Ooerrr that wasn't expected

Damn it. Every now and again this happens, flashback, me all upset in Hospital, not recently, when I was a kid and woke to find my arm in a harness where lots of tubes were fed into it. It is one of 'those' horrible moments as I remember being terribly upset about it. As I've said before, many times, if I actually know that is likely to happen I can work through it. As it wasn't it spooked me especially in the drugs they used to use in those days.

It must have been brought about through the letter from the Hospital which arrived today. That was good but in its usual dour tones from the NHS, "The Biopsies were clear with no signs of Carcinoma in Situ or Malignancy" - it goes on to say that I've had the BCG Immunotherapy and BCG Maintenance and that now I would be observed at the Flexible Cystoscopy clinic which is a relief.

So, that's all OK then but that was a horrible flashback - these things are just randomly shoved into your conciousness by your brain (for what purpose I have no idea). Given the shift in my emotional equilibrium even knowing that it is in the past and can't hurt me, it just wrenches away and makes me feel sad.

There is probably something in here about not wanting to go back and that hopefully, this will be the last of it and I can move on. In a way I can but Bladder Cancer likes to come back and revisit even though an unwanted guest and it is the thought of having to go back through the last 4 years again that is perhaps nagging away in the back of my mind. I should try and move on, its the right thing to do but such is the nature of the beast that it resides in the back of your mind to remind you, when you least expect it, what fear is all about. For fear is also at the back of this, I suppose it is an everyday thing that you just fight and try and keep away.

Weekend of Work

Got a lot to do and I'm away for three days next week so I need to do some work here over the weekend.

As usual, I'm working like crazy but no one else back at the charity is as they have other work to do at the same time. I'm a bit lucky as I just get stuck in. Yesterday was close to a 16 hour day - and there was pretty good progress so that's OK. No phone calls and I could complete huge pieces of work.

I didn't even get to exercise yesterday as I just carried on through and judging by my last email at 1 in the morning - I ought to spend a little more time resting this weekend and keep work to a reasonable amount of time. Mind you exciting times and real progress on our new venture too so it is all happening.

Working from Home

Has advantages and disadvantages. It's nice to get up and have no travelling so saving myself a good 3 hours a day - 3 hours that I fill with work but also using 1 hour or so of that to do my exercises.

The problem of interruptions is partially but not completely solved and so in a way it isn't too bad but when I do get an interruption it tends to be a long one. I can play my music through speaker not through a head set and I once I get into the zone I can switch off external noise and just blitz my work.

Yesterday was a case in point - I stitched back my 125 page document, re did all the graphics for it, and did loads of work to get it back to where it was before the guy I am working for tore it apart. It took me most of the day to do that and in the interim I also managed to write a document for our potential designers to produce our logo etc and managed to edit and review another. By the time I had finished I had gone through 8 or 9 hours work steadily and it felt like it had been just a few hours at the most.

Yesterday L got her first year A level results - she wasn't happy with them although, with one exception, they weren't bad - she can stay on to complete them but it has made her re-think her strategy and where to go for University as there isn't much hope to get to some of her choices with these results. As you do, when you are 17, you party anyway and at close to 2 am they arrived home!!! We don't wait up but I didn't sleep properly until the door went. This morning A and her friends left at the crack of dawn to go to the V Festival she wasn't going originally but somehow got to go by some convoluted route! She goes to Reading next week. It's tough being a student.

So I'm a bit tired this morning and trying to get sorted out after late night and early morning not caused by me!

Off to my parents for a few days next week which will be nice - I haven't seen them for close to a year but they moved away a long way from here and it is a bit of a trek - I can get to Paris or Brussels quicker than getting to them!! It's not too bad getting near to them but the last part of he journey cross country takes ages. I'm looking forward to seeing them and we are taking the other car (which I don't drive) so that will be interesting for me having always driven there and back before.

London Calling

Ended up there today and had a good set of meetings, a nice lunch, raised our glasses to the new business and made my way home. For what was meant to be a cool day I ended up roasting nicely in the train on the way home as the sun was out and the sky was blue! Not sure how they got that wrong this time but there you go.

