If you don't know

You don't know - so many of my friends are really worried about me but they don't need to be. I've a fair way to go before they have to worry about me :-) If they find this little red spot is cancerous then they can treat it and I can have all sorts of things done. If those don't work then perhaps I'll have to lose the bladder. If that happens - I should still be able to live (and possibly beat my mates at drinking games too!). I'm in a happy place because I don't need to turn up at my doctors in 10 years time to find a huge lump that's metathesized into my body and will end up being really difficult to treat and may hasten my inevitable demise.

I spend quite a bit of time telling everyone that's things are going to be OK - because they will. It's the nature of the beast....

I've said it before that if you actually got to choose your cancer then Bladder Cancer isn't so bad because they keep their eye on you for the rest of your life - if they see anything they sort it out. That can't be bad at all can it?

Maybe my 5 years worth of this stuff is now paying off and I'm like those people I complained about 5 years ago who treated this like it was an everyday occurrence! I couldn't believe the matter of fact attitude then - now I "get it"

It's probably a good thing to be a little frightened about cancer - that's only natural. Those who've never had it find it difficult to understand why I'd be quite so upbeat about having to get this red spot biopsied.

Light of Day

I'm in a good place this morning. Things look fine, life's back to normal (well what we describe as normal in this house) and I'm happy that I've had a good night's sleep and that I can now rationalise where I am.

I'm now thinking about what response I need to make in relation to this news. By that I mean that my medical team are going to do an operation, take biopsies and come up with a plan what they want to do. Likewise, I need to come up with a plan about what I need to do. The trouble with Bladder Cancer is that it can recur and it can be treated but can I do anything, in myself, to stop it? I've changed my lifestyle - but have I changed it enough? Those are the questions I need to ask myself now.

My GP of a few years ago, sadly now no longer at the practice - I got on with him really well - suggested to me that I don't live like a Hermit. That lifestyle changes needed to be balanced. I had managed to flip into the most frugal diet when I should have been eating to repair myself. So I'm going to spend a little time mulling over what I am going to do to take charge of the situation myself.

It isn't as disappointing or upsetting as you may think it is - if you know this disease - you know this can happen but it isn't like when I was diagnosed when it had been growing inside me unknown about and was a major problem when the symptoms arrived. This is a small red patch that they can't identify from a scope - early doors - easy to do something about.

No, I'm OK about this. Other's are having difficulty with it - I do my best to reassure them more that I have to reassure myself.

Hiding the disappointment

I'm pretty disappointed but I'm not in a bad place at all. I'm kind of resigned to where I am but I've decided to think about why I've got a recurrence and what I should do about it.

In a way I'm a passenger but I wonder if I should get myself into a different regime once again. I will take a few days to figure things out - a good night's sleep will help and see if my head levels everything out and see what it all looks like in the morning.

Oh Dear

Mmm, well a possible recurrence - they found a small (tiny) red raised area. So I've now got to go in and get a rigid cystoscopy perhaps in a month or so. I'll just have to wait and see what it is and what they are going to do about it.

I'm a little disappointed of course but after all, this is what the check ups are meant to resolve.

So now to just relax a bit - I'm stinging a little as the doctor was poking around a little bit more than usual.

So the journey changes again and once they've worked out what it is (I think we all know what it is) then we'll know what to do about it.

Well here we are

Less than an hour away. I shaved and showered, check list is completed and my bag contains a light dressing gown, water, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, my Kindle (e-Reader) my MP3 player is plugged into earphones and in my ears keeping me breathing nicely. I have my sandals and I'm drinking coffee after a light breakfast and also a pint of water before I go - it's important to be hydrated so I had a few pints of water last night just so I'm ahead of the game today as I need to be passing water through to minimise the effects of the scope.

It's a 20 minute walk from here - but I will allow 30 minutes and take it easy. a 9:15 appointment probably means it is the first one so if I get there a few minutes early it may make things easier for them and for me.

I have enough things to read or listen to if I am delayed. I feel a little heightened and a little stressy - not surprising I suppose. It is a lovely day outside and I need to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am to be on the other side and being checked.

Not Long to go Now

Mmm,

I've been out tonight and had a couple of beers with the lads. It is the last night of Lodge of Instruction and the next one isn't until 26th September (I think). Our last Lodge meeting is Saturday and that's us done until November!

I'm pottering around at the moment, have sorted out some drink to take with me to Hospital. Will also drink a few pints of water before bed - I want to be well hydrated tomorrow so as to ensure that I can give a sample on arrival and also to make sure that I pee a lot during the day after the procedure. You need to do this to sort of get over the cystoscopy.

