It was nice that we had a nice bunch of people at our table on the cruise and one of them sent through some photos this evening so I have printed those off. Finally I get a photo of myself on holiday. The on board photographer took a few but they were pretty contrived things and not at all what I'd have liked and Mrs. F. no longer takes photos!!!
So a few of us on at our dining table and up in the night club. That's nice as at least I may have a few photos for my mother who likes that kind of thing.
It is a strange thing but I have almost completely turned myself off sentimentality now. It is most bizarre but it isn't important anymore to have photos of when I was younger or any of the history stuff that I treasured before BC. I watched a few old videos of the girls the other day and it did nothing other than upset me and whilst it was nice to see and remember those times it all seems like another world to me now. Some huge lump of my life got ripped out and thrown away when I got cancer. I hope that it is transitory and that all these things I have cluttering up the house and gathering dust - for that is what they actually do - make come back to mean something to me later on. Nostalgia not being what it used to be perhaps? :-)
When I say upset me - it actually means that I beat myself up about almost anything that I see. I wasn't a good father; I didn't spend enough time with my kids; dah de dah de dah.... You know anything to beat myself up and that, at the moment, is the way it is. If I do look back I find myself giving myself a hard time for drinking, smoking and all the other excesses of my youth and some of my adult life too. I argue with myself that this is what you do and that everyone smoked and all of this sort of thing and I blame myself for my situation and for not having achieved some sort of imaginary high ground that my mind tells me I should have done. It is a strange thing n'est pas that your brain which belongs to you actually comes out against you and beats you up with such painful thoughts and vicious accusations. My brain is far worse than any bully or masochist :-)
I'm not sure why any of this should be, it just struck me that the photos I have don't do anything for me like they used to. Almost as if the past is the past. Perhaps things have changed so much that what they old things represent isn't important anymore. If these things aren't important anymore, I still have to find what is important of course. That perhaps is the next part of the journey and one that will be made easier if the results are good after Friday's operation.
The answer I think is that I am important but I can't easily live with that. I can't easily accept that I am the centre of my own universe. My family and children are important - but they have all just proved they can go off on their own and even at a young age have planned, worked for and undertaken journeys and adventures of their own.
It goes back to the recent dreams (they have returned pre-operation - including the nasty ones) and my own review of what "value" I am now to my family unit? It is a wrestle with my own self belief and self confidence and it relates to where I am in terms of living, treatment and what has happened to me in just three years. I'm in no doubt that this is just another phase you go through when you survive BC. The old survivor syndrome and why did you spare me question?
A few days at work and then Friday beckons - I hope that my surgeon will once again be able to tell me that things look clear and that we can plan the next steps in my journey. That being the case I hope to drown my brain with beer (Thanks Homer) and start to sort my life out - it really can't be that complicated :-)
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