Day off

I decided to take the day off tomorrow. A good move by the looks of the chaos that is the house this evening. I just let them get on with their small tantrums and by this time tomorrow it will all be over and I'll be staring at Mrs. F. and wondering quite what to say after 19 years of having one or other of the kids or someone else's kids in the house. Spooky!

I will go and wave L off tomorrow and I'll try and be up to wave off A and her boyfriend. I'm pleased that they are getting out and about and exploring the world and doing it themselves. I'm glad I am still around to see it (of course) as I never did think I would be.

Once they have disappeared Mrs. F and I can get down to sorting out our own holiday.

Some massive rain showers around this evening - I got caught in two of them - luckily I was picked up part way home or else I'd have been soaked through even with an umbrella.

Still noticing the tiredness - probably the weather too not helping.

Ready to move on

Disappointment lasted all of about 30 minutes yesterday. I had kind of resigned myself to knowing that it was a stitch up after I spoke to some guys last Monday about it. What is annoying is the way it was handled and when someone says you didn't get to the next stage, they aren't actually telling you why. It would amaze me if anyone had more experience in a couple of the areas they asked for as those who do have more than me didn't go for the job.

So - plan A kicks in and I need to decide what to do here at work. The money is pants but the people are good. The trouble is that right now, the work is slowed up for the holiday period and so things aren't flat out. Maybe I should take that as a good thing? At least I have a few weeks to think it through.

Which reminds me. I had better talk to the Hospital about what they want me to do now?

So it was a stitch up

I got the e-mail that had gone to my Spam box as it didn't come from where I sent the original. It was very short, non transparent and hardly explained why I wasn't considered.

Interestingly enough, as I understand it, they had an incumbent and had to advertise the post. It will be interesting to see who it turns out to be as I can't think of anyone with the same level of internal experience as I have but there you go.

I'm a bit annoyed that they wrote such a sh1t letter back and it was so poorly handled that I hope the new chap actually does something about the process. A few words of explanation would have gone a long way to smooth things out. The way this is done just arouses suspicions and gets hackles up.

Other than that the week has been very busy but I have been struggling with tiredness. Birthday was good, very enjoyable and today was a quiet day watching Wimbledon and recovering.

The weather looks set to break tomorrow - thank goodness as the hot nights were getting to be a bit much.

L is off to Argentina on Tuesday and A is off to Italy. Things are going to get weird around here after Tuesday :-)

3 years in

Hardly seems that it is possible that it has been 3 years since it all kicked off.

Hardly a day has gone by when I haven't thought about my health since then. Things are getting better now as the memories fade and the traumatic times and the stress subside into the subconscious.

I'd like to think that this is it. No more for me thank you. But that isn't the case and I'll soon be back for either an operation or flexible cystoscopy to see how I am getting on. Not having the Treatment has been good and whilst I still get tired, it is nowhere near as bad as before. Now I can control it and go home early or fall asleep on the train. You adapt and move on.

There are other health issues but they are just things that getting old throws at you. I can't say I feel 100% fit but neither am I needing constant supervision and running to the doctors.

Things are OK at the moment. The collateral damage is limited to my immediate family and most of my spooked friends are back and able to talk to me. The job is good but not stretching and whilst it was the right thing to do last year, I wonder how long I can live within my capabilities and within the scope of my ambition?

So - life is rosy really, I don't have the dreaded Bladder Cancer - haven't really for getting close to 2 years and 9 months I guess. I'm feeling good and in reasonable health, I have a job that I like, that I am good at (although it doesn't challenge me), the kids are OK and my holiday is coming up soon. All in all - that is so much better than I guessed my outlook was just three years ago. I didn't realise exactly what I had at that time but I knew it was serious. Within a week it was dawning on me what I had and within three weeks I was diagnosed. A few days after that, I had the operation and my roller coaster journey really got going.

Have I changed? You better believe it I have. Goodness, what a difference in my outlook, the way I take care of myself, the way I treat other people and the way I see my life from now on. Apart from the quite strange "certainty" that goes with what I say and do now and how I talk to people, most of that I am comfortable with. I find my brain sharp as ever now in analysing business problems and coming up with plans etc. But the flip side is losing some of my well-organised side - it is as if the ordered side of my brain has surrendered that so that I can be more creative.

I am off out soon for lunch and hopefully will be able to just forget about everything.

