Funny sort of day that turned out to be

The tiles hadn't set completely but I didn't notice until quite late on.  We got the bath in and found the wall to be a little out (nothing unusual there then).  Carved a bit out of the wall, set the bath up and then realised that we couldn't finish installing it as the plaster was still damp - damnation.  So my brother in law is back tomorrow and we will install the bath then and hopefully he will help me with the sink and WC too.  Bargain.  That meant we could get over to sister in laws and that meant free beer for me which was nice :-)

Have just been on-line and in my halting Italian and using Google translate, have managed to book tickets for the Monza Grand Prix.  For a few extra Euros (15 in fact) we have passes for all three days - how cool is that - it means we could go for first and second practice on the Friday if we wanted to.

I'm really quite charged about it now and I'm just looking forward to getting going and spending some time away and perhaps beginning to consider that I ought to be doing some more "me time" stuff.

Cysto coming up on Friday - sort of hoping that it is good news once again - whatever it is, Monza will be only a few days away after that - how exciting.

Calm before the storm

So to speak, today sees the bathroom start to take shape.  It will be interesting to see if the preparation work I did will bear fruit as all I really need to do is to bring in the new equipment, make some woodwork and plumbing adjustments and the bathroom should take shape.  Famous last words I know but that's what I'm hoping for.  Not sure when I can do the tiling though for the shower.  I want to do that quickly but the plaster isn't fully dried yet.  Timing is everything on that.

My Cystoscope on Friday this week so hope that goes well.  It came sneaking up on me but that's good.  At 9 am it is also good as it gets it out of the way fast for me, just what I need.

Wow - Diamond Tile Cutter - what a beauty

I don't normally get enthusiastic about tools - I mean they do the job they are meant to.  But I'm really pleased with two things I bought - a circular saw which has enabled me to do the flooring (wood) and a diamond tile cutter which I used today to put down these huge tiles Mrs. F. has chosen.  What a great tool and amazing how quickly it cuts the tiles.  I was so pleased with myself as I didn't have any broken tiles at all and all my cuts were bang on the measurements I wanted.  How cool is that.

I want the floor adhesive to set now so I can get in to the room and look.  I have to say that it looks great already.  tomorrow I have one more tile to install and then can install the bath.  the one tile is an afterthought as I was wondering how to finish off an area and had a eureka moment on that!

I really hope I can get the bath in, levelled and fixed solid so that we can at least have a bath.  Of course there is the small matter of putting the door back on but I have a cunning and devious plan for that and my Brother-in-law is around tomorrow who is a carpenter so I hope I can use his assistance to install the bath and fit the door.  That will be cool :-)

Feel like an old man  - not in the biblical sense :-) with all these aches and pains!

Roll on tomorrow when it will start to begin to look like a bathroom again.  

Oh my what a day

We started decking out the floor but managed to have all sorts of problems with that, especially as I hadn't remembered the Soil Pipe was sticking out of the wall which made getting the first complicated piece difficult to fit.  Then my electric screwdriver decided that it didn't like screwing in around 200 screws into the floor, so I had to revert to my pump driver.  So things didn't go quite as planned but the new light is installed, the floor is in and primed ready for tiling tomorrow.  The walls are drying out nicely and I'll give the floor tiles a go tomorrow.  Luckily they are quite large so I don't suppose it will take a long time but drying out may take a while.

I'm a day behind which is annoying but can't be helped I suppose.  I really could do with sorting this out this week so that at least we can have a bath even if I can't sort out the shower by the end of the week.

My new memoflex glasses have arrived which replaced my nice pair of reading glasses I broke when letting the plasterer in last week!  These look to be pretty good as they are flexible and shouldn't break easily (famous last words).

Need to watch out tonight for cramps - got two nasty seizures last night along with a series of small twinges and also this evening got a few too.  

Nice place to be

My Dad's ashes were scattered in the garden of the Crematorium today.  He absolutely loved gardening and this quite new garden is a suitable resting place for him.  It was funny as he always said we should stick him on the Roses in the garden :-)

Well, he's actually under the Roses, bless him.  He would have thought that was funny :-)

Eat my dust

Dust absolutely everywhere and of course, it just goes with the territory when the whole room needs plastering and re-doing.

