Went out tonight with some friends - 3 guys and 3 gals. It was a really good night and a little bizarre too. We started at my local and had a good few beers and then had a nice Curry and just enjoyed each others company.
I have to say that I'm really taken with one of the gals as she reminds me so much of a girl I knew way, way, way back in my youth. She has the looks and the most amazing eyes and it was really nice to see her - I hadn't expected her to turn up at all. It was just a nice evening out and my local Indian restaurant did us very well even to the point where I asked for a spare glass for my friend and they were very pleased to give that to me gratis.
They are nice guys at the restaurant but it is obvious that they use it as a training ground for the young waiters who must progress on to bigger and greater things.
So, here I am, I have no idea what to make of the evening other than it was very enjoyable. Yikes, this girl/lady has the most hypnotic blue eyes, great sense of humour and turned up when I wasn't expecting it. I have absolutely no idea what it all means anyway as I'm so screwed up at the moment and I don't get any signals whatsoever.....
Damn wouldn't it be good if for once it was all obvious to me what to do?
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
My Mum woke me up this morning
Which is pretty impressive as she lives a good 120+ miles away :-) Actually she called me just gone 10 and I was fast asleep :-) I must have dozed back to sleep and I'm not surprised as I was tired yesterday and from the exertions of the past week.
I'm wrestling with a balance problem - not in my body but in what I do next. It was nice to have a chat with this chap yesterday about his company woes and in some ways I'd enjoy being back in that sort of situation again although he needed to kick some arse frankly and lay the law down - I'd have enjoyed doing this sort of thing...
No what has been bugging me is that I reckon I have some plans that I would like to do to raise some funds and keep the metaphorical Wolf from the door. They rely heavily on being in this house or having full support from everyone. These aren't direct employment opportunities nor will they raise cash from day one - perhaps day 90 or 120 but certainly not straight away. They involve remodelling my office and taking up space in either the garage or shed both of which are storing large amounts of stuff that isn't being used. However, if we were to move elsewhere that may not be possible.
Once again, I am reminded that I need to sort both things out not just one for each is reliant on the other to some extent.
I'm wrestling with a balance problem - not in my body but in what I do next. It was nice to have a chat with this chap yesterday about his company woes and in some ways I'd enjoy being back in that sort of situation again although he needed to kick some arse frankly and lay the law down - I'd have enjoyed doing this sort of thing...
No what has been bugging me is that I reckon I have some plans that I would like to do to raise some funds and keep the metaphorical Wolf from the door. They rely heavily on being in this house or having full support from everyone. These aren't direct employment opportunities nor will they raise cash from day one - perhaps day 90 or 120 but certainly not straight away. They involve remodelling my office and taking up space in either the garage or shed both of which are storing large amounts of stuff that isn't being used. However, if we were to move elsewhere that may not be possible.
Once again, I am reminded that I need to sort both things out not just one for each is reliant on the other to some extent.
It's all in your mind
"Mr. Tweedy, all in your mind!" - good old Chicken Run - a harmless piece of entertainment if ever there was.
I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things. I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way. I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.
As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed. Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems. The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.
That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it? Let's try again. The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me. Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving. If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years. Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being. But that isn't the actual point still. I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next. As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in. I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly. I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.
I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment. I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least. My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.
In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them. I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that. So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have. Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.
I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things. I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way. I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.
As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed. Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems. The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.
That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it? Let's try again. The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me. Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving. If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years. Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being. But that isn't the actual point still. I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next. As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in. I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly. I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.
I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment. I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least. My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.
In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them. I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that. So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have. Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thinking - I do too much of it
Interesting conversation - yes not quite what I thought it might be so silly old me thinking too much as usual. Had a nice chat with business colleague of a friend and helped (I think) get their thinking straight. They can come back and chat some more, where upon my business partner was around and we went out for a late coffee after the call I had.
Funny as we were driving back, a head hunter called him so I left the car and him too it at my house - hopefully it will be a good job opportunity for him, after all, he deserves something good to happen to him.
I've been a bit of a grumpy today, not happy with something or other, not happy with Mrs. F and I backed out of a couple of one-liners I was about to deliver as they weren't appropriate nor were they "big or clever" :-) If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all I suppose.
Had some of my deliveries turn up today but unfortunately so badly packed that one of the chocolate items was smashed to pieces. It was a particularly badly packed parcel I'd say. The customer service experience isn't great and I think it would help these guys immensely if they saw the Amazon model which I've never had a problem with.
Mrs. F is out for a short while which gives me a nice quiet time to calm down prior to her return although in reality going out for a couple of coffees and a chat have done.
Funny as we were driving back, a head hunter called him so I left the car and him too it at my house - hopefully it will be a good job opportunity for him, after all, he deserves something good to happen to him.
I've been a bit of a grumpy today, not happy with something or other, not happy with Mrs. F and I backed out of a couple of one-liners I was about to deliver as they weren't appropriate nor were they "big or clever" :-) If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all I suppose.
Had some of my deliveries turn up today but unfortunately so badly packed that one of the chocolate items was smashed to pieces. It was a particularly badly packed parcel I'd say. The customer service experience isn't great and I think it would help these guys immensely if they saw the Amazon model which I've never had a problem with.
Mrs. F is out for a short while which gives me a nice quiet time to calm down prior to her return although in reality going out for a couple of coffees and a chat have done.