Eve of the 3rd Anniversary

Crikey - we have been having a heatwave and I've not felt like doing much and the fatigue that this hot and humid weather - in a country that doesn't really have A/C is getting to me. Home early as I was so tired today and I am off out. Have been out every day and night this week and that goes on until Friday night.

Saturday - my birthday - Independence Day - will be one of flaking out and resting I reckon. People in my place are just plain crazy and still wearing suits and ties!

It appears that this other job may after all be a stitch up and someone has already been chosen. I think though, that the lack of correspondence and feedback is pretty bad. I know they have read my messages but even now they don't respond. I will be talking to a couple of people about it tonight and Friday and see what the situation is. If it is a stitch up then I imagine things will get a little ugly.

Tomorrow is the 3rd Anniversary of the presentation of my symptoms. Not official diagnosis day. However, it is a significant milestone for me and I am out at a lunch (how hot is THAT going to be I wonder? I shall be thinking about the onset of this which happened about 5 pm that day as I recall.

Still no news from the Hospital and I am happy enough to go on Holiday and then come back for whatever they are going to do to me. Whether it is a GA full biopsies or a peek and a poke.

I feel fine if not very tired and still somewhat overweight although if the weather carries on like this I will probably lose loads as I hardly eat in this sort of temperatures or what I do eat is normally salad.

I'd better go and get ready! A suit in this weather - what am I thinking!!

Paint Ball

Well - what can I say - we enjoyed our day but the temperature was in the high 27 C and humidity about 50% and so I struggled. All these youngsters off running around and shooting me :-)

However, the good thing was that we had a really great day out and even I enjoyed myself. I had some worry though as I felt some chest and arm twinges. I think I will take myself off to the Doc and see what he says about those. I've had these minor aches before but this felt a bit strange. It wore off after 3 or 4 minutes but even so - if it was just that I am unfit or something more to worry about I ought to get it checked out I suppose.

A great day - now off to have a shower and try and sleep in high humidity and high temperatures. we don't do A/C in our houses much in the UK - we do in our cars (which WAS a welcome relief) and so it could be a muggy night.

Damn cold

Has kept me off work - I was going in but when I woke up I felt pretty dreadful and don't feel a bundle of joy and charm right now.

What with the strange text messages I was getting, it came clear and as a bit of a shock to see that MJ had died. All that money and fame can't help you when the time comes can it?

We are getting very close now to my 3rd Anniversary which will be next Thursday 2nd July. It was three years ago that the symptoms really presented themselves. Having said that there were a few minor warning signs before then but, it was the 2nd July that all hell broke loose and this journey really kicked off.

I think that I will have to do a reflective either that day or shortly afterwards to explain what the last three years have actually meant and the journey to where I am now. This year I will be out for a meal during the day and so I may spend a bit of time having a few beers afterwards. Don't know about that yet...

If at first you don't suceed

Use alcohol and plenty of it.

Not sure if it actually has done the trick but came home early and had a couple of beers and feel a lot better. I could have done without the sneezing though.

I should be OK again in the morning and I am really hoping that the weekend goes well. I have never been paint balling but everyone tells me it is a good day out. I hope so.

It had better not be Swine Flu

I got up this morning and didn't feel great - then I got a cramp which really started off my day nicely :-)

I had to do my presentation which went down very well apparently and on the way back I wasn't feeling great. I got home, got changed and still don't feel really chipper. I've got very mild Flu symptoms so off to bed early and some lemsip and hopefully I'll be good in the morning. I don't need another dose of what I had at Christmas.

We are meant to be off paint balling on Saturday and so I hope that I am alright for that.

Let's see what a night's rest will do for me. Typical - I bet it was the sniffling woman who sat next to me on Monday on the train!

Getting on with life

Is sort of OK. It seems to be more normal to manage to last the whole week even though I am still tired and to get along without too much to worry about. There really is little to remind me that I was ill apart from I'm still somewhat overweight and the tiredness of course.

Tomorrow we are off to Slough for the AGM of the charity which will be nice as I am being driven there and back. As usual this afternoon was chaos making sure everything was there and that our speeches were all OK. I thought it was quite funny and my speech got altered again today and not by me and I'm delivering it :-) Oh well. It should be fun.

Looking forward to having an acting part as last time I was just the admin clerk.

At least I'll get a few extra hours in bed in the morning.

