That was nice

I haven't been to G's Lodge since the day he was initiated and that's a combination of things including my own Lodge of Instruction meets on Monday and I'm relatively senior and have to be there. My treatments, when I had them, happened on a Monday and I was generally in no fit state to go and a million and one other reasons. However, I made it at last. A little early but that was good. Very good as I had to travel by tube in this hot and muggy weather.

As regular readers know I happen to suffer from a couple of worrying character traits and phobias. The phobia that is the worst is claustrophobia and so as you can imagine - a trip on an Underground train is right up there on my list along with drilling a hole in my own head, plunging my body into boiling water and a few other things I could think of. But as I got away from work early I was able to catch the train early and so spend a nice quiet few minutes in a pub in Tufnel Park drinking a rather cheeky Red Beer from Cornwall - Mmmm. It was boiling at the meeting and I managed to get a job to do which I did enjoy. A vegetarian meal was provided and so that also made for an interesting evening. One of G's mates drove me most of the way home which was great he dropped me at a railway station and after 2 minutes wait I caught a train to my local station and a further 2 or 3 minutes later the bus turned up so I was home by 10:30!! which is great. A good result all around.

Pleased that I didn't have any travel issues on the Underground at all - not even shortness of breath so pretty impressed. i did though notice my behaviour about where I sat and how I get on and off these trains, how near I sit to doors and windows etc.

That's strange

My ears are getting longer, my nose has started to twitch a lot and I've taken a rather strange like to carrots. Time to move into the Hutch....

Out all day tomorrow - time to face the wrath of my co-workers for not turning up on Friday after the crazy afternoon of credit card cancelling and all that jazz! What a day Friday was. This Friday coming will also be one of those days too. Scar Wars IX breaks the horizon and I'm trying not to get all emotional about it. In a way, it frightens me that I got a recurrence last time and perhaps there will be something worse there this time. That's why they've brought it forward 3 months so they can check that out. I hope for the best but this time I need to be a little less optimistic about the results so that if it is worse than the results I want, it doesn't come to me as big a shock as it did last time.

Diet will be blown off the rails tomorrow as I am back in the office and they are providing lunch for our meeting and then I am off to a meeting in London, which will be great as I haven't been there for a long time. I just hope they finish at a decent time so I can get home OK. Last time some nice chap gave me a lift back as I was in danger of missing my last train. As I recall - I got a really late bus home - almost the last one!! I have been assured that this time it will not be a late one. Fingers Crossed.

Weight

16 Stones and 3 lbs - which in real money is 227 lbs.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about that as the Hospital measured me lower than that on Wednesday and this week I have actually noticed things like my trousers being really loose, my jackets are no longer tight especially around my stomach.  Even my thighs look thinner - if that can possibly be :-)

I'm very pleased - I reckon the weather must also have a lot to do with it - I've been eating (except last night's barbecue) rabbit food all week and just a little fish or meat.  Generally, I eat salads with some sort of fish or have baked potatoes with baked beans and Tuna and some low fat cheese.  I'm still thwacking back cottage cheese and taking my pro-biotic yoghurt drink every morning.  I'm eating lots of fruit and also have dried fruits too.  I have no sugar or sweet things, no crisps, no cakes or anything like that - if I want a snack I go and get a piece of fruit or a stick of celery or some such.  It is slightly more than my target 2lbs a week but I'm sure there are anomalies with the measuring equipment and some sort of plus / minus thing that goes on.

I will have to be careful after I come out of Hospital as I tend to "boredom eat" if Ii am just sat or lying around all day recovering.  If you've not had a Rigid Cystoscopy the main thing is that they insert a large tube up your urethra  which leaves you pretty sore for 24 to 36 hours and uncomfortable for about a week I suppose.  Because they normally take out 6 biopsies from your bladder to examine, and these are cauterised wounds, they scab up and you must be careful to let them heal and they tend to take a few weeks to clear up completely.  Unfortunately you do tend to pee a bit of blood and the odd clot for a few days afterwards and then perhaps up to 2 weeks later can pass some bits.  It isn't painful just unnatural and therefore disturbing.  So as you can imagine, leaping around, doing exercises or any other over exuberent activity is seriously frowned on.  I did some and set myself back - this was probably in early 2007 and I was told just to take it easy.  Things like driving especially a heavy old clutched manual car like mine are also not advisable for the first week or so.

