Another Photo - The Gold Room in Stockholm City Hall

Adjacent to the Hall where they hold the Nobel Dinner is this wonderful room. It is made up of 19,000,000 individual mosaic tiles. The picture just cannot do it justice another place that was close to awesome. Consider how long it would take you and a team to assemble and set 19,000,000 mosaics. I have enough trouble with a 5,000 piece jigsaw :-)

Did I mention that the dreams were back?

It seems to be that the brain goes into overdrive just before an operation. I had a dreadful night's sleep last night and loads of strange dreams. None stick in my mind apart from the hanging in the woods the other day but these were just unreal things going on.

At work at the moment, just waiting to go out for a drink with friend and catch up on his news.

Contact from our on board party

It was nice that we had a nice bunch of people at our table on the cruise and one of them sent through some photos this evening so I have printed those off. Finally I get a photo of myself on holiday. The on board photographer took a few but they were pretty contrived things and not at all what I'd have liked and Mrs. F. no longer takes photos!!!

So a few of us on at our dining table and up in the night club. That's nice as at least I may have a few photos for my mother who likes that kind of thing.

It is a strange thing but I have almost completely turned myself off sentimentality now. It is most bizarre but it isn't important anymore to have photos of when I was younger or any of the history stuff that I treasured before BC. I watched a few old videos of the girls the other day and it did nothing other than upset me and whilst it was nice to see and remember those times it all seems like another world to me now. Some huge lump of my life got ripped out and thrown away when I got cancer. I hope that it is transitory and that all these things I have cluttering up the house and gathering dust - for that is what they actually do - make come back to mean something to me later on. Nostalgia not being what it used to be perhaps? :-)

When I say upset me - it actually means that I beat myself up about almost anything that I see. I wasn't a good father; I didn't spend enough time with my kids; dah de dah de dah.... You know anything to beat myself up and that, at the moment, is the way it is. If I do look back I find myself giving myself a hard time for drinking, smoking and all the other excesses of my youth and some of my adult life too. I argue with myself that this is what you do and that everyone smoked and all of this sort of thing and I blame myself for my situation and for not having achieved some sort of imaginary high ground that my mind tells me I should have done. It is a strange thing n'est pas that your brain which belongs to you actually comes out against you and beats you up with such painful thoughts and vicious accusations. My brain is far worse than any bully or masochist :-)

I'm not sure why any of this should be, it just struck me that the photos I have don't do anything for me like they used to. Almost as if the past is the past. Perhaps things have changed so much that what they old things represent isn't important anymore. If these things aren't important anymore, I still have to find what is important of course. That perhaps is the next part of the journey and one that will be made easier if the results are good after Friday's operation.

The answer I think is that I am important but I can't easily live with that. I can't easily accept that I am the centre of my own universe. My family and children are important - but they have all just proved they can go off on their own and even at a young age have planned, worked for and undertaken journeys and adventures of their own.

It goes back to the recent dreams (they have returned pre-operation - including the nasty ones) and my own review of what "value" I am now to my family unit? It is a wrestle with my own self belief and self confidence and it relates to where I am in terms of living, treatment and what has happened to me in just three years. I'm in no doubt that this is just another phase you go through when you survive BC. The old survivor syndrome and why did you spare me question?

A few days at work and then Friday beckons - I hope that my surgeon will once again be able to tell me that things look clear and that we can plan the next steps in my journey. That being the case I hope to drown my brain with beer (Thanks Homer) and start to sort my life out - it really can't be that complicated :-)

Well that was OK

I walked up and got seen as I walked in which was good. A quick new set of swabs, urine sample and it was on to having a laugh about my blood pressure which was good as I had measured before going at 131 over 85 with a heart rate of 82. They got me at 150 over 95 with heart rate of 108. But Audrey knows me and that's OK.


Doctor was great and all tests etc were OK so I go in on Friday. I was finished in less than 30 minutes. I think I ought to just get dropped off next time (if there is a next time) so that I am not quite so hot. It is a 20 minute walk at my normal speed but I did it slightly slower at 25 minutes. Even so, I was a little sweaty when I arrived.

It was a completely routine thing today. I knew exactly what to do and when to do it, the ECG machine behaved itself and I managed a couple of pints at the pub on the way home as a reward for having my blood test which, as regular readers may know, is not my favourite thing on the planet.

