Does it really matter - revisited

You know, somethings really do matter to me - more now than before I got cancer and people and their trust and their respect matter to me. I hold ideals and morals about how I deal with most people (until the point at where I have tried my best).

I'd like to really go out of my way and teach someone a salutary life message - but it will hurt so many other people around that one individual. Bit of a dilemma - bring down the house of cards myself or let it fall. Try and help or walk away?

It matters to me that one person may be able to wreck so many lives and yet not be reviewing their own actions and the damage they cause along the way Stop that person doing damage and those around take the fall too.

Life really isn't fair - we just try and be as fair as we can I suppose. If he makes me feel this bad
then perhaps I need to walk away. I didn't cause the problem, maybe I shouldn't be the one to prolong it either.

Does it really matter

And is it important and do I care?

You get to reevaluate things and you get a new attitude - I don't know if it is insight so much as just having a reference point that is now a lot different to other people's. For example, does it really matter about some trivial problem - or to get worked up about it or to need all the stress and hassle when, there are worse things in life?

I now have - perhaps - too much of that attitude - if all else fails I can walk away and get on with the life I have left. Problems are not problems - what is the worst that could happen?

Don't get me wrong I still get involved in all of this stuff on a day to day basis but I have the backup of being able to say "enough is enough" I can walk away and it won't hurt me or the family. That is a real luxury to have. I still like the idea of having a powerful job and making a difference but if I had to give that up, then perhaps I would now. Life isn't a rehearsal.

Yes I did remove a few day's worth of blog entries

Apologies - I was venting some frustration about the people I am working with and realised that it was inappropriate to question their sanity in quite the way I did.

However - as you can gather it is 1 in the morning and I have had very little sleep this week - you can imagine that I am not impressed that their actions are causing me to lose sleep.

Other than that - I am still a little bit stingy still after this week's treatment. Only one more to go this year! This time last year of course I was having my first lot of BCG treatment and was in a lot worse state than I am in now. I look back on the year and consider myself to be very lucky indeed.

Not a good night's sleep

Caused by concerns over the business and also the treatment. I tend to be very warm on the Wednesday following treatment and feel as if I have been hit in the Stomach or just below. Whilst I am glad that I didn't have the typical week 2 effects - I do think that this one is a little worse than normal. However, better to be whinging because I don't have cancer than whinging because I do (I think that made sense).

Anyway back to work!

Difficult not doing anything

I found today quite difficult - not doing anything - I tried not to answer the phone either.

The trouble I now have is that I actually don't feel up to tomorrow's round of problems. The business stuff really is a mess and I can jump in and sort it out or perhaps - what I ought to do - is to leave them to it.

I think I may just give them another few weeks and if they come to their senses then I can sort things out for them - if not, perhaps I need to let them taste the foul medicine.

Life is too short to work with people who aren't taking your advice and digging themselves a large hole. I don't like seeing people fail but perhaps that is what is needed?

Perhaps I should take time now to make all those lifestyle changes I promised myself?

Not the worst by any means

That Catheter hurt this time which induced a stinging and a sharp pain every now and again meaning that you wince, double up and have quite a sharp intake of breath. Perhaps the Nurse, on her own, was rushing about? It meant I looked a little comic walking out of the Hospital and was pretty much unable to do anything except lie down yesterday.

The side effects were moderately bad this time, not the worst I have had on a second one as before - thank goodness - but significant enough to make me feel very tender around the middle this morning and I am still getting the pain described above to remind me as well.

I followed the usual routine and so Ibuprofen and Paracetamol have done their jobs. I have left the phones on answerphone and intend to take things very easy today. I overdid it last week and so this week I intend (as far as it is possible for me) to do nothing for the rest of the day.

Rituals

Have had the Shower. Laid out the pills by the side of my bed. MP3 player there as is my notebook to make sure that I capture what happened to me at each treatment and in case anyone need to know for emergencies.

This treatment can result in some very serious side effects and it is worth keeping a note. I don't publish that set of notes in here as it is boring and a little gory and detailed. You know, how big and the composition of the bits falling out of me :-( Yuk!

I am just waiting a few minutes before setting up the old towels, bleach tablets and bottles, disposable gloves and detergent wipes in the bathroom. I have an old towel under me in bed but I haven't needed that since the first lot of treatment - then it was needed because of how much work the BCG was doing.

Morning flown by

Which is great and why oh why do people insist on calling me as I am trying to get my last food and drink down my neck prior to having to have no fluids for 2 hours? I don't like to be rude but I did have to hurry them along a bit.

So this is the one that in the past sort out the men from the boys eh? I'll probably end up being a Mouse on this one :-) as someone once said it isn't for sissies!

I was about to go on about it but, it hasn't happened yet so perhaps it is best to just see what happens. I hope the catheter goes in better than it did last week though :-(

Oh well, just 1 1/2 hours to go - time to go and get all of my stuff ready.