Father's Day

I don't need too much of an excuse to sit on my butt for most of the day. Today there was the F1 Grand Prix and it was Father's Day so a good enough reason. Some beers, watching the Grand Prix and falling asleep afterwards :-)

It's the European Athletics, US Golf and 20/20 cricket all going on there are plenty of distractions. I've been doing some more background work on the potential new job. Working on my pitch and making sure that I have all the requirements lined up and an answer to each of the role and candidate sections. The more I think about it - the more I like the idea of this job. The challenge alone makes it worth going for. To actually get the job would be really interesting and might make a few eyebrows rise. In fact, that would be a bonus in its own right to see what the reaction would be.

Deadline

The job deadline was Friday evening and I am hoping that I will at least get a chance to meet the team and have an interview. Of those who I know are also going for the job, I'm by far the youngest and also the one with the most recent and relevant business experience.

I suppose I ought to try and keep a level head. Id really enjoy the job and it would be something I could really get to grips with. It would fulfil an ambition long held and would really stretch me. I have tried to do the 9 to 5 that everyone recommends but it can get a bit boring.

Oh well, let's see what happens.

The Phoney War

It was called when troops sat out opposing each other for months on end whilst nothing actually happened.

Here I am, 6 months since the last invasive procedure and about 5 months since I was told I needed treatment and 4 months since I was told I didn't need treatment!

Gradually, life has returned to "normal". It isn't exactly "normal" yet as I still don't think that my family have come to terms with the fact I lived and I probably cannot get used to their subtle but very noticeable reaction to me. It isn't bad as such but I can't say things have returned to normal that way I still feel very different to the way I was and I'm sure that as my attitude has changed so the ability to adapt to my "take on life" must have changed massively.

I'm neither fish nor fowl at the moment. Neither ill or cured, neither well or not well. In limbo. I am making the most of being well though and that is the great thing.

We went out for a curry night this evening. We all had a great time and I have to say, the company was great and the food was excellent and suddenly, life is really worth living and your friends just grow more on you every time you hold an event like this. I hope we can fit in a few more this year - it really was an enjoyable evening.

Longer between posts

Means I am a busy chap and also that I have been concentrating on other stuff too.

It is interesting that I still haven't heard from the Hospital. I won't be forcing the issue until I get back from my holiday and the tickets arrived yesterday which has got me excited. L has finished school and gets ready for her 4 week expedition to Argentina. A is set to go to Rome and Venice.

I'm working out, after 19 years of not having exclusive access to Mrs. F. quite what we are going to talk about for 2 weeks.

The closing date for the "other job" was extended to tomorrow. I won't hear much until next week I guess. I am on parade on Wednesday delivering one of the key speeches at our Annual General Meeting. It is quite an interesting one too all about our new Mission Statement and the new ways we are tackling child poverty. The slide deck I have produced looks good and I hope with a bit more effort tomorrow it will be really polished.

Tomorrow night we have our curry night. Lots of us. My Nephew is driving over from Luxembourg to be with us and so I am looking forward to a good evening out and then it is the British Grand Prix over the weekend plus the golf and all sorts going on. I have a lot of computer based work to get through as well this weekend.

I feel well, I feel fit and I'm hoping that I get an opportunity of this job. It would be a lot more than I am doing now but it would just be so enjoyable too. I'm also beginning to wonder if I might get a flexible cystoscopy this time given the fact that I have had no treatment and they only had the slightest issue with the cells last time?

Life after Cancer

It may seem strange but I get a feeling that those of us who have gone through the stages and are blessed with clear pathology have worked out that you can now get on with life. The threat which isn't really far from removed, is nonetheless, a threat now and coming to terms with the chronic side of our diagnosis means that we are mindful and wary but must get on with our daily lives. It is an unfortunate fact that we probably still have to work and go through the day - to day existence to make a living and that having lived through the yukky bit we now need to move on.

I never thought I'd say it but I am back to an almost normals state of existence but with a few very keen extras to my persona added on. "No one died" is my mantra these days. Today, some trivial, minutiae transpired at work and frankly all that was needed was to bang a few heads together. "no one died" - they look at me funny when I say it :-)

Life is as back to normal now as I can make it. There are still hurdles to get through and things to be overcome but watch out life, here I come again.....

Tiredness

I have noticed that I am getting better at managing being tired and it is possible for me to snatch some sleep on the train into and out of work. Just enough to charge my batteries. I also grab a few moments at home if I can. I still get tired, the exertions of the weekend really did take it out of me. I am out at least two nights this week as well and I have yet to hear what the arrangements are for this job I applied for as I notice that the date has been extended to this Friday when originally it was last Friday.