Well, I am pleased with my progress to date and I am pleased that I've changed my eating habits enough to continue to lose weight with the help of my exercises.  I am not expecting too much in the way of loss in the next 3 weeks though.  

Thing are a little cooler

The weather has broken down a bit and with a bit of luck we can spend a day in warm but not humid conditions. Yesterday was almost getting to unbearable and doing anything was difficult. Exercise was right out and so that meant 2 days without doing any. I am out all day tomorrow and so it may not be until Tuesday that I can get back to doing any and then only up until Friday and my operation. I might even consider doing some exercise before going in to hospital - at least my Blood Pressure will be low :-)

I need to go and check out my weight etc in a short while and publish that. I'm hot expecting great things this week especially with a few days missed through the heat.

Too hot to exercise

Saturday was so warm today that it was difficult to do anything but hang around indoors with fans blowing air around. It is too hot to do anything and there was no way Ii was going to tackle any exercise today in case I overdid things.

Feeling OK, a little p1ssed off with yesterday's nonsense with the on-line fraud stuff. An me after all my years in the business too.

Other than that - an easy day just everyone is boiling hot.

So that blew my Exercise and going to London

I spent half the afternoon sorting this out and doing the usual changing passwords and all that good stuff. What a nightmare.

It is boiling tonight and the fans will be working overtime in our rooms to keep us cool. The humidity is through the roof - we just aren't used to it. Hopefully we will get some sleep but it will be difficult.

Come to think of it - doing exercise in this would have been pretty meaningless I cannot imagine it would have been comfortable or constructive.

Roll on the weekend. I need to just enjoy it after the annoyance of today and the brain work I've done and - of course - getting ready for Scar Wars IX next Friday. At least by this time next week it will all be over. I hope it isn't as hot as it is today....

Bugger

Identity theft - what a dumb ass. A long day, it's very warm and I fell for it. At least I knew as soon as I hit the button what it was and blow me - at least we were able to call it in and stop the credit cards straight away. Clever - really clever and I even did some looking around first to see what it was all about. They've been very clever by using a system that points people to their site.

Dear Lord please give me one minute on my own with one of these low life good for nothing waste of oxygen wasters - oh yes - I need a baseball bat - and I can so something about it. Ripping them a new rectum seems somewhat appropriate. So I didn't get to go up to town and have a few drinks with my work colleagues I have gone through all my email accounts and everything else on-line and changed the passwords.

So, let us hope that something very nasty happens to them and they get caught and locked up with the big boys in prison.

One Week Away

This time next week I will be going into shut down mode ready to wander off to the Hospital to have the next procedure. Nine times in 4 years I'll have to set out a chart one day to see the pattern of these visits. I hope my Consultant is there and can get me out on the same day again like last time. It made a big difference to my general well-being. If I can get home on the day I feel 100 times better and can sleep in my own bed rather than in a noisy Hospital Ward.

I hope that this time they bring my bag to me quicker so I can listen to my music if I have to hand around. There is nothing worse than having no book to read or nothing to take your mind off the clicking of the clock on the ward.

Suddenly I feel a bit melancholic about things and I just let out a huge sigh. The thing I have to keep saying is that there was only a pin-prick of a tumour in the bladder which they took out - it was low grade and everywhere else was clear, no cancer, nothing else, just clear. So a minor setback is all it is, being called back in 3 months is a precautionary thing. If they find nothing this time then we move on, if suddenly we have more of a recurrence then another course of action will be needed. Quite what that is has yet to be determined and until something is found isn't necessary.

I expect my mood to get slightly worse over the next week as it draws nearer. Let's hope that it all goes well.

Happier things before then of course, the F1 Grand Prix is at Silverstone this weekend, the World Cup plays its last two games, the Tour de France is under way - only another 2 weeks to go on that. The Open can't be far away either. L has her provisional License ready to tackle driving once her 17th (yes 17th) comes around in August. A is getting ready to go on her 3rd holiday of the summer (poor students) and she is planning on taking us somewhere, not that anyone has actually told me when they are available.