There's lots of construction work going on in town and the Shard is coming along nicely - I can see the number 37 peeping out from below the shuttering. The glass is coming up the building too. There is also stacks of work where they have pulled down the old London Bridge House and all around the Market area work is going on apace.

My business partner and I are both 4 year cancer survivors and so we were thinking that next July we ought to do something that celebrates in an unusual way our statistical survival for the 5 years :-) So we are putting on our thinking caps for that one.

Today we moved on another step after setting the company up and picking up the websites we set to work on our "elevator pitch" our 30 second and 2 minute drills and other key messages. We have such a difficult service to explain - it contains massive technology but not at the customer end, it all happens silently so it is difficult not to draw parallels or to describe. Anyway, we are on our way to doing that as we need to articulate our service and differentiate it. The fun of it all.

I find the whole thing really challenging - which is what I wanted. The work we are having to do to achieve funding is amazingly in-depth but consider the investor who needs to be certain we know what we are doing.

I've managed to still be sat at my desk at 1 in the morning and that is getting too regular. I need to set out working time and rest time as whilst it is all very exciting and full on - I can't do this work if I am not awake, alert and smart.

Rapid Progress

As I used to joke at work was running between meetings!

Today brilliant, we incorporated the company and we grabbed our domain names. I'll post it all up once there is something to see but today it all started to become real. The last 2 months has been really hard slog and finally we have a name, an investor and customer pitch, a new language, plans for the next 6 months and most importantly an identity, that's most important.

Today felt like we were finally tuning the corner or getting over the top of the hill. Of course there's lot more to do but three significant milestones have been met and we can move on a little freer than we have been.

I've blitzed the exercise today too and will go and wind down with a shower in a minute. My Blood pressure is getting back to closer to 120 over 80 now which is excellent too. A bit more hard work and a few more pounds weight loss and I hope to stabilise at that sort of level.

Today's been a real buzz and a rush all in one.

All here

A returned from Edinburgh dragging a photo enlarger, red light, photo chemicals and assorted dark room paraphernalia. Now she is only small and even with the assistance of her boyfriend you have to admire her tenacity bringing it all the way home by public transport. She has done well as on Freecycle (a way of offering unwanted goods for free) she found someone getting rid of a professional enlarger which Mrs. F. Picked up. The donor also gave her a professional SLR Camera as Mrs. F. was explaining she was a Photography University Student.

She now has two enlargers and somewhere in the house (or maybe my shed) we can set up a darkroom for her. I am most impressed though that she is getting things sorted herself and taking advantage of cheap alternatives to me having to fork out for all this kit. Amazingly, you can pick up a 35mm camera body at an absolute steal on eBay etc because no one uses them anymore. We have already picked up a number of compatible camera bodies that will allow her to try out all sorts of different set ups.

So now we are all back together again as a family it is most strange - the house is full and things are happening all over the place. I'll see how long I can last with that and the clutter and chaos that No.1 daughter brings with her. She's a bit of a whirlwind and leaves the house as if a small Tornado has whistled through the corridor!

I'm impressed with a new web site www.we7.com which is an internet juke box - amazing on demand songs and playlists etc. Very good.

My business partner is over in the morning and having rescued the dining room from becoming a photo shop, we will make big progress tomorrow as we go for the registration of our company and all the other stuff that will go with that. It will all become real soon, it is all a bit like the phoney war but I can see it taking on its own life once we give birth the the company tomorrow.

Exercise

What a pointless thing exercise can be. Stepping, running half cycling on my cross trainer for 30 minutes.

I know it does me good, I can feel it and results are good. It just seems most bizarre doing 30 minutes and going nowhere. Interestingly I am now back to where I was about 5 weeks ago - getting nearer to elusive 8kM in 30 minutes mark (about 5 miles). Today I did 7.8kM and I feel that in a few weeks I will have enough stamina restored to try and go for that.

I have changed my MP3 to give some more pop and rock type tunes so that I can run to the beat which helps maintain cadence.

This week I hope to get back to the straight and narrow a bit and eat bit more sensibly than the last two weeks. Here's hoping that is the case.

