I dropped a note to the Hospital and they confirmed that I don't have to go in on the 1st and it is back to plan A. That is finish off the 3 BCGs and then come in 12 weeks later for an operation to take the biopsies. I'd have actually preferred the flexible but there you go.
Good - all sorted in a few hours thanks to e-mail.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
That is a bit of a shock
I just had a letter from the Hospital wanting me to go in for a Flexible Cystoscopy on the 1st February. The reason it is a shock? Well I am in the middle of my BCG treatment at that time and I was told that I would need an operation not a flexible and that 12 weeks after the 11th February. It is also lucky that I decided not to go away that weekend too by the looks of things.
I will have to ring up and see what is happening. I don't mind but it would seem a bit unusual to do this right in the middle of treatment rather than seeing how things had progressed after it?
I will have to give them a call and ask the question I suppose. I don't fancy getting a flexible on Friday and then having to get a BCG one on Monday. Ooh it makes me go all shivery just thinking about it.
At least the Flexible is done at the local Hospital - the first one I had was at a Hospital some distance away and the drive home was excruciatingly painful. At least this way we can be at home in a few minutes and I can just curl up in a ball and be able to sort myself out.
I will have to ring up and see what is happening. I don't mind but it would seem a bit unusual to do this right in the middle of treatment rather than seeing how things had progressed after it?
I will have to give them a call and ask the question I suppose. I don't fancy getting a flexible on Friday and then having to get a BCG one on Monday. Ooh it makes me go all shivery just thinking about it.
At least the Flexible is done at the local Hospital - the first one I had was at a Hospital some distance away and the drive home was excruciatingly painful. At least this way we can be at home in a few minutes and I can just curl up in a ball and be able to sort myself out.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Push the button
It is getting nearer to the the time when I have to do the right thing and push the button and start the litigation process off.
Curiously enough I am a man of my word even if they can't be. I said I would wait for them to reorganise their business before I did anything and await their response. Well they set up their business (new one) last year and still haven't told me so I reckon that in the next few days I will push that button which will send off the forms and set the wheels in motion.
How sad that it should come to this. And again, how many others have suffered the actions of these handful of ignorant, elf-centered, arrogant fools?
You may perhaps have gauged from the tone above that I have little time for these people anymore. Rightly so, I notice that they haven;t suffered any issues because they have been getting paid regularly from the investors! Just a shame they squandered all the money and delivered nothing over 2 years really :-)
Curiously enough I am a man of my word even if they can't be. I said I would wait for them to reorganise their business before I did anything and await their response. Well they set up their business (new one) last year and still haven't told me so I reckon that in the next few days I will push that button which will send off the forms and set the wheels in motion.
How sad that it should come to this. And again, how many others have suffered the actions of these handful of ignorant, elf-centered, arrogant fools?
You may perhaps have gauged from the tone above that I have little time for these people anymore. Rightly so, I notice that they haven;t suffered any issues because they have been getting paid regularly from the investors! Just a shame they squandered all the money and delivered nothing over 2 years really :-)
Co-incidence or...
I got a call from one of my fellow suppliers to the business and it was just as I was dropping off the aforementioned pee sample to the Hospital. He is in a worse position than I am having worked for 8 months and not got anything apart from one payment and he is due money himself. Soundest advice I could give was do he feel that he would realistically get his money back. It isn't just me who is suffering from the morons - there are others too.
Anyway, I then handed in my sample and went to the Library to get a readers' card and came back via the Post Office (Passport and photo) and then via the pub so I have had a good 3 or 4 hours out walking and doing things. I have to say my head feels the better for it!
Plus a few beers and lunch and an hour thinking about "things" seems to have assisted me to move forward.
Anyway, I then handed in my sample and went to the Library to get a readers' card and came back via the Post Office (Passport and photo) and then via the pub so I have had a good 3 or 4 hours out walking and doing things. I have to say my head feels the better for it!
Plus a few beers and lunch and an hour thinking about "things" seems to have assisted me to move forward.
Moving a step closer
I completed an employment tribunal form this morning. I just now need to hit the button for the form to be sent and proceedings to commence. I'm still a little hesitant to do this as it will rain down a level of Government backed legislation on the business that they probably never dreamed off. If they think they are beleaguered after upsetting the majority of shareholders and watching them walk away, they should see what they have unleashed here.
As usual, the pleadings of these people will be those of some oppressed much put upon entrepreneur and yet, they cannot continue to get people involved in their business, use their services and then not pay them.
I feel like someone about to let loose an Atom Bomb by pushing the button. I'm not sure what day will be the right one to press it or what damage will be done? Do they deserve it? You bet they do.
As usual, the pleadings of these people will be those of some oppressed much put upon entrepreneur and yet, they cannot continue to get people involved in their business, use their services and then not pay them.
I feel like someone about to let loose an Atom Bomb by pushing the button. I'm not sure what day will be the right one to press it or what damage will be done? Do they deserve it? You bet they do.