Frosty Morning
Indoors that is :-) It hasn't been a great morning here but Mrs. F. has now shot off to do shopping and see her mum and stuff so that's OK. I am sat here at the PC wondering whether I should follow my star sign this morning (I have a desktop thing that has a daily Horoscope on it - what possessed me to look at it today I don't know).
"Relationships can be a source of pain now, yet opening your heart in the presence of potential hurt could earn the rewards of intimacy. This is not an easy process, for your tendency is to protect your sensitive feelings from being wounded. Showing your vulnerability to someone you love is the first step on the journey to healing today."
How bizarre is that? :-)
Anyway, I've been doing a bit more work on reviewing my options and I suppose that I ought to have some of those chats I said I ought to have. Of course, it is typical, I got a call last night from someone who has some potential work for me. Idiot me I didn't turn it down but said I'd have a chat today with them. Where's all that assertive stuff I used to be made of gone? Down the toilet with my confidence and everything else I reckon :-)
"Relationships can be a source of pain now, yet opening your heart in the presence of potential hurt could earn the rewards of intimacy. This is not an easy process, for your tendency is to protect your sensitive feelings from being wounded. Showing your vulnerability to someone you love is the first step on the journey to healing today."
How bizarre is that? :-)
Anyway, I've been doing a bit more work on reviewing my options and I suppose that I ought to have some of those chats I said I ought to have. Of course, it is typical, I got a call last night from someone who has some potential work for me. Idiot me I didn't turn it down but said I'd have a chat today with them. Where's all that assertive stuff I used to be made of gone? Down the toilet with my confidence and everything else I reckon :-)
Monday, November 26, 2012
Out and About with Flocky
It was nice to get some time with Flocky. He's a good chap and a good listener and a good confident too. I certainly needed some vent for my frustration at ending up on the Thursday night soaked through! But it's happened before - I've ended up having to work out a way to get home because no one will come out for me - but then that's par for the course, I'm sure if it was them and I did that I wouldn't hear the last of it.
Then there's a little fact that is also interesting and that's that until last night I hadn't actually spoken to Mrs. F since Tuesday - well not to have a conversation that is. What contact has been made has been by Text. There's nothing particularly wrong in this, it is usual. However, not sure that everyone else finds it usual.
So there we have it - I've had a good weekend - not sure I'd want to do anything quite as crazy as flying there again but you never know. It was good fun. Flocky didn't come to Scotland but maybe next year - it is good fun....
Then there's a little fact that is also interesting and that's that until last night I hadn't actually spoken to Mrs. F since Tuesday - well not to have a conversation that is. What contact has been made has been by Text. There's nothing particularly wrong in this, it is usual. However, not sure that everyone else finds it usual.
So there we have it - I've had a good weekend - not sure I'd want to do anything quite as crazy as flying there again but you never know. It was good fun. Flocky didn't come to Scotland but maybe next year - it is good fun....
Recovery Mode
It was the culmination of quite a weekend. On Thursday I had been in London and got soaked on the way home and by the time that no one had wanted to pick me up and I'd got home, I needed to dry out my suit, jacket, shoes and overcoat. As luck would have it, my Regalia, in a case remained dry but my umbrella was wet and wind damaged :-( It took quite a while to dry things out and as luck would have it, by 2 am or thereabouts I was able to assemble things together so that in the morning I could do final packing and not have a damp bag.
Flocky picked me up on Friday morning and we (well he) drove to Southampton. We were able to book into our Hotel early but we hadn't counted on no lift and so we were confronted with 3 flights of stairs and a long walk to our rooms. This would come back to haunt us. We went to TGIF for lunch which was very nice indeed, although I'm no great lover of chain outlets it was OK. We then headed back, got showered and changed for the meeting at the nearby Novotel. When we got there we found out that there were some double bookings and we had to get to the 5th floor to change. I managed the first lift up but elected to walk down and walk up and down again as I really didn't like the idea of getting 6 or 7 of us in a lift at a time and there were well over 200 brethren there. We then took our cases to our Hotel (next door) and had to go up and down 3 flights of steps! At this point I realised how unfit I was :-)
We had a nice meal and I was fortunate to sit next to an old friend of mine who was my Committee Chair when I was at the Charity, he had just had a Scan as he has Prostate Cancer and they need to make a decision on what to do about that. So we chatted about that and many other things too. He was good company and he held a high office in the Province but as Flocky said he really was a nice chap and very good company indeed.
On Saturday Flocky took me to Southampton Airport - a mere 4 miles from our Hotel but that took us close to 20 minutes because of the Traffic Lights! It was a nice little airport and I spent time in the Coffee Lounge watching the planes taking off and landing. I was meant to be in a Flybe Embraer E-195 aircraft but over a period of weeks my flight had been put back almost 2 hours and I actually flew on a Bombardier Dash 8 Q400, which was a bit disappointing but there you go we made Glasgow in great time - 1 hour and 15 minutes I think. I had to admit to not feeling particularly good on the flight or a couple of times during the day suffering with what felt like Angina!
I was met at the airport by one of the Scots Lodge members and driven the 30 or so minutes to Strathaven Hotel where I met my colleagues in good time for a double Glenmorangie to be thrust in to my hands and the day to really begin.
In Southampton and the South of England it had been raining constantly but it was quite pleasant in Scotland however that changed overnight and we managed to get particularly wet getting home at 3 in the morning!! YES, 3 in the morning. We had a lovely meeting and meal followed by a Harmony (a sort of self put on show - the Bag Pipes (3 master of Pipes) were just amazing - I will see if I can get some photos on here. My friend and I did our two sketches - one in the main hall and the Nelson sketch in the pub afterwards! The first was funny but the second (whether through drink or otherwise) brought the house down - the props just added to the fun.
