Mind You What else is wrong and do you really want to know

I think I'd rather not know and then again? It is difficult isn't it. Would you rather know you had something nasty or rather you didn't know so you could go happily on, not knowing?

Having Cancer is bad enough and high blood pressure was OK once I'd got over the denial bit. Being diabetic would really p1ss me off - no really it would. I've made massive changes to my life style (perhaps - and we can argue this out later - a bit too late in life to make a difference) but even so, I am so much fitter than a year ago although I'm probably 20Kg more than I was then - I am no where as near as fit as when I was 20 but then I was really at my peak and had an active job - but my goodness when I look back at the life style of the 70s. We smoked and drank and hardly slept and I worked long hours on site ate huge grease out breakfasts regularly at work. Crikey :-) So I should be surprised I even made it this far knowing what we know now.

SO if they found some more stuff in these tests would I really want to know? I'm going to say yes but I am also going to say that I would need to be told face to face as just getting that sort of half data over the phone did not do me any good at all.

If it was diabetes and it was pre-diabetes then it is clear that if I know about it - I can manage it properly and ensure that I do all the right things for that. Another side of me says that, I feel well now and I'm happy doing what I do, living the life I live and that if I didn't know, what would be the worst thing that could happen. Then I realise that it could be blindness, loss of limbs and think that I'll go back to that I want to know.

Last year I was a firm believer in "let it happen" now I'm not so sure that really is the right way to do it.

SLAP - back to where you were

Was how it felt yesterday. Just like someone had walked up and without any warning hit me right across the face, a real stinging one too.

The strangest thing of all is that I knew I was ill with the bladder cancer and I'd got a feeling that I wasn't right and that over the years I had been struggling against an invisible force (which could be how quickly my daughters can reach the monthly credit limit on my Visa card!). But, I digress.

I knew that my blood pressure was pre-hypertensive and that I had White Coat Syndrome. I know I have a fear of needles of all sorts and I particularly dislike blood tests although the last few have been tolerable and bearable for me - just.

So what am I rattling on about now. Well, some of these things they can find wrong with you - well you just wouldn't know until the full symptoms came about. Like diabetes, I don't have any of the common symptoms and yet they can tell that there is something not quite right and can do something about it (or rather I can). I often wonder if we had set out many years ago to make the NHS a preventative service rather than a reactive service, quite how many diseases could have been halted and how many major procedures could have been saved and how little time you would need to be in care if you'd have "changed the oil" 100,000 miles ago or whatever?

Prevention is better than cure so they say. Perhaps in the future, they will be able to do that. I suppose if they'd cured us all before we would have had anything you'd never know how to treat things, do the surgery or realise what the early stages were either. Perhaps another of those Catch 22 moments.

I feel a lot better today

It wasn't to difficult to do that of course after the events of Friday 20th. I've spent this morning running up some soups to freeze for next week. I make a pretty handy Watercress and Spinach soup and I tried a Mushroom one this morning too which has gone down well with the troops.

They are all batched up ready to go. Soup makes you feel full up and slowly releases - making your own means that there is no salt in it and you know all the ingredients are fresh too.

I now need to sort something out to occupy me this afternoon. It is a lovely day, perhaps something in the garden.

Exercises Restart

I did about 2 1/2 miles this morning (about 20 minutes worth) and thought that it was best to stop there and I can up the rate tomorrow and the time as well. I'm a little surprised that I'm not as out of breath as I thought I'd be nor quite as sweated up. My Blood Pressure and heart rates are normal which is cool.

I had quite a good night's sleep unsurprisingly and I feel a lot better today. I'm going to really concentrate this week on getting my fitness back and on catching up with all the odds and ends I have lying around here.

I never want to feel that bad again

My world came crashing down this afternoon. I am utterly drained at the moment. For one moment it flashed before my eyes that I'd be in and out of hospitals and GP surgeries and clinics and in and out of ambulances for the rest of my life.