My mum and brother are spreading dad's ashes this morning.  I suggested that they might like to do this without me as it is a long way to go to empty the urn onto the roses.  Additionally, it is a bank holiday weekend and traffic will be pretty heavy with people taking the opportunity to head off for a long weekend, to the various festivals etc.   I'm sure that mum and T will find a suitable place for dad to be.  He loved gardening and I'm sure that the lovely gardens at the crematorium will be just fine.  I wore dad's watch last night, I tend to "wear it out" on special occasions.  I have a picture of him by my desk now just to remember him today.

I actually feel a little cut up about it writing this but in many ways it is a bit of closure.  More so I think for my mum and brother than for me.  I said my goodbye at the service and I'm building away from there.  It is strange but I'm more affected by it now than I was then but I should of course realise this would be so if I just look at my Kubler Ross diagram and remember what is like to come to terms with losing someone.  

I was somewhat annoyed to read in today's papers about Lance Armstrong, someone who's web site I have visited frequently.  He has decided not to contest yet even more allegations brought by some US doping (and I use that word advisedly) agency.  This despite the man never having tested positive for much more than the occasional pain killer.  Seven times Tour de France champion and they are tested every day and he'd probably be the most tested athlete of them all.  Despite that, they will attempt to strip him of his titles.  We used to have problems like that in Europe.  Luckily they no longer exist, they were Hitler, Mussolini and The Spanish Inquisition.  It's like us going back and stripping Muhammed Ali of his World Boxing titles.  You'd have thought that the US would have learnt through things like Joseph McCarthy but obviously not.  I have no idea why we do this in the West.  You get great people, role models, build them up, the press heap praise on them, we give them plaudits and honours and then someone comes along and pulls the whole things down.  Surely there are other things to worry about rather than pursuing someone again and again.  It's like me stating black is white all the time until eventually someone actually agrees with me.

Plaster Dust

Nothing quite like it for getting absolutely everywhere.  Even with the doors locked it leaves a thin film of dust everywhere, computers, TVs, your body (not so funny when you haven't got a bath or a shower!  Boy am I looking forward to getting that fixed into the house :-)

I am off out tonight for a curry.  For the princely sum of £10 our local centre is doing a curry night and there are around 10 of us joining 20 or so others for an evening of beer, curry and humour :-)  I shall have to rise to the occasion and be on my best form to entertain the troops tonight.

Plans continue for the Italian Grand Prix and the first venue Hotel is booked.  that's good, we just need to sort out Milan now!  Apparently the transport to and from the circuit is pretty good as they run trains between Milan and the circuit so that sounds cool.  We aren't in a rush so that too is good and can perhaps take in the atmosphere and some beers at the same time.  I am really beginning to look forward to it now, it has been so long since I've been to F1.

The room is looking a lot better now - the walls are covered in plaster and the ceiling is nicely done.  The wall I can see clearest is nearing completion and that's great.  It will need to dry out a bit of course and then be treated but that's fine as I'll be starting on the floor first and only go up to the walls a little later over the weekend.  I hope the walls will be strong enough to take these enormous tiles that Mrs. F. has purchased :-) it is amazing the weight you put on the structure of your house, especially things like tiles and of course the water in a bath - incredible weight.

Right to die?

This case has once more raised the debate about assisted dying (suicide if you like) for terminally ill patients and I don't intend to take up the argument or set out the rights and wrongs. I remember looking at my dad and saying goodnight to him as he lay pretty much helpless in his bed in hospital certain in the knowledge that he hated that.  He couldn't get up, he couldn't do anything much for himself.  He had some movement in his arms and could do small things like turn a newspaper and drink and eat but he could not move himself.  As I drove home I remember my mum and I saying that it would be better for him that he didn't wake up and that everything would be over and done with as much for him as for us too.  No one wants to see this happen to their loved one.

