A good afternoon

I hope - off to the Lodge. I'm Treasurer and I also get to do a bit of work today - that is presenting a Grand Lodge Certificate to one of my candidates. That will be great. I hope that I remember what I have to say and that I can read my crib notes too.

It is an old friend's 50th year in Freemasonry so he also gets a special recognisition certificate today it should be a nice pleasant afternoon and evening. It is our last meeting of the year.

Life's pretty good and I should get my tooth finally fixed on Tuesday. That will be interesting. It wasn't as bad as I thought - but I still have Tuesday morning to go.

This new computer keeps disconnecting itself from the home network which is such a pain, I've managed to get it to work occasionally but it just isn't playing nicely....

I haven't heard when I am due in for a scope, I hope they give us good notice as there is so much going on these coming weeks. Life's good - that's important.

I will be glad to see the back of this week

For no other reason than it has been one of those weeks that has just been hard work. It doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere and yet I know, deep down, that we have made massive progress this week it has just been like wading through clawing mud to get there.

I really cannot wait until the web site is up and running and when I will be able to let everyone know about it because that is when things will start to accelerate. Indeed it has been a bit of a "Phoney War" in terms of what we are doing generally as we don't appear to be doing anything. However, I am sure that will all change soon.

I was thinking of how well I feel and that's good stuff really, I do feel good still but the one thing I have let go is exercising. It must have been 4 weeks now and I'm certain that if I got back to doing that the weight would just fall off me as I am still losing weight gradually and fit into my shirts and suits again now which is a great relief I can tell you.

Perhaps when we get through this hard section of work I can recommence.

Bumpy days

Only bumpy because we are trying to get to a final point in the web site to get it finished and published. The creative process is quite bumpy and start / stop by its very nature it has to be I suppose. It isn't like good old logical project management where things get a tick or a cross a 1 or a 0 whether they are done or not!

So we have been looking over and over at out web site and its layout, the images and the way spacing is used etc. It is hard work and of course the more you look the less you like it so it is nice to get some outside opinions. We have really bootstrapped the web site but it does look slick even though it isn't for our final audience yet it looks as if it is.

Everything has just taken an age today down to silly things like getting an image to go on the site has taken me a couple of hours.

It is blowing a gale outside and at the crack of dawn this morning, some tree feller types came in and started hacking down next door's Yew tree. All very well but it couldn't have been much past 7:30 and so there was all that noise of chain saws and pulping machines outside the house until about 10:30. The gales look to be increasing and we had what looked like a baby twister out here a few minutes ago, a squall cam and picked up all the leaves on the road and dumped them against the windows and front of the house.

It looks as if it has calmed down again for a short while and the rain has stopped. All in all it has been a miserable, windy, wet and a dreary day and the work hasn't been much better either.

A nice evening out

And the last until Saturday. It was a small, friendly evening with some very nice people and we made the very best of it and filled in for missing officers and just got on and had a good time. That's what it is all about really and so tonight went really fast and I was home by around 10:15 so that too was good.

Today was a good day as we looked back over the past months, looked at the website and realised how far we had come in 5 months since our Boot Camp in June. Goodness, I've had an operation and good news since then and wasn't particularly great come June if I remember.

No problems. We are close to our major goals - those of having web site and sales messages in place. I've got 3 potential backers to talk to - after I've got the web posted and we are about to break cover after all these years, working in the background. It will be quite exciting. I've managed to start to change profiles and set up links but that is a tiny bit premature as I don't expect the web site to be up until the 19th November at the earliest.

We are a couple of months behind but, nil desperadoes, we shall just get on and tackle the next piece in the same methodical manner - it cannot be rushed.

I'm feeling relatively OK but concious that I am beginning to run out of steam a bit having done about 4 or 5 weeks full on. I am trying to get the children to make up their minds about a winter holiday but no one (once again) wants to make a decision. I hope that they do soon or else we just wont have a break and that is really what we could all do with.

We got the first look at

The web site today and I've started changing my business profiles to allow the web site to link up with my profiles. The site isn't live yet, far from it, but it has a certain wow factor now that the animation is working and the words are laid out on their various pages. There is still some way to go as we actually need to go and buy the pictures which will up the quality and just check over the wording which now, seeing it on a web site, looks wrong. But that is how these things work and hence why it is in test mode and hidden.