Quiet Sunday
It was thank goodness a quiet sort of day - I carried on experimenting with picking up records and doing online family history searches and worked some more on testing my ideas. I also booked myself onto a course in early February all about becoming a family history researcher which I hope will give me the measure of whether or not to do this.
Next weekend i am at my Family History Society AGM and there is a Family History Fair there as well. I will be introducing myself to a number of stall holders and getting cards and flyers and ideas as I go around the meeting.
Tomorrow is "Wee" day - I need to provide a sample - post BCG - and prior to the next lot. This checks on progress. They have a couple of new tests that I believe they are trialing which can, so I am led to believe, detect bladder cancer by testing urine. Of course, I may be way off beam there but that is what I am led to believe.
Two weeks tomorrow I am back on the BCG treatment. Luckily only three of them. I can't say that I am looking forward to it but then again, at least i wont have the pressure of dashing back to work to contend with and will make sure that I fully recover each time.
As for how I am feeling - well still a little fatigued and I still firmly believe that the tablets are something to do with this as well as general recovery. The latest bit of paper in my pills informs me that I can have Grapefruit Juice but not a lot! Thanks for that. It also warns me about "excessive" drinking and that my Doc should have warned me? Well - I cannot be caught out on that one but I wonder quite what excessive (alcohol) drinking actually is - I suppose over your 1 or 2 units a day? Ho hum well I don't tend to go over the top except for the odd celebration and lets face it there haven';t been too many of those recently :-)
I will have to ask when I see the Doc next. The aches and pains are tolerable and so whilst I recognise these as side effects the pills should be doing good things - more so than the side effects.
Next weekend i am at my Family History Society AGM and there is a Family History Fair there as well. I will be introducing myself to a number of stall holders and getting cards and flyers and ideas as I go around the meeting.
Tomorrow is "Wee" day - I need to provide a sample - post BCG - and prior to the next lot. This checks on progress. They have a couple of new tests that I believe they are trialing which can, so I am led to believe, detect bladder cancer by testing urine. Of course, I may be way off beam there but that is what I am led to believe.
Two weeks tomorrow I am back on the BCG treatment. Luckily only three of them. I can't say that I am looking forward to it but then again, at least i wont have the pressure of dashing back to work to contend with and will make sure that I fully recover each time.
As for how I am feeling - well still a little fatigued and I still firmly believe that the tablets are something to do with this as well as general recovery. The latest bit of paper in my pills informs me that I can have Grapefruit Juice but not a lot! Thanks for that. It also warns me about "excessive" drinking and that my Doc should have warned me? Well - I cannot be caught out on that one but I wonder quite what excessive (alcohol) drinking actually is - I suppose over your 1 or 2 units a day? Ho hum well I don't tend to go over the top except for the odd celebration and lets face it there haven';t been too many of those recently :-)
I will have to ask when I see the Doc next. The aches and pains are tolerable and so whilst I recognise these as side effects the pills should be doing good things - more so than the side effects.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
An escape of sorts
A good afternoon out but I did a lot of the organising and it was very busy and people forgot their words and what they should be doing and there was hardly a minute to spare for me.
Things calmed down and we had a great meal with good company which always makes for a good evening.
I was driving so didn't drink but overdosed a bit on the Tomato Juice and Worcestershire sauce! Nice stuff but three really is the limit on these :-)
So what else to tell you? Not a lot I suppose. I met some people who didn't know the news I was clear and they were delighted and it made me realise that a lot more people care than I thought they did. A number of people didn't even know that I was ill in the first place! So they were shocked and pleased all at the same time.
So it has a been a busy old day and I am ready to hit the sack now. I think someone wants me to be at a meeting in the morning. I imagine that by the time I get out of my pit the meeting will be finished.
Things calmed down and we had a great meal with good company which always makes for a good evening.
I was driving so didn't drink but overdosed a bit on the Tomato Juice and Worcestershire sauce! Nice stuff but three really is the limit on these :-)
So what else to tell you? Not a lot I suppose. I met some people who didn't know the news I was clear and they were delighted and it made me realise that a lot more people care than I thought they did. A number of people didn't even know that I was ill in the first place! So they were shocked and pleased all at the same time.
So it has a been a busy old day and I am ready to hit the sack now. I think someone wants me to be at a meeting in the morning. I imagine that by the time I get out of my pit the meeting will be finished.
Defence Mechanism
Perhaps all that anger, all the emotion and all of the other baggage I am carrying around is me being defensive?
Not sure being defensive against what? Being hurt? Getting involved, not getting involved wanting something different and not wanting to hear everyone's view? I really don't know.
Just another of the funny stages you go through when you come out the end of this sort of experience I suppose.
Off out in an hour or so to a meeting and I hope to have a good time with some friends.
Not sure being defensive against what? Being hurt? Getting involved, not getting involved wanting something different and not wanting to hear everyone's view? I really don't know.
Just another of the funny stages you go through when you come out the end of this sort of experience I suppose.