So all is now set for Friday. the Doctor said that I might go home straight afterwards. I said that if they managed that it would only be the second time and that the butcher who did me before meant I was catheterised overnight which had been a first. Hopefully he took note of my comments. I bet that they will let me go as it is Friday and it is about the only time with L's party that it would have been good for me to be in overnight :-)

Not long now

Do I walk up there or get a lift this time? Not sure but a slow walk may be useful. As long as I don't sprint up there and get all out of breath again! I can always walk back via the pub :-)

I just went to do the MRSA swab tests and the liquid that they suspended in has hardened so I cant get the swab into the tube!! So much for making things easier.... Doh!

Now I'm feeling a little bit deep breathy - exhaling long and hard. I don't suppose I'll ever get used to it, its just the way I am.

Further Images

This is St. Petersburg and the Church of the Spilled Blood built over the spot where Tsar Alexander was blown up by a terrorist. It is a truly remarkable place. The Photos just don't do the place justice - for some of the places the word awesome can be applied and almost made to work.... The Mosaic work inside and the stone marquetry are unbelievable.

The Countdown Begins

Not the Final Countdown I hope :-)

In a little over 4 hours I have to have my pre-assessment and Friday I have to go in late so that means an afternoon operation. Not sure a Friday is a great day to do it. One minor blessing is that L has her 16th Birthday party that day in the garden here and so at least I don't have to be around for that. Last year it was a nightmare to sort them out and get them out of the house/garden. Apparently she was none to pleased about the way I spoke to and ordered people out but then - it's my house and I don't take kindly to having to tell anyone more than three times what I expect them to do.

I'm reasonably calm at the moment however and I feel OK. Whilst I may not be looking forward to going in, I've managed to rationalise it in my mind and I suppose that I just have to accept that this has to be done to be absolutely certain that things are progressing well.

I remember being quite put out that it wasn't last time I had it done as I was certain that it was going to be the last operation and that I'd be having the flexible cystoscopy done. As it is I am having the rigid cystoscopy and so they have to knock you out for it.

I am hoping that if this is clear, the next steps will be to move onto that observation stage. At the moment they are checking because of the Atypia found last time. Better safe than sorry.

I also wonder if, because of my age, they are making sure that things are OK and also that I can probably handle yet another operation. I still can't remember how many this is - so perhaps I ought to tot them all up and stick them in some sort of league table so I can remember. Maybe I'll just do it when this lot are finished.

Another Photo - Alexander Nevsky Cathedral - Tallinn

Alexander Nevsky Cathedral is a rather nice Orthodox Church right up the top of the hill in Tallinn. Tallinn is a lovely place spoiled only by us tourists :-) it was Sunday, there was a service going on and being quiet isn't too much to ask out of respect. Unfortunately a number of our European cousins on their tourist bus trips didn't think so. People can be pretty rude sometimes.

As you can probably see from the photos so far - we did get some pretty good weather overall.

Limbo State

Tomorrow is the pre-assessment and I can't say that I particularly like it. So familiar am I with the nurses there that I have a swab kit here to pre do some of the tests for MRSA so I just need to hand those in.

I suppose it can't be helped that I am a little heavier than the last time I went in. Other than that I will just have to see what tomorrow brings. Friday just needs to be over and done with and I hope that by this time next week I will be able to be sitting here writing some good things about the procedure - unlike last time.

To tell the truth I have now forgotten how many times I have actually been into Hospital for biopsies and TURBTs - I think this makes 7 times but I'd need to go and check that out.

I'm trying to be balanced and tell myself that I'd have settled for going in every 6 months for the rest of my life if they cured me - that would make me shudder but you can probably see that the act of reminding myself that the treatment has been life-saving brings some perspective back to the situation. I forget (like most people do) that through all the horrible things that have gone on the undeniable truth is that I am here still, I am in good health (although not great health) and that I need to count myself privileged to be in a position that the next operation is to check that things are OK not to remove tumours or anything else worse than that.

I've been quite down this past week and pretty downbeat, pessimistic almost (and many who know me would realise that isn't my usual state). Today I'm in a different mindset and I'm beginning to think things through more - rationalise it all out and make sense of what is going on. I did get a bit of a shock when I daydreamed of going to the woods and saw a picture of myself hanging from a noose on a tree - that snapped me out as well. I hasten to add, it (suicide) doesn't enter into the equation but it was a vivid representation of the depth of last week's depression. If you are wondering, I wouldn't because of what it does to those who know or knew you and those who found you and all that sort of stuff. I can understand why but not why you would upset loads of people by doing it (train jumpers for example - and I saw one just the once and it did upset me too). Yes, a daydream and a warning painting - the brain is a complex thing.