All too soon, the evening was beginning to get quite boisterous and around 2:30 we decided to get back to the Hotel. After we said our goodbyes we headed up the hill (more like a mountain). Once again, I was out of breath but my colleague, who has Asthma and other chest complaints was suffering in the cold and the dampness as it was chucking it down with rain and it could only have been a handful of degrees. We got back about 3 or just past but by the time I was ready to hit the sack it was 3:20 - I didn't need any bedtime story I can tell you - I was out like a light. This year we had breakfast at Gentlemen's hours and around 9:00 we were having a Scottish breakfast and we got on the road about 10:30 or 10:40 - the journey home was only eventful when we got near Northampton where a small flood had topped the road - the car in front hit it and swerved on the edge of loss of control, a Jaguar like mine, thank goodness for 3 tons of car and all wheel drive as we certainly had some aquaplaning but the car just ploughed on nicely in control.
I unfortunately heard the result of the World Championship in Formula 1 but not the circumstances of that win and I got home just in time to see the rerun of the Brazilian Grand Prix and it was an absolute classic which but as I knew the outcome of the overall thing I had some of the excitement (and it was exciting as he may have lost the thing on lap one - it was very lucky he didn't) mitigated by that.
I've now got some decisions to make about myself and where to go next. I think the weekend gave me some time to think things through but in reality, what I would really like is to get my head into gear quickly and actually knuckle down and start to sort things out systematically - that's the plan - whether or not it happens is another thing altogether. :-)
On Saturday Flocky took me to Southampton Airport - a mere 4 miles from our Hotel but that took us close to 20 minutes because of the Traffic Lights! It was a nice little airport and I spent time in the Coffee Lounge watching the planes taking off and landing. I was meant to be in a Flybe Embraer E-195 aircraft but over a period of weeks my flight had been put back almost 2 hours and I actually flew on a Bombardier Dash 8 Q400, which was a bit disappointing but there you go we made Glasgow in great time - 1 hour and 15 minutes I think. I had to admit to not feeling particularly good on the flight or a couple of times during the day suffering with what felt like Angina!
I was met at the airport by one of the Scots Lodge members and driven the 30 or so minutes to Strathaven Hotel where I met my colleagues in good time for a double Glenmorangie to be thrust in to my hands and the day to really begin.
In Southampton and the South of England it had been raining constantly but it was quite pleasant in Scotland however that changed overnight and we managed to get particularly wet getting home at 3 in the morning!! YES, 3 in the morning. We had a lovely meeting and meal followed by a Harmony (a sort of self put on show - the Bag Pipes (3 master of Pipes) were just amazing - I will see if I can get some photos on here. My friend and I did our two sketches - one in the main hall and the Nelson sketch in the pub afterwards! The first was funny but the second (whether through drink or otherwise) brought the house down - the props just added to the fun.
All too soon, the evening was beginning to get quite boisterous and around 2:30 we decided to get back to the Hotel. After we said our goodbyes we headed up the hill (more like a mountain). Once again, I was out of breath but my colleague, who has Asthma and other chest complaints was suffering in the cold and the dampness as it was chucking it down with rain and it could only have been a handful of degrees. We got back about 3 or just past but by the time I was ready to hit the sack it was 3:20 - I didn't need any bedtime story I can tell you - I was out like a light. This year we had breakfast at Gentlemen's hours and around 9:00 we were having a Scottish breakfast and we got on the road about 10:30 or 10:40 - the journey home was only eventful when we got near Northampton where a small flood had topped the road - the car in front hit it and swerved on the edge of loss of control, a Jaguar like mine, thank goodness for 3 tons of car and all wheel drive as we certainly had some aquaplaning but the car just ploughed on nicely in control.
I unfortunately heard the result of the World Championship in Formula 1 but not the circumstances of that win and I got home just in time to see the rerun of the Brazilian Grand Prix and it was an absolute classic which but as I knew the outcome of the overall thing I had some of the excitement (and it was exciting as he may have lost the thing on lap one - it was very lucky he didn't) mitigated by that.
I've now got some decisions to make about myself and where to go next. I think the weekend gave me some time to think things through but in reality, what I would really like is to get my head into gear quickly and actually knuckle down and start to sort things out systematically - that's the plan - whether or not it happens is another thing altogether. :-)
What a weekend
I'll do so more later in the week but suffice it to say it was a good few days but I am very tired as I only got a little sleep between Thursday and today (Sunday). It was good to have a long chat and time with Flocky Bicep as that helped me to crystallise some of my recent thoughts. A crazy night out in Scotland was just what the doctor ordered and it was, indeed a fantastic meeting, meal and harmony afterwards. Suffice it to say I got to bed around 3:20 am but actually hadn't been feeling too well for most of Saturday - not sure if it was nerves or food that made me not feel great but it did mean I didn't drink a lot and so that helped me a lot.
Then to get driven home in a 6 Litre, W12 Bentley Continental from Scotland was just sublime, the engine note is absolutely amazing and produces a smile a mail wide every time the pedal is pressed.
I am now just sorting myself out and will probably sleep for hours tomorrow :-) More later.
Then to get driven home in a 6 Litre, W12 Bentley Continental from Scotland was just sublime, the engine note is absolutely amazing and produces a smile a mail wide every time the pedal is pressed.