It is an interesting job to go for and it will be interesting to see what process they go through from here. I'm not certain whether they will want someone of my particular skill set but I see advantages in me having quite rare skills to bring to the party.

I must arrange for my biopsies as well during the summer when all is quiet at work. Almost everything is finished and next week we have the AGM which sort of closes down our season's efforts.

Still feeling good and getting on with things. Wondering whether they have forgotten me :-)

Off again in a few minutes

I got a call last night and I'm off out for a few beers at lunchtime with an old friend of mine. He is a member of one of my Lodges and lives alone so it is nice for him to get out and bend my ear about everything from cricket to politics. It is a lovely day here today so perhaps we can sit in the beer garden or some such thing.

Yesterday was a long and enjoyable day and looking back on it, as always, if you prepare yourself you can cover off most problems. There will still a few but the team coped well (they were mainly new) and I hope that it bodes well for the future of the Lodge. The chap that I may work for was there and as is only to be expected was in deep conversation with the members and so I only managed to say a few words to him and we gave a nod that sort of noted that my CV was in with him and he had seen it. It was a sort of audition and I hope I passed.

Almost done

Ready for tomorrow

It is always a nightmare as odd things happen and those odd things are exasperated because there suddenly appear many problems out of nowhere.

For example, there are three extra people to dine tomorrow but the guy who does the dining isn't back until late tonight and nothing can be done about that. Somehow we have to work it out on the day. That is one thing. Now what will happen is that maybe three or four people will fall out or realise they weren't booked in and all hell breaks lose but you just cannot plan or mitigate for this. Everyone thinks that it is just their little problem you are dealing with as an isolated incident - the trouble is there are lots of these all arriving in at the same sort of time and it just gives you a headache.

It was to have been my last meeting and I would have been free of all this turmoil. No such chance as I have to do another year and then can get a rest. So another three of these and perhaps then I can rest. My replacement is well known to me and will be able to pick this up without too much difficulty I reckon.

So all day has been knocking out lists and checking and re-checking stuff for tomorrow. I hope that it will all be alright on the night (or day) as the chap that may well be looking to interview me for that "other" job also happens to be at tomorrow's meeting. I need to be on good form as I it will be a public audition by the looks of it.

I need to be on top form then. No pressure there :-)

As for health - I am still feeling good and more interested in keeping my weight down than thinking about good old BC at the moment. I suppose you have to get try and think "normally" and I have done so much this week that it really has taken my mind off of things.

It has been a busy week

I have hardly had time to draw breath and spent most of the week out and working late and in meetings. Tomorrow (or later today) I am at home and working here ready for my final major Lodge meeting of the season. I will be glad when it is over it is a nightmare at the moment. Especially as hardly anyone is turning up and there are just so many gaps in the officers. So I imagine tomorrow will be busy.

It is the final day for submitting interest in this other job. I am thinking a lot about it and whether or not it is the right thing to do. I would dearly love the job and the chap who I'd work for is actually going to be at my meeting on Saturday.

Still no news of the biopsies - have they forgotten or what? Do I call or just put it back if it arrives. My holiday is now about 5 weeks away and I am going to get into holiday mode after this weekend I feel. I'm hopeful to hear something on the job front next week and I need to consider quite what steps I need to take to get into shape for the holiday. I must get my walking levels up even though I must do three or so miles a day now - I reckon that I should be trying to get a few 5 or 10 mile ones in if I am to do justice to all these wonderful cities we are going to visit.

Health wise - I continue to feel well if a little tired still. The fatigue kicks in often but it isn't debilitating like it used to be. I can get on a train - like tonight - and almost pass out listening to my music. I had a few minutes in my chair tonight as well. At least I get a lie on tomorrow. No more worrying spots of whatever it was and despite most things I am feeling well and fit. My brain is beginning to sharpen back to a point where I am beginning to be instantaneous with my wit now. Before I had to work at it. I wonder whether General Anaesthetic and the BCG has finally worn off?

Tired

Oh boy I am sooooo tired again. Today was my committee day and all went well and I got everything passed which was just great.

Then I had to meet a colleague and after getting home at the crack of goodness knows when last night (did I mention the bus!) I got 4 hours sleep and went careering headlong onto my meeting.

I am just home again now at 11 or so and I must get to bed and get to sleep.

All is well and work was OK but, in reality, the problems are only just starting to mount as things take on their new perspective. the potential new boss is around on Saturday - I need to be on best behaviour.

Bye for now!