I'm off out tonight to a Lodge meeting, just as a visitor, which will be nice as I don't need to do too much, just turn up, stay awake and enjoy myself.

It's only Wednesday - it feels as if I have done a full week or work already. By the end of the week I will be exhausted! It all kicks off this weekend as it looks as if I only have one weekend free from now until Christmas! Crazy.

Life's good, my tooth appears to be fine, no real pain as such which is good, still slightly numb but probably to be expected after such serious work. I guess I'll be called in for a scope next month or January but I don't have a date as of yet.

A night out with friends

A great night out and as usual we had a good time but slightly tinged with sadness that one of our number had suffered a bereavement. It is the second time this year that he has had to deal with this and we sort of agreed that we are "or the age" where this is bound to be a common occurrence amongst our parents and even some of our older friends.

It is doubly sad because KP, who has an awful lot to do with me starting blogging in the first place, has had his own bad luck in terms of losing his job and retraining to find that the retrained jobs didn't exist and finally he has got himself a job in the Charity Sector which is just great. The Third Sector doesn't pay huge money but the work is infinitely more satisfying and re-builds your confidence, I know it did in my case and I am very grateful for it. I am though a tiny bit concerned over my confidence levels about what I am doing now, I do feel extremely confident that I can do what I am doing now and I am growing into the role. I felt it tonight as I was suddenly entirely behind the new business and could (at last) actually articulate what the business was about.

I have a slight headache from the work on my teeth earlier but have decided to have a glass of Scotch in a minute to see if I can numb the pain :-)

Everything is right with the world tonight. My Daughter A has returned from my parents and both L and A have a wonderful Dolls House and all the accessories to go with them. These were my Mum's pride and joy in the old house but they cannot go into the new one. I hope that she will be pleased that the girls have one each and they will be treated with the reverential awe and respect that these wonderful pieces of craftsmanship deserve. I was amazed to see the minute detail in each of the rooms (one house even has electric lighting). Sad in one way that these things had to go but I hope that them staying in the family and being treasured by a new generation will be some sort of comfort for their loss?

I've also got a whole load of books from my Dad that can go onto my library shelves to be read later. I have so many books that I should actually have retired when I was 25 so that I could read them all :-)

Life's good tonight, I feel really charged after seeing my old school chums, they always lift my spirits and we are very comfortable with each other's company - if you know what I mean - like an old pair of slippers :-)

OK - That wasn't so bad

I have to say if I never had Root Canal work again it would be once too often. I mean it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be and I've still got some work next week to finish off. I had to have a second shot to deaden my tooth. It was just a lot of work in an awkward place so took time and wasn't straight forward. The x-rays of the other side - to be taken out showed a tooth that may be a bit difficult to get out (a Wisdom tooth) although the one next door I had extracted cam out easily enough - this one may prove difficult but that is for a few weeks time, let's get this one done.

I have to say that the dentist is very good and I don't fear going like I used to but I did find myself unusually anxious only because Root Canal has a fearsome reputation - I can imagine if you hadn't got local anaesthetic it could be awful.

Anyway, it is with some relief that I sit here drinking my tepid coffee. Out with the old school chums tonight - although one is possibly not going to be there as his Mother-in-Law is very poorly in Hospital and may not make it through the night. Terrible news. So with that shocking bit of news and my mouth making throbbing recovery I will take my leave.

15 minutes to go

And I feel quite anxious about my visit to the dentist - it was nice of Flocky Bicep to drop by earlier and that took my mind off things for a while.

I have to say it is with some trepidation that I go off to see my dentist. Finger crossed it all works out to plan.

OK That's good

Mr Angry apologised for bad behaviour last week and bought me a pint of beer to set that apology right in a bloke to bloke sort of way. I graciously accepted and we carried on without it being a problem - that IS the way to deal with such things. I could hear him chatting to a friend of mine saying that he had really rattled me but luckily my friend was on the right wave length and said that all was forgiven and a beer was the right payment! Too right, things are back to normal and on an even keel. His wife isn't at all well but there you go.

I had a long liquid lunch - it wasn't meant to be like that but it just was. I met a friend of mine who has now been out of work for 7 months at 12:30 and we managed to drink and chat for the best part of 5 1/2 hours which meant I got home way after 6 and needed to stock up on food as I hadn't eaten all day!!! SO I threw down food and then Mrs. F (Bless Her!) said did I really want dinner to which I had to reply that if I didn't I would be totally unable to function! So I had a massive supper and then went out and had a few more beers in the evening!

