Further thoughts

Is being given the all clear an anti climax? Do the things you've told yourself to help your recovery mean you will actually ever go out and do them? What is it all about?

Interesting isn't it? I'm readjusting to the fact that - in reality - life hasn't changed that much. I'm both stronger and weaker from the experience and that in both the mental and physical side of the meaning.

Let's take the physical side - I'm feeling a lot weaker in terms of strength - I don't know, let's say to put up a shelf or do something that is exerting. Also stamina - I can't do things for any prolonged amount of time. The only thing that I would say is that I do seem to be able to manage to walk for a long time or exercise - albeit I need to get back to some routine in that area after this batch of treatment. Where I feel I am stronger is my ability to take the treatment and ability to handle the hospital and things they do to me. I couldn't imagine them doing that before. So what is that? Physical pain is easier to handle than it used to be.

Mentally the roller coaster ride I go through most days is the obvious outcome. I go through huge mood swings daily. These used to be weekly if you look back across the blog you'll see the ups and downs. A lot is caused by FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt). These seem to be things that I was never fearful of before - work, what people think of me ,has my judgement really gone, do I mightily p*ss people off these days, paranoia, edginess, nervousness etc. They are little things that gnaw away endlessly undermining your self confidence - and that is the last thing I need eroded.

Before BC, these things were still around of course but afterwards they are magnified and are like huge barriers to get over and just when you get clear and are in an upbeat mood - along comes something else to send you back from whence you came. I'm not overly worried about these things, I know they are here and I have to deal with them. They arrive generally one at a time and you have to get over them one at a time. You can clear one only to have it get back into your head a few hours later. Such is the position I find myself in now that just when I get on top of something or try and finish something off - an event happens that tumbles me back down again. These are like ongoing disappointments, they are annoying and niggling but not like a wall of despair or anything like that - just like splinters really.

A lot of this still has to do with how shabbily the people I worked for treated - and continue to - treat me. Their posturing and white noise and general venom take their toll on me but I should know better. These aren't "reasonable" or "normal" people and yet as with all of "their sort" they are the "bully" and their tactics are those of under the surface terror. Sorry to sound dark about it but - real business people don't act like this. At the risk of sounding like "the victim" - it did get to the point of me asking myself whether I actually deserved this or not :-)

So, each day at the moment is a constant fight to keep on top of and above all this negativity and to try and get back the real me and whilst I know I can never be what I was before, I wouldn't mind getting back my drive and enthusiasm as well as my motivation and to kick this constant procrastination into touch. Oh yes and at least some of my phsical stamina as well please.

Deep and meaningful? Perhaps - I'm sure some reading this would advocate bringing back National Service - it never did them any harm :-)