I am now just sorting myself out and will probably sleep for hours tomorrow :-) More later.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thinking of Building an Ark
It sort of follows that the US gets some sort of storm or hurricane and a few weeks later we get some sort of "weather event". Well yesterday was like Armageddon, the heavens opened and the skies darkened and rather than walk I had to get public transport to the event.
Today, we were told that it would be a lovely sunny day and that overnight - like 2 or 3 am it would get wet and windy. WRONG. We had been in London, actually al fresco although it was a bit blowy earlier on but around about 9:30 all hell broke loose and the wind was driving the rain sideways so we headed to the train station and there were (unusually) lots of people around. All the trains were delayed due to inclement weather, signal problems and on my line a broken down train.
I need to pack the stuff I was wearing tonight ready so I can go away tomorrow - I have it all laid out drying as I'm soaked to the skin and once again the call home where three drivers and two cars on the drive went unheeded and I ended up getting a thorough soaking whilst waiting in the bus shelter and between the bus stop and home my trousers are soaked through and my umbrella is suffering from being blown inside out. Call me a cynical bastard but you'd have thought one of them would have answered my request for a lift. One of them actually rang me as I was on route to London asking for a lift from the station when it was dry and sunny.
Hopefully I'm not getting paranoid about this but this isn't the first time that I've ended up soaked to the skin because no one would come out. It wasn't even that late 10:30 but there you go. Luckily I'm away for a few days and sod them all. At least I will be enjoying myself for the next few days and very much like this evening have a good old time to take my mind off things.
Today, we were told that it would be a lovely sunny day and that overnight - like 2 or 3 am it would get wet and windy. WRONG. We had been in London, actually al fresco although it was a bit blowy earlier on but around about 9:30 all hell broke loose and the wind was driving the rain sideways so we headed to the train station and there were (unusually) lots of people around. All the trains were delayed due to inclement weather, signal problems and on my line a broken down train.
I need to pack the stuff I was wearing tonight ready so I can go away tomorrow - I have it all laid out drying as I'm soaked to the skin and once again the call home where three drivers and two cars on the drive went unheeded and I ended up getting a thorough soaking whilst waiting in the bus shelter and between the bus stop and home my trousers are soaked through and my umbrella is suffering from being blown inside out. Call me a cynical bastard but you'd have thought one of them would have answered my request for a lift. One of them actually rang me as I was on route to London asking for a lift from the station when it was dry and sunny.
Hopefully I'm not getting paranoid about this but this isn't the first time that I've ended up soaked to the skin because no one would come out. It wasn't even that late 10:30 but there you go. Luckily I'm away for a few days and sod them all. At least I will be enjoying myself for the next few days and very much like this evening have a good old time to take my mind off things.
50 minutes to go
Then off to London for a Lodge meeting getting back quite late I believe then up early tomorrow with Flocky Bicep travelling to Southampton to get there for a long lunch followed by getting ready for another Lodge meeting, a few post meeting beers and then to bed up early to go to Southampton Airport in the morning and catch my flight to Glasgow to be picked up, run over to the Hotel and then off to - you guessed it another Lodge meeting followed by a meal and a Harmony where sketches, music and poems are performed and bagpipes and all sorts of things go on. Back late - like 2 or 3 am and then being driven home to arrive home late on Sunday! What a way to go on! :-)
I will be totally shattered come Sunday.
I will be totally shattered come Sunday.
As I suspected
Mrs. F. was on early shift this morning so I glimpsed her leaving. Realistically I'm now not going to see her until Sunday evening! Oh well, it just gives me a starting situation to work from.
Communication is a key thing and the trouble is that I am (despite what you may think) quite introverted in many ways and I'm not surprisingly extremely good at soaking up all the annoyances and frustrations and can do that for years. You don't ever want to see what I am like when I get angry or annoyed :-)
It looks like I've got a hell of a lot of work to do when I get back from Scotland but then again I knew that. Much of the indecision and also the time taken to think this through is that it is actually quite serious. Whilst I can't change my life in one big step and one all encompassing move, change my life is what I want but at what cost? If I were to just please myself then everyone gets "hurt" apart from me as I get my own way -- or do I? If I compromise, as I have done for a number of years, will I ever be happy with my lot? In many ways I want to keep some of this life with me but maybe, just maybe that wont happen.
I don't know the answer (or maybe I intuitively do and that's why I don't want to act). Part of me feels I should untangle the situation I'm in now and some of me yearns for a break and a clean start and yet there are so many permutations and it's just a difficult question to answer. I don't suppose that there is an malice in the way Mrs. F. acts as she isn't like that but perhaps through getting ill I now find I need some different sort of support. I don't know!
I'm now out and about from later today and will be heading to different places and travelling around. The girls will be arriving back tonight and so I might bump into one or other of them, we will see but I will be back late and then off and away in the morning to Southampton, then Saturday Glasgow and then home late on Sunday. After this - I need to work on getting things completed for Christmas. Newsletters, Cards, presents etc all need sorting out! At least I will have few distractions even though I am out every weekend between now and mid January!