But I also thought that neither could I be the one that would help him shuffle of this mortal coil.  I'm afraid this bit gets a bit dark and a bit deep.  I knew that I couldn't put a pillow over him or "hurt" him that way even though it would end what must have been to him a sort of realisation that things weren't going to get any better and everything was sliding away.  I think, if it was an animal, perhaps I would have been able to do something - perhaps with a gun or something which detached me from the deed.  There's something deep inside that pulls you up a long way short of this sort of behaviour and I would have been unable to pull the trigger, administer the poison, cut off their air.  I'm not sure I want to go much further as I feel quite bad writing this but there is a trigger point that you just don't go beyond, there's a line of "acceptable behaviour" whether that's learnt or inherent I don't know but there you go.  I couldn't do it or have it on my conscience.  In the case above, you can see why the  test case was brought and you can see why it was refused. It is a difficult area of the law and of our inherent morality.

I'm not sure if I could deliver the coup de grace but perhaps assist someone to take them to the Dignity Clinic or perhaps some other action like that shows humanity but to actually assist or to take the life of someone surely isn't right?

Anyway - it isn't a debate to be had but it is a thing to think about.  How we deal with these things makes me think hard about those days where I wished something could be done but would never have been "Brave" enough to have done it.  Maybe I would be happier having someone else do it?  Messes with your head doesn't it?

Just added this which follows on a bit from the above.  

Which got me to thinking

There was a documentary tonight about Melody Gardot and I have to confess that whilst I have heard one or two of her songs I never knew who they were by.  Neither did I know about her accident and her recovery but it was an interesting 15 minutes where I pieced together some of what was said.

What was interesting was that her accident was a turning point but one that she had moved away from.  It was a reference point and whilst it may have affected her direction etc. she didn't live in the past but had that moment in time there.

So what?  Well it just got me thinking about that point in time, that reference point in myself.  Things sure changed whenever it was now - 6 years ago or was it 7 (this is good I should be letting go of the numbers after 5!).  But did they really start changing before then, is there a point in time when it all changed was there just that terrible day when the symptoms presented themselves?  Could it have been the diagnosis or the operation or the subsequent operation that really eradicated it?  Is it important?  Did things change for the better or for the worse?  Does survival mean a complete change in direction?   I'm blowed if I've got any of the answers for you but it starts a conversation in my mind about where you go from here.  I'm getting to a different place recently, one that kind of takes me away from lots of comfortable stuff, challenges what I do now and what I want to do in the future.

Melody appeared to be a real artist more painter or poet than musician, she painted words and I will have to explore her music some more as it sounded just wonderful.  I have to admit that whilst I love music, I haven't spent a lot of time pursuing that these past years and yet it meant a lot to me.  I have feelings that I gave many things up in the name of being ill.  I'd rather not do something than do it and whilst I don't like crowds and that sort of thing, I really haven't gotten to many concerts or been to the theatre or other things.  I've shunned the Olympics and the Paralympics (although the family are going) because of the crowds but I've made my mind up to go to Monza and see the F1 there and I know there are going to be lots of people there.  I'm sort of OK with that as I will have someone there that I know and that will be OK.

So thinking time once again as I continue with this long process of reassessment, testing and measuring the water since being ill and finding that there is little that I enjoy doing and yet would re-engaging with the things I used to enjoy be a bad thing?  Perhaps not, maybe I should re-discover them, I never know, I might actually enjoy them. 

A little more work than envisaged

The plasterer stuck his head around the door and said I ought to come and look at the ceiling as there was a problem. Indeed there was a deflection of about 2 inches at the centre and about an inch all around showed that the ceiling had indeed, after 70 or more years service, finally had its day.  This was unexpected and he had to take the old ceiling down and replace it. I assisted getting the sheets up and doing the electrics.  It  was some job but the new ceiling isn't going anywhere fast that's for sure!

I need to cut in the new lighting point and re cable the pull cord but other than that it does look to be taking shape but the problem is that this has added a whole day to the schedule and it couldn't have been foreseen.  

So extra expense but also the ceiling and the other areas he has done look great.  He is a superb craftsman and does a lovely job of plastering.  It means that I can't start the flooring until Saturday and so probably the earliest I can get the bath in is Sunday if I manage to get the rest of the stuff sorted.  As it is a bank holiday weekend I will have plenty of time and Mrs. F. who is a dab hand at DIY too will be able to assist me.  