Being a control freak really does have its problems. Talking of which I found this trawling around the Internet which I thought summed it up pretty well:

Makes your blood boil

I can't believe the utter mess this guys has made of a document I spent at least 20 hours making nice after the last time he tackled it. Now he's split it into three documents - 3 - what is he playing at?

I've just delivered the bad news like - if you want my time you really ought to book it and let's face it, he cancelled a whole day of my time last week (or was it the week before). So I didn't get paid for a day that was booked and now I'm doing MY work he wants me to drop that and help him out.

So I've fired off a late email with the news but honestly, we have people needing to review and comment on it by Monday and it may not even be published until late tomorrow night if I can squeeze in trying to repair all the damage done to my original.

Hopefully he will realise that I can't just dangle around waiting for his every whim?

Thrashed on with exercise tonight and got rid of much of the anger that this incident had caused. I hope that I can report a loss of weight on Sunday but A is angling for a barbecue as it is going to be a hot weekend and she bought me 4 beers which are chilling in the fridge. That would utterly kill my diet which again has been mainly rabbit food. I do like though mixing up the salad with fruit and nuts and dried fruit too. Today we had peas in their pods to shell. So lunch was a can of vegetable soup (yes even in this hot weather) a small bowl of peas followed off a little later with a really nice ripe Green Fig. I even had a few cups of tea today - which is very rare for me. I'm a bit of a coffee nut but today it just made a change. With salad this evening with some Mackerel and a few shredded crab sticks, I reckon that I've probably only eaten 1,000 calories at the most maybe less that that. I'm certainly much better with intake of food now and a salad takes me 15 minutes to prepare and I can take at least that long to slowly eat it. It's all about not snacking and filling you face too quickly and eating the right things etc.

I'm still seeing improvements in my Blood Pressure readings and I did jump on the scales tonight to be disappointed that they don't appear to have moved much since Sunday but they didn't read what the Hospital ones did. Maybe I ought to invest in a more accurate weighing device :-) Anyway, I try to only look at my weight on Sunday when I record that, along with my measurements - waist, chest and hips which I enter into a BMI calculation. It shows a gradual decrease in weight but not much discernible in the other measurements excepting that my waist must be getting smaller as my trousers are noticeably looser and my belt is one notch tighter.

I'm feeling a lot better in myself and that's also a good sign I reckon. If you feel good about yourself then your self esteem is up and you start to feel that much better.

I have to sort out tomorrow morning whether to go and sort out this set of documents or not. If I do I set a precedent (which I also do if I don't do them I suppose). He will just have to learn that I am not a resource which you can throw a switch and I'm there.

So let me get this straight

I send you the document I've worked up into great shape 3 weeks ago and you've destroyed it and cut it in half. Then you've damaged all the functionality and the sections and the headers and footers, destroyed all the page numbers, the indexing and we now have two documents because you "think" that is the right thing to do?

We have a meeting on Monday and you really expected me to put it all back together by this evening so it can be issued to the team? Oh and you want to send me the 2nd half of the document to tidy that up too. Of the 120 odd pages that need to be reviewed by the team prior to Monday (and It's Thursday late afternoon now) you felt it was then fair and reasonable that they'd get the document tomorrow some time? Yea right your having a Giraffe (that's laugh in your language).

I have my own business to run and so I may deem to answer this at about 10 tonight and ask why? I was meant to issue the document not spend all my time repairing it tonight. I won't budge either, I've got my stubborn head on as I have been working all day on researching where we can get funds from. It is hard work mapping out all the people you know and where you can get introduced to go and get some finance. The trouble is that we need a lot of money invested in a controlled manner. We have specific requirements and reading some of the hoops you need to go through it makes you wonder how anything actually gets off the ground. The personal costs involved in agreeing terms seem to amount to the actual cost of doing 6 months work - again, they're having a Giraffe too in my estimation.

Right - I've done enough work for now - off to do some exercising and get ready for a relaxing evening.