I'm feeling neutral at the moment, perhaps a little nervy but not as bad as I was earlier today.

I really hope for a good outcome and these days I'm not going for the negative vibes before going in. I used to do that because then I'd be ready for anything. But - who am I kidding doing that now? Sure - I will be devastated if it isn't good news but - I'll have to roll with that.

I have a lot of issues about having had cancer and that is the worry that perhaps I'll get some other form of it or this will come back and "get me". Anyway - I'll see how I get on tomorrow - I hope that I'll be fine and also hope that things will be OK again. I'm half committed to not doing any work tomorrow as a sort of reward - I'll see how I am on my return.

Not much better

I think it's OK to be on edge a bit before heading off for Judgement Day. I'm definitely distracted and my mind is wandering off a fair bit as I'm trying to work.

I've written my list of things to do ready for tomorrow. I've had another bizarre call with the GPs today. They don't know quite what the note on my prescription form was all about I need to call back tomorrow (no chance of that) or perhaps Wednesday to find out what they want! It couldn't have been mega urgent then - they thought it might be a call to come in and see the nurse or some such thing. Ho hum.

It's been another bad week - had another 2 deaths this week one an old member of the Lodge and one the wife of a deceased member. There just appears to be one after the other this month - I think it is 3 this month, 2 last month and well January was just awful!

Anyway - it looks as if I'll be fretful all the way up to the Peek and Poke tomorrow. Let's hope that works out OK and I can get my head back in gear!

Wobbly Moments

Well - it's 24 hours to Judgement Hour of Judgement Day and so it isn't surprising that some nerves will kick in. I've also to ring the GPs today and see what this strange note on my repeat prescription means. There is a note on my repeat which I got in March I suppose - that says Review Appointment to be made no later than the 22/1/2011. Even I can't make time stand on its head like that :-) Pretty impressive if they can.

We had a nice day out on Sunday at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells - a really pleasant lunchtime event and Flocky Bicep chose a really nice bottle of Red Wine which just hit the mark.

Today is one of those funny days - I can feel I am on edge and a little stressy - but not much - it's just bubbling underneath enough to notice and enough to be a little distracting.

Anyway - this time tomorrow I'll know what the results will be. I had a terrible night's sleep though - it took hours to drop off then I had the most awful dreams and feel a little exhausted this morning to add to the rest of it - I expect that it will be the same tonight.

I suppose everyone goes through this doubting, worrying phase just before. I know that it will "be what it will be" but even so, the fear and the little voice in the back of your head is of a recurrence....

Nice Day

We went over to see A's Gallery where she is an intern. She has been allowed to put her own work in the gallery and has 3 photographs. Flocky Bicep - bless him - also came along. It was opening day and it looked quite nice. Amy's photographs look really good in a gallery situation and her web site is coming along nicely. We had to laugh at her blog site as she hadn't used a spell checker which was quite funny.

Tomorrow we are off to a lunch at a rather nice Hotel - we hope it will be an improvement on last year's lunch.

So how does that work then?

I arranged by email for my appointment to be at 10:30 on the 24th May - I didn't want the 20th as I was due out the next day and was being a bit risk averse. So I got the letter yesterday for an appointment at 09:15 on the 17th May - next Tuesday! It doesn't worry me that much and at least it will be out of the way quicker this way. I dropped them a note acknowledging the change and letting them know about my sample - normally they want 2 weeks clear to sort that out!

So this time next week I'll know the results. Cool. I'm not as worried about things as I used to be but I guess that is because I don't need to be put out for an operation to take biopsies. I'm also, in a way quite glad that they pronounce their opinion there and then rather than having to wait weeks to find out what is going on like before, you tend to get told straight away what is happening and that means no waiting and worrying. I've also got to a stage now where - it will be what it will be - there's nothing I can do at the moment (other than the usual no smoking, diet and all that good stuff) I can do about it and if it is clear it will be great - if not - well - it will be disappointing but they can do something about it.

Head Freeze

Wow - I've been doing some figure work today and my head is about to stop working :-) Loads and loads of figures to do with the population in the UK distributed by postcode and then working out market opportunity by postcode and then knocking out commission tables and all sorts of other stats. That was this afternoon - in the morning I worked on centralising the statistics for the business into a "single version of the truth".

It's all happening like crazy at the moment which I suppose is good - I need to be in about three places at once but that's not such a bad thing :-)

Off for a beer with my old school chums tonight so looking forward to that.