Communication is a key thing and the trouble is that I am (despite what you may think) quite introverted in many ways and I'm not surprisingly extremely good at soaking up all the annoyances and frustrations and can do that for years. You don't ever want to see what I am like when I get angry or annoyed :-)
It looks like I've got a hell of a lot of work to do when I get back from Scotland but then again I knew that. Much of the indecision and also the time taken to think this through is that it is actually quite serious. Whilst I can't change my life in one big step and one all encompassing move, change my life is what I want but at what cost? If I were to just please myself then everyone gets "hurt" apart from me as I get my own way -- or do I? If I compromise, as I have done for a number of years, will I ever be happy with my lot? In many ways I want to keep some of this life with me but maybe, just maybe that wont happen.
I don't know the answer (or maybe I intuitively do and that's why I don't want to act). Part of me feels I should untangle the situation I'm in now and some of me yearns for a break and a clean start and yet there are so many permutations and it's just a difficult question to answer. I don't suppose that there is an malice in the way Mrs. F. acts as she isn't like that but perhaps through getting ill I now find I need some different sort of support. I don't know!
I'm now out and about from later today and will be heading to different places and travelling around. The girls will be arriving back tonight and so I might bump into one or other of them, we will see but I will be back late and then off and away in the morning to Southampton, then Saturday Glasgow and then home late on Sunday. After this - I need to work on getting things completed for Christmas. Newsletters, Cards, presents etc all need sorting out! At least I will have few distractions even though I am out every weekend between now and mid January!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
What a Day
Our weather forecasters (who also assure me that Global Warming is real) suggested that we would be clear of rain by lunchtime and that it would be a lovely day from mid afternoon onwards. At around 2 pm I found myself turning on the lights as it looked like an Apocalypse was about to unload itself on us.
I was due out and was going to walk the 2 or 3 miles or whatever it is to a meeting but ended up hanging about and then grabbing public transport.
To make matters worse after the meeting Mrs. F. kindly came and got me but it was obviously begrudgingly. I could have got a Taxi or someone could have run me home but as it was I spent a while in the car going home trying to make conversation against the "great wall of silence". The unfortunate thing is (I realise) that I won't be seeing Mrs. F. until late Sunday night at the earliest as I'm away now until then. I feel bloody minded enough just to let that happen and see what the effect is. I have a meeting that means I wont be home until midnight at the earliest tomorrow and then on Friday I'm away early in the morning and I won't be home until Sunday.
I'm neutral, almost blasé about this because - it isn't me that's dealing out the grief, far from it. I just find that any grief fired in my direction only gets my back up further and I reciprocate in kind and add interest. OK maybe I shouldn't do that but that's the way I'm built, that's the way I protect myself and that's just tough.
In a way, I don't care at the moment as I am out to please myself (I know that's selfish but perhaps, just maybe, I've earned that right by now). Whatever it is, the parting has been one of no words or anything else and that's sad, I did try but that's not important I guess.
In recent months I have been really trying to communicate and get back to some semblance of "normality" and yet despite those efforts it isn't to be. I have a mission to sort this out when I get back from Scotland once and for all because it makes for troubled times and it ties me to an impossible plot and theme one that I cannot hope to achieve.
I was due out and was going to walk the 2 or 3 miles or whatever it is to a meeting but ended up hanging about and then grabbing public transport.
To make matters worse after the meeting Mrs. F. kindly came and got me but it was obviously begrudgingly. I could have got a Taxi or someone could have run me home but as it was I spent a while in the car going home trying to make conversation against the "great wall of silence". The unfortunate thing is (I realise) that I won't be seeing Mrs. F. until late Sunday night at the earliest as I'm away now until then. I feel bloody minded enough just to let that happen and see what the effect is. I have a meeting that means I wont be home until midnight at the earliest tomorrow and then on Friday I'm away early in the morning and I won't be home until Sunday.
I'm neutral, almost blasé about this because - it isn't me that's dealing out the grief, far from it. I just find that any grief fired in my direction only gets my back up further and I reciprocate in kind and add interest. OK maybe I shouldn't do that but that's the way I'm built, that's the way I protect myself and that's just tough.
In a way, I don't care at the moment as I am out to please myself (I know that's selfish but perhaps, just maybe, I've earned that right by now). Whatever it is, the parting has been one of no words or anything else and that's sad, I did try but that's not important I guess.
In recent months I have been really trying to communicate and get back to some semblance of "normality" and yet despite those efforts it isn't to be. I have a mission to sort this out when I get back from Scotland once and for all because it makes for troubled times and it ties me to an impossible plot and theme one that I cannot hope to achieve.
Messed up again
Strange old morning - I've done a bit of work on the bathroom and just faffed about, I've printed off the scripts for the weekend jaunt to Scotland and packed the props and suddenly I feel like I've dropped off a cliff and just feel awful for no apparent reason at all.
It is a pretty strange feeling I have to say but there you go, it comes and goes like this a lot these days. I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach a little tight across the chest and have a dry throat and it's all in my mind it is just so debilitating - I have absolutely no interest in doing anything even though I have things to do. This will pass a little later on I'm certain. I was doing quite well up to now.
It is a pretty strange feeling I have to say but there you go, it comes and goes like this a lot these days. I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach a little tight across the chest and have a dry throat and it's all in my mind it is just so debilitating - I have absolutely no interest in doing anything even though I have things to do. This will pass a little later on I'm certain. I was doing quite well up to now.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Fear Itself
It was Franklin D. Roosevelt who coined that phrase:
During his inauguration on March 4, 1933, occurred in the middle of a bank panic, hence the backdrop for his famous words: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
It is a most bizarre thing that we just beat ourselves up and invent the fear and live up to it. Too many times I've been in that situation and my mind has got the better of me. Sure, some of the things that have happened to me aren't nice and the weren't pleasant but fear made them worse. Once I was "used to them" I could live with them and waiting and other indignities are now part of every visit but it doesn't bother me so much because that is the system.
