The Struggle Continues

 Last night was pretty disturbed by any accounts.  We both said it was hot in the house - which is surprising as the thermostat had been turned down the day before.  

Got into bed and I felt so hot that I had to get up and come downstairs for an hour or so to see if I could sleep down there.  A little fitful sleep and so I decided to go back up and then sleep came and I got about 3 or 4 hours I suppose.

It didn't help that I was mulling over the situation I am in.  The business doesn't look like it is going anywhere fast and I don't have the capital to do any targeted advertising.  So I was thinking do I run for the three months I have given myself or just cut my losses and close it down? Home life is not particularly smooth either and I have bad thoughts again which need to be banished back to whence they came - this is trapped, claustrophobic and wanting to flee and just stop the world stuff.  It is not great I have to say and there's just an aimlessness pervading my thoughts and my actions.

I'm having the death thoughts as well and so struggle with an internal fight and no, it's not the type that required calling The Samaritans - it isn't 'that sort' of suicidal thoughts although they are there it is my mind processing stuff and like I said this time last year, I miss my family a lot.  I suppose I shouldn't feel like that it was, however, me that left the family unit after all those years and I have to live with those consequences but it's happening again and I am back to where I started when I left because of the situation I was in.

Apart from a video call I haven't seen my grandchildren at Christmas.  I will see my daughters tomorrow but not the grand kids.  I said last year I would make more effort and perhaps that is the change I need to make?  I am still quite wounded by the crap that's been thrown at me over the business, hence I would prefer to just shut it and walk away.  Of course I need to give it a bit more time and see is sales can materialise and if they do then what am I going to do?  I'd have to run the business then and that's another chore I may currently not want.

I hope that I can shake this malaise off as I was doing OK up to a point in controlling it all but obviously not.  

I know what is going on and worse than that I know what the answer is but I am not brave enough to tackle that right now.  I give my self until March to resolve the business (or in the next week LOL) and then I need to seriously consider my situation.