The trouble with doing a late night

Is getting going in the morning. It IS Monday so there is that added complication and I have now gotten up to some sort of speed with my work. The added complication is that I will have to work on this and on my consultant commitments for the charity at the same time. That will be fun :-0

The nice thing is that we have started to emerge from the really heavy bogging down work needed to start a business and get into some sort of momentum. I did loads of work at the weekend which has moved things on nicely. We have a company name and are checking out domain names and finally I've managed to get some real progress into breaking down the business in to some sensible departments to take it forward. There is just so much to do. For such a simple concept, the complexity of the back office is incredible. SO big is it you have to apply 'Elephant eating' techniques to it - How do you eat an Elephant? In lots of small bits.

Actually the fun is the journey in this - we are pushing the limits of our experience and knowledge and seeing how far we can take this. At the moment it is just hard graft but once we get up to speed with this it will accelerate and it will be a nothing ventured nothing gained sort of effort. The journey is far more important than the outcome at the moment although I feel that the outcome is now becoming important because we can see real substance in what we are doing.

It drew some amazed looks when I explained that I was setting this business up at the party yesterday. Not many people can just quit their jobs and go out on a limb like this. As my business partner and I are both cancer survivors I think we just have a different view on it. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'd need to find myself a paying job in the New Year if this doesn't come off. If it does come off then I'll have a paid job!

L is asking for a lift to her friend's house. Dad's Taxi service is needed. It will be nice to get the Jag out for a run :-)

Early Night - Obviously Past Middle Age

I HATE it when we go to my friends for a party and at just gone 9 everyone wants to go home. Then Mrs. F. wants to go home. So at 9:30 we have to get going and so home before 10 and I'm wondering why and perhaps how it has come to this. I mean - we never used to start a party until 9 and so to come home before we used to start.

So I'm sat here n front of my TV and Mrs. F. has hit the sack. It is just gone 10 and so I've put on one of my FAV films - "Pulp Fiction" - there's something disturbingly interesting about Quentin Tarantino's films. I enjoy his cinematography and his dialogue. Samuel Jackson's character just cracks me up every time I see it.

So - me? I could carry on all night. What a great time my mate GP and I had when we were kids. When I moved here from London 43 or more years ago he was my very first friend and we have been friends ever since. When I first went to school he was the first person I ever met and his Dad died of cancer just as I was diagnosed. A deep thing.

His children, whom I've known all their lives were there tonight, they are just lovely people and it was great to see them but a shame my girls weren't there to meet them.

Having had a great evening I was a little annoyed that it all had to end at 9. I could have gone on for hours. I was also surprised that so many people commented on how I didn't sit down - I just don't these days. It was also quite amusing that I was going for seconds of salad stuff. Someone, I have no idea who it was was amused as I arrived at the table and said, "There's something I would never have heard myself say 10 years ago - Mmmm, more salad - lovely!"

Mind you it was nice - Rocket and Parmesan, home-made coleslaw, baby tomatoes and so on. Of the Barbecue I did do some road kill (as you do!).

So - as usual - I want to live and go for the moment. Everyone else? They just want to go home early.

Oh well. Beer and Tarantino - excellent - one of my favourites :-)

A Little Disappointing

I put on 2 pounds this week so am 226 Pounds or 16 stone 2 Lbs. Not surprising as I have been out three times this week and I'm sure the Curry on Thursday - as I went for the full mixed grill didn't help. However, I'm not too downhearted about it, I have a birthday barbecue to go to later and after that I hope next week I can get back to some serious training and back to normality with the diet. I've just reminded myself that I was at work in London on Monday as well at which there was a very tasty buffet. So for four days this week I have had bread in some form or other and I very rarely have any at all.

My diet is really just keeping away from bread entirely. I have pasta or potato to input carbs which you must have. I tend to eat a lot of fish - sardine, pilchard, crab sticks (which are fish in reality) and tuna and mackerel. Lots of salad and fruit, nuts, dried fruits, pro-biotic yoghurt and plenty of soups. I eat cottage cheese a lot and I use pickles just to spice up what can be quite bland tasting items. Other than that, I have the occasional dressed crab, piece of ham or corned beef with a salad and I have a roast dinner on Sunday. The other ingredient? Don't snack, if you need to, eat fruit or vegetables. Don't eat past 7 pm. That isn't easy either so again, I'd probably drink tomato juice or have some fruit and break my own rule. It is pretty difficult not to do this but works I think.

