Sunday, September 09, 2007
Reflections on the week
This should also mean that I start to get some cash flow into the business as well - always useful.
However - the downside is that I am so tired. I had been out 5 days out of 6 and so that probably didn't help things. So overall I am getting far more positive (despite the fact that it is less than three weeks before I go back in for biopsies) but I am feeling quite tired.
I am surprised (still) how much it has taken out of me.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Tired
I am as tired as you like this evening. I had a few minutes snooze earlier - an early night is in order.
I'm still surprised quite how much stamina I have lost. I can't keep going for long periods of time working as I used to nor can I recover as quickly. I'm hoping that keeping well will help and exercising just add to that.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Out with the old school chums
A good evening - I do get really tired these days - it never used to be like this and whilst many have less sleep I appear to be sleeping longer.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
So how do I tell someone
You go and do a batch of voluntary work only for some idiot to start digging you out.
I can't believe this guy - I've sorted out bucket loads of problems for him/them in my own time and all he can do is wag the finger at me. I ought to break that off and shove it up his - oh well you get the picture.
Never teach a pig to sing - it takes ages and upsets the pig :-)
Just like a Pro
We were rattling off drug names, side effects and Mg taken etc., like no ones business. Gee it is going to be great getting old as long as you can pronounce (or even remember) what medication you are on, how much you are taking, what the side effects are, how you react to them and how many doctors you know.
I couldn't compete - in a drug filled Olympics for how many tablets consumed in a day I am just a young upstart a mere amateur! LONG may it remain so.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
An evening out
Off to a Jazz night - I used to be a regular but missed a lot of these because of the treatments.
Looking forward to some decent beer and music - in that order.
The Okey Cokey ISP
All day long the internet is there and then it isn't - what a way to run a business.
Another 2 hours worth of mucking about and finally I am re-connected.
Back to Normal - almost
Finally peace and quiet and what happens? Yes, the internet ups and dies and I've spent the past couple of hours sorting that out again.
Virgin Media - pile of poo more like...
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Jane Tomlinson
Her obituary is HERE. An ordinary mum and housewife who went on to do extraordinary things and to raise over £1.5M.
Looking up
At last some people who are actually aware that they have got to put some work into an idea to get some money out the other end.
Signatures going onto paper and after all is said and done a healthy number of enquiries as well.
You know you are getting old when
Monday, September 03, 2007
A New Week
It has started already so perhaps I'll get some work done after all.
See?
I'm annoyed about some of the petty things that happen in life and I guess there is a bit of me realising that the kids are growing up - oldest has her driving test on Tuesday!
I'm just getting old and don't want to. I also am having the mid life bit - you know - I've probably lived for longer than I'm going to live :-)
I have a very bad brain for that sort of thing :-)
Anyone want to say pull yourself together or anything equally crass - get in line!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
What the hell is wrong with me
Nothing is quite as I want it to be. It is all somewhat of a let down at the moment. Don't give me any of the old, your lucky, you survived and all that as it isn't that. It is a whole combination of things and events all happening at once. It is the realisation that things move on. That I probably won't change the world. That so many things that may have appeared important actually no longer are. It is the realisation that perhaps I've taken a turning off of the road that my friends and family are travelling along and I'm now lost somewhere.
Whatever it is - I know I'm here and I know when to ask for help, the trouble is it is very personal. It is also a spiral thing in that you get worse when you try to pull yourself out of it. I'm not in a bad one, don't get me wrong, I'm just having difficulty keeping everything together, in some sort of perspective and in some sort of order based on how "really" important or urgent each of these things to be done or sorted out actually are. It is also to do with the next hospitalisation and how inconvenient that is.
I also believe that you'll only understand this if you have gone through something similar - it won;t make sense if you've had your tonsils out or some such thing,
Things that make your blood boil
I am SO looking forward to this "entrepreneur" calling me tomorrow. As you can imagine I will be my charming and considerate self.
OK - maybe not. There is no such thing as a free meal. People who think that they can make money by not putting in any effort need to go back to their day jobs. It is a sad fact that 80% of the people I meet who call themselves entrepreneurs don't even have standard Employers and Employees and Public liability insurance. None of them know about basic health and safety at work, legal and statutory requirements or anything else but have the damn right audacity to tell me that they are entrepreneurs. I wouldn't trust many of them to sit the right way up on a toilet (thanks Rowan Atkinson).
There are so many people you meet who are just a total waste of Oxygen. Unfortunately what I'd like to do to them is illegal but a Vet would get away with it if it were an animal!