Off out in an hour or so to a meeting and I hope to have a good time with some friends.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Over Sensitive - Over Reactive
I have been pondering on this. I have become well, to put not too fine a point on it, a little bit sensitive and a little more emotional and a little quick of temper than I ever was before I was diagnosed.
I think I did the feeling sorry for myself bit some time ago and I don't think I had the anger bit - you know "why me". I knew "why me".
It is a disturbing effect as I am not usually afflicted with a sensitivity to criticism, nor do I usually get all choked up about things, or come close to tears or get as angry as quickly as I do these days.
It is a strange result of whatever is going on at the moment. More when I think of it.
I think I did the feeling sorry for myself bit some time ago and I don't think I had the anger bit - you know "why me". I knew "why me".
It is a disturbing effect as I am not usually afflicted with a sensitivity to criticism, nor do I usually get all choked up about things, or come close to tears or get as angry as quickly as I do these days.
It is a strange result of whatever is going on at the moment. More when I think of it.
Nice Spot of Lunch
very nice indeed. A huge Mixed Grill and as usual very good company. We managed to talk very little about our health which was also quite good.
So, what's new? Well we purged the devil on our "anger management" problems. Actually we are pretty good as we will phone each other up or fire off an e-mail and then get a call going to vent some of the anger. At least this way we can keep a check on it.
It is difficult to disguise it when talking to people these days. When you have to deal with a numpty or a bunch of numpties it can get quite frustrating. It is of course down to the "life's too short" or "stupid dumb ass question(s)" or just someone demonstrating general ignorance.
I had the "see it my way" conversation the other day from someone and the one thing I did try and get across was that it wasn't relevant what he felt about the business and why it fell apart as he didn't actually know or understand the details but more than that, the "advice" was made from a position of protecting his interests and not mine!
I suppose I ought to laugh about it but I do get fed up with all this "free advice" that is ill informed, inaccurate and biased towards their interests and yet wrapped up as if it is good for me.
But - having said all of that - things are calming down a bit and I am getting on with some planning although I would want to do a bit more if it wasn't for all the interuptions that are going on.
So, what's new? Well we purged the devil on our "anger management" problems. Actually we are pretty good as we will phone each other up or fire off an e-mail and then get a call going to vent some of the anger. At least this way we can keep a check on it.
It is difficult to disguise it when talking to people these days. When you have to deal with a numpty or a bunch of numpties it can get quite frustrating. It is of course down to the "life's too short" or "stupid dumb ass question(s)" or just someone demonstrating general ignorance.
I had the "see it my way" conversation the other day from someone and the one thing I did try and get across was that it wasn't relevant what he felt about the business and why it fell apart as he didn't actually know or understand the details but more than that, the "advice" was made from a position of protecting his interests and not mine!
I suppose I ought to laugh about it but I do get fed up with all this "free advice" that is ill informed, inaccurate and biased towards their interests and yet wrapped up as if it is good for me.
But - having said all of that - things are calming down a bit and I am getting on with some planning although I would want to do a bit more if it wasn't for all the interuptions that are going on.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
A better day all around
Whilst I was up late I did at least get a good run at putting together the researcher basics and have begun to outline a plan for moving this on.
I hope to have made a good stab at getting back to raising my profile with all the old genealogy groups I used to belong to. That has at least started to get my enthusiasm up for kicking off my research and in a couple of weeks I will be meeting some of the family at a Family History AGM which should once again boost my enthusiasm for getting things done.
I now need to see how difficult it is to access and use the indexes that I will need. It looks as if some of these web based businesses are a bit on the slow side - to say the least - I have outstanding queries with a number of them and so far no one has got back with answers to some simple queries. Perhaps this whole business needs a professional touch.
I am stopping now and going to bed so as not to keep seeing figures and names whirring around - lets hope I can get some sleep and actually get up tomorrow!!
I hope to have made a good stab at getting back to raising my profile with all the old genealogy groups I used to belong to. That has at least started to get my enthusiasm up for kicking off my research and in a couple of weeks I will be meeting some of the family at a Family History AGM which should once again boost my enthusiasm for getting things done.
I now need to see how difficult it is to access and use the indexes that I will need. It looks as if some of these web based businesses are a bit on the slow side - to say the least - I have outstanding queries with a number of them and so far no one has got back with answers to some simple queries. Perhaps this whole business needs a professional touch.
I am stopping now and going to bed so as not to keep seeing figures and names whirring around - lets hope I can get some sleep and actually get up tomorrow!!
A Recharging of the Batteries
I was up late again this morning but slept well. I don't like sleeping in but tend to have a non habitual sleep pattern this past couple of months. I do think that part of this was the business I was in and the effort I put into that. I worked long hours and disrupted my sleep and actually it made me miss a number of things that I wanted to do and I cancelled it for them.
The body must also be repairing itself as well and I think that the 18 months worth of operations and treatment have each taken away that stamina and physical ability I had.
I'm certainly taking things easy at the moment and not knowingly overdoing things. My Treatment starts again in a few weeks time and so I am not planning to do too much in the way of over working or over exertion.