A quieter week

Thank goodness for a quieter week this week. Sometimes you get weeks like the last one - there were only 4 working days and I felt as if I had been going for a fortnight, got that rotten cold but mercifully it all but disappeared on Saturday. I slept it off I think. Went to see A's exhibition which was OK but I get some modern art but some of the other things you see don't make any sense whatsoever. Mind you, I have a high regard for creative people - I am creative in a way but these guys get some amazing ideas - massive lateral thinking and then they execute on that.

Our designers are just great as they can take an idea and turn it into images and words that I'd not think about for ages.

My business partner is due over this morning and we can set our week up as we need to press on and make some serious progress.

I note I'm not concentrating much on the blog or much else these days but - that's just the way it has to be with so much going on. I did manage to get my cytology urine sample into the Hospital on Saturday rather than the due date tomorrow and so Judgement Day is 15 days away now.

Getting better

Thank goodness - I had a good night's sleep and then this morning felt a lot better. Did my Urine Cytology test and dropped that off to the Hospital, watched qualifying for F1 and then had a long sleep in the afternoon and that appears to have done me good apart from it's 00:45 and I really should be in bed!

I watched a few DVDs tonight - a couple of favourites, Fearless (Jet Li) and Memento. Both are really interesting films. Memento really screws with your head - just how I like my films.

I'm sneezing away still but at least the blocked nose is now gone.

I had a bit of a flash back to a chat I had with an old friend a few years back when we were reminiscing about how long we'd known each other and I'm guessing it was pretty soon after I was first diagnosed. I reckoned that all the grand ideas I had about changing the world were probably unfulfilled - I sort of felt like that back then - and she said that there was still time to make your mark and to change the world and that it was never too late. I recollect those words now because it's really interesting that someone mentioned to me that what we were doing was game changing, scene changing, something completely new. I hope that others too think that this is true and will come on the journey with us because if we do get it right, it will change the world but I'm aiming at making just one or two people's lives better first. It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness as the saying goes..

I hate having a cold

I really do - and I'm all blocked up and heady and now need my bed but am just so uncomfortable lying down with all this congestion. I read Jeanne's blog again tonight about her decision to stop taking treatment. That's pretty brave - she isn't commenting too much about it at the moment but to me, in a way, I can see the logic of it quite plainly. Having had a series of treatments I can only say that if I were to get them again, which is likely, I'd do it because I'm still fit and pretty healthy and whilst they shook me to my core and tested my mettle, I knew that they were highly likely to do the trick and sort me out. They did, it wasn't pleasant but if you know that it's working then you can tolerate it.

I imagine when you aren't feeling the benefit or the treatment is worse than having the disease itself you will think differently about such things. I'm certain that must be the case.

I'd better toddle off to bed and see how I am in the morning, I've already split my lip with the sneezing and made my nose bleed so goodness knows what I'll be like tomorrow. The Turkish Grand Prix is on so I will be happy to see that - we are expecting a small heatwave but also with that major storms in isolated areas so the weekend looks like it could be fun.

The country has voted to keep the status quo and the old voting system - the same one as returned Bush to the US even though he had less of the overall vote. We could have changed that but somehow the willingness wasn't there. Badly marketed if you ask me - but you didn't :-)

Business seemed to get a real kick in the pants this week - I hope to be up for doing some work this weekend to record all the things I managed to do this week.

Make of it what you will

A post from Jeanne HERE starts my morning off thinking about what it takes to make this sort of decision. I have no problem with the decision made. I've heard about it and thought about it but wondered how I'd make that decision.

You can understand it if you were always having treatment and always having stuff stuck into you and forever in and out of hospital and always having some sort of trouble. After a while there has to be a point when you want to stop the world spinning as you want to get off.

As I said, it isn't a matter of debate, it's a matter of fact and a brave thing to do but also, you can see a point where you come to that decision. I imagine as you arrive there is a double edged sword, you feel suddenly at peace and at the same time it allows a level of closure, composure and order to be brought into what is left of your life.

Is it a cold?

I feel like poo - have felt bad since late last night and couldn't work out what it is - I bet someone gave me this cold on the train or tube! Bugger it, I'm sneezing away and have a sore throat and had to carry much of that through the meeting today! It was a pleasant affair but where did the rain come from? We were meant to have another sunny day and when I got to London it was tipping it down!