I've been right down to the darkest of dark places today and then bounced straight back and can rejoice that it isn't what was feared and now, now that I have thought a bit harder about it, I suppose if it is what it indicates on the tests then it can be handled and managed it needs review and life style changes, such as I've already made, can keep this under control.

I've had enough now I'm going to bed and I am not getting up early in the morning. I will however re-start the exercises tomorrow as I feel that the majority of the bruising is almost out and I feel fit enough to do that now.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

I really, really wanted to get off the Roller Coaster today. I approached the worst moment of the whole 9 months to date earlier on. It wasn't the case that if it had of been diabetes or perhaps even something else it was the fact that I've really gone out there and spent time and effort to change lifestyle, to improve my health. Cancer is one thing, then the blood pressure (which can lead to all sorts of stuff) and of course, my Kidneys have probably take a severe battering of late due to the disease I have and the pushing and pulling about I've had as well as the tablets I'm on.

To have the news that I maybe diabetic took me right over the edge. I actually think now, right now, I'd probably have settled for that as long as I got nothing else - ever again. It is hard enough with the cancer let alone anything else.

2 days shy of my 49th birthday, I'm not yet 50 and my body went into meltdown. It was a wake up call 9 months ago - I certainly don't need to keep adding to the list now or in the future. I've really had enough for a life time and I'm not out of the first phase of either the bladder cancer or the blood pressure problems yet.

There was a Roller Coaster I spoke about which is the treatment and the ups and downs of that and all the emotions that went with it. Today it did a quad flip and a load of loop the loops in the dark and I wasn't prepared for them. For the second time this month I got my life back. The Roller Coaster is running along smoothly. It wasn't the fact of what it was it was that it came totally out of the blue.

Cancel the Blue Plaque

"XXX Lived Here"

So what do 2 + 2 make? Did someone say 4??

Not if you are me - how about 4,000,004

OK - Sort of good news - yes readings are high enough to question whether diabetic. However, we know there are no diabetic symptoms. So far so good? Cannot understand one reading showing dehydration - oops my mistake I didn't drink a lot as I thought I shouldn't.

We are going to repeat the tests at the end of next week and by the end of the week after we will be able to review it all again.

As for me? I think I learnt a bit of a jumping to conclusions lesson. Doc apologised when he realised quite what a horrible afternoon I had been through. I wore the Tee Shirt, we were much relieved. It is now the "Magic Tee Shirt".

Within minutes, I had gone from resigned and slightly distressed to OK about things again. I cannot tell you quite what a relief it is.

I have managed to cancel the blue plaque for the house :-)

All the problems, fears, doubts, and everything else are gone! I must learn to take it easy before I "go into one" Sorry to everyone out there who also got wound up with me today. All's well that ends well.

The family are all home

So I'm back on good form being me. Actually they have cheered me up just seeing them and I'm just going to go and get myself ready and go to see the GP.

We were having a laugh about my pig out breakfast of yesterday - "was it really because they didn't give you an I've been brave sticker dad?" Bless :-)

Right, time to stop mooching about and get myself ready to confront the latest hurdle.

More later, as always!

Feeling sorry for myself

I suppose that is only natural? Boy am I p1ssed off with it at the moment.

I've decided that the "I'm not dead yet" Tee Shirt and I are going down to the GPs. I need to raise my game here. I'm possibly even more upset than when I was diagnosed - I think it is the combination of things and the I'm getting and feeling better at last and this just stopping that feeling in its tracks.

Came over all unnecessary just then

I just had a bloody good cry. That little wave of emotion just came up and grabbed me. I wasn't expecting something like this I have to say. As it wasn't on my plan of how things are going to go that one really caught me full on the chin. High Glucose means one thing in my memory and that is diabetes. I suppose it may be nothing more than a warning signal and needs observation but it has shaken me to the core today.