Let's hope that we can get this thing sorted soon as even I've begun to notice how awkward it is having lots of people around with just a downstairs cloakroom and the utility sink to work with! 

Curry night Thursday night so I am looking forward to a night out with Flocky Bicep and the lads.       I fancy a few beers and a bit of fun and laughter.  Mind you, not too much as I will need to be here to let the plasterer in again on Friday morning at the crack of sparrows.

Early Start

The plasterer duly arrived early at 7:45 which was great as the work has started and we can get cracking once he is done.  I don't ache quite as bad as I did last night but still find bending down a bit difficult.  Note to self:  more exercise is required as well as diet and getting back into trim.  Silly really I have all the opportunity but have just been full of inaction really since dad got taken ill.  I need to re-focus my efforts and that's the next thing after the bathroom and after my scope next week.

I have to say that the good thing about the bathroom is that it is holding my attention and keeping me busy.  I've decided though not to go back into the Electrical or Plumbing business as I really can't hack it any more :-)  Decorating, well there's a thought.  Perhaps Odd Jobbing but would there be any jobs that were odd enough for me?

Anyway, plastering under way which is the main thing.  as usual, I got downstairs to find total carnage where various girls and their boyfriends have left shoes, handbags and clutter right in the way of the plasterer.  Luckily I managed (even with my back) to just dump it all out of the way so the plasterer could get up and down the stairs and get the water up from downstairs too.

So an early start to the day - I'm sort of searching around for something useful to do but can't really get going until after he has finished!  

Oh gee do I ache

Wow - I haven't done that sort of physical work for many years and my back, legs and arms ache like hell tonight.  Have to say that I knew it would come like that but ouch getting up and down is a real problem - hopefully tomorrow it will settle down when the plasterer is here.  Typically no one is around Thursday afternoon when I want them to be to house sit whilst I go out so that's my trip to the Hospital scuppered and going out for my Curry will get interesting too.  I was hoping to get to the Hospital and then onto the pub in good time but will just have to take it as it comes I suppose.  What a nuisance!

Everywhere is covered with a fine layer of dust as we had to scrape the loose paint off the walls etc to allow the plasterer to work.  I need to be up early so best dash off.  I will sleep well tonight once I work out how to lower myself into bed without it hurting.

All ready for the plasterer

My goodness those last set of tiles were on like bullets and I eventually got them off bringing the old render and a bit of breeze block with me :-)

Mrs. F. is just vacuuming up the mess and the dust and bits so that the plasterer has a reasonably dust free environment to work in.  I've secured the electrics and the water and everything is now ready for him to make an early start.  I've even taken off the door to allow him to get to all the walls without messing around.  The walls are a right mess though and so hopefully he will be able to make them nice and smooth for me ready to install the flooring and then the bath and other bits afterwards.  It is a bank holiday weekend so we should be able to get a good run at installing everything and getting at least the basic functions sorted.

I'm covered in dust and bits of flaked paint and my hands are sore from hammering and the occasional graunch of hammer against knuckle - even with gloves on, there's some impressive wounds.... :-)

A day or two off whilst the plasterer does his thing than back to it on Friday morning.

Aches in Places I didn't know I had

Got the call this morning that my plasterer can come and do the bathroom on Wednesday - which meant I had to start work today dismantling the old bathroom.  Many things were sent to try me.  The crap installation by previous chap, the stop cock that wouldn't turn off even with a 2Lb persuader and a proper stop cock gizmo twisty thingy (that's the technical term of course).  Then the bath must have been installed by a midget as I couldn't get to the back taps on it at all!  Eventually had to disassemble from the front back and then found the reason we've had all these leaks for years - the gasket under the taps wasn't there and had been pugged up with some sort of paste.  The pipes were green where the water has been escaping and the wood was rotten.  