Friends the good, the bad and the ugly

I like to consider the one great thing about Freemasonry, beyond the moral and charitable foundations is that it is about brotherhood or brotherly love. these 21st Century days those 17th century words probably don't mean what they actually meant when they were first coined and can be twisted somehow and maybe those words need to change a bit. I't isn't love in the way you'd expect it to be described since the 1960s for example.

What it means, of course, is comradeship if you like. What - perhaps it feels like to be on the same side, team spirit, brothers in arms maybe. So tonight's great vibes were when they read out that I was in next week for a small "set back" in my progress and the 9th operation in 4 years. My Almoner, C, has been great and kept his eye on me ever since I've been ill. He reads this blog so knows some of the ups and downs. He is great and I know that he does lots of other visiting things that he never tells anyone about. Such is the mark of the man. So C reported to the Lodge what was going on and the well wishes were and still are quite over whelming. I have to bat these back saying it will be OK, it is only a minor thing, it is no "big Deal" it is the sort of reality that is bladder cancer. I always, and maybe I shouldn't, enjoy explaining how they actually get into my bladder to do this work. "Is it key hole?" they ask. "well - they go in through your penis" kind of kills off the conversation. If you haven't go the wincing by then - well you're just no good at it :-)

The other one is "how did you find out?" - so you say "I went to the toilet and pissed blood all the time" also has about the same squirming effect. I don't actually do the "beat around the bush" stuff for long as people really need to know. They need to be aware and also in some ways to understand the facts that it isn't a death sentence.

So where is this blog going? It is rambling a bit and the reason is that one of my friends, who I have known for a long time, and I've whined about before on this blog, is still driving me bloody nuts. I've known him all my Masonic life and it is because of him I am so involved and yet, when he is in the sh1t and needs our help he doesn't see that we are trying to help. But the reaction is so bad and bitter and everything is wrong about the guy that I can't get near, help or anything. the reason? It appears that it is something to do with I've got things sorted out and I'm OK and somehow it is wrong.

That still doesn't translate well! Let me try this then - You can tell I find it difficult to tackle this because it is a long term friendship but he's just p1ssed everyone off and try as you might, he isn't going to accept your help as he is now in full denial that there is anything wrong. I can't get past the protective shell he has put up and that shell is nasty, aggressive and spiteful and hurtful to his friends. I have to keep trying even though it hurts me I suppose.

So tonight I suggest that I had to take a course of action as I wasn't sure whether he was going to turn up and he rounds on me as if I have done it to hurt him. I have to do these things to get them done and meet targets. He is Mr. Unreliable incarnate and suddenly, because I have had to be pragmatic (and I don't really need to involve him) it is my fault. I'm easing him out. I'm doing something to him. I didn't even need to mention it.

How long do you keep trying for? He is a friend after all but for the last 18 months he has done everything in his power to destroy that and make me the villain and I'm (hopefully) not. He has made so many enemies recently. The girls in my office don't like him and he's upset most of the people I've introduced him to. He just can't help himself. He's even p1ssed off Mrs. F. and that, I can tell you, takes some doing.

So - there you go - love/hate relationship and it's all looking bad and the chap is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy - he's going down and despite all his friends rallying around, he's turned his back on them too and going to the depths all by himself. I was thinking of a phrase that summed this up and this one does that:

"I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass!!!"

So back to the blog - the ugly and bad is done. The good are all those who wished me well, looked worried, didn't quite understand that it isn't that serious but they thought it was. The ones who thought I was being brave and yet it's "just the way the cookie crumbles guys" and all that stuff. I sort of spent the time rationalising it the way I rationalise it:

1. It was a tiny, minute tumour
2. the remaining 99.9% of my bladder was clear of cancer and has been for 3+ years
3. You can't treat a tiny, weeny little tumour like that - it was cut-out and is NO LONGER THERE
4. It was low grade, low threat, less than CIS or any other tumour I've had before
5. Decreasing the time between biopsies is best in class behaviour and the right thing to do
6. If they find anything now - they can scrape it out. If they don't we revert back to the original 6 month reviews
7. In 3 months not a lot can happen to a bladder that was left cancer free
8. BC grows slowly and can be controlled

Now I know this - and Steve K in the USA knows this as do many pragmatic sufferers. We live with odds and facts and binary decisions. We also live with "other stuff" that may or may not assist but we rationalise and we decide and we move on from there. We know that this is what happens, that BC is no death sentence to us as we were "caught early". We are constantly monitored and subject to the best western Medicine available.