I managed to squeeze a 30 minute session out of the exercise regime on Friday but missed yesterday out - I lost all track of time. This week should be good - I think there are few distractions and I hope that I can get back on track with the diet, the exercise and with lowering my weight and blood pressure. Work is really picking up pace and I've also got some work from my consultancy to do as well.

Worked out OK - kind of

I got away to the Jazz and that was nice - I met some people I haven't seen for a while. A friend was serving behind the bar. Mrs. F. Called and came along too (that's highly unusual). There was a terrific band and he Clarinettist was brilliant. Why then, when it was a premium event, do people have to talk through the music and even through the man introducing the songs. It's just bad manners. These weren't my age either, these were my parent's ages. I suppose they just come out for the social with some "background music". Nevertheless - it's another one of those things that never fails to wind me up. At least they weren't singing loud and out of tune like a concert I went to a few years ago. Unfortunately it is also a very strong trait inherent in an INTJ who need the certainty of stable environments and personal space together with courtesy and manners.

However, people were up and dancing and enjoying the show which went on until 11:30. So when we got back to still find 20 or so fancy dressed heroes and villains in the house I expected that I'd be a little bit annoyed but all I did was start tidying up and turning on some lights (that sorts them out). By the time I'd got to cleaning the garden and picking up the plastic cups and discarded tins and bottles!!! Many had gone. So by 1 am I was hitting my bed. It's amazing what kids these days drink at parties. We don't provide any alcohol if they want any they bring their own. Vodka, Scotch, Alco-pops, Some sort of strong cider and wine. We used to have light beers and cider but spirits were almost unheard of - the sheer cost involved were nightmarish.

Anyway - apart from the floors (wooden thank goodness) looking like swimming pools where people came in and out from the garden I suppose it wasn't too bad.

Compromise best of both worlds!

Tents and Gazebos are up and the rooms are cleared - so that means in and out all night. I feel like going up to the Jazz evening at the Sports Club or at least going to the Pub.....

Mrs. F. Suggested we should have gone out for dinner tonight. Nothing stopping that until she realises she will probably want to "police" whatever is going on.

I have to admit to not enjoying such things. Out of my control and I'm a control freak, I can't "manage" the situation or stage it the way I want. Best I disappear off out and a night of Jazz will be OK I reckon. I haven't been on a Friday for years and years. Should be fun and I can get back as they turn out of the house which will also be good for me.

Damn weather

Means that L's birthday party is now to be held inside. Thunder storms on the way and heavy rain and rather than have them traipse in from the garden and make the house sodden they can stay inside and get sodden :-)

I hate these sorts of parties - I'm 6 foot and all the kids are taller than me - I was in Hospital this time last year so it didn't matter but the year before two of her "friends" nearly got the benefit of my wrath. They certainly weren't impressed with the verbal abuse I gave them and that shut everyone else up. I will be issuing a stern warning that if anyone really wants to give me any back chat or be "smart" with me, they will have to deal with the same acid mouthed response I'd give to anyone who was abusing my hospitality.

That said I don't have a problem with people enjoying themselves just those who can't hold their drink but more especially can't keep food on their plate. Accidents happen - 90% of people are caused by accidents! However, if you drop food or spill drink then clear it up don't tread it in and then pretend it's funny. You certainly ain't going to like it when I throw a wet tea-towel or cloth at your head and make you do it no matter how bloody big you are. So they will be warned that it is MY house, they are guests in my house and they will treat me with respect of they will be thrown out. These are kids but that's no excuse. A's friends were never like that its just this mindless minority and their selfish behaviour.

Well that's that off my chest. Damn weather - I'd have been able to isolate the little apprentice human beings out there if it wasn't for that!

Flame off. You must think I am some sort of spoil sport but it annoys me that I should clear up after these people and be treated like an alien when asking them to clear up the mess they made.

Bang and the diet's gone!

I was working pretty hard today and time flew by. L arrived late from Scotland so I had to do some driving chores to get her here, changed and back up to London for Billy Elliott. The man who was scheduled to pick up stuff from me didn't appear.

