappointed that I hadn't even got an "I've been a brave boy" sticker for my bravery in having my blood test, I thought I'll go and treat myself. Now as a treat, having food may not seem particularly high up on the list. A New Car, a holiday perhaps but food?
Of course. There is nothing like a good full Monty, full blow out English Breakfast is there? They'd just checked my cholesterol and all the other stuff and lets face it, I've been eating like a test pilot for Weight Watchers this past 6 weeks! So I decided that my treat for not only being a brave boy but also to be a little naughty and get those blood sugars and cholesterol back up to where they should be I'd go for the breakfast that working men quake in their boots when they see it. Yes - The Full Monty. I wasn't disappointed either. Two rounds of toast with an ocean of salted butter atop them. Two fried eggs, two rashers of back bacon, two pork sausages, baked beans and - yes - bubble (for the uninitiated - Bubble and Squeak - sort of like a hash brown but with onion and /or leek in it). The oval plate was covered, you couldn't see the porcelain beneath the whole plate and there is something about busting a couple of fried eggs open and letting the yolk mingle with the bean juice that just says - Knoshing Irons to the ready - PIG OUT!!!!
I duly pigged out and of course you have to use your bread or toast to mop up all the juice.
I reckon I have consumed enough salt and sugar to keep me going for a month but hey - it really is only every now and then. It sure made up for the waiting about for the blood test and breaking my fast too.
Long live the Greasy Spoon and the Full Monty say I!
So - hugely disappointed that I hadn't even got an "I've been a brave boy" sticker for my bravery in having my blood test, I thought I'll go and treat myself. Now as a treat, having food may not seem particularly high up on the list. A New Car, a holiday perhaps but food?
Of course. There is nothing like a good full Monty, full blow out English Breakfast is there? They'd just checked my cholesterol and all the other stuff and lets face it, I've been eating like a test pilot for Weight Watchers this past 6 weeks! So I decided that my treat for not only being a brave boy but also to be a little naughty and get those blood sugars and cholesterol back up to where they should be I'd go for the breakfast that working men quake in their boots when they see it. Yes - The Full Monty. I wasn't disappointed either. Two rounds of toast with an ocean of salted butter atop them. Two fried eggs, two rashers of back bacon, two pork sausages, baked beans and - yes - bubble (for the uninitiated - Bubble and Squeak - sort of like a hash brown but with onion and /or leek in it). The oval plate was covered, you couldn't see the porcelain beneath the whole plate and there is something about busting a couple of fried eggs open and letting the yolk mingle with the bean juice that just says - Knoshing Irons to the ready - PIG OUT!!!!
I duly pigged out and of course you have to use your bread or toast to mop up all the juice.
I reckon I have consumed enough salt and sugar to keep me going for a month but hey - it really is only every now and then. It sure made up for the waiting about for the blood test and breaking my fast too.
Long live the Greasy Spoon and the Full Monty say I!
Bugger me what was all that about
Fast overnight and go to the local Hospital to get your blood tested - no problem here is the envelope thingy.
It was like the first day at a clearance sale. I got there bang on time - I had a lovely slow walk along roads that I have never walked down before (I've lived around here most of my life) and it was like the doors swung open and I followed the crowd. Then it said take a number - where are the numbers? On the Table says the old dear next to me so I walked back but they weren't there today - oh no they are in between all of the chairs where people are already having their blood taken. So I got No.26 - Yes that's what I thought. Then there is the warning notice that it is ALWAYS BUSY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING - Oh great!
So I stuck on the music and waited - and waited and - oh you get the picture. About 9:30 I suppose I got called in so I had waited an hour. The chap who did my blood was a nice lad and I was done in a few minutes. I just close my eyes and go into deep breathing and off to my quiet place (we did this in hypnotherapy) I have a nice lake all to myself with mountains and a pine forest and all that, the water laps slowly and rhythmically on the shore.