Of course, our friends don't know this. They think we are "brave", that we are "warriors" and yet we are no different to them. When you get this you decide to live or to die. It is your choice. If you wish to live then you have to undergo many things. Believe me, some of the things I want to live for are very important for me - perhaps see my daughters down the aisle - see them graduate or maybe - though I'm not sure of this - to become a grandparent. I don't know but to me, life is worth all the fighting, the Hospitals, the treatments and all that. What does it mean if you just roll over and "take it up the ........." you fill in whatever blank feels appropriate.

I'm not brave - I do however believe I am an Advocate or Ambassador and show people that Cancer is survivable, something that you tackle with dignity and good humour. That surviving matters, that doing the right thing is the way forward, that you need to have a respect for these things but that you don't fall over cheaply and that you play your part in defeating this scourge to society. Cancer ruins so many lives. It never fails to make me feel humble that I've survived, that I can still fight it, that - compared to many others - I am so lucky to have something that is treatable. My family are older, imagine a younger child or family dealing with this and I do get upset by it.

Now I'm arguing the point I made above about these wonderful people, who aren't directly affected by cancer being worried about me and there is me, worrying about them when, in reality I find seeing anyone else in distress especially young people and young families equally upsetting. The balance is that I've had quite a bit of life and they haven't. It would leave a dent here but my children are older and I hope more resilient.

I like my friends, the good the bad and the ugly I just wish the one person I had so much time for - for over 25 years - can just switch back to being the person I admired and loved so much. Today, I find it so very hard to enjoy his company or to try and have any sort of discussion with. I feel that my energy just drains away and that all attempts to get close are met with a virtual stab in the heart with an ice hardened dagger. It is so sad but what I'm getting to eventually is this nagging in the back of my head and it says:

Look after yourself. Only your survival is important, be selfish for once in your life, do the right thing for yourself and your family. Enjoy your own life and do your own thing. I've not lived by those rules ever. I was brought up to help people and yet the nag nag nag in the back of my head says these things. Look after yourself and your own, sod everyone else. Survival is all.

I fight against this selfish view, rightly I think. But maybe, just maybe there is something here that means - just concentrate on getting yourself right first. You can't help other people if you aren't well enough to do that. You can't keep getting emotionally involved, whipped, beaten up without their being further toll on your health. Be Utterly Selfish and get yourself well. Sod the rest.

That is what my head says and is wrestling with. Sometimes I really hate the way my brain works - it has these arguments and moral battles and no one actually wins out.

Time for bed said Zebedee

All Systems Go for Scar Wars IX

Yep - clean bill of health, amused my regular nurse with a full readout from my Blood Pressure monitor but actually 160 over 90 was pretty good for me at the Hospital :-) Blood taken, Heart Monitored - Questions Answered and ECG and general prodding around is done so it looks as if all systems are go.

I feel like a regular there now, had all my MRSA tests done as well and so things are set for Friday week. It was interesting as we got onto the weight loss discussion and I measured 102.5 Kilo today. When I was first in Hospital I weighed 92.5 Kilo so a 10 Kilo or 22 lbs difference. That gives me a good idea for the sort of weight loss I am contemplating and I still felt I was overweight then although, having said that, I have been lower.

So 102.5 Kilos is 225 Pounds (16.14 Stones). What is interesting about this is that it is much less than I think I weigh which I think is closer to 230 - there is always some sort of variance I guess and I was weighed first thing in the morning with little in the way of intake so perhaps that may be it. I scaled 92.5 Kilos in 2006 which is 205 Pounds (14.64 Stones).

So there is my target weight to get me to my pre cancer weight. I reckon that it needs to go below that a bit further for my 5 foot 11 and 3/4" - I'd be 6 foot if I had any hair :-) We will just have to see. I can't imagine that me eating a bag of sweets (my reward for having my blood taken) will overly impact my weight but I have a slap up meal tonight which may well affect things :-)

It is amazing how quickly you can put on weight but how slowly it tends to come off. I know that it should come off in a controlled manner and no more than a few pounds a week. It is pretty depressing to think that it could take me 10 weeks or more to lose anything like the weight I need to but at least if I can maintain that it will mean that for September and October I will be able to fit nicely into my suits again.