I realise that my father's death did affect me in many subtle ways. Strange things happen these days that really create a wobble in my day to day equilibrium.
Fear is a massive factor in Cancer - I mean things like will it recur, will it be treatable, will you die and so on. It IS frightening and it's only when people remember and tell you what I was like say 5 years ago that I realise how ill I actually was and how near I was to having a far worse time.
During his inauguration on March 4, 1933, occurred in the middle of a bank panic, hence the backdrop for his famous words: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
It is a most bizarre thing that we just beat ourselves up and invent the fear and live up to it. Too many times I've been in that situation and my mind has got the better of me. Sure, some of the things that have happened to me aren't nice and the weren't pleasant but fear made them worse. Once I was "used to them" I could live with them and waiting and other indignities are now part of every visit but it doesn't bother me so much because that is the system.
I realise that my father's death did affect me in many subtle ways. Strange things happen these days that really create a wobble in my day to day equilibrium.
Fear is a massive factor in Cancer - I mean things like will it recur, will it be treatable, will you die and so on. It IS frightening and it's only when people remember and tell you what I was like say 5 years ago that I realise how ill I actually was and how near I was to having a far worse time.
Setting out a vision for the future
It is always a good chat with my business partner. Both of us had cancer at the same time and surgery overlapped by a day or two. Mine wasn't radical surgery - his was and so we both began to spend time chatting comparing notes and it's been cathartic because we were both going through similar symptoms and reactions and so we've helped each other along the way. He is about 6 or 7 years my junior and this is an interesting age gap - he hasn't hit 50 yet and so we have different outlooks on where to go from here. I've said before that I really want to just take things easy, make a living but on my terms as I've had so much time for myself and my needs and wants to have that taken away is one of the areas that I can see would affect my decisions.
Currently I am waiting to hear back from one job. It's a pretty interesting job but would mean me becoming an employee again and I just don't know that I really, deep down inside, want that. However I need to be a realist and to set out something for sticking some money into the bank account and allowing us to eat and pay the bills. I'm a bit of a closet artisan really - I'd love to make money by making things, pottery, paintings, photographs, crafts and so on. Of course I very much doubt that you'd actually pay the bills doing this for a living and you'd need a series of small enterprises to keep you going. A chap in the village paints and sells prints of the originals but he also does commissions and he runs the weekly Jazz club too. I think he just about keeps body and soul together doing that, you see his paintings all around the local area in pubs and clubs and exhibitions. I'd certainly like to do something like that but of course you need to find you niche and then go for it.
I think that the genealogy business will have three peak times per year, Christmas, Father's and Mother's Day. I can see some times when it will be quiet and then I'll need to substitute doing something else in its place and I could set up a couple of small businesses aimed at the clubs and social market. It would be something along the line of targeted marketing and selling on personalised items that they can use for fund-raising etc. I know there is a market or an appetite for these sorts of things as many people ask me whether I can source things like pens and personal pepper pots etc. It might be another line to pursue especially as I have friends who are engravers and another who runs a personalisation business.
I will work on this from next week when I get back from Scotland.
Currently I am waiting to hear back from one job. It's a pretty interesting job but would mean me becoming an employee again and I just don't know that I really, deep down inside, want that. However I need to be a realist and to set out something for sticking some money into the bank account and allowing us to eat and pay the bills. I'm a bit of a closet artisan really - I'd love to make money by making things, pottery, paintings, photographs, crafts and so on. Of course I very much doubt that you'd actually pay the bills doing this for a living and you'd need a series of small enterprises to keep you going. A chap in the village paints and sells prints of the originals but he also does commissions and he runs the weekly Jazz club too. I think he just about keeps body and soul together doing that, you see his paintings all around the local area in pubs and clubs and exhibitions. I'd certainly like to do something like that but of course you need to find you niche and then go for it.
I think that the genealogy business will have three peak times per year, Christmas, Father's and Mother's Day. I can see some times when it will be quiet and then I'll need to substitute doing something else in its place and I could set up a couple of small businesses aimed at the clubs and social market. It would be something along the line of targeted marketing and selling on personalised items that they can use for fund-raising etc. I know there is a market or an appetite for these sorts of things as many people ask me whether I can source things like pens and personal pepper pots etc. It might be another line to pursue especially as I have friends who are engravers and another who runs a personalisation business.
I will work on this from next week when I get back from Scotland.
Neck is a bit better
I've been using the heat bag (wheat bag) a couple of times and it seems to have worked and whilst I can still feel the strain it is a lot better. My business partner came over today and I finally took him on the circular walk from my house. It is slightly modified and I changed part of the route to go past the Firs and a Fallen Oak tree all whitened in the sun which I have a painting of in my front room.
It is about an hour long and we ended up at the local pub for a few beers and a sandwich - all very nice - it is what I like about living here. I was particularly interested to listen to his experiences (similar to mine) about the current job market - it really isn't where we want to be - the Corporate jobs are just dire and in no way would use our skills and experience - perhaps we are looking in the wrong places. The trouble is that to align with start ups is also a difficult task because of the circle of advisers that appear to mentor these people - more like the money people spreadsheet managing them.
