Apart from the Internet being down - I can get to this site but I cannot get to most of my main web sites and I have no e-mail either.
I will have to wait for it to come back I suppose. Certainly I've not had the lightheadedness of yesterday. That was peculiar but I'm sure it is just settling into these tablets and also other factors like when I take them, whether I have eaten or not before and so on.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Suddenly this lot popped out
I was doodling around and started to jot this lot down. I hope that it makes sense.
My Bladder Cancer Journey
My Bladder Cancer Journey
Has only just begun
Yet like a West End blockbuster
It’s set to run and run.
My Symptoms, like many others
Start disturbingly, passing blood
In between the waves of panic
The stress hit me like a flood.
My GP reviewed the evidence
My guess is that he knew
An urgent request to refer me
Gave an appointment and review.
A Local procedure frightened me
A device that checks you bladder
Inserted where you can’t believe
Diagnosed cancer that made me sadder.
I think I knew that all along
The Consultant then told me so
You have a bladder tumour
It must be operated, removed and go.
What do I tell my children?
What do I tell my wife?
I have a dangerous illness
It may well cost me my life.
Within days I was in Hospital
So scared and so afraid
The worst was almost over
My family and friends all prayed.
How poorly I felt and helpless too
I lay wounded, wasted, tired, upset
As the scars healed within me
I researched and searched the Net.
The day came when half healed
After starving and laxatives left me weak
An IVU X-Ray procedure
Made me stressed and made me weep.
I’d never felt so wretched
So unloved, alone and bled
I’d have taken up any offer
I knew I didn’t want to end up dead.
Results of biopsies and X-rays
Consultations and knowledge provided
Another operation required
To check out what they'd decided.
Waking from this operation number 2
Something wasn’t right I knew
Spasms and pain racked my body
To keep my senses was all I could do.
Results this time were much better
Reviewed and checked and defined
BCG Treatment directly instilled
It sure played a lot on my mind.
Six instillation, rough times heading
It was meant to be so, of course
Renewing the bladder’s lining
Then limiting the cancer at its source.
The waiting is so stressful
Has the treatment worked or perhaps not?
These delays they are upsetting
A letter arrives and your stomach contracts in a knot.
In quiet moments I cried
Too proud to let you see
The trauma and the pain
That racked my mind and my body
My bladder cancer journey
Has only just begun
Now I’m past the first few stages
I'm sure I can overcome.
This poem, the first of many
I hope will put into rhyme
That hope it springs eternal
It happens all the time.
Calling on unforeseen depths
Your body can depend
A positive mental attitude
Will help you in the end.
Keep faith and love and rely upon
The help you get from others
If you are in a similar state
We all are sisters and brothers.
Your consultant and your nurses
Are there to set you right
And once that you recover
You sleep well again at night.
Somewhere, someone else is suffering
And I’d like to let you know
Yes – It’s personal and it's frightening
But you’ve got to reap what you sow.
My poems almost ended
I hope that you’ll discover
Cancer is mainly treatable
And chances are that you’ll recover.
Keep your spirits high
As high as you possibly can do
Lean on family and friends
And see the whole thing through.
I wish you well
I hope that you will find that it is so
That on your own journey
Your travels will help you grow.
My Bladder Cancer Journey
My Bladder Cancer Journey
Has only just begun
Yet like a West End blockbuster
It’s set to run and run.
My Symptoms, like many others
Start disturbingly, passing blood
In between the waves of panic
The stress hit me like a flood.
My GP reviewed the evidence
My guess is that he knew
An urgent request to refer me
Gave an appointment and review.
A Local procedure frightened me
A device that checks you bladder
Inserted where you can’t believe
Diagnosed cancer that made me sadder.
I think I knew that all along
The Consultant then told me so
You have a bladder tumour
It must be operated, removed and go.
What do I tell my children?
What do I tell my wife?
I have a dangerous illness
It may well cost me my life.
Within days I was in Hospital
So scared and so afraid
The worst was almost over
My family and friends all prayed.
How poorly I felt and helpless too
I lay wounded, wasted, tired, upset
As the scars healed within me
I researched and searched the Net.
The day came when half healed
After starving and laxatives left me weak
An IVU X-Ray procedure
Made me stressed and made me weep.
I’d never felt so wretched
So unloved, alone and bled
I’d have taken up any offer
I knew I didn’t want to end up dead.
Results of biopsies and X-rays
Consultations and knowledge provided
Another operation required
To check out what they'd decided.
Waking from this operation number 2
Something wasn’t right I knew
Spasms and pain racked my body
To keep my senses was all I could do.
Results this time were much better
Reviewed and checked and defined
BCG Treatment directly instilled
It sure played a lot on my mind.