This imbalance is exactly what a number of people have told me about. It isn't that you aren't well as such, it is that your whole body has had a shock and that it is trying to get back to some form of equilibrium. Various things in the body are "out of balance" and this includes hormones which are either too high or too low and competing with each other. I'll be speaking to my friend tomorrow and see if his CHEK meetings are making any difference to him. The hormone balances were all over the shop when he and I last spoke and the problems he was having are more acute than mine.
I'm also a little concerned that the Statin tablets I am taking are also slowing me down a bit as well. I can't imagine the other stuff I take - ace inhibitor and aspirin - are doing this.
I have said that the "D" word doesn't get a look in but really there is an element of that creeping in as well. Some of the symptoms are those associated with depression and I'm aware of them. I'm a pretty positive person normally but the past 2 years have felt like I am trying to wade through treacle. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere fast either :-)
Mid Life crisis? You bet. Decisions I make today or in the next few weeks/months are those that I hope will allow me to move on over the next 10 to 15 years and allow me to do what I want to do and yet at the same time support my family as well. For many years I have held down jobs that weren't that great but paid the bills and he last few were exciting but both came to sticky ends. I want whatever I do from now on to be exciting and challenging, flexible and interesting and pay the bills. The trouble is, can it be done?
The body must also be repairing itself as well and I think that the 18 months worth of operations and treatment have each taken away that stamina and physical ability I had.
I'm certainly taking things easy at the moment and not knowingly overdoing things. My Treatment starts again in a few weeks time and so I am not planning to do too much in the way of over working or over exertion.
This imbalance is exactly what a number of people have told me about. It isn't that you aren't well as such, it is that your whole body has had a shock and that it is trying to get back to some form of equilibrium. Various things in the body are "out of balance" and this includes hormones which are either too high or too low and competing with each other. I'll be speaking to my friend tomorrow and see if his CHEK meetings are making any difference to him. The hormone balances were all over the shop when he and I last spoke and the problems he was having are more acute than mine.
I'm also a little concerned that the Statin tablets I am taking are also slowing me down a bit as well. I can't imagine the other stuff I take - ace inhibitor and aspirin - are doing this.
I have said that the "D" word doesn't get a look in but really there is an element of that creeping in as well. Some of the symptoms are those associated with depression and I'm aware of them. I'm a pretty positive person normally but the past 2 years have felt like I am trying to wade through treacle. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere fast either :-)
Mid Life crisis? You bet. Decisions I make today or in the next few weeks/months are those that I hope will allow me to move on over the next 10 to 15 years and allow me to do what I want to do and yet at the same time support my family as well. For many years I have held down jobs that weren't that great but paid the bills and he last few were exciting but both came to sticky ends. I want whatever I do from now on to be exciting and challenging, flexible and interesting and pay the bills. The trouble is, can it be done?
A Long Day
It was indeed a long day I was up at 5 and picked up my friend and two colleagues and we drove down to Margate for the installation of a new Provincial Grand Master. It was a very well attended affair and I was stand in Provincial Standard Bearer which is a great honour. I was chuffed to bits to get that job.
We had a nice lunch and I dropped everyone off and got home around 4 pm. It was good but a long day.
I got changed, sat down in my chair and promptly had a couple of hours sleep.
An enjoyable albeit a long day. Glad I went really.
We had a nice lunch and I dropped everyone off and got home around 4 pm. It was good but a long day.
I got changed, sat down in my chair and promptly had a couple of hours sleep.
An enjoyable albeit a long day. Glad I went really.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Well
That was a good evening. No one called me a head case for wanting to go out and do my "research thing". In fact all I got was supportive nods and agreements on the basics that I thing are the building blocks of my business.
All a bit worrying - no criticism - no - "you don't want to do that - it's too risky". How strange.
I was expecting a hefty amount of "get real!" "It hasn't a chance!" and so on and yet, looking at this, it looks as if I may be alright.
I have booked a meeting with my very good friend who had his cancer at the same time I had mine. We will meet up on Friday and compare notes. I regard his judgement above many others as he and I went through similar (but not the same) experiences at the same time. His recovery is far more complex than mine though.
We really understand each other and the "feelings" you get being diagnosed, operated on, treated and recovering from this. So, if anyone is going to put a stick in my spokes - it will be him.
We have many a phone call on the utter anger we feel. Far more than any emotion, is this pent up anger with people, politics, management gurus, life coaches etc. I really cannot explain why my normal toleration of these people has gone away. I used to be able to handle them in a professional way and yet now - I just want to smack them in the mouth!
We both need Anger Management lessons and fast. Hopefully we will work this out on Friday.
I am looking forward to that.
Now - I really should be getting to bed as I need to be up in 5 hours and get ready to take a bunch of guys down to Margate for a rather interesting meeting. Au revoir..
All a bit worrying - no criticism - no - "you don't want to do that - it's too risky". How strange.
I was expecting a hefty amount of "get real!" "It hasn't a chance!" and so on and yet, looking at this, it looks as if I may be alright.