I managed to do all of it myself and luckily Mrs. F. is off tomorrow and can help me down with what remains of the bath after I smashed it trying to get it out :-)  The tiles have been put on with something a thousand times stronger than super glue and I had the awful job of having to free the air locks with some garden hose and a lot of wind power, blowing up the taps to get rid of the air lock caused where I've had to cap off the services.  Can you believe that they hadn't even done that simple little step!  Mrs. F. also stepped in getting an isolating valve on the way home which allowed me to solve the final problem I hit and get the water on to downstairs.  We are now washing in the utility room sink which is a bit of a laugh I suppose.  Hairdresser tomorrow so can wash hair in sink and then get on ready for the plasterer on Wednesday.  He will take 2 days which means I can work on the floor on Friday and Saturday and Mrs. F can help me locate the bath on Sunday and we can work away from there.  I have to say that I ache in all sorts of places.  My arms were in spasm earlier as I tried to get some of these tiles off the wall.  Luckily most came off fine above 3 foot off the floor as they were cemented onto gloss paint.  The ones below are directly onto the render and so have variable depths of cement right back to the brick work in some places.

It was a hot and sticky day too so I probably lost a good few pounds in the process - a good thing as I've been gaining a little too much these past few weeks.  Preparation for the Italian Grand Prix is under way and the flights are booked.   I'm excited just thinking about it and it will be nice to go back to Milan and look around again.  We actually fly to Bologna which I've passed through on the train.  I am told it is very nice.  Any how - must get some sleep and hope I don't seize up in the morning!

Direction and Confidence

If you know me you'll know that I'm a pretty confident sort of person normally and I'm known to be  self-assured and know where I'm going and what I want to achieve and where I want to get to.  Well that is until about May of this year and in the 2 or 3 months I've been working out what to do with myself I'm not getting any closer to the reality.

Of course, dad dying was a big impact on my time and my thoughts and perhaps more so now as I reflect on that and also knowing that my dad was a healthy guy and I'm 6 years out on Cancer.  Stuff that happened around that time doesn't cut the mustard and going back to see my old company was like going back to an old favourite seaside town and finding it a big disappointment as it just never is like you remember and dream it was.   It was the time and the moment and you can't recapture that.  I look back to the exciting years building a business in London around the time when the communication and computerisation was really taking off and realise that it was a moment in time, exciting, crazy and in all probability was what resulted in my diagnosis.

I'm working my way through a business idea and doing some research into it.  I was about to do this before I went to the Charity 4 years ago but decided that I needed that particular bolt hole at that time.

For me, having cancer has completely thrown everything up in the air and made me question all sorts of things, it has messed (nearly used an Anglo Saxon word there) with my head in many ways.  I find myself actually wanting to just chuck it all in and go somewhere - I've no idea what to do or where to go, it's just a random feeling.  Some days I belong and others I don't, some days I'm up and some days I'm down, no rhyme nor reason for that either.  Some days I'm fed up with things and the next day I'm fine with them.

There was a certain direction I was following before I got cancer.  I had a reasonably successful business and had finally settled down into the "dream job" - something I had needed and where I could make a huge difference.   Bang - gone.  

Since then I've been in and out of jobs and schemes and businesses and the crazy thing is that I'm still no nearer answering the question now than I was then - what the hell am I going to do with myself?  

I'm not convinced that this research is going to lead me anywhere either at the moment as I can't find the market trends and can't see through all the noise that's out there.  If I get it right then it is a way to go but will I be happy?  Will the life that transpires make me any happier?

I can't seem to work out what I want to do, what direction to go in and that's all to do with different drivers.  By that I mean it isn't money and it isn't what I have now necessarily.  It isn't even to do with the industries I used to work in it;s all to do with health, happiness and enjoyment and whilst I'm not saying I don't have those, I don't appear to have any sort of balance with any of them.

It was all very different 7 years ago :-)  

Up and Down, up and down

It's one of those things I suppose.  I flit between euphoria and depression and it has a lot to do with me being unable to rationalise everything at the moment.  Reflecting on my life, I actually have a pretty good situation.  I can sit here wallowing in my own self indulgent thoughts in the knowledge that I don't actually need to "go to work" tomorrow.  I need to go to work sometime and I need to work out what I want to do with myself.  