Home now though thank goodness.

What will you leave?

I wonder what my legacy will be? I wonder what good I may have done in my life and what difference I will have made? I say this because I read a very moving tribute to some children's grandmother. They listed all the things they remembered and liked about their late grandmother.

They were the usual little things you remember about your grandparents or your relatives. there was a nice one about sneaking out for a MacDonalds which rather amused me but that sort of mischief has to be something that sits in your memory from years back.

I imagine you make many impressions and leave many legacies in your life, you mentor others as you were probably mentored.

I often thought that you had to have made a big impact but now I see that even the smallest things have an impact and affect people's lives.

I recollect a number of occasions where something almost insignificant and perhaps shared by just a few people made a profound affect on me. I recollect the words of wisdom from people I knew in passing - the odd phrase or gesture or anecdote - and consider that those people made an impact that they probably never realised. So we all make our mark and we all leave something, somewhere. We may not realise it at the time but our words and actions, our deeds or non deeds, our helpfulness or not all have an affect on someone. All I can continue to do is continue to do what I do.

I remember saying that I thought it was too late to change the world and perhaps that may be true but because it is late it doesn't mean that you should stop trying.

Interesting call

In case said "dickhead" turns up tomorrow and rattles me, friend called and let me know the circumstances behind last Monday's silliness. I'm OK with things. I did fancy letting the guy have a little more room to explain himself this week but I will gloss over that anything happened and if he does then that will be an end to it, we all make mistakes and I probably come off the rails more than many although I have to say I tend to do that in a different way and I tend to crash and burn and just end up as some whimpering idiot to my friends.

Last week was a bit strange as I didn't get the feelings I normally did going back to work. I felt that perhaps I couldn't go back there in any other role other than the one I am in as a part time consultant. I've been invited to the Christmas party this year - I guess I ought to go but just be careful what I wish for so as not to set my expectations too high or too low. These things can be somewhat tedious.

I'd really like for some outlook on my future there. I am doing good work in supporting the team but I'd like something a bit more substantial to get my teeth into. The thing is that the work I do is valued, its just that I sometimes don't see the value of the work I do. To me the things I do that I think are normal are outside of most of their experiences and they certainly don't do problem analysis and solving the way that I do so perhaps there is a value there. I just want to make sure that they are deriving some real value from my work.

The weekend was given over to repairing my friend's laptop which is now done and to doing some accounts that I needed to catch up with. My network crashed and my printer needs sorting out which has given me a few issues trying to complete things today. I do need to do some focusing on my time management this week. I have a number of meetings, the first of my trips to the dentist and I am out three nights this week too!

I think that an early night will be useful so that I can get a good run at the week ahead.

The Business Cards

Arrived on Friday - they look the business - well, they would of course.

Today I fixed my friend's Laptop PC, his kids had managed to infect it with something that looked and acted as if it was actually helping you and yet all along it was tricking them and screwing up their PC.

I managed to start it up in isolated mode and clean it all up there were hundreds of adaware, malware and trojans on it. Clever little program - it turned off all the firewalls, virus checkers and defenders and I had to go in using safe mode to fix it. Hopefully it is all done and he can now reuse it. I've even speeded it up for him too so with a bit of luck that will keep it clean for him for a while.

If he had had to pay someone in a shop to do that it would probably have cost £180 given the amount of time I had to attend to it whilst I did the analysis and effected various cures.

I'm feeling pretty good still, I was impressed that I'd lost weight and was now able to fit into my suits and shirts again. It is amazing how much of an uplift that gives you.

I need to do some more work over the weekend on administration as I find myself busy for the rest of November and December. It is hardly believable but I only have one free weekend between now and Christmas. It means I probably wont get up to see my folks before or after they move and maybe not until the New Year. Having said that, I am getting pressure to go away for a few days around Christmas as we didn't have a real holiday this year.

I feel that it is going to be a very interesting time these next 4 to 6 weeks.

The Art of Distraction

I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted, I must not get distracted.