I have booked a meeting with my very good friend who had his cancer at the same time I had mine. We will meet up on Friday and compare notes. I regard his judgement above many others as he and I went through similar (but not the same) experiences at the same time. His recovery is far more complex than mine though.
We really understand each other and the "feelings" you get being diagnosed, operated on, treated and recovering from this. So, if anyone is going to put a stick in my spokes - it will be him.
We have many a phone call on the utter anger we feel. Far more than any emotion, is this pent up anger with people, politics, management gurus, life coaches etc. I really cannot explain why my normal toleration of these people has gone away. I used to be able to handle them in a professional way and yet now - I just want to smack them in the mouth!
We both need Anger Management lessons and fast. Hopefully we will work this out on Friday.
I am looking forward to that.
Now - I really should be getting to bed as I need to be up in 5 hours and get ready to take a bunch of guys down to Margate for a rather interesting meeting. Au revoir..
Lad's Night Out!
That is what I need - and I am out tonight for a good few beers and to catch up on the latest gossip. Had another call about the nonsense going on with the last bunch of idiots. Some sort of take-over being planned - which makes for an interesting new slant on things.
Off for the day tomorrow which should be good but out at the crack of sparrows to get down to Margate for a meeting.
Looking forward to a good few beers tonight though and some male adult company!
Off for the day tomorrow which should be good but out at the crack of sparrows to get down to Margate for a meeting.
Looking forward to a good few beers tonight though and some male adult company!
Celebrate and Enjoy
Do you know what struck me this morning? It was this simple fact - that the day I got the all clear those SOBs ate into my celebrations. Then I remember one of them referring to some sort of conversation with me he had on the day.
They robbed me. I am now firmly of the opinion that. If you had been given the all clear from Cancer what would you have done? I had an afternoon and evening drinking with my mates and then went straight to work and worked the weekends, evenings and everything up until the end of November when, frankly it all went pear shaped. So what is missing? Some sort of acknowledgement and event to really celebrate the all clear that's what is missing.
I haven't had closure on that bit of the journey. I haven't had the time to work out what that actually means in terms of living and health. I haven't really been able draw the line under it at all.
Which has to lead me onto the stuff that doesn't happen when you get the all clear. You actually aren't back to normal or indeed likely to be for a long time. After a cold you feel rough for a few days and then you are pretty much back to normal. Well I'm nowhere near normal and no matter what I do I am constantly reminded that physically and more so mentally, I am nothing like I used to be and I'm not sure I'll ever actually get back to normal - whatever normal may be?
So I need to do a bit of celebrating and enjoying the fact that despite everything and no matter what I am actually free of cancer and for that I should be rejoicing and enjoying the fact that I can go and celebrate it.
Now to smash the gloomy little cloud that hovers over my head most of the time and try and move on. Yea right :-) Easier said than done - believe me.
They robbed me. I am now firmly of the opinion that. If you had been given the all clear from Cancer what would you have done? I had an afternoon and evening drinking with my mates and then went straight to work and worked the weekends, evenings and everything up until the end of November when, frankly it all went pear shaped. So what is missing? Some sort of acknowledgement and event to really celebrate the all clear that's what is missing.
I haven't had closure on that bit of the journey. I haven't had the time to work out what that actually means in terms of living and health. I haven't really been able draw the line under it at all.
Which has to lead me onto the stuff that doesn't happen when you get the all clear. You actually aren't back to normal or indeed likely to be for a long time. After a cold you feel rough for a few days and then you are pretty much back to normal. Well I'm nowhere near normal and no matter what I do I am constantly reminded that physically and more so mentally, I am nothing like I used to be and I'm not sure I'll ever actually get back to normal - whatever normal may be?
So I need to do a bit of celebrating and enjoying the fact that despite everything and no matter what I am actually free of cancer and for that I should be rejoicing and enjoying the fact that I can go and celebrate it.
Now to smash the gloomy little cloud that hovers over my head most of the time and try and move on. Yea right :-) Easier said than done - believe me.
For the best
Two people have said that to me today after I told them my work (or no work) story and how I am most probably out of work and starting afresh. I'm definitely coming to terms with this now. I know a friend of mine who is still involved is still keen for me to continue but he isn't going to pay my wages or cover the debts the company have racked up with me nor, I doubt, get an apology for the libel or allow me the satisfaction of watching them negotiate a million other hoops I'd want these jerks to slither through before I'd go back.
For the best is how I think that I would best describe the feeling - more so in a few weeks time when some more of the issues have been ironed out.
The issue still is that I cannot seem to break out of this entirely and let one thing go and the other commence. One is going to be a long protracted illness and eventual death or perhaps hanging around grasping on to lie. The other is trying to be born whilst all this nonsense and non productive introspection is going on.
I have a couple of days and evenings out over the rest of the week and so can enjoy some light relief - at the expense of former "employers" and some much needed recharging of batteries, cheering up of humour and some fresh ideas to be getting on with.
For the best is how I think that I would best describe the feeling - more so in a few weeks time when some more of the issues have been ironed out.