If I wasn't paranoid that the "man was coming to get me" I might just be now. I have calmed down a bit and I'm going to go and sit quietly and go through some of my calming routines.

I've really had enough of being ill today and I was giving it the "why me?", "I don't deserve this" and all that old stuff.

Those of you who know me - will know this is just a temporary glitch and I'm going to be OK. I am just really feeling it today it's as if the last 10 months just crashed down on me after the phone call from the GP.

Worse things happen at sea of course!

That's nicely wiped out anything else I was planning to do today

Why is it everytime I build myself up and feel good some sod comes and rips it all down again. Damn it all.

That's my afternoon gone to pieces. Bloody hell.

Now What?

Oh sh1t - someting wrong with the blood tests - I need to go in again this afternoon to see the Doc. Repeat the blood tests - oh great!

What the hell else can be wrong?

That's It

My business VPN connection has been severed and I am now officially out of touch with my old company. Yesterday two more senior members resigned and so the after shocks reverberate on.

I have just cleaned off all my old files and shut down the laptop for the last time. A bit sad to see it go back into its case.

Back to Salt

There is a news report on the BBC web site today all about reducing salt and the subsequent reduction in heart disease. CLICK HERE to go to the web site and read the details.

Yesterday I was out in the evening as well as pigging out on a cooked breakfast earlier in the day - on both occasions the salt was left well alone but I did use some pepper. You can get used to it but they initial shock to the system is amazing as none of your food tastes right for perhaps a week or so.

Some people are SO nice

And I mean that without my normal cynical edge. Tonight there were a lot of people delighted about my news and I'm glad that they are glad to hear it. Another friend wasn't there tonight and that was particularly sad news. Seriously bad reactions to the chemotherapy and I'm really sad about that. Now what do I do when I drop a note to him? Tell him that I'm getting better? I don't think so. Not sure what to say as it is really serious and I was trying to work out what I found encouraging or helpful in the dark times myself?

Even I find it difficult to know what to say to someone suffering with a higher graded cancer than my own and there I was moaning about it earlier. I'm guessing I can do the emphatizing bit and I'm guessing that my glimmers of a recovery could be used as grab points.

Again, you feel pretty helpless at times like this.

The Habitual Patient

I couldn't quite get the hang of this but it sounded like someone was in every day to have their blood taken - every day!!! What on earth is that about? And someone was chatting away matter of fact about all the procedures and things that were wrong with her and I was thinking - here am I complaining about having 3 tests in 6 weeks (actually that IS a lot) and of course two last year. I suppose I should think myself lucky that the last time I was tested was 12 years or more and 30 years before that.

I hope that I don't have any other health problems as I don't think I could stand being a habitual patient and moving from GP to Hospital to clinic and being able to reference my days by what place I was going and what procedure I was having.

I need to remember that there are lot of people far worse off than I am.

My Theory - Old People at the Blood Clinic this morning

Perhaps they were my age when they arrived but they could never find a number and have been wandering around the corridors ever since? If I'd have waited any longer I would have been able to pull my bus pass and get a free ride home.

Roll on being Grandpa Simpson.

The Full Monty - in praise of the good old Greasy Spoon Cafe

After having my blood taken I was walking home and there was the local cafe. It's a nice little place, very clean and tidy, nice people and it does a good range of good honest, no frills, no fuss food.

So - hugely disappointed that I hadn't even got an "I've been a brave boy" sticker for my bravery in having my blood test, I thought I'll go and treat myself. Now as a treat, having food may not seem particularly high up on the list. A New Car, a holiday perhaps but food?

