It is, one of the strangest things is surely that your head conjures up all this stuff and makes things that don't exist look almost real. I need to channel my inner Matrix at times to realise that lots of this stuff just doesn't exist other than as neurons rattling around in your head. "Is that air you are breathing?" says Morpheus to Neo after he has exerted himself and is recovering from the effort.
On some days I am aware enough to realise this and on others days, not so much. It is easy to let ego and the pain body and subconscious run things until you become aware that it is that causing the pain and distraction. Quite how you master yourself to control it, is something quite different. With the constant victim-hood of the pain body, the insatiable appetite of the ego and the programmed actions of the subconscious it can be a battle in your head that whatever part controls keeping it all under control feels overwhelmed by and unable to.
At the moment it is keeping it all under control that is testing me. The time of year is not helpful either. Christmas was always a happy time but I haven't had a Christmas with my family for 14 years or so. I have celebrated with my partner's family but it really isn't the same and it affects the way I think and act plus it is a dark time of year. Not ling now until the shortest day and that trend starts to reverse.
There is an urge to just walk away and drop all of the commitments that I have the business included for what do I have to prove and what does it matter? The ego says give it a go and the pragmatist says let it go. Both are possible. I have decided to give it a three month go and if it doesn't happen then I can close it down and have done with it.
Do I really need to do any of these things what is their purpose? Why would you do it and what's the point? Add to this there is the procrastination, the over thinking and the self imposed stress and anxiety that manifests itself. The paranoia that this ex business partner is "out to get me" doesn't help and applying a little logic to the situation settles down the internal strife and conflict that only really exists in my head.
So the battles rage in your mind as most of this stuff isn't real "pain" shall we call it? In fact it is your very own body that conjures this stuff up and sets you down a path of pain, stress and anxiety. It is what it is and there is the reality of it. I beat myself up for not realising there was a leaking pipe. The maintenance man was right there in that very room a few weeks ago and didn't notice it and so why should I? Why am I worrying about it? Because my head is telling me that it is my fault. It isn't of course and so it is with many things that I come across.
So what to do about it? It's not some sort of revelation as I know this stuff. I have to overcome the way my brain works and so actually having moments like this, catching myself in it's brain conflict, it's like an imaginary war inside my skull, it is a power game, brain politics and that's what is so curious about it. This maelstrom of thoughts and scenario playing doesn't actually achieve anything these days (different when I was working I'd say). I probably need to just start being more conscious again and make sure that I catch myself descending into the created imaginary situation constructed by my brain.
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