Early Morning

I will wander up to the Hospital and have my pre-assessment done. I must remember to drink plenty of water as they need a sample when I get there and I need to take the 2nd pee of the day in a sample jar with me too.

I'm getting an old hand at this now and I am going to take my Blood Pressure readings of the last month along just to prove a point about my white coat syndrome. Even though I've been through all of this before I still find it particularly stressful especially blood tests and everything else. I've only ever been ill when I've been in Hospital - that statement may not make sense - but what I mean is, it has always been, operation this, course of treatment that, stitches, injections, operation, nasty tests and so on. I suppose you don't go there otherwise but to me, it just has no "nice" feel to it at all. I associate it with having stuff I don't want to have done, being done to me.

At the end of the day though, they are helping me and I am a lot better than I was 4 years ago without doubt. If they didn't operate then and do the treatment etc., well..... maybe I wouldn't be here now to complain about it :-)

This will have been the 9th Operation in 4 years. It is eclipsed by my time when I was a child of having 11 operations albeit over a 9 year period and some of those were close together. These were on my ear which I managed to have a series of Polyps removed and then a blown ear drum, a reconstruction, some clever removal of the hearing bones and re-insertion sometime later and then a mastoidectomy which I remember being pretty strange as I had a tendency to fall over through dizzy spells for some time after and had migraines for about a year afterwards. Glad I never got those headaches again they were wicked things as I recall.

To add to that I had one hell of a scare after getting off a flight and ended up for 4 or 5 days with a suspected heart attack that was eventually explained away as a feint - possibly to do with the plane being cramped?? Mmm. So there you go - Hospitals are not my favourite places.

I did have my friend come and do some hypnotism on me and that has helped me a lot. I can take myself to and from hospital. I can even have blood tests and that without needing anyone nearby so a massive improvement in the way I approach having to attend and go through all these things. Once tomorrow is out of the way I will be able to take it relatively easy as I won't go in until the 16th July and so a week and a half should help me to get prepared for Scar Wars IX. Let's hope that it turns out better than Scar Wars VIII.

Nothing quite as boring

As pouring over legal term sheets and agreements. I could feel my interest levels dropping off this afternoon. What a load of words :-) All necessary I'm sure but it takes a long time to read through and digest what they mean and then come to terms with the - well - terms :-)

I feel relatively upbeat but have to attend Hospital tomorrow for my pre assessment and I do feel a bit worried about what they are going to find in at the end of next week. I suppose I should just accept what will be will be but in fairness, it does play on your mind - it's bound to. I know that they wont whip my bladder out next week but you know in the back of your mind that it is a possibility if the recurrence carries on. I imagine that they may well have to BCG again if that is the case. My friend is on the "old" regime and has been on BCG for more years than he cares to remember too. He recently had a "red area" recurrence so back to the beginning again for him.

The one thing I know is that I trust my Consultant to let me know what to do for the best for me so I suppose I just have to wait and see what the results are. Tomorrow is the 4th Anniversary of me going to see my General Practitioner and being informed that he thought it was most probably Cancer - he has a way with words....

Oh well - it is almost exercise time again - I'd better go and get on with that and get it out of the way :-)

Well that wasn't so bad

I did 30 minutes on my cross trainer and racked up the furthest I've travelled before so that was pretty good.  I am getting closer to the 8kM mark in 30 minutes and like Steve K in the USA, I think that exercise is the spawn of the Devil but it appears we must do some to assist with all the other things we do to fight off further attacks of Bladder Cancer.  Still 7.4 kilometres is about 4.6 miles and 8 would let me hit the 5 miles in 30 minutes target.

Unlike Steve I do feel a benefit and can actually feel it is doing me some good.  For distraction I stick my MP3 player on quite loud and just pound away for 30 minutes.  I do a few minutes recovery and then do some light dumbbell work for about 3 or 4 minutes and that does me.  After cooling down I check my blood pressure which is always reassuringly low and on a downward slope (which also gives me some satisfaction) and then I have a shower and have something to eat.