In the next post I shall share with you my reward :-) Fasting since 8 pm (or earlier in fact) the night before and then going into this chaos was not my idea of an good morning. However it is over now and I shall make sarcastic reference to this when I speak to my GP tomorrow.
Knowing how I am with Hospitals and Doctors I think he may understand why I was less than impressed with the rosy picture painted. I reckon if I had gone back late morning it would have been clearer and they say after 2 pm it is the best time.
It was like the first day at a clearance sale. I got there bang on time - I had a lovely slow walk along roads that I have never walked down before (I've lived around here most of my life) and it was like the doors swung open and I followed the crowd. Then it said take a number - where are the numbers? On the Table says the old dear next to me so I walked back but they weren't there today - oh no they are in between all of the chairs where people are already having their blood taken. So I got No.26 - Yes that's what I thought. Then there is the warning notice that it is ALWAYS BUSY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING - Oh great!
So I stuck on the music and waited - and waited and - oh you get the picture. About 9:30 I suppose I got called in so I had waited an hour. The chap who did my blood was a nice lad and I was done in a few minutes. I just close my eyes and go into deep breathing and off to my quiet place (we did this in hypnotherapy) I have a nice lake all to myself with mountains and a pine forest and all that, the water laps slowly and rhythmically on the shore.
In the next post I shall share with you my reward :-) Fasting since 8 pm (or earlier in fact) the night before and then going into this chaos was not my idea of an good morning. However it is over now and I shall make sarcastic reference to this when I speak to my GP tomorrow.
Knowing how I am with Hospitals and Doctors I think he may understand why I was less than impressed with the rosy picture painted. I reckon if I had gone back late morning it would have been clearer and they say after 2 pm it is the best time.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
It's OK to be scared sh1tless
I was reading in another forum how frightened someone was of having a cystoscopy. I think if you've read my stuff you probably know how downright scary some of this stuff can be and I'm your worst for anything like that. I think that my recent hypnotherapy went a long way to take away some of the worry but I did feel for this particular person.
It is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever had happen to me. The stress leading up to any of the procedures is pressure you can hardly imagine. The nerves and the fright and being scared and not having any sleep or being frightened to go to sleep are all part of the territory of this and I imagine any serious disease.
Because of how they get to see inside your bladder whether male or female and that in some cases they do that whilst you are awake and with a local anaesthetic is again a trauma all of its own.
So I felt so sorry for this person who was about to have this done and who you could read in between the lines was emotionally drained and perhaps even being physically sick.
There's a sort of thing people say to you about you "being brave" and actually, if the truth be known you are quaking and scared to pieces. We each have to find our ways to deal with this and that really is part of every persons own battle with their disease, their staging and their recovery. Some people just get on and let it happen to them, others like me get on with it and use various techniques (including denial I'm sure) to get on with it. Just writing this makes me feel slightly uneasy.
I've gone a long way around saying that it is OK to be scared and to be frightened and it is a natural thing to feel apprehensive about some of these procedures. Sure, there are worse things that can happen to you (someone told me that but I doubt that they'd ever had an IVU) but it is YOU going through these and it is how it affects you that matters.
If there is any consolation, it is that the human body amazes me every time. It is 1 week since my operation and whilst I feel some small discomfort - you'd hardly know. I do of course :-)
It is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever had happen to me. The stress leading up to any of the procedures is pressure you can hardly imagine. The nerves and the fright and being scared and not having any sleep or being frightened to go to sleep are all part of the territory of this and I imagine any serious disease.
Because of how they get to see inside your bladder whether male or female and that in some cases they do that whilst you are awake and with a local anaesthetic is again a trauma all of its own.
So I felt so sorry for this person who was about to have this done and who you could read in between the lines was emotionally drained and perhaps even being physically sick.
There's a sort of thing people say to you about you "being brave" and actually, if the truth be known you are quaking and scared to pieces. We each have to find our ways to deal with this and that really is part of every persons own battle with their disease, their staging and their recovery. Some people just get on and let it happen to them, others like me get on with it and use various techniques (including denial I'm sure) to get on with it. Just writing this makes me feel slightly uneasy.