Getting towards "that" time
That was the one that prompted this blog but, if I am truthful about it, that was probably the defining operation and meeting as it showed that the cancer was limited to the bladder, showed the kidneys were OK and the operation got rid of nearly all the really nasty stuff that was in there. I then had the treatment, the next operation and this last lot of treatment. It is amazing to me that a year has gone by already and that I am going to be back in for yet another operation. It seems a lot shorter time than that but the dates don't lie.
So heading towards anniversary two - that operation was a complete surprise to me but - it is standard practice so I understand to re- do the area and whilst I was somewhat beaten up after that - at least I was given every opportunity to survive. You can't ask for much more.
I'm nowhere near as worried about going in this October. I'd rather not but there is no option. It now becomes a matter of fact going in for operations. If anything, it gets slightly easier because you know the worst is over (unless they find something nasty you wont have to go through the hell of the first two ops). There's still the stress to deal with but that is probably manageable now and again, because you know what to expect, you can work your way around that too.
It will also be fun trying to find out what "rules" they will apply this time before they let you go home! I must remember to ask what the rules are so I can cover that one - they changed each time so far depending who was in charge. Inevitably, once I do get home I'll be laid up for a week anyway but let's hope that it is good news and this is the last time I need to go in under general anaesthetic. Mind you - having this sort of thing done under a local is no fun either.
Having said all this - you do start to get stressed out a bit as you get nearer the date.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Same old same old
Not enough time - but when I do get time it gets wasted on trivial things like PCs which are still irritating the hell out of me especially as I can;t get pictures off of my video camera onto the PC - heaven alone knows what is going on with the PC as I can hear it whirring away and there are no programmes active! Then there is the unofficial help desk - another friend needs their PC sorted out - that takes time and I don't say no often enough.
Somewhere along the line I have got to put my foot down and also drop off some of the things that I am doing.
At least some good news on the job front with my first partner signed up on Monday and with a bit of luck my second later in the week. That will be a relief.
Friday, August 31, 2007
I may be repeating myself repeating myself
It isn't crushingly depressing or a feeling of being totally wasted. An imbalance perhaps we felt, listlessness and tiredness. Then there is the get up and go - which has done just that and got up and gone :-)
He is getting a lot of physiotherapy and nutrition assistance. I'm not but it is interesting nonetheless how similar we are feeling and when you consider that we both went through our procedures within weeks of each other, it makes you wonder whether there is a pattern to surviving or perhaps comabtting cancer. We are in a similar state time wise but he had far more radical surgery than I did and he no longer has to worry about whether or not he will get cancer back as there is nothing left there.
And our conclusions? Well - We went through the experience and we have changed (a lot) but no one else around us has changed. It is difficult to carry on as normal when normal is no longer normal to us. It is like entering a very slightly parallel universe. Only you know you've moved slightly out of synchronisation with everyone else (like a badly dubbed movie).
It is a most peculiar thing to explain but it does feel as if day to day there is something not quite right about things - perhaps we feel we shouldn't be here or worse still - we felt we may be "frauds" as we didn't have all the hair loss and bag of bones looks so many people seem to believe that you should when you have cancer?
Anyway - it gives us plenty of reasons for talking and going down the pub so that is alright then! :-)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Further exploration of the dark side
When the Black Dog turns up you can:
- Burst into tears for no reason at all
- Get all choked up watching emotional stuff on TV or Cinema
- Get all choked up when you see someone achieve something (like an athlete winning) you know what they went through in a way
- Go very quiet and hide away from people
- Have to get out of rooms quickly when you get all emotional
- Act less than rationally when confronted with something slightly out of the norm
- Get horrible dreams about things that happened, haven't happened, aren't likely to happen
- Wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get to sleep - then wonder why you feel so tired when you are at work the next day but you still can't sleep when you get home
- Start to worry about what may happen when it hasn't happened and may not be likely to
- Worry that any ailment whatsoever is cancer of whatever area of your body is suffering at the time (this can get tiresome). Have a cough or a sore throat or your arm hurts or you get an ache and immediately it is cancer (I kid you not when you are in this sort of mood everything is like this)
- General malaise
I'm sure there are lots more and the level of these emotions goes from mild to extreme. They can come and go with alarming speed. The Black Dog can get you when you least expect it to.
It happens less these days of course but you get occasional visits which can take you unaware and shake you to your core.
My recent nightmare? I'm being led out to the scaffold to be hung. Preacher and guards and all. My crime? Apparently I survived - that is it. That's a pretty shaky one to wake up to and I've had this one at least 4 or 5 times this past month.
You don't really need that sort of thing but your brain decides that you probably do and torments you with it anyway.
I'm certain that it is quite normal for survivors to go through this sort of stuff and so I'm not worried about it but it is worth saying it happens and it is something additional to watch out for.