I was a bit worried that I'd feel tired or not up to the exercise today but in fact I'm obviously getting stronger and getting further along each time.  I wonder when I'll get to the magic 8kM?

A Flocky Compliment

He must be ill :-) He actually noticed that I had lost some weight but then I haven't seen him since the beginning of June and I'm at least 8 Lbs lighter if not more than when I last met him.

Today has been a really difficult one for me to get motivated and sorted out. I really need a kick up the backside but that probably wont help. I am tackling about 20 documents - not all at once but each impacts the other so you do one, then that may alter 2 others. When you bring them up to date you then realise that another document is in need of updating and so on.

I need to remember to go and do my exercises a little later. I'll see how good my weekend walk was at increasing my stamina and fitness overall.

Interesting Weekend

So let's look at my weight. Not always a good thing to do on a Sunday night but for what it's worth I checked and then double checked as I couldn't believe that I scaled 16 stone 6 lbs. or 230 pounds. I know that my jeans and trousers are beginning to get slack as I kept having to hoist them up and the belt has gone in a notch. I can definitely feel my stomach is tighter and I feel a lot fitter.

We had a great weekend and despite my terrible night on Thursday (could I have burnt nervous and emotional energy?) I have managed to exercise every day. On Saturday Mrs. F. and I must have walked 10 miles. We walked from Hythe to Dymchurch but not along the coast road - no we followed the Canal (built as a redoubt against Napoleon) and then cut in across country walking around some large lakes of a disused quarry and we really knew we had been on a route march. We are suitably tanned too after al those hours in the sun.

I enjoyed the weekend and as it was my birthday had a slap up meal on Friday and Saturday night and full breakfasts on 2 days but considering that we had nothing for lunch and did a lot of walks I can see that it is possible that I would not have put weight on given I have been crunching away all week and have eaten like a rabbit. It was nice being near the sea as on Saturday I had Dressed Crab followed by Moules Mariniere washed down with a nice Pinot Grigio Blush Rose. Mrs. F. had fresh Tuna which she said was the nicest she has ever tasted.

I'm impressed that some of my birthday presents include dried fruits of various types - nice one...

My Nephew has recovered - just about - from Thursday night's shenanigans. Strewth - I never want to go through that again. It makes me shudder now just thinking about it. They got paramedics out to him and it was a combination of not eating, drinking and the heat that did for him. At least he is OK and - hopefully - learnt his lesson. For me - I need to work on my "coping" skills - in the old days I would have been OK but I found myself foundering and unable to really cope. I was stuck in a small enclosed space too and for a long time and it was emotionally draining. Discussing this with my friend I've found that this is something to do with the way we are post cancer as he has the same. You find that dealing with other people's emotions and problems far more draining than you did before. It saps your energy and it doesn't take long before you have nothing left in your tank to give. It's not that I don't care it is just that my ability to do so has been greatly diminished and I find that it upsets me too - I can no longer stay impartial and the great arbiter I used to be. I still find it inexplicable that something can still pull such strong reactions and emotions out of me or that they can drain me so quickly.

I am set for a hard week of grinding out business documents. I hope it coos down a bit in the house too. On Wednesday I have my pre-assessment and in the evening the last Lodge meeting of the season. We pack up and have a few months of for the summer. On Friday week I have my operation (my 9th in 4 years) and hope to find the results shortly after that. I will have to work out what alternatives to exercise I can have. Some years ago now I exercised too early and started bleeding - I was told to take it easy (obviously) and I imagine I will have to think of about 2 weeks break. In that time I may try and do some walking I think.

4th Anniversary and a Frightening Moment

Last night I was out and met my Nephew.  I'd never really understood what it was like for people on the other side of my illness and he was very good and told me about everyone's fears and concerns.  We discussed loads of things and then suddenly he started acting - well - a bit strangely.  I ordered some food in case he hadn't eaten before he turned up to the wine bar but shortly after that it all kicked off.

I'll not go into too much detail but I managed to get him to the toilets where he stayed for a good 1 to 1 1/2 hours as I got water in and out and tried to work out what to do with him as he was coming in and out of conciousness and so I was keeping him awake and sticking water down his throat which promptly didn't stay there for long.