The issue still is that I cannot seem to break out of this entirely and let one thing go and the other commence. One is going to be a long protracted illness and eventual death or perhaps hanging around grasping on to lie. The other is trying to be born whilst all this nonsense and non productive introspection is going on.
I have a couple of days and evenings out over the rest of the week and so can enjoy some light relief - at the expense of former "employers" and some much needed recharging of batteries, cheering up of humour and some fresh ideas to be getting on with.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Things that now make me sad
All the time recently.
I was talking to my friend and we both have this now. it can be at any time and it is a bit like the Black Dog except not as dark and crushingly depressive as that.
Before Cancer and all the treatments and all of that, we were both quite mentally tough, were OK with things like Bambi's mother getting it or some sort of sad event, death, dying, people being hurt and so on. Bambi would probably wipe me out if I saw it now.
Well now, I get choked up when anything sad is on, even if I know it is drama or fiction - even a cartoon can do it. Things that I can't do these days - I realised that last year I made excuses, at the last minute, not to go to a number of funerals. I find anything that relates to someone hurting someone else or being cruel to people (except in certain film genres) really upsets me - things that reflect reality are powerful and yet, sad moments in films aren't violent moments or battle scenes or stuff like that that is fantasy adventure but it is more to do with saying goodbye or knowing that they aren't going to see each other again or some tragedy.
I find scenes where people are saying goodbye for the last time, scenes where some-one's loved one is taken away or is dying or has died and that sort of thing really make me have to get up and go out of the room. I can rattle on about lots of things historically and yet the only scene in Private Ryan that does me is when Ryan asks whether he earned being saved - had he been a good man? That's me - out of the room. What else? Not sure but I really can switch from being fine and upbeat to being almost weepy and I can't predict when it will hit or what will bring it on either. It can be almost anything that does it.
We kicked around the idea that it may be part of the Kubler Ross cycle - like losing a limb and grieving for it, or perhaps that we hadn't had the opportunity to let it all out. Perhaps there is something else going on subconsciously?
It is quite unusual for me to be emotional at all given that I don't have the personality type for it. I am known to be a bit of an ice man and yet when I do get going - you don't want to get on my bad side - I'm not violent - my weapons are words, logic and a hefty whack of sarcasm.
So - why all emotional? It is so unlike me to be like this so perhaps I am grieving for something I lost in the past few years? Maybe my past is dead? Maybe the ongoing uncertainty (BC can come back of course)? Maybe the realisation that I am mortal? Perhaps I now appreciate things that I never did before? Perhaps life is sacred now? My pain threshold is up, maybe my emotional threshold has gone down to compensate? Perhaps I am recognising something of myself in these scenes and I am actually feeling sorry for myself? It could be the current situation and being fed up of being no further on? Perhaps I think too much? That sounds more like me! :-)
Talking of thinking, I've only started to realise recently quite what I have been through and it may be that I am reacting to that. It isn't for sissies as I was once told - and I'd agree with that. You do need to get on with your life and you deal with what you have and what you are going through in the best way you can. No one tells you how to deal with it. Perhaps it is relief or realisation or some other delayed shock? Whatever it is, it isn't worrying me although I have had to leave the room a few times when everyone was there.
I find great empathy with people suffering and I can barely watch certain programmes like that on TV, I have to turn over or turn off. Perhaps it is that - God knows I've wanted to sit down in a corner a cry and let it all out - maybe I ought to - in a controlled way of course :-) I still feel pain in my hand where the cannula normally gets put and in my lower abdomen where I imagine the muscles still aren't back to where they should be. I know that in a few weeks I am back on the BCG Treatments too. I'm also acutely aware that I'm actually doing alright and other people are in a far worse of state than I am and yet, it is all about you at the end of the day.
I tell this blog more than I tell some of the people I know. I've seen the pain in their eyes or in their voices when on the phone listening to what I have done to me and even now a lot of that is for me to know about. No one else was with me when all the stuff happened (apart from the professionals of course).
I'm not sad now- I'm OK but being quite reflective about things. I realised that when I read certain blogs too I get sad. Not my blogs, other sufferers and those who didn't make it. It can be no coincidence that it is also coinciding with some major crossroads in my life and some major choices for the road ahead. There are a head full of emotions, facts and figures, rights and wrongs and past and futures to be filtered, reviewed, filed, dealt with and for a plan to come out for how to move forward again. It is perhaps that too which is making me review all these things and get rid of them, move the emotional roadblocks out of the way and to get on with life.
Blimey - that was a long blog to say that I felt sad sometimes! :-)
I was talking to my friend and we both have this now. it can be at any time and it is a bit like the Black Dog except not as dark and crushingly depressive as that.
Before Cancer and all the treatments and all of that, we were both quite mentally tough, were OK with things like Bambi's mother getting it or some sort of sad event, death, dying, people being hurt and so on. Bambi would probably wipe me out if I saw it now.