One for the mathematicians

After tomorrow's treatment can I actually be half way through?

With a course of 3 treatments I doubt I can say that I am half way through if I have had two but it is halfway in time of course. It was funny that someone said that it was halfway and in fact it is 2/3rds of the way!

I am getting ready for it to be bad - like both previous times I think the body over reacts to this one. The first one it probably gets quite a surprise and this time it is ready to fight it off.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday

I didn't want to be working but find myself doing so again. Why do people use their own initiative and then find that their initiative is wrong.

Dumb!

As for me - feeling OK - Getting ready for Monday andtreatment No.2. And if you know anything about my previious treatments - this is the real shaker of a treatment - I reckon the body just goes into meltdown on this one :-) MMmmm Looking forward to that as a Turkey looks forward to Christmas

Cramp

Middle of the night - blimey it was a bad one and I could hardly move I was then awake for three or more hours as my brain went back to the earlier meeting.

I think that these Statins can give you cramps - I don't want another like that - it still hurts.

Still have the job

Not a surprise really. It was emotionally charged - but at least common sense erupted in the end!

I shudder to think what they will come up with next.

Today should mark a turning point

Finally we get a room full of investors together and I can address some of the problems that they face.

It seems crazy to me that we are going into a meeting where two sides know what they want to get out of the meeting and yet one party is going to be very disappointed, perhaps upset about it all.

Me? I will either have a job by the end of the day or I wont. If I don't have a job then I doubt that there will be too much to worry about as it isn't the end of the world. It would be disappointing but not the end of the world.

Slow day

I was slow up this morning. Yes, I had been for a few beers last night but I felt very tired - I put this down to not resting enough yesterday.

I expect next week to be worse and to knock me about severely - I plan to definitely not try and work on the Tuesday next week.

What a nice surprise

A friend from years ago turned up and drove a long way to see us.

We didn't actually go for the bubbly. I had offered to buy some Champagne but no - no one wanted any.

But it was really great that we celebrated. I do have a problem though I just cannot drink like I used to. I really notice that now and it has only been the past few months that have proved it to me.

It is time to change yet another part of my life then - drink will have to go the way of salt and fatty foods.

Yeek - what is there left for your old age :-)

Whoa

What was that just came flying out? That was a shock - you forget that this stuff strips your bladder lining and a great big piece just flew out.

Yuk.

Note to self - "I must stop being so Cavalier about my treatment"

I forget how serious this is - perhaps a defence mechanism but I need to remind myself occasionally that this is serious.

You Forget

How this feels and how it makes you feel afterwards.

I know though that despite feeling I was OK and didn't want to lie in bed that it was the best place for me.

As it was the first one - things weren't so bad. I has some blood and bits but nothing overly grizzly. The stinging and aching were worse than I remember. I am also expecting next week to be far worse. The 2nd one has been the worst in all cases previously so I am going to prepare for that for next week.

I feel like my lower back has been hit and it feels bruised and my joints (Hips, Knees, Ankles, Shoulder, Elbows and Wrists) ache slightly.

Other than that - I don't feel too bad at all.

Ouch

I had quite forgotten the moment the catheter goes in for the first time and muscles its way past your Prostate and pushes past the little sphincter and into your bladder. Eyes watering and those stress relievers earned their money today.

The Urology Nurse is great though and things are over and done soon. I am between the end of the first session and getting ready for bed. I have done my normal thing, had my tablets and so on and thought I'd jut top by here.

I found out today that I am on the European Protocol. I get three of these, a nine week break, another three and then wait twelve weeks and horror of horrors I have to go back in for another operation and biopsies. I was pretty upset about that, I thought I was going to get a flexible cystoscopy - not nice but to have to go through all of that again and a week off is something I wasn't expecting. Something I will have to live with though I suppose.

Right I can feel stinging again and need to go a lie down.

Well - Here I am

All scrubbed up clean and ready to go. In about 30 minutes I'll have had the procedure and can come home and do my usual turning and bleaching the loo and all of that stuff.

I suppose this time I can actually say that It is easy to work out. After today, I am already a third of the way through. Next week 2/3rds (you could say half way but 2/3rd is much better) and then 14 days time it will all be over for a while.

Nice.

I have just about got all of my things back into the "action" position. All I need to do now is get the pills ready and my note book so I can jot down my symptoms etc.

Not looking forward to this

I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't get much warning about the BCGs.

The problem is that it is only a few hours away and I know that I am going to feel rough for 24 hours if not a bit longer.

I must focus my mind on the fact that last time I was there that I had bladder cancer and this time, I don't. That means that what we did then mean that I am cancer free now and that it was those treatments that made it so.

Nothing quite focuses the mind as having a BCG instillation.