The level of interrupt is quite high even though I'm not in an office or really involved with anything beyond what I am doing. I do tend to deal with things immediately they arrive. That way I don't have them hanging around my head. It is clearly one of those things I've grown up with I don't like leaving things in my in-box. I'm good at deleting stuff that is noise but quite a lot of things demand my attention if only for a few minutes, like small items of research and articles and news that relate to what we are doing. These distractions and time wasters just pull on your ability to tackle work in an organised and concentrated way. I have actually moved away from the computer and have been using my flip chart more and more to get my ideas down rapidly and then I can document them later. I can still write and draw faster on a bit of paper than on a PC any day.

Here's a little victory though, I finally fit back into my 16 1/2" shirt collar shirts, so all the really nice shirts I bought about 18 months ago are once again able to be worn as are my suits etc. It is also nice to see that all my belts are in a notch. I've dipped below 16 stone and I am very slowly heading downwards, I'm about 15stone 12lbs at the moment which is rather pleasing considering I haven't been doing any exercise for the past month. I am being quite careful about what I eat but the start of the Masonic season always makes things a bit difficult as the meals feel like they are chosen by my late Grandmother who always suspected that my mother wasn't feeding me enough and so made up for it by baking huge vats of stuff for my visits :-) So you get something like a soup starter, a Steak and Kidney Pie and then that is followed by some stodgy pudding like Jam Roly Poly and Custard!! Oh and then there are Cheese and Biscuits afterwards. Too many of those and I'd soon be back where I started.

At least at home I am limiting food intake and eating sensible foods.

I just realised the big distraction this morning - writing this blog entry :-)

The Office

Not the one with Ricky Gervais but the office of the Charity where I do some work occasionally :-)

I popped in on my way to lunchtimers and met the folks, it is quite nice to catch up with them but I am so glad that I don't work there any-more. What I am doing at the moment is so engrossing and so interesting that to go back to that sort of sedentary life might just polish me off BUT - let me not underestimate how glad I was to have that bolt hole and sanctuary during my recovery. I cannot dismiss that - the money - which is and was paltry wasn't the main thing, and making a difference was important so was recovery, rebuilding "me" and whilst I'm not fully reconstructed - there is a way to go until I'm healed - it was probably the very best thing that could have happened to me at the time.

I enjoy the people of course and I like the office up to a point but if they saw the amount of work I am getting through here and what they do - it would amaze them. Tell the truth it actually amazes me too.

I was declared the Chairman of the London Lunchtimers (at lunchtime) and we had a great meeting and a friend from Denmark or Damnark as his business card said (he mistyped it!) arrived too so that was great. As often happens, I met a chap last night at the Mark meeting and he did a response to a toast speech. He happened to also be at the meeting today - that's the coincidences that you tend to find all the time. A happy time and followed by a Shriners meeting where we had a Frenchman, A Finn and an English guy join the Shrine. Very interesting but they are trying to get me in as Treasurer, Secretary and all round good guy. I am however doing enough as is it. Perhaps in a year or two.

The business is really beginning to look good but the images for the web site are giving us headaches at the moment. It is very difficult to stop people pigeon holing the business and so we are trying to be quite cute with out images. We signed up for the hosting package and soon hope to have email and the web site in place - it will be a major hurdle and at last we can "come out" and start to put ourselves about and go for funding. It is a phoney war at the moment.

Talking of war I was able to do my Chairman's moment today which is nice. I did a bit about the national charities and what they had done plus a bit about Remembrance Sunday in 2 weeks time. Here is what I said - I hope you like it:

"Chairman’s Thoughts"

"I’d like to thank Brian for telling us about Prostate Cancer – which now ranks as the highest Male Cancer above Lung Cancer and Colon Cancer.

In 2004, £1 million was donated to The Institute of Cancer Research for research into prostate and testicular cancers. Prostate cancer is now the most common cancer affecting men in the UK. Each year 27,000 cases are diagnosed and 10,000 men die of the disease. ‘The Grand Charity of Freemasons Chair of Molecular Biology’ is currently held by Professor Colin Cooper who is working on developing a test to identify the aggressiveness of an individual’s prostate cancer. If successful, thousands of patients will be spared unnecessary treatment, whilst those with an aggressive cancer can be given the life-saving treatment they require to fight the disease. Our Deputy Chairman and I were privileged to meet and hear Professor Colin Cooper talk about the progress he has made in that work. There are some major breakthroughs coming. What scared me was that up until 14 years ago – there was little if any research at all into Prostate Cancer at all. If you ever get a chance to hear him speak you will be mightily impressed.