Of course. There is nothing like a good full Monty, full blow out English Breakfast is there? They'd just checked my cholesterol and all the other stuff and lets face it, I've been eating like a test pilot for Weight Watchers this past 6 weeks! So I decided that my treat for not only being a brave boy but also to be a little naughty and get those blood sugars and cholesterol back up to where they should be I'd go for the breakfast that working men quake in their boots when they see it. Yes - The Full Monty. I wasn't disappointed either. Two rounds of toast with an ocean of salted butter atop them. Two fried eggs, two rashers of back bacon, two pork sausages, baked beans and - yes - bubble (for the uninitiated - Bubble and Squeak - sort of like a hash brown but with onion and /or leek in it). The oval plate was covered, you couldn't see the porcelain beneath the whole plate and there is something about busting a couple of fried eggs open and letting the yolk mingle with the bean juice that just says - Knoshing Irons to the ready - PIG OUT!!!!

I duly pigged out and of course you have to use your bread or toast to mop up all the juice.

I reckon I have consumed enough salt and sugar to keep me going for a month but hey - it really is only every now and then. It sure made up for the waiting about for the blood test and breaking my fast too.

Long live the Greasy Spoon and the Full Monty say I!

Bugger me what was all that about

Fast overnight and go to the local Hospital to get your blood tested - no problem here is the envelope thingy.

It was like the first day at a clearance sale. I got there bang on time - I had a lovely slow walk along roads that I have never walked down before (I've lived around here most of my life) and it was like the doors swung open and I followed the crowd. Then it said take a number - where are the numbers? On the Table says the old dear next to me so I walked back but they weren't there today - oh no they are in between all of the chairs where people are already having their blood taken. So I got No.26 - Yes that's what I thought. Then there is the warning notice that it is ALWAYS BUSY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING - Oh great!

So I stuck on the music and waited - and waited and - oh you get the picture. About 9:30 I suppose I got called in so I had waited an hour. The chap who did my blood was a nice lad and I was done in a few minutes. I just close my eyes and go into deep breathing and off to my quiet place (we did this in hypnotherapy) I have a nice lake all to myself with mountains and a pine forest and all that, the water laps slowly and rhythmically on the shore.

In the next post I shall share with you my reward :-) Fasting since 8 pm (or earlier in fact) the night before and then going into this chaos was not my idea of an good morning. However it is over now and I shall make sarcastic reference to this when I speak to my GP tomorrow.

Knowing how I am with Hospitals and Doctors I think he may understand why I was less than impressed with the rosy picture painted. I reckon if I had gone back late morning it would have been clearer and they say after 2 pm it is the best time.

It's OK to be scared sh1tless

I was reading in another forum how frightened someone was of having a cystoscopy. I think if you've read my stuff you probably know how downright scary some of this stuff can be and I'm your worst for anything like that. I think that my recent hypnotherapy went a long way to take away some of the worry but I did feel for this particular person.

It is easily the most terrifying thing I've ever had happen to me. The stress leading up to any of the procedures is pressure you can hardly imagine. The nerves and the fright and being scared and not having any sleep or being frightened to go to sleep are all part of the territory of this and I imagine any serious disease.

Because of how they get to see inside your bladder whether male or female and that in some cases they do that whilst you are awake and with a local anaesthetic is again a trauma all of its own.

So I felt so sorry for this person who was about to have this done and who you could read in between the lines was emotionally drained and perhaps even being physically sick.

There's a sort of thing people say to you about you "being brave" and actually, if the truth be known you are quaking and scared to pieces. We each have to find our ways to deal with this and that really is part of every persons own battle with their disease, their staging and their recovery. Some people just get on and let it happen to them, others like me get on with it and use various techniques (including denial I'm sure) to get on with it. Just writing this makes me feel slightly uneasy.

I've gone a long way around saying that it is OK to be scared and to be frightened and it is a natural thing to feel apprehensive about some of these procedures. Sure, there are worse things that can happen to you (someone told me that but I doubt that they'd ever had an IVU) but it is YOU going through these and it is how it affects you that matters.

If there is any consolation, it is that the human body amazes me every time. It is 1 week since my operation and whilst I feel some small discomfort - you'd hardly know. I do of course :-)