I grabbed his phone and managed to call his girlfriend and get their address in London.  I spoke to my wife to get her to do a bit pf phoning and then the really frightening thing happened.  I lost it, all of a sudden I just burst into tears on the phone and Mrs. F. said something soothing like "you're not going to help him like that" and it was over, I snapped back and said "NO, I've got this under control, I'm going to sort it out".  I was the only person who was interested or helping and so it was down to me.  I eventually got is address, half stabilised him, got a taxi driver and stuck him in a cab and let his girlfriend know.  

I went back to the wine bar, drank my wine, tipped the wine waiter who did help me get a taxi and gave me a bottle of water to give to the taxi driver to give to him if he was ill further or needed it.  I then got a very late train home and walked back here.  I was close to tears all the way, I can't exactly work out whether it was shock - it all happened so quickly and was actually quite frightening - or just the way I am these days - I would never have been like this before BC or something else at play.  I just found it all really distressing, really frightening and I'm emotionally drained this morning.

Today happens to be the 4th Anniversary of the first real signs that there was something wrong with me.   I'd driven to Yorkshire and on arriving went to the toilet only to emit a stream of red urine.  It really is stuff from a horror movie when you see it and it totally freaks you out.  Maybe it was that yesterday (as we discussed it) or maybe it was also that I realised that it wasn't just me who was petrified by what I had, everyone else around me had to deal with it too.

On a lighter note.  My business partner's cancer is also 4 years ago in a couple of weeks.  He and I had no idea about the other's condition until later in the July of that year.  After that we started to meet up and compare notes and feelings.  I have to say that 4 years ago, I would never have dreamt that he and I would be attempting to start a new business enterprise.  We are both really happy we have got to 4 years post diagnosis.  His magic number is 5 so this time next year he should be able to say it is beaten for him.  For me?  Well Bladder Cancer is different - controllable but it does like to come back every now and then.  Let's hope that isn't the case in a few weeks time.

As for my Nephew - it appears that he got home and was still in and out so the paramedics checked him over.  He had just drank too much.  I have to say - I didn't see him or appear that he was drinking too much but there you go - very hot weather we are having and if he didn't eat anything or maybe it was just his light frame but anyway - let's hope he just has the hangover from hell today.........  And never does it again.

No Pressure Then?

well - very little. My Blood Pressure readings have crashed these past few weeks. I'm amazed at the improvement - today I'm down to 127 over 74 which is a huge crash down from 155 over 110 just 3 weeks ago when I did my baseline measure.

This exercise malarkey is good for you - even though it sucks. I've seen a daily improvement and the graph looks like the slope on a championship skiing downhill!! Brilliant.

I'm laying off the exercise for tomorrow as I am going up to town and so won't have time. Friday Mrs. F. is taking me away for the weekend and there should be plenty of sea and sun and walking involved.

Life's good and my business partner was over earlier today as we were going through some of our plans. It seems to be going great so far. long may everything continue like that.

One week today is my pre-assessment. Two weeks on Friday is my operation. As I write that my left hand starts to twinge knowing it will get a cannula shoved up it and the bruising that causes. Oh well, it is all in a good cause I suppose.

I'm off for a shower now having completed my exercises and then will prepare yet another salad and perhaps fish tonight - maybe Pilchards. Flocky Bicep is horrified and things I may have "turned" :-) I'm surprised how good I can make a salad taste with all the ingredients I can bring to bear.

Blimey

That burst work I was doing over the last couple of days and today's exercise surprised the life out of me.  I knew today I was burning up a lot faster than normal and did an extra kM in 30 minutes - not bad considering the resistance of the thing.  Measure my BP and it was way down, probably the lowest I've ever seen it.  I waited 10 minutes in case it was an anomaly but no there it was. way below my usual so I'm pretty pleased with that.  If I can keep that going it will be good.  

L has given me some hand dumbbells to use and I did 5 minutes with those after my 30 minutes on the machine.  They made my arms wobble I can tell you especially holding out my arms away from my body.

Anyway, exercise really does appear to work - now to see if I can actually burn off some weight too.