Do you know what struck me this morning? It was this simple fact - that the day I got the all clear those SOBs ate into my celebrations. Then I remember one of them referring to some sort of conversation with me he had on the day.
They robbed me. I am now firmly of the opinion that. If you had been given the all clear from Cancer what would you have done? I had an afternoon and evening drinking with my mates and then went straight to work and worked the weekends, evenings and everything up until the end of November when, frankly it all went pear shaped. So what is missing? Some sort of acknowledgement and event to really celebrate the all clear that's what is missing.
I haven't had closure on that bit of the journey. I haven't had the time to work out what that actually means in terms of living and health. I haven't really been able draw the line under it at all.
Which has to lead me onto the stuff that doesn't happen when you get the all clear. You actually aren't back to normal or indeed likely to be for a long time. After a cold you feel rough for a few days and then you are pretty much back to normal. Well I'm nowhere near normal and no matter what I do I am constantly reminded that physically and more so mentally, I am nothing like I used to be and I'm not sure I'll ever actually get back to normal - whatever normal may be?
So I need to do a bit of celebrating and enjoying the fact that despite everything and no matter what I am actually free of cancer and for that I should be rejoicing and enjoying the fact that I can go and celebrate it.
Now to smash the gloomy little cloud that hovers over my head most of the time and try and move on. Yea right :-) Easier said than done - believe me.
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