Well now, I get choked up when anything sad is on, even if I know it is drama or fiction - even a cartoon can do it. Things that I can't do these days - I realised that last year I made excuses, at the last minute, not to go to a number of funerals. I find anything that relates to someone hurting someone else or being cruel to people (except in certain film genres) really upsets me - things that reflect reality are powerful and yet, sad moments in films aren't violent moments or battle scenes or stuff like that that is fantasy adventure but it is more to do with saying goodbye or knowing that they aren't going to see each other again or some tragedy.
I find scenes where people are saying goodbye for the last time, scenes where some-one's loved one is taken away or is dying or has died and that sort of thing really make me have to get up and go out of the room. I can rattle on about lots of things historically and yet the only scene in Private Ryan that does me is when Ryan asks whether he earned being saved - had he been a good man? That's me - out of the room. What else? Not sure but I really can switch from being fine and upbeat to being almost weepy and I can't predict when it will hit or what will bring it on either. It can be almost anything that does it.
We kicked around the idea that it may be part of the Kubler Ross cycle - like losing a limb and grieving for it, or perhaps that we hadn't had the opportunity to let it all out. Perhaps there is something else going on subconsciously?
It is quite unusual for me to be emotional at all given that I don't have the personality type for it. I am known to be a bit of an ice man and yet when I do get going - you don't want to get on my bad side - I'm not violent - my weapons are words, logic and a hefty whack of sarcasm.
So - why all emotional? It is so unlike me to be like this so perhaps I am grieving for something I lost in the past few years? Maybe my past is dead? Maybe the ongoing uncertainty (BC can come back of course)? Maybe the realisation that I am mortal? Perhaps I now appreciate things that I never did before? Perhaps life is sacred now? My pain threshold is up, maybe my emotional threshold has gone down to compensate? Perhaps I am recognising something of myself in these scenes and I am actually feeling sorry for myself? It could be the current situation and being fed up of being no further on? Perhaps I think too much? That sounds more like me! :-)
Talking of thinking, I've only started to realise recently quite what I have been through and it may be that I am reacting to that. It isn't for sissies as I was once told - and I'd agree with that. You do need to get on with your life and you deal with what you have and what you are going through in the best way you can. No one tells you how to deal with it. Perhaps it is relief or realisation or some other delayed shock? Whatever it is, it isn't worrying me although I have had to leave the room a few times when everyone was there.
I find great empathy with people suffering and I can barely watch certain programmes like that on TV, I have to turn over or turn off. Perhaps it is that - God knows I've wanted to sit down in a corner a cry and let it all out - maybe I ought to - in a controlled way of course :-) I still feel pain in my hand where the cannula normally gets put and in my lower abdomen where I imagine the muscles still aren't back to where they should be. I know that in a few weeks I am back on the BCG Treatments too. I'm also acutely aware that I'm actually doing alright and other people are in a far worse of state than I am and yet, it is all about you at the end of the day.
I tell this blog more than I tell some of the people I know. I've seen the pain in their eyes or in their voices when on the phone listening to what I have done to me and even now a lot of that is for me to know about. No one else was with me when all the stuff happened (apart from the professionals of course).
I'm not sad now- I'm OK but being quite reflective about things. I realised that when I read certain blogs too I get sad. Not my blogs, other sufferers and those who didn't make it. It can be no coincidence that it is also coinciding with some major crossroads in my life and some major choices for the road ahead. There are a head full of emotions, facts and figures, rights and wrongs and past and futures to be filtered, reviewed, filed, dealt with and for a plan to come out for how to move forward again. It is perhaps that too which is making me review all these things and get rid of them, move the emotional roadblocks out of the way and to get on with life.
Blimey - that was a long blog to say that I felt sad sometimes! :-)
University
Oh I'd love to go to University. I got a letter asking f I'd want to do some more studies with the Open University. I did a course a few years ago and had a great time. It was a correspondence course though. however, it was to Post Graduate level and I got great marks in it. The worst thing was doing a 3 1/2 hour exam and feeling as if my hand had dropped off as it was a written test and who uses pens these days?? :-)
Anyway, it would be interesting and I am going to have a look and see if they have any courses for History or Researcher or something along those lines. That would be useful for me to be learning something as well as changing jobs! I see there is also a course in Family History Research which may be just what I need.
We were never really told that we could have gone to University after leaving school and so I missed out - perhaps now I can get back in there and in the words of Darth Vader "Fulfill my destiny"?
Anyway, it would be interesting and I am going to have a look and see if they have any courses for History or Researcher or something along those lines. That would be useful for me to be learning something as well as changing jobs! I see there is also a course in Family History Research which may be just what I need.
We were never really told that we could have gone to University after leaving school and so I missed out - perhaps now I can get back in there and in the words of Darth Vader "Fulfill my destiny"?
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Disappointing
People are disappointing. Not all of them mind you but some people are very narrow minded and very selfish I find.
So Flame ON - it isn't necessarily about BC but it may just get this out of my system :-)
I hadn't considered for one minute that the reason most of the people I was dealing with were being so utterly illogical and weren't facing up to the truth and were (and still are) totally oblivious to the legal repercussions and why their communications to me were ferocious and personal attacks on my character until it struck me today what it actually was.