I have to face facts sometimes that I'm working with the cards I've been dealt and worrying about things beyond my control. Worrying doesn't change things but it is so much part of the territory (the Doctors don't tell you about) that I should be getting used to it by now. In some ways, maybe I am that I can work it through and know that it is transitory in nature. The whole Cancer trip is a fairground ride where someone has tampered with the rails or half sawn through the wooden supports of the roller coaster you're on. To your Doctor it is a tumour to be removed, treatment and checking and best care for a cure or remission. if it is worse then there is no doubt a protocol to follow in terms of whether they have time and ability to slow or stop metastasis. They have a matter of fact approach whereas you have to live with the dread of the boogie man coming back all the time. Someone likened it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and along with the massive fatigue that can also bring is the constant worry that something is about to happen to you. On a tour of duty service personnel have huge amounts of stress for long periods - whether they'll take a bullet, an IED or die, every hour or every day for the whole tour of duty. In Cancer it is that every twinge, anything out of the ordinary any slight change is a return of the cancer. There is always the worry that it will come back and that it will come back and get you next time. Your brain doesn't help you with this, it just adds fuel to that particular line of thought and makes things worse unless you spend time equalising out and in almost a right hand, left hand brain way think through the whole thing.

It is funny that last week wasn't "The Black Dog" I described earlier or even its puppy :-) It was just an uneasy state of being "stuck in a rut" or if "I hadn't got cancer?" or perhaps a bit of the old self-pity or the down after the holiday and returning to work. Who knows. Cancer just amplifies this and I it plays on your own fears and it magnifies them.

It is a nice sunny day outside, as usual it looks as if I am the only one in the house and so I will set up outside with a radio (Test Match is on) and a shade and have a relaxing day.

I do have my health and I have family, job and yada yada so I ought to be thankful that I have those.

Another Photo - Our Cruise Ship

A nice enough Ship P&O Artemis. At 25 she shows some signs of age but is a bit like an old pair of worn in faded jeans - comfortable and familiar.

I thought I could take photos

We did the family photos - not mine just A's and L's photos. They both had a great time and L's shots of Argentina are amazing. A's Venice and Rome ones were also quite stunning. We didn't have time for mine but as my photos amount to theirs combined - over 1,800 photos and the best part of 2 hours video it would be a bit too much just for one sitting. Tomorrow maybe.

Kind of dreading this time next week - I'll no doubt be stuck in Hospital overnight - I do hope though that this time it is in the Urology ward where they actually know how to look after you!

TGIF

Just got home and will be spending quality time (as they say) with L to hear her stories of Argentina, Paraguay and Brazil. I just glimpsed some of the photos and it looks to have been a brilliant trip.

Work was a bit hectic. The Boss's one day back and everyone wanted a piece of him. I got in early but he is off for 3 weeks to Canada. I have my own worries with the pre-assess on Monday and the operation this time next week. I don't feel good about this one at all and I think that I've already touched on why that should be.

Anyway, at least I can look forward to a warm weekend so they say and perhaps we can get the barbecue out and we might even drag my screen and projector outside and have an open air movie of our holiday slides and videos :-)

Plane has arrived at Heathrow

Just waiting to get the call and I will order the take away Chinese which L has ordered along with being me with a Yorkie Bar (a large UK chocolate bar advertised as "not for girls").

I got home a bit early and have set up the kitchen ready and am tracking the flight. Very much looking forward to seeing her as it has to be the longest time apart any of us have ever had.

L comes back from Argentina

In about 18 hours time. I am really looking forward to seeing her. I do miss her - she is so funny and so "off the wall" - I don't know where she gets it from.

I'm so proud/pleased etc. I just want to hear about everything she has done and to reinforce in her mind that she did this almost entirely herself - she raised almost every penny/cent and I am hoping that it will be a real life changing experience for her. We will have a big party tomorrow night and unfortunately I need to be in work the next day as it is the only day the boss is in!

I imagine she will sleep the whole of Friday anyway and so we can have a great family weekend and just listen to her adventures.

Nice night out

At the Jazz evening. Been going since 1988 so a bit of an old hand. I'm still the youngest one there though :-)

Feeling kind of maudling at the moment and just not my normal happy go lucky self. Sure it will change once all the crap is out of the way.

Guess what? My PC which was terminal I thought - is back with me and working. How cool is that? The PC man tested everything and it all worked, which is biz are as when I did that everything was dead. Anyway, glad to have that back and my car which cost a king's ransom to sort out this time. I suppose at 6 years old it needed all it brakes, tyres and bushes sorted. It is now looking like a real cat as it sits glistening on my driveway - Grrrrr!

Well there's your problem

On the way in to work it struck me that I really quite resent having my life changed and it adds to some of the reasons I'm currently unhappy.