It is A's Exhibition - starting tomorrow and she has also just launched her web site which looks quite good so far. She is beginning to put some of her work on there as an online portfolio. She has her Exhibition work up there already. I can see that she will be busy building her brand and making it a good portfolio site. Her exhibition runs for the next three days so we plan to go along on Sunday to see it and lend our support. She tells me that she should be OK to pass to year 3 of her course as she hasn't had any bad news about this project and exhibition so that probably means that things are on course to be good for her.

L goes off tomorrow to Cambridge to see a Uni there and have a look around. Bless her, she cannot get into teaching, they have thousands of candidates for very few places but it appears that her favourites subject being maths there are courses that can combine her business and maths. Whilst she is up there she will be seeing her boyfriend too - interesting!

I can get back to doing some work tomorrow - I seem to have been out every day this week but not to have achieved a great deal!

May the Force

Be with you or as it is May the 4th, May the 4th be with you.......

OK a cheap shot but you deserve it :-)

So Awareness day - great here it is http://www.bcan.org/take-action/awareness/ and great it is a US thing. Well actually - as I told them years ago - Bladder Cancer doesn't just thwack US citizens - it's world wide! Yep, it is!

So just maybe one day we'll work out that the bigger picture is the one to look at.

I still like the Tee-Shirt "F**k Advocacy - find a cure!!!"

Anyway - every little helps I suppose.

Judgement Day is now

24th May at 10:30 which is good - gets it out of the way - I was going to go for the 20th but I have a meeting the next day and wanted to make sure I could go just in case something happened.

They are pretty good at getting back to me and giving me flexibility of dates. Will have to see how it goes this time and let's hope that it is a clear and lets me move to a six month routine...

Glad it is sorted though - I should have had it done by now.

So - What a Day

What a long old day that was - home at 09:30 pm thanks to Mrs. F. who came and picked me up.

Missed out on lunch so ended up grabbing a burger at the Hotel - which was pricey but I needed something. I walked from Charing Cross to Holborn and then from Holborn to Baker Street and did a little circuit around Marylebone where I used to work. Then we had a good couple of hours meeting and I wound my way home - very good meeting and another early tomorrow. This week is going to be full on in terms of work and play being out again all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.

I'm feeling OK about that and I also need to get back to working on my weight again which with this sedentary lifestyle has started to come on again. Not sure how far I walked today but I'd guess around 5 miles including the walk to the station at this end. It was a lovely day though and walking through London and around some of the back streets of the the West End is a very pleasant way to spend the day.

I've just dropped a reminder off to the Hospital to see when they want to see me for a peek and a poke. It's strange - I don't look forward to it but at the same time - getting the reassurance or not as the case maybe is also important as I tend to think any ailment I have these days is potentially cancer. That's a bit of the territory I guess.

I'm feeling charged though right now - really exciting times, people are talking to us now about what we are doing and we are getting some impetus and some traction. We have a team being built which is good and we need to move things on a bit in the next few weeks. I feel a blitz like state coming on for a month or two to get us shifting along.

Emotions

I have often mentioned that the one highly notable result of having had cancer is this propensity to have highly emotional reactions to a number of situations. I find myself keeping in check a lot. For an example, I've cited the Bambi moment before as bringing me close to breaking down and stupid things seem to do this to me but here are two moments, quite far apart where I had to try hard to control myself.

The film "The Passion of the Christ" I watched for the first time last week - it was the most devastating portrayal of the Passion I have ever seen and stirred huge emotions. If you've seen it, then you probably felt the same? The scourging was absolutely awful and for once - and I don't know how he did it, it felt like you were not watching but you were sharing the pain. It was late a night I was on my own, I was moved and I was in bits. Films do this to me if I am into them and I think it was very much the shock of this film. However, I can be like this with Amelie, Schindler's List and many other films. So what you may say?

Then there's stuff like the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch it as I found myself moved by that too. It wasn't just the ceremony it was the people who were out in force and it was because they were engaged in something special, it was a moving time for them and special.

And here's the problem - it's about the experience, the moment and the enjoyment, its about the tragedy and the moment, and the time and the humanity of it and its about something I no longer have but have great empathy with. I came so close to losing it all that seeing others less fortunate than myself or losing upsets me, seeing a recurrence is also a set back, seeing people enjoy themselves and enjoy a moment, share an experience is also important as what is survival all about if not that.

Then there's the potential that surviving isn't all about what you thought it might be but life being precious is.

I'll stop there - I need to as it isn't making logic or sense but then, I've found out that this the way of it, it's the way it is and I have to live with it for now.