I've gone a long way around saying that it is OK to be scared and to be frightened and it is a natural thing to feel apprehensive about some of these procedures. Sure, there are worse things that can happen to you (someone told me that but I doubt that they'd ever had an IVU) but it is YOU going through these and it is how it affects you that matters.
If there is any consolation, it is that the human body amazes me every time. It is 1 week since my operation and whilst I feel some small discomfort - you'd hardly know. I do of course :-)
Remarkably Calm
Considering I have to go and give blood tomorrow. My blood pressure is slightly higher and yet my pulse rate is down. I'm not allowed to eat until afterwards and only drink water.
I shall see what it is like tomorrow as I am going to go to the other Hospital near me. I didn't fancy returning to the scene of the crime and so the other one is smaller and about the same walking distance so I'll try that.
Whilst I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not dreading the visit. My hypnotherapy man seems to have done a neat trick turning this sort of stuff into positives. Neither am I going to go accompanied, I think I have to learn to do these things on my own.
I don't fancy having to do this regularly though, nor do I really like the idea of being on any kind of drugs at all. Especially as these ones will be for - potentially - the rest of my life unless all the cumulative effects of my life style changes bring everything back to a reasonable level.
I should thank my lucky stars that my blood pressure problems were found as a result of the cancer I suppose - otherwise I could have been in serious trouble with my Blood Pressure being that high.
I shall see what it is like tomorrow as I am going to go to the other Hospital near me. I didn't fancy returning to the scene of the crime and so the other one is smaller and about the same walking distance so I'll try that.
Whilst I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not dreading the visit. My hypnotherapy man seems to have done a neat trick turning this sort of stuff into positives. Neither am I going to go accompanied, I think I have to learn to do these things on my own.
I don't fancy having to do this regularly though, nor do I really like the idea of being on any kind of drugs at all. Especially as these ones will be for - potentially - the rest of my life unless all the cumulative effects of my life style changes bring everything back to a reasonable level.
I should thank my lucky stars that my blood pressure problems were found as a result of the cancer I suppose - otherwise I could have been in serious trouble with my Blood Pressure being that high.
An Honest Day's Work
What on earth is that? Honest day - sound like an Employer's phrase to me...
I did some work today that I hadn't done for years and it was (sort of) enjoyable in a strange round about way. I don't suppose that digging around PCs and cabling and grubbing around under desks is everyone's cup of tea but I enjoyed it.
The report writing at the end of it is a bit of a blow but you have to do that too. It takes me back a few years I can tell you.
I did some work today that I hadn't done for years and it was (sort of) enjoyable in a strange round about way. I don't suppose that digging around PCs and cabling and grubbing around under desks is everyone's cup of tea but I enjoyed it.
The report writing at the end of it is a bit of a blow but you have to do that too. It takes me back a few years I can tell you.
So is everything different this morning?
No of course not, it feels just like any other day. I am going off to work this morning - not exactly paid work but something to get me back into the swing of things. It should be interesting.
The jobs market appears to be quite active and there were a few jobs coming through yesterday. I've tentatively applied for those. Whilst I've still got to work out exactly what I'm going to say to people about the next lot of treatment, at least I can start to work out how to approach that and explain it.
The jobs market appears to be quite active and there were a few jobs coming through yesterday. I've tentatively applied for those. Whilst I've still got to work out exactly what I'm going to say to people about the next lot of treatment, at least I can start to work out how to approach that and explain it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
End of Days
Well that is it. I worked for the company I always wanted to and wasn't disappointed except for the end result which was hardly necessary and totally avoidable.
Will I get to work for them again? Does the lure of part time or the lure of what could have been affect my decision? I don't know. Tonight I'm just thankful that I had the time I did there as they were such a fabulous bunch of guys and girls. They deserved so much more than they got.
I'm going to stay in touch and hope that they lever their way out of the problems they are in. I can reflect on my time with them and also my problems which kind of mirror the issues they have had. I'm climbing out of the depressive stage and hoping to make my way on to something new, challenging and achievable. They have to do the same with or without me.