Before BC I was on 4 times the money and every day was a challenge; I had responsibility and autonomy and status. Now I don't have any of those or, perhaps it is more accurate to say, I don't realise if I have any of those. I think I might have respect/status but the problem with taking a job lower down the food chain is that it doesn't push or challenge and it has now got to be routine - which I think is a better word than mundane. I easily exceed expectations as expectations are set for someone at the beginning of their career, not with a 1,000 year's knowledge and experience like me :-)

Getting up and going to work is mechanical and not exciting although I enjoy the people. It is funny that I'm feeling this at a time when, if everything is clear, I will be able to negotiate a permanent role. I suppose in this day and age having a permanent job can be looked on as a good thing.

Anyway, so I've pinned down one of my current issues. I know the other one is just reeling from having to go in for full biopsies again and realising that I will have to continue this sort of thing for whole of life, it isn't going away - or isn't likely to in the next several years.

Perhaps there is also the uncertainty about what they'll find - it has been 8 months since the last operation and I've had no maintenance since that time...

A combination of things then but it is all about coming back to the reality of what you have - a manageable acute disease that can recur when you least expect it.

Occasional Images of the holiday

CLICK on the image to make it much larger.

Why not I thought put a few images up. this one is pretty damn spooky. In Copenhagen we looked over by a bridge and saw these statues staring out of the water at us. I hope you can see them - oh for a filter to be at hand but, of course, A has all my lenses and filters :-)

Doom and Gloom Mood continues

Actually it was lightened a little as some more of my colleagues were in today and so that lightened me up a bit. I realised that I didn't actually tell them that I was due in next week - I'll tell them tomorrow.

We are getting ready for L to return on Thursday night. My car got serviced today and at close to £1K for the work needed I might need to start thinking about my little luxury :-) however, Mrs. F. is going off to Heathrow on Thursday to pick her and her friend up so there will be a massive welcome home for her then. I have to go to work on Friday which is a nuisance but I reckon L will sleep for 24 hours anyway so we have the whole weekend.

I can't say that I am looking forward to the next few weeks. Perhaps it may be the last invasive work on me, perhaps it wont, we will have to wait and see the results.

there was a series of programmes on last night about Cancer - very interesting and I'm getting my head back around the fact that as ordinary as I appear and as much as I'd like this all to go away, it isn't going away and it will come back at decreasing frequencies (I hope) for the rest of my life.

You don't really understand that as you hope that you'll just get discharged and that will be it. It may be with some cancers but not, it seems, with bladder cancer at the level I had anyway.

I'll see if I lighten up a bit more tomorrow. At least it is Jazz night tomorrow and I will enjoy going to that and spending some time with my friends.

Funny mood

I've been in a funny old mood for a couple of days now. I'm not sure I understand all the reasons why - I can guess that it is a combination of things and I'm sure it is coming back to "routine" and I really don't do routine at all well. I couldn't hack a job that was the same day in and day out. This job has got a bit "samey" now and I suppose from being someone that had to walk into everyday and tackle whatever turned up, this can get quite dreary and like walking through treacle to get something done that, frankly, should only take a few hours.

I'm neither one thing or the other at the moment and it isn't depression although it is close, it is perhaps coming back to normality and the day to day trudge of life. Things just go on much the same everyday and it would be nice for it to be different occasionally.

No one likes an Operation

Least of all me. Not my usual cheery self today at all at work. Was a bit grumpy and a bit annoyed with just about everything really. Annoyed with the stuff left on my desk; annoyed that I feel not so great about my holiday and annoyed that I have to go in for a full blown operation and the needles and the other baggage that goes with the territory. I can see how some people just give up and finally refuse treatments and so on.


Interestingly enough, I just haven't convinced myself this time that this is necessary. I thought that the December Operation was it and that all would be over and every time something happened to me, I convinced myself that it would be the last time that I needed to have a cannula in my hand, go to theatre, wake up from a strange sleep, argue with the nurses about my inability to walk around a ward when I was connected to the bed and all the other "fun" things that happened to me last time. At each stage, it was my defence mechanism. This is the last time you'll need to do this or that I'd tell myself.


Obviously not then!


Oh well, I'm tired and I need to get some sleep. A has heard from L that she is alright and relaxing back in Buenos Aires ready to come home later this week. Goodness she has been away a whole month.


Talking to A tonight was interesting, it appears that she was one of only a very few who got Distinction in her exam. Some only got passes and there were very few merits awarded either. She really does work very hard and just looking at her notes and research you can see how much effort went into the project at the end. Good on her. It looks as if she has got her place secured and will travel up from here every day. Good on her I say.