On the way in to work it struck me that I really quite resent having my life changed and it adds to some of the reasons I'm currently unhappy.
Before BC I was on 4 times the money and every day was a challenge; I had responsibility and autonomy and status. Now I don't have any of those or, perhaps it is more accurate to say, I don't realise if I have any of those. I think I might have respect/status but the problem with taking a job lower down the food chain is that it doesn't push or challenge and it has now got to be routine - which I think is a better word than mundane. I easily exceed expectations as expectations are set for someone at the beginning of their career, not with a 1,000 year's knowledge and experience like me :-)
Getting up and going to work is mechanical and not exciting although I enjoy the people. It is funny that I'm feeling this at a time when, if everything is clear, I will be able to negotiate a permanent role. I suppose in this day and age having a permanent job can be looked on as a good thing.
Anyway, so I've pinned down one of my current issues. I know the other one is just reeling from having to go in for full biopsies again and realising that I will have to continue this sort of thing for whole of life, it isn't going away - or isn't likely to in the next several years.
Perhaps there is also the uncertainty about what they'll find - it has been 8 months since the last operation and I've had no maintenance since that time...
A combination of things then but it is all about coming back to the reality of what you have - a manageable acute disease that can recur when you least expect it.
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2 comments:
You sound like a man that needs a night out imbibing and some serious discussion on how to put the world to rights (well it works for me). Let me know when you have a free evening.
Did you get my note about tonight for the Jazz? Can set up a time from there :-)
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