Will I get to work for them again? Does the lure of part time or the lure of what could have been affect my decision? I don't know. Tonight I'm just thankful that I had the time I did there as they were such a fabulous bunch of guys and girls. They deserved so much more than they got.
I'm going to stay in touch and hope that they lever their way out of the problems they are in. I can reflect on my time with them and also my problems which kind of mirror the issues they have had. I'm climbing out of the depressive stage and hoping to make my way on to something new, challenging and achievable. They have to do the same with or without me.
De-Mob happy
I am certainly de-mob happy at the moment. I really didn't want to leave my last job but needs must and all that and that is my lot, I'm finished and history or "toast" as they say.
I really haven't thought through the next steps in any great detail - I'll just let serendipity dictate the next few weeks.
I really haven't thought through the next steps in any great detail - I'll just let serendipity dictate the next few weeks.
Ring out the old - ring in the new
As if on cue a call at 5:30 with someone looking for a specialist to work in the City starting almost immediately.
Can't be bad, I'd probably been out of work for 30 or 40 seconds by then.
Can't be bad, I'd probably been out of work for 30 or 40 seconds by then.
Out to lunch
A nice few beers with a friend of mine and we can go and compare medical notes and have a moan about the NHS.
How do you look at it
Remember Tommy Cooper? A UK based comedian and you could look at it "Like that" or "Like That" and so on.
I'm sounding more upbeat everyday and whilst that may appear to be what you "should do" it isn't always as it depends on what you read into what you are told. Sometimes I look at what I have written and think it very negative or it conveys a negative view and yet it probably isn't my intention to do that.
I think that today I've settled down to the fact that I've come through the really difficult stuff and this is a new phase. I'm not over impressed with having to go for blood tests on Thursday but I'll do that as it takes me along the next step. Being downgraded and going onto a BCG regime would for some seem to be a horrible thing to look forward to. If you consider that the last lot has most probably got rid of the CIS that was there and that the small area that needed work was also probably low grade then it makes sense to use the BCG to obliterate any signs of the cancer that may be left. It is heavy, it is drastic stuff and I can't remember the exact words the GP used but it is like "Wow - that really is heavy stuff to use how did you get on?"
So I'm probably going to get a sledgehammering to start with but isn't that a good thing? I think because it is so violent that not everyone can live with it. Anyway, I think that it may well be worthwhile especially if it stops the cancer coming back.
I hope that I don't put anyone off having BCG - you should read my earlier posts about the experience and the way to manage it. When you've had the treatment and then you get the results you'll find it is worth it and it is immunotherapy not chemotherapy so it only works locally and right where the cancer is.
I'm sounding more upbeat everyday and whilst that may appear to be what you "should do" it isn't always as it depends on what you read into what you are told. Sometimes I look at what I have written and think it very negative or it conveys a negative view and yet it probably isn't my intention to do that.
I think that today I've settled down to the fact that I've come through the really difficult stuff and this is a new phase. I'm not over impressed with having to go for blood tests on Thursday but I'll do that as it takes me along the next step. Being downgraded and going onto a BCG regime would for some seem to be a horrible thing to look forward to. If you consider that the last lot has most probably got rid of the CIS that was there and that the small area that needed work was also probably low grade then it makes sense to use the BCG to obliterate any signs of the cancer that may be left. It is heavy, it is drastic stuff and I can't remember the exact words the GP used but it is like "Wow - that really is heavy stuff to use how did you get on?"
So I'm probably going to get a sledgehammering to start with but isn't that a good thing? I think because it is so violent that not everyone can live with it. Anyway, I think that it may well be worthwhile especially if it stops the cancer coming back.
I hope that I don't put anyone off having BCG - you should read my earlier posts about the experience and the way to manage it. When you've had the treatment and then you get the results you'll find it is worth it and it is immunotherapy not chemotherapy so it only works locally and right where the cancer is.
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