In 2008, it was decided that a substantial grant should also be made for research into a women’s health issue and a grant of £1 million was approved for Ovarian Cancer Action. Ovarian cancer kills 12 women every day in the UK and tragically a lack of awareness of the disease and its symptoms means that women are often diagnosed only after the disease has spread to other areas of their bodies, with an impact on the opportunities for treatment. Professor Hani Gabri – a leading expert in the field – is undertaking this research at the Ovarian Cancer Action Research Centre in London. Complementing this important medical research, the grant is also being used to help Ovarian Cancer Action reach more women with information about the symptoms and potential causes of ovarian cancer, with the aim of increasing the survival rate.

One of the reasons I joined Freemasonry was a belief that it helped others less fortunate than myself. What this brings home is that the benefits of this work affect everyone in this room and our children and our grandchildren so let us not underestimate the scale and the enterprise of investing this money. As a Cancer survivor myself, I can tell you how much I appreciate what these scientists are doing to identify cancers early but not just that, this work is fundamentally about prevention in the long term which has to be a good thing.

I am reminded that it is again November and soon it will be Remembrance day. The day before we have the pomp of the Lord Mayor’s Show and the next day the sombre but respectful tribute to all those who have perished in the service of their country and in many cases their adopted country. Last meeting we remembered the few for it was 70 years since their great exploits and so today I’d like to consider the many. There are no remaining Comrades from the First World War which is perhaps 3 generations removed from today’s children but a grateful country continues to remember into the next century that war to end wars. The second World War and the wars that followed continue to take their toll on our brave service men and women and in more recent conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq, lives are lost, bodies are maimed and they will continue to do this. It is right that we should spend at least those few moments in silence remembering their sacrifice."

News of my reputation spreads far and wide

In a strange twist my exploits on Monday night have taken on a life of their own.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill

I find it funny that whilst I knew that I was pretty menacing, no one had ever seen me in my "evil, nasty, menacing but calm" way before so that's impressive. I have yet to see how I get on with him next Monday :-)

That aside, tonight was an enjoyable meeting of two of my Lodges and I'm the Chaplain and get to do some really nice readings. We had a nice meal and as it was Installation there was port and cheese and biscuits afterwards which was also very pleasant.

It was announced that I was OK at this meeting which really pleased everyone and so there were many people saying how well I looked now. I also got comments saying that I now fitted back in to my old suits - which I do which again is nice.

The amusing thing about this is whether I looked like poo before if I look all right now :-) However, the nice thing about Freemasonry is people are genuinely interested in you and thats part of the magic sauce - frankly all the talk about secrets and all of that is - as I like to say bollocks - they were written down in an expose of the craft in the 18th Century - all the words, all the signs and everything so there aren't any secrets at all. The secrets are nothing to do with the ritual, the "funny handshake" (thanks Monty Python!) and all that, the secrets are within every member. If you are interested enough you will unlock those secrets within yourself. Mind you for the rest of the world it is fun to poke fun and call us Lizard People (didn't you know that we are from another planet and it's all a big conspiracy). I always make the joke when that one is mentioned to ask whether there are many flies around today? Most people say there aren't so I just lick my tongue make a sort of gurgling noise and blink :-)

Tomorrow I become the Chairman of the London Lunchtimers Club www.lunchtimers.org and I am really looking forward to having a year in the Chair although I have already taken 3 meetings this year already as Vice Chairman.

We will host the UK Shriners who have been granted a licence from the US to set up over here and in Europe. They do great work right out there in the community of course and so it will be interesting to see what we make of them in the UK. Incredibly I actually know a number of them already! How small a world this is.

We forget how productive we are

And today was no exception as we cracked on and did a load of work to sort out company business structures and how things would hang together. We are desperate to get the web site up and running in the next week or two. It will make such a difference and our business cards should be here this week along with our domain, email addresses and all that sort of stuff.

We are quite hard on ourselves about our progress and yet, when we went through the plan and saw where we actually were, we can see that we have come a long way. I guess we are 4 to 6 weeks behind schedule and as such will have to think about when we get to start meeting people and discussing the small matter of finance.