Six instillation, rough times heading
It was meant to be so, of course
Renewing the bladder’s lining
Then limiting the cancer at its source.
The waiting is so stressful
Has the treatment worked or perhaps not?
These delays they are upsetting
A letter arrives and your stomach contracts in a knot.
In quiet moments I cried
Too proud to let you see
The trauma and the pain
That racked my mind and my body
My bladder cancer journey
Has only just begun
Now I’m past the first few stages
I'm sure I can overcome.
This poem, the first of many
I hope will put into rhyme
That hope it springs eternal
It happens all the time.
Calling on unforeseen depths
Your body can depend
A positive mental attitude
Will help you in the end.
Keep faith and love and rely upon
The help you get from others
If you are in a similar state
We all are sisters and brothers.
Your consultant and your nurses
Are there to set you right
And once that you recover
You sleep well again at night.
Somewhere, someone else is suffering
And I’d like to let you know
Yes – It’s personal and it's frightening
But you’ve got to reap what you sow.
My poems almost ended
I hope that you’ll discover
Cancer is mainly treatable
And chances are that you’ll recover.
Keep your spirits high
As high as you possibly can do
Lean on family and friends
And see the whole thing through.
I wish you well
I hope that you will find that it is so
That on your own journey
Your travels will help you grow.
That was a bit strange
I'm still feeling light headed I checked my BP and it is normal and not particularly low. I'll have to have a chat with the Doc when I see him next week. Anyway, I had an hour lying down and I'm certainly feeling a bit better.
Light Headed
I think that the tablets and exercise and the drop in my blood pressure is making me light headed. I've noticed it today quite a lot. I'm just being sensible and taking it easy - suddenly getting up from a chair and so on are to be discouraged.
Now it could be a much simpler reason than this - I had my hair cut yesterday so perhaps it is that? :-)
Now it could be a much simpler reason than this - I had my hair cut yesterday so perhaps it is that? :-)
Back to previous levels
On my exercise regime I am now back to 4 1/2 miles a day and that seems to be just about right. You should be slightly out of breath and sweating moderately. I've never fancied being one of those people that looks like they are about to expire after having been exercising.
I worked at a place once where there was a lunchtime running club and everyone looked absolutely knackered by the time they came back. It can't be good for you :-)
I also realise that I am doing this exercise in the morning and that is OK but at some point in time I may need to think about switching when I can do this so that I can fit some work into my exercise schedule!
I worked at a place once where there was a lunchtime running club and everyone looked absolutely knackered by the time they came back. It can't be good for you :-)
I also realise that I am doing this exercise in the morning and that is OK but at some point in time I may need to think about switching when I can do this so that I can fit some work into my exercise schedule!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A great evening and now it is time
To go on the wagon (lay off alcohol). If the posts get intelligent, meaningful and useful you will obviously realise that the removal of alcohol has in fact worked.
On Friday I expect them to be able to find some blood in my alcohol stream!
Wish me luck :-)
On Friday I expect them to be able to find some blood in my alcohol stream!
Wish me luck :-)
Where is my appointment
It has been two weeks tomorrow since I had the cysto and I've not had the letter to come back and have my out patients appointment.
I'm not too worried about that as up to a point they did say what they had seen and what they expected to happen. If I haven't got anything by tomorrow I'll drop them a line. As I'm looking at notable dates this time last week my contract ended and this time next week I will be up in London to undertake a task I never thought I'd make. Now that will be a massive milestone in my recovery as it will mean a lot to achieve something I've always wanted to do. Nine months ago I wasn't certain that I would be around and if I was I'd be in any shape for it either and so to me it is one of those things I'd put in my head as achievements and goals or milestones. Once that is out of the way, a crucial and new era awaits.
I think I had better go set some more goals and milestones - these will be things that I really ought to do now that I am on the mend. I also realise that I haven't listed those down perhaps now is the time to do that?
I'm not too worried about that as up to a point they did say what they had seen and what they expected to happen. If I haven't got anything by tomorrow I'll drop them a line. As I'm looking at notable dates this time last week my contract ended and this time next week I will be up in London to undertake a task I never thought I'd make. Now that will be a massive milestone in my recovery as it will mean a lot to achieve something I've always wanted to do. Nine months ago I wasn't certain that I would be around and if I was I'd be in any shape for it either and so to me it is one of those things I'd put in my head as achievements and goals or milestones. Once that is out of the way, a crucial and new era awaits.
I think I had better go set some more goals and milestones - these will be things that I really ought to do now that I am on the mend. I also realise that I haven't listed those down perhaps now is the time to do that?
Do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?
