Setting goals and targets

That is my next task. I have some high level things I want to get done and I have a number of "to do" lists lying around and not everything is getting done. The trouble is that interrupts are coming in thick and fast and trying to keep all of the balls up in the air at once is proving a little difficult for me these days.

I'm just not getting on and doing things. I think that it is brought about by this lack of stamina and this inability to break away or to get clear of where I am.

I said that I thought that there is perhaps some anti climax in the way that when you are ill you use your imagination and your sights are set on things - "If I pull through this, I will sail around the world" or "I will climb a mountain" or whatever. The reality is that you are still you, changed a bit, with most of the stuffing and self confidence knocked out of you. You feel things that before you never did, you are over sensitive, over reactive, soft! You don't go and do those things - you get back to living your life and sometimes, that can be a let down (not in a depressing or phone the Samaritans way - so don't worry about that - in case you were - I know you lot!) :-) You know, job, money, house, kids etc.

You take a series of quite major blows to your physical and mental capabilities and you doubt yourself and your abilities. Many will say that isn't like me. I don't have the personality and the bravura that I used to have at all now, I am losing sleep over some idle threat about winning or losing my case. I know deep down inside that I have all of the documentation to fight this. Years ago I'd have loved the fight now I don't fancy it at all. It is actually stressful and it never used to be that. I'm certain that this is part of the healing process and that you don't regain equilibrium for a long time - perhaps years.

You can recover in some way to the physical stuff you go through the operations and the inserting things into your body but you don't seem to get over that they did it to you. It is as if someone got a large spoon and shoved it inside my body and just stirred everything up so that it no longer balances out.

I think I have probably said enough tonight but the holistic must be looked at sometime and perhaps I still treat it like any other illness still. How else can you treat it any other way? That's all you've known?