I have made a decision that this weekend is my drop-dead date for the majority of outstanding jobs I've not heard from - if I haven't heard, then they don't exist. I have one opportunity that I am waiting to hear from and it's only been a few days since I heard from them. If that goes flat or cold then I think I need to spend a day or two with Mrs. F. and set out a vision of the future and see where we get to with that.
It is about an hour long and we ended up at the local pub for a few beers and a sandwich - all very nice - it is what I like about living here. I was particularly interested to listen to his experiences (similar to mine) about the current job market - it really isn't where we want to be - the Corporate jobs are just dire and in no way would use our skills and experience - perhaps we are looking in the wrong places. The trouble is that to align with start ups is also a difficult task because of the circle of advisers that appear to mentor these people - more like the money people spreadsheet managing them.
I have made a decision that this weekend is my drop-dead date for the majority of outstanding jobs I've not heard from - if I haven't heard, then they don't exist. I have one opportunity that I am waiting to hear from and it's only been a few days since I heard from them. If that goes flat or cold then I think I need to spend a day or two with Mrs. F. and set out a vision of the future and see where we get to with that.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
What on Earth have I done to my neck
I woke about 5 am and felt my neck cricked and cold :-( It's been sore all day long - what a nightmare. Had heat pack treatment and walking around the house in a scarf to keep it warm!
Have done almost all my shopping for Christmas on-line this afternoon - a few more things to get for Mrs. F. but maybe I can have a look at the Airport as I'll have a bit of time to kill whilst I am there as my flight has been rescheduled to be an hour and a half later.
I need to get packed and sorted out for this week - I have things to do on every day and the challenge is to make sure I have got everything sorted as I have three meetings one after the other so no time to get that wrong.
Have done almost all my shopping for Christmas on-line this afternoon - a few more things to get for Mrs. F. but maybe I can have a look at the Airport as I'll have a bit of time to kill whilst I am there as my flight has been rescheduled to be an hour and a half later.
I need to get packed and sorted out for this week - I have things to do on every day and the challenge is to make sure I have got everything sorted as I have three meetings one after the other so no time to get that wrong.
That was good
A nice meeting and very pleasant afternoon. I must try and get my breathing right again in these small Lodge rooms - I tend to get quite panicky right at the start in these small rooms and I was "trapped" in a corner which really didn't help much but then I realised that the fans were turning, there was a breeze and I had plenty of room to move around. It may seem strange to you that I get like this but it is very frightening and I nearly walked out before we started but did some rationalising and also I knew that the room was plenty big enough for us and that as long as there was air circulating I'd be OK. Better than that, I'd been in here with far more people and survived.
I need to get a grip on this situation in the New Year as it is debilitating especially on trains and the like. I have a feeling that it has got worse recently and I wonder whether I need to just get some correctional stuff done through my hypnotherapist. It's in the mind of course and it relates back to childhood and also a number of times I've been on crowded trains and the like. I'm OK in a plane as I have a seat, I have air blowing on me and the plane is only crowded when people get on or off of it.
This time next week we should be getting into the swing of it - some how gone midnight last time I was in Scotland and the snow started falling like mad - we got back to the Hotel and had a small white out - mind you it was 3 in the morning!
I need to get a grip on this situation in the New Year as it is debilitating especially on trains and the like. I have a feeling that it has got worse recently and I wonder whether I need to just get some correctional stuff done through my hypnotherapist. It's in the mind of course and it relates back to childhood and also a number of times I've been on crowded trains and the like. I'm OK in a plane as I have a seat, I have air blowing on me and the plane is only crowded when people get on or off of it.
This time next week we should be getting into the swing of it - some how gone midnight last time I was in Scotland and the snow started falling like mad - we got back to the Hotel and had a small white out - mind you it was 3 in the morning!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Pulling Through
I feel that I am pulling through this period of being really down in the dumps and I'm beginning to have more ups than downs although the downs are still there. My dreams have been amazingly vivid in the past few months and some have been disturbing, others amusing and some downright weird.
I woke this morning in a not terribly nice place, I once again thought of my dad and him being in that hospital but once I got up and moving then things changed a bit and I felt a lot better. I need to get myself ready to go out and as I'll be doing the driving I will be on soft drinks for the day - not a problem as such as I imagine by this time next week (and I should be in the air by then) I will have had enough to drink for a month. This week really kicks off and I think that I'll be so full on that I won't be thinking too much about anything other than getting packed and between destinations as needed.
The good thing is that I can see that I'm a little bit brighter than I have been for a while, I've worked through a number of issues and whilst there's plenty more to do, things look a little better than they have for a while.
I woke this morning in a not terribly nice place, I once again thought of my dad and him being in that hospital but once I got up and moving then things changed a bit and I felt a lot better. I need to get myself ready to go out and as I'll be doing the driving I will be on soft drinks for the day - not a problem as such as I imagine by this time next week (and I should be in the air by then) I will have had enough to drink for a month. This week really kicks off and I think that I'll be so full on that I won't be thinking too much about anything other than getting packed and between destinations as needed.
The good thing is that I can see that I'm a little bit brighter than I have been for a while, I've worked through a number of issues and whilst there's plenty more to do, things look a little better than they have for a while.
Attitude Change
If you've read this blog for a while you are probably as aware as I am that my "mood" is a transient thing with a life of its own. I surf the highs and lows of life sometimes many times a day and I can be up one day and down the next for no particular reason.