No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
I just had this vision of that laser cutting towards James Bond and thought that the parallels to having a flexible cystoscopy are too close to call. I mean you know which bit is going to get zapped first right? James Bond is tied to the table, you are not, he still has his trousers on - and you - oh well - that is too much detail for this paragraph!
I wonder if I should say that to my Urologist as they approach with all the equipment. Do you expect me to talk???
No, we expect you to lie perfectly still and take it like a man :-)
I was wondering whether to question the nurses about why they would possibly want to do this job? What motivates them exactly? Could it be revenge :-) If I can think that clearly next time I have one I might ask it but frankly, I'd be in no positions whatsoever to defend myself.
I just had this vision of that laser cutting towards James Bond and thought that the parallels to having a flexible cystoscopy are too close to call. I mean you know which bit is going to get zapped first right? James Bond is tied to the table, you are not, he still has his trousers on - and you - oh well - that is too much detail for this paragraph!
I wonder if I should say that to my Urologist as they approach with all the equipment. Do you expect me to talk???
No, we expect you to lie perfectly still and take it like a man :-)
I was wondering whether to question the nurses about why they would possibly want to do this job? What motivates them exactly? Could it be revenge :-) If I can think that clearly next time I have one I might ask it but frankly, I'd be in no positions whatsoever to defend myself.
Night Out
Lad's night out tonight - the old school friends and we each have to bring 3 jokes along - we ran out of them last time :-)
I have written mine down plus a few extras! After tonight I am on the wagon, especially following the blood test results last week and the wobble that gave me. I will also be on best behaviour and make sure I complete all my exercises and eat properly too.
So, tonight should be fun, organising our 50th birthday party (2 of us are joining together for that) and reminiscing about how it was in the old days! I think it is brilliant that we have known each other for 40 years. Two of them have grown up together so almost 50 years for them.
The recent travails have made these friends very precious (Oops I sound like Gollum there for a moment). Perhaps very special to me or is that just as bad? All those years of growing up, getting married, having kids, holidays together and all sorts of scrapes and incidents along the way. Perhaps even better is that we have remained in contact with more friends from school and so there are probably 15 or 20 that we could still get in touch with.
I have written mine down plus a few extras! After tonight I am on the wagon, especially following the blood test results last week and the wobble that gave me. I will also be on best behaviour and make sure I complete all my exercises and eat properly too.
So, tonight should be fun, organising our 50th birthday party (2 of us are joining together for that) and reminiscing about how it was in the old days! I think it is brilliant that we have known each other for 40 years. Two of them have grown up together so almost 50 years for them.
The recent travails have made these friends very precious (Oops I sound like Gollum there for a moment). Perhaps very special to me or is that just as bad? All those years of growing up, getting married, having kids, holidays together and all sorts of scrapes and incidents along the way. Perhaps even better is that we have remained in contact with more friends from school and so there are probably 15 or 20 that we could still get in touch with.
That's Interesting
Someone wants me to interview for a job based here in the South of England - that will be good.
I'm just ploughing through the details now and it is an interesting proposition. That's cheered me up a bit. Not sure of the full picture and timescales yet but if the first stuff I have read is anything to go by - it could be an interesting ride.
I'm just ploughing through the details now and it is an interesting proposition. That's cheered me up a bit. Not sure of the full picture and timescales yet but if the first stuff I have read is anything to go by - it could be an interesting ride.
Acting as if you are ill
I find it difficult to act normally anymore. There is always something I need to have done to allow me to plan out something or decide where to go.
Trying to commit to things is difficult and I do end up not doing things just in case something happens. I suppose I don't like to let people down and so not committing means that I don't have to last minute someone. I don't like having that done to me.
There is the other thing too, at the moment I don't like the idea of missing or rearranging any appointments to suit myself. If my consultant wants to see me next Wednesday then I'll be there. I haven't missed an appointment yet and I suppose if it clashed with something I could call and rearrange it. Things now aren't so serious (well they are but are not time critical). Again, I know that I'm due 3 or 6 BCGs whatever happens. One way or the other that is two days a week out for 3 or 6 weeks and when will they start and finish. Later this week, another blood test, results next week, a phone call and perhaps (almost certainly) a visit to pick up a new prescription and so on.
If I write off the next two months I should then be clear for 6 months and have no reason to worry about any of these things, any disruption to work (when I find some) and any possibility of getting caught out and having to spend stacks of time off work.
Of course in 2 months time it will be holiday season - I can't win :-)
Trying to commit to things is difficult and I do end up not doing things just in case something happens. I suppose I don't like to let people down and so not committing means that I don't have to last minute someone. I don't like having that done to me.