I've spent a hot day doing research into the family history business and I can see an opportunity there but goodness me there are so many "amateurs" out there charging less than the national wage and giving their services away.  I can imagine that it is "pin money" for the elderly but frankly so many of them are chancing their arm with this.  I'd like to shake the industry up but once again realise that to innovate in this area you will just p*ss off a load of people.  It appears that if you work really hard at this you can just about be "making a living."

What's the answer?  I haven't got a clue - I flit between one and the other.  Maybe I need to be on the 5:15?

Hot as you like

Humid and little breeze, amazingly warm up in the 30s and that's nice but makes doing any work difficult.  I suppose I ought to be grateful that the plasterer didn't work this week or this weekend I'd be installing the bathroom and tiles etc!  In a small room in this heat it wouldn't have been great.

As it is, I am working whilst listening to Test Match Special (TMS) which is on the radio in the Cricket Test between England and South Africa.  It is an an intriguing moment in the match.  Only we could invent a game that takes 5 days!

So, a nice weekend if a bit sticky.  I watched one of my all time favourite films last night, now on DVD, "Same Time Next Year" in which an extra marital relationship develops on the same weekend every year over a long period of time.  It is pretty tame I suppose in today's terms but I loved it when I saw it years ago and the second watching was just great - they don't tend to make simple, nice, believable films like this any more.

As I progress towards researching and documenting my business ideas, I'm also looking forward to going to Italy for the Grand Prix and later this week a meeting with the lads for our Curry Club organised by Flocky Bicep it should be interesting as it is only going to cost £10 plus beer.  Hope that it is not as warm as today and I can wander down to the local pub prior to going for the meal.

I'm feeling a lot better today than earlier in the week.  It's strange these mood swings - I've certainly had them a lot and when I remember what my dad was like, I suppose it shouldn't surprise me.  Was also a little jealous as some friends of ours just text messaged that they'd left Southampton on a Mediterranean Cruise.  Very nice and they get to Greece and Italy (Venice) so it sounds great.  

As I write this we've just had a shower out of nowhere, huge drops of rain and it lasted all of 1 minute and now we are back to sunshine - strange... 

And there you go - a lot better now

Mostly I get these "depressions" and they don't last a long time but they are destructive and not pleasant. Today I'm a lot better than I was yesterday and no doubt I'll build on this and get back to my normal self in a week or so.

I've started doing some more research now into running another business and that's going to help me focus on some serious work for a while.  I've also been invited to go to Italy in a few weeks time and I really fancy going and although it clashes with a few long standing appointments, I think that I will take the opportunity to go for 4 or 5 days.  I love Italy I have to say and the chance to go to Bologna and Milan and take in the Italian Grand Prix at the same time is too good to pass up I think.

Not quite so morose as yesterday

It's a strange thing, I'm not quite as down as I was yesterday but I'm still not in a great place right now.  I feel that I'd like to get on an do something but my present activity gauge is one of procrastination and disinterest in things.  I know I should get on and do some accounts but I'd rather watch paint dry.  I feel that I should start to look at some business planning or at least some research and yet that doesn't interest me either.

At least today is a bit brighter in terms of my mood and I just need to build on this now and see where I can get to with it.   

A little better this morning

Finding yourself with nothing to do and in addition waiting for something to happen which is completely out of your control isn't a good place to be I've decided.  As luck would have it, as I started this post, Flocky Bicep reminded me that Coffee at Costa was on the cards and I walked up to the local shop - missing the rain - and had a nice couple of coffees.  Not sure I was the best of company - I'm not really great to be around at the moment - I'm sort of not my usual cheerful, funny self at all and I've gone into my Introvert side which I am prone to do at times like this.

I suppose it's that realisation that I'm not now suited to being back in Corporate life any more, I'm too difficult to handle and too much the Maverick to find suitable employment in an ordered and structured environment.  Although I create order and structure as part of my job, I cannot live in a place where I'm doing "business as normal" the same thing day in and day out, I have to be building, troubleshooting or just doing something constructive.  

Coming to terms with this is what's making me the brooding inward looking me at the moment.  Not a great place to be for me or anyone else around me.  I do lift myself out of it but for only very short periods of time before getting back to this mourning for a life that I can't have any more.  Oh well, it's only temporary and I'll get over it eventually :-)