Today I caught myself, quite unexpectedly, thinking about my dad and I have great vision and I could see him in his bed and he got a twinge and it hurt and I remember asking him if he needed anything for it and he said it passed pretty quickly and I found myself quite upset by this. I was upset because he was in pain and I recollect that it was his distress that hurt me more than anything. I wonder if a lot of this up and down is to do with his death you know? Apart from the day he died and comforting my mum a few times in the days afterwards I've not been too bad really. I probably appreciate that we all die and all that stuff and for various reasons whilst these things are sad they are also part of the course of life (although that's a strange word to use I suppose).
I was probably more upset than anything about the helplessness of it all in the end. The last few months were a slow and inevitable slipping away but not without the problems associated with him being bedridden and plenty of other stuff that goes along with that. I probably saw that and remembered that my Granddad was in hospital for a very long time too and I really don't fancy that much. I suppose if you have enough drugs and stuff that it may not matter to you the individual. It plays heavily on your family though. So this vision arrived and I felt very sad for him, as I feel for anyone in distressed circumstances and that was the trigger. It wasn't that he died, it was that he may have been in pain or suffered.
Talking to her doctor my mum had a chat about things and it appears that dad was extremely lucky that he had only minor pain and of course they do treat that seriously and effectively.
I imagine that Christmas won't be great for my mum and she is going to my brothers for Christmas this year - she will come to Christmas with me in 2013 and so that's good. I wanted her to come this year to us to be away from the house but there you go. I can imagine that it wont be a great time as dad liked Christmas and had lots of lights and decorations around the house. It wont be the same and I don't suppose my mums and my birthdays will ever be the same as he died the day before my birthday and two days after my mums. Bless him, I don't think he knew what the days or dates were as it would have distressed him to know it was mums birthday.
Surprisingly given this today has been a lot better. I got my morning suit trousers I've been waiting for but they weren't exactly the ones I expected and Mrs. F. has done a brilliant job shortening the legs as they arrived not completed. I didn't order them like that but hey ho - they fit a treat now and they need braces which also turned up today which is great as I need to wear them tomorrow. I discovered that there had been some sort of leak (probably the torrential rain we had a few months ago) that had caused my wardrobe to get slightly damp which has ruined a couple of garments and consigned one of my suits to the cleaners to see if it can be saved as it has light mould on it. What a nuisance it also got onto both of my guitar cases which are stored there but luckily not on to the guitars themselves.
Tomorrow I am picking up my friend early and we are heading off to a Lodge meeting. He will be driving me next weekend and so I'm happy to do this. It also means that I won't be drinking so that is also a good thing as they drink a lot at their meetings and often that means a thick head the next morning. Not tomorrow though!
I'm in a good mood all around even though I got the wobble about my dad midday. Other than that all is well - but give me time - that can and does quickly change!
Today I caught myself, quite unexpectedly, thinking about my dad and I have great vision and I could see him in his bed and he got a twinge and it hurt and I remember asking him if he needed anything for it and he said it passed pretty quickly and I found myself quite upset by this. I was upset because he was in pain and I recollect that it was his distress that hurt me more than anything. I wonder if a lot of this up and down is to do with his death you know? Apart from the day he died and comforting my mum a few times in the days afterwards I've not been too bad really. I probably appreciate that we all die and all that stuff and for various reasons whilst these things are sad they are also part of the course of life (although that's a strange word to use I suppose).
I was probably more upset than anything about the helplessness of it all in the end. The last few months were a slow and inevitable slipping away but not without the problems associated with him being bedridden and plenty of other stuff that goes along with that. I probably saw that and remembered that my Granddad was in hospital for a very long time too and I really don't fancy that much. I suppose if you have enough drugs and stuff that it may not matter to you the individual. It plays heavily on your family though. So this vision arrived and I felt very sad for him, as I feel for anyone in distressed circumstances and that was the trigger. It wasn't that he died, it was that he may have been in pain or suffered.
Talking to her doctor my mum had a chat about things and it appears that dad was extremely lucky that he had only minor pain and of course they do treat that seriously and effectively.
I imagine that Christmas won't be great for my mum and she is going to my brothers for Christmas this year - she will come to Christmas with me in 2013 and so that's good. I wanted her to come this year to us to be away from the house but there you go. I can imagine that it wont be a great time as dad liked Christmas and had lots of lights and decorations around the house. It wont be the same and I don't suppose my mums and my birthdays will ever be the same as he died the day before my birthday and two days after my mums. Bless him, I don't think he knew what the days or dates were as it would have distressed him to know it was mums birthday.
Surprisingly given this today has been a lot better. I got my morning suit trousers I've been waiting for but they weren't exactly the ones I expected and Mrs. F. has done a brilliant job shortening the legs as they arrived not completed. I didn't order them like that but hey ho - they fit a treat now and they need braces which also turned up today which is great as I need to wear them tomorrow. I discovered that there had been some sort of leak (probably the torrential rain we had a few months ago) that had caused my wardrobe to get slightly damp which has ruined a couple of garments and consigned one of my suits to the cleaners to see if it can be saved as it has light mould on it. What a nuisance it also got onto both of my guitar cases which are stored there but luckily not on to the guitars themselves.
Tomorrow I am picking up my friend early and we are heading off to a Lodge meeting. He will be driving me next weekend and so I'm happy to do this. It also means that I won't be drinking so that is also a good thing as they drink a lot at their meetings and often that means a thick head the next morning. Not tomorrow though!
I'm in a good mood all around even though I got the wobble about my dad midday. Other than that all is well - but give me time - that can and does quickly change!
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