There is the other thing too, at the moment I don't like the idea of missing or rearranging any appointments to suit myself. If my consultant wants to see me next Wednesday then I'll be there. I haven't missed an appointment yet and I suppose if it clashed with something I could call and rearrange it. Things now aren't so serious (well they are but are not time critical). Again, I know that I'm due 3 or 6 BCGs whatever happens. One way or the other that is two days a week out for 3 or 6 weeks and when will they start and finish. Later this week, another blood test, results next week, a phone call and perhaps (almost certainly) a visit to pick up a new prescription and so on.
If I write off the next two months I should then be clear for 6 months and have no reason to worry about any of these things, any disruption to work (when I find some) and any possibility of getting caught out and having to spend stacks of time off work.
Of course in 2 months time it will be holiday season - I can't win :-)
Comments opened up
I hadn't realised that I had suppressed some comments by using Google account holders only so - sorry!
You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.
Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.
Cheers!
You can now comment but to stop spam robots I've added verification and also, now, I have moderation over comments. I've done that in case someone decides to post something that I (I am sole arbiter) find offensive or off subject I can delete.
Hopefully this should open things up a bit more now.
Cheers!
Settled back down thank goodness
How peculiar that was yesterday - I was almost hyperactive last night. Today I am going to just take things easy and at a slow pace. I have loads of things to do and loose ends to tie up, I need to get some serious reorganisation done as the old company laptop has left a space on my desk that is getting filled up with bits of paperwork.
I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
I have a load of letters to write, I have my party invites to send (guess who's 50 this year then) and I need to start working logistics and plans on that and catch up with my balance sheet - that doesn't balance and try and find out why that is.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Gone into manic mode tonight
I don't know why or what triggered this but I have gone into absolute overdrive and it is now almost 1 in the morning and I haven't been able to stop or slow down on anything. I reckon I could run for about 48 hours non stop I am that lively - even now. This happens occasionally but normally I am working on some project or other - today this kicked in and I could easily run for hours, spend 24 hours at the PC (if I had something to actually do) or some other similar activity.
I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.
I am going to have to work out how on earth to switch off. At the moment I really feel as if I could party all night or something similar. I have no idea where this burst of energy came from. It is pretty strange I have to say and harps back to 5 or more years ago.
Monday, April 23, 2007
I am stunned
By my blood pressure readings tonight. I've come off the beta blockers and I'm just on the ace inhibitors (although we are checking those out with the next set of blood tests).
My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.
No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.
My GP said that he didn't expect me to live like a Hermit last week. Which was a bit too late as I've just put a deposit down on a nice cave too.
No really, my Blood Pressure is way below stupid this evening - 108 over 64. Anyway - I must not complain but I am really amazed by the results. I look forward to seeing my GP In a week and a bit and delivering him my BP readings.
Can Cancer be Funny?
It is a taboo and you don't hear too many jokes about it. Sometimes, you need to have a laugh though and this blog (link below) intends to provide some lighter moments. Patient, carers and family and friends all need to ease the tension and humour is one of the best ways.
Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.
Click HERE
Some people feel uncomfortable with using humour and yet it is a way to keep your spirits up.
Click HERE
Now that is pleasing
I managed to knock another 1/2 kilo off my weight last week despite that breakfast and a bit of a booze session on the Tuesday and Thursday.
This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.
This week of course I am not going to go out and have a bladder full of booze! I shall be taking things very carefully indeed.
Exercising picks up
I didn't do any yesterday but went back to it this morning. I did 4 miles and burnt about 150Cals so happy with that. Not quite up to my full speed and distances yet but I have to be pleased that I got to 30 minutes again so quickly. I feel quite fit despite having been pulled about and I think waiting a little while longer than I wanted at least didn't give me a chance to hurt myself.
Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)
Now to see if I can do this every day and get back on schedule for weight and measurements. It is one of those things that is easier to give a miss than to do. That is the danger of course :-)
Hardly
Up with the Lark - not, after a late night I'm up and ready to face this week. What will that hold? Who knows? I have some stuff that I must get on with and yet I just cannot seem to get the enthusiasm for doing them. Perhaps they might distract me enough this week if I just get on and do them?
My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.
My health is in first place again (where else could it be) but I really shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. It is difficult to get out of that frame of mind and to get on with life but it is the core thing around which everything else revolves at the moment.
Relief
It is 1:45 am and my daughter has just got back from her first London concert. Mum has just picked her up from the station.
Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.
And so - to bed.
Breathes large sigh of relief :-) You have to let go but it is difficult. I daren't think what my parents went through when I used to come back late from being up in London? I used to go to concerts a couple of times a week sometimes.
And so - to bed.
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