I met a friend of mine last night who has bladder cancer and gave him my good news and his is that he is now clear again but on three shots of BCG maintenance just before Christmas. The young lad with Appendix Cancer is going to have an operation in the New Year. He could have had it sooner but it would render his Christmas over as it takes 13 hours in surgery and 3 weeks to recover apparently. I can't say I envy him that operation nor the recovery afterwards. I find three days in Hospital a bind, a couple of weeks would see me stir crazy.

And so I want to go to bed and my brain

Well that has other ideas altogether. Yes it wants to keep playing mind games and solving puzzles that I don't altogether remember setting for it. Things like how I can build a UK wide sales force, logistics channel and service offering (well you asked me...).

To give you a rough idea of the way my brain is working; today I did a competitive analysis of the businesses identified as being nearest to us, I did a massive spreadsheet of figures and came to the conclusion that I had already answered the question before I set off to do the spreadsheet which proved it. You see there has always been this problem. It started at school where I, and my parents, were warned that I always had the right answers but never showed how I got to the answer. I therefore lost points, not because the answer was wrong but because I could not demonstrate how I had arrived at my conclusion. For all of my life I have had the same problem. It sounds vain to say that I am always right for that isn't correct but generally, I can be given a complex set of variables and will be able quite quickly to give an opinion based on logic and experience. Today I guessed some figures and outcomes and was surprised (and pleased) that what I had concluded was about the same as the stats and final calcs came out at.

My brain is buzzing away at the moment about shares / equity / finance and how the business can grown in an international market. I can't stop it doing that, it is getting ready for tomorrow's meeting and running through the register of all the possible scenarios that meeting can take and all the avenues open to explore. I like the way I think sometimes but when it does this or goes into meltdown because it doesn't understand certain social situations that's when it gets silly and I'm up half the night whilst the computer between my ears does the maths!

Talk about angry

Met a guy tonight who just turned on me, all of a sudden, rattled on about how his wife may not make it through the night and Hospital talking about she was dead already.....

Bizarre moment - had him do this to me a few months back or possibly last year just go into Mr. Angry mode on me. Have to say I was taken aback but decided to give as good as but not deck him as my initial reaction was going to be. He gives me at least 20 years I guess so it wouldn't actually be fair to have thwacked him a stiff right hander. However, I do find this sort of behaviour a bit annoying and told him so. Glad my mate also gave him a "what for" as well. Perhaps I should have really opened up on him - I reckon I could reduce someone to tears if I went into the depths of the depravities of the treatment I've had. BUT - this is one lonely, smelly, guy and I kind of feel sorry for him but, offering him friendship and a bit of camaraderie you'd have thought that it would be comforting for him to know we were there but to launch a sh1t tirade at me, and I'm pretty inoffensive sort of person was a bit much. I was remarkably restrained for me, normally I'd have torn the guy a new ar*ehole but there you go.

I find it sad now, though I was pretty angry at the time. If none of my mates had been around I do think I would have just hit him quite hard for what he said to me. Lucky for him then that I managed to hold back the urge. If things are as he said and his wife isn't going to make it through the night why turn up at the bar at all???? Things don't add up sometimes do they?

So - there we are, I live to fight another day and luckily so does he.

An interesting day tomorrow as we go headlong into discussing the equity model of the business, it should make for an interesting debate if nothing else. If anything screws up a realtionship it is how much you think you bring or brought to the business. Our past collaborators had some high ideal that their effort (a few days in real terms against our years at it) was worth close to 25% of the business! It is an Elephant in the Room and at least we can address it tomorrow rather than let it fester. It is good as I wrote a positioning document to bring this out into the open about 5 weeks ago and added a caveat last week to it. The interesting thing is that only one person is concerned and that is fine but in reality I discussed this over a year ago in an open meeting and documented it but everyone's had a chance to think about it since they agreed it.

None of it matters in the long run. If we make money we all share, if we fail - as most start ups do - then it doesn't matter either. Having said all that - having the discussion now will resolve it before it gets any further so the strategy of publish and be damned has worked nicely.

I'm finding this new PC amazing, despite all my whining on the subject, at least it does what I want it to do, rather nicely and rather better than my old PC managed of late.

The underlying anger - a reprise

I find that listening to music tends to calm me down a bit especially stuff like this which you may or may not like. It is currently doing the rounds as the backing track to a rather stylish Ford advert (if that isn't an oxymoron).