This business should have unleashed a service that would make millions and that very quickly. I'd always treated it as a high risk although had I known that the back office was missing I'd have walked away earlier.
So my point? These people are only focused on the money. They are blind and oblivious to the obstacles in their way. they can't see those. It will never happen for them because they cannot see further than being mega rich and yet, to actually achieve that, they need to forget that and work on the foundations first. In fact they need to do some work and planning as well but they have been corrupted by their greed.
What is disappointing is that they are blindingly charging into oblivion and for some, legal minefields and certain criminal and corporate proceeding and rather than taking a realism tablet and waking up to it, they are giving me a hard time for bringing it to their attention in the first place. Where they had people(including myself) sympathetic to their cause, they have so royally upset them in just a few weeks that even the hardest of them has walked away. The trouble with that is that they all want their investments back now and these guys are liked cornered wounded animals. They haven't got the money the owe and can see only one way out which is to fight and in fact it will be their downfall.
It is their inability to see past the money that makes me annoyed that and their ignorance of the law and the way that they will trample over anyone to get to their goal without realising that it will eventually be the undoing of them. I told them this in October/November, I read them their fortune and what would happen if they continued to pursue this course of action. They continued, it is falling down like a pack of cards and it is my fault! Yea right!
I am having a problem with the fact that they robbed me of 7 months of my time/effort as the one thing I do know about is time and how precious that commodity actually is. Whilst I don't like to wish ill on people, it would be good if they were banged up for fraud as that way they would have their time taken off of them and be in a position to reflect at last on what they have done. Frankly they should rot in a damp jail somewhere for 5 or 10 years for fraud except they still don't see that or get it.
Yes, I am very disappointed with these people. For robbing me of 7 months time and then making me out to be the criminal. For taking other people's money and not delivering on their promises. For managing themselves into a corner and then blaming everyone else but themselves for their failures. For not being people with souls, backbone, moral fibre and for being liars and taking things by deceptive and fraudulent means. It may not get me my money back but this little blast made me a feel a lot better :-)
Flame OFF
An amusing addition to this is that I was discussing a point of Law referring to a contract when one of the Directors gave the diametrically opposite meaning of the Law I was talking about. Ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the Law, these guys should defend themselves. It won't stop them going down but it will give the Court and the Judicial system plenty to laugh about.
So Flame ON - it isn't necessarily about BC but it may just get this out of my system :-)
I hadn't considered for one minute that the reason most of the people I was dealing with were being so utterly illogical and weren't facing up to the truth and were (and still are) totally oblivious to the legal repercussions and why their communications to me were ferocious and personal attacks on my character until it struck me today what it actually was.
This business should have unleashed a service that would make millions and that very quickly. I'd always treated it as a high risk although had I known that the back office was missing I'd have walked away earlier.
So my point? These people are only focused on the money. They are blind and oblivious to the obstacles in their way. they can't see those. It will never happen for them because they cannot see further than being mega rich and yet, to actually achieve that, they need to forget that and work on the foundations first. In fact they need to do some work and planning as well but they have been corrupted by their greed.
What is disappointing is that they are blindingly charging into oblivion and for some, legal minefields and certain criminal and corporate proceeding and rather than taking a realism tablet and waking up to it, they are giving me a hard time for bringing it to their attention in the first place. Where they had people(including myself) sympathetic to their cause, they have so royally upset them in just a few weeks that even the hardest of them has walked away. The trouble with that is that they all want their investments back now and these guys are liked cornered wounded animals. They haven't got the money the owe and can see only one way out which is to fight and in fact it will be their downfall.
It is their inability to see past the money that makes me annoyed that and their ignorance of the law and the way that they will trample over anyone to get to their goal without realising that it will eventually be the undoing of them. I told them this in October/November, I read them their fortune and what would happen if they continued to pursue this course of action. They continued, it is falling down like a pack of cards and it is my fault! Yea right!
I am having a problem with the fact that they robbed me of 7 months of my time/effort as the one thing I do know about is time and how precious that commodity actually is. Whilst I don't like to wish ill on people, it would be good if they were banged up for fraud as that way they would have their time taken off of them and be in a position to reflect at last on what they have done. Frankly they should rot in a damp jail somewhere for 5 or 10 years for fraud except they still don't see that or get it.
Yes, I am very disappointed with these people. For robbing me of 7 months time and then making me out to be the criminal. For taking other people's money and not delivering on their promises. For managing themselves into a corner and then blaming everyone else but themselves for their failures. For not being people with souls, backbone, moral fibre and for being liars and taking things by deceptive and fraudulent means. It may not get me my money back but this little blast made me a feel a lot better :-)
Flame OFF
An amusing addition to this is that I was discussing a point of Law referring to a contract when one of the Directors gave the diametrically opposite meaning of the Law I was talking about. Ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the Law, these guys should defend themselves. It won't stop them going down but it will give the Court and the Judicial system plenty to laugh about.
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