So I am beginning to calm down internally but I still have this stuff rattling along in the back of my mind and its going through some quite strange stuff including how companies treat their customers - thinking back to my weekend experience and trying to cancel some insurance this morning, it's all about catching you out and making you pay for stuff you don't want - fraud would be my take. It is also pretty much the way of it that you can buy something today, stick it on your PC which some how breaks down, you try and reload it on new machine and they wont let you. Ownership in the modern world. Imagine Ford or Jaguar not letting you drive your car again after a breakdown!! Yea right....

Oh well, no time for writing this blog - off to change the world :-)

The underlying anger

I find it both useful and destructive this underlying anger that I have these days. I can't tell you what that is about as if you know me you probably realise that most of the time I'm pretty much a level headed sort of guy, old enough to have politics a little too far right for the comfort of my kids (hey that's what Dads are there for right?) and I'm a pretty funny guy, I have the most warped, off the wall, lateral, sarcastic, off beat sense of humour. I'm prone to being quite opinionated about things, I know that, it is my job to take things and drive them through as a champion so I'll argue my corner but if you have a good point to put, that's OK too. If you let me I'll take over the meeting.

I'm just as likely to be quiet and keep myself to myself and that is also the other side of me, so you wouldn't really expect this black anger as I rarely let loose on my friends and even with idiots from companies who think they can do the customer service nonsense on me, I'm normally firm but fair.

It's the seething anger that lies within me that is a little disturbing. I've only truly vented and exploded with my full Mr. Nasty 3 or 4 times in my whole life. I remember one of my friends saying to me afterwards he had never ever seen someone so angry before. I wasn't violent with it, it was just nasty, and I remember thinking afterwards, don't ever get me really nasty as I have no idea what I would be like if I lost control. Channelling the anger is one thing but the adrenalin fuelled ferocity of it was something to behold. I hardly remember what it was about but probably someone had been baiting me and I let loose and didn't repeat the same swear word twice and probably didn't draw breath for 3 minutes whilst delivering the benefit of my experience. As someone once remarked after hearing me drilling someone that they hoped I didn't kiss my children with those lips - probably because all of the bile that had been forced through them at my target.

Even these explosive moments are not a patch on the dark and brooding anger that wells up occasionally within me. I can't even tell you what it is all about, it's like the dark dog is trapped in there trying to get out and stick me back into depressive moods but not succeeding and then there is some sort of "Injustice" anger - no doubt doing the "why me" victim bit and there is something else in there about how no one "gets it" and how tangled up you are in your own survival and that no one else gave a stuff, other than cosmetically. There's the recrimination voices giving it the "if you hadn't done ........(stick in anything you like here) then you wouldn't be in this predicament" and all the voices and nags that you get are just all in there arguing together and occasionally there is this real wish to just let someone have the benefit of this broadside of anger for, at the end of it, no real reason. Someone might be acting a pratt and I'd just like to tell them they are but who am I to say it.

Funny old thing the mind - it gives me more grief than being ill ever did. It plays tricks and pokes me, it's owner like some school room bully. I find it fascinating and annoying all at the same time. It does affect me as it makes me question my actions and I give myself such a hard time over something I may have said or did, over things I have no control over even.

Tonight, I can't tell you why it is, I am just seething. It doesn't have too much to do with the hassle of the weekend and the trials and tribulations of getting this new laptop/pc working. No it wasn't that. It isn't the fact that this month is full on, it isn't even the fact that the business is about 1 month behind my plans, no it has nothing to do with any of those. So what is it? I wish I knew myself because then I could do something about it. By writing this down I have come down a huge series of notches and I think that what it boils down to is having someone to talk to about it. My "condition" has hardly if ever been discussed in the house apart from when it has been absolutely necessary, I very much doubt the "cancer" word has been spoken more than a dozen times in 4 years 4 months! Beyond the realms of feeling tired, hungry, sleepy and wide awake, I doubt it is discussed at any depth. That could be it I suppose? This blog is good for getting stuff off of your chest and out of your head. Whether its right or wrong it doesn't matter, the result at this end is always that it makes me feel better to have written and shared it than left it bottled inside.

In the course of writing this particular missive I have gone from seething anger to quiet and calm - that's the power of blogging when no one is listening.