Mrs. F. got in and hadn't eaten anything, I was about to exercise having been delayed for an hour in case matey boy turned up. However - such was Mrs. F's hunger we repaired to our local Curry House and had a very nice meal. I managed to wash mine down with 2 pints of lager.

Hence - diet has broken down a bit today. L's birthday today - blimey 17 years ago - hardly seems possible but there you go, possible it was.

PC has been giving me grief all day hence it is 1 in the morning and I'm still doing stuff to try and get it to work properly. I recollect that Microsoft sent updates along earlier that I put on. Can you guess what has happened to my PC? Bound to be - they always manage to screw up something or other.

More things to concentrate the mind

I've a little bit of a sweet tooth but have been really cutting back these past 2 months but I still use sweeteners in my coffee (not Aspartame - Saccharin based). However, the more I read about this the more uncomfortable I felt about using those too.

Today in Steve K's excellent blog is some more news about Sugars, Nectars, Honey and Fructose that really made me sit up and take notice. It appears that the sort of things that you take for granted when you are healthy really need to be further reviewed when you are under threat. Bladder Cancer just hangs over you like the Sword of Damocles as it can return out of the blue and that of course can pretty well mess up your day I can tell you :-)

So to find that potentially natural sugars will do what I knew some refined sugar does and what allegedly Aspartame does is pretty worrying.

I think I need to consider what to do about this for the future as part of my healthy eating regime. I managed to give up salt in about 6 weeks after the initial shock to my body. I now hardly touch it and can tell if something has been cooked in or seasoned with salt. Now that my Blood Pressure is reasonably under control I'm not so worried about having a little salt but just choose not to. Perhaps I will review what sugars I'm ingesting and see whether I can cut back or remove them. The trouble is so much is in prepared foods etc.

Exercise continues

Another 5kM in 20 minutes - it felt a little easier today - and a little shorter - I hope to gradually get better at the 20 minute and then get back to 30 again which I feel is the optimum.

Had a good day today - business partner around and positive moves forward again which is good. I just need to knuckle down now and get on with the in depth planning work - easier said than done - lots of silly distractions which I hope will go away in the next few days.

Exercise the gradual return

I've got back onto the cross trainer and this time did my three peaks routine but only for 20 minutes not my normal 30. I did well though covering 5 kM in 20 minutes including 3 pretty stiff simulated climbs is fine.

I can feel how weak my middle is now - it never ceases to amaze me quite how they must pull you about in Hospital to leave you feeling like this.

I'm sweating up nicely which means I did actually do some work and I've even given my weights a few minutes too (I know I said I wouldn't but I have gone easy).

It is a shame that Steve K in the US has had to call off our weight loss competition but Steve has stayed about the same whilst I have to admit I'm dropping weight quite readily. I'm guessing that I'm just getting back to the weight I was prior to living it up too much last year on the Cruise and just over eating.

Just on diet - I am still keeping away from bread entirely and have one large meal a week on Sunday - some sort of roast meat and potatoes etc. During the week I eat crisp breads and rice cakes with a variety of fish or curd/cottage cheese a little low fat hard cheese. I have soup quite a bit and salads. I also have the odd jacket potato with Tuna or Baked Beans and tonight I will have some pasta with seafood of some sort in it, probably crayfish tails and squid. I have some dried fruit and nuts every day now, apricots, prunes, figs, Brazil, hazel. almond and walnuts. A daily pro-biotic yoghurt and that's about it really. I'm really good with portions of food too these days and hardly ever over eat.

The way it works out

Finally no children around until Thursday late afternoon and where is Mrs. F?? Working - she signed up for that a month or so ago (normally she has summer off as a nursery school teacher) and so I'm Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone.

Not that I mind that but it would have been nice to have spent some time sans kids. They look to be enjoying themselves at Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

At least I can get on with work I suppose and can listen to whatever music I like - hey - it isn't so bad after all :-)

No Kids

hardly kids. L has arrived in Edinburgh and her sister has sent photos of them feeding her in case we were worried!

I'm getting ready to blitz my work for the next 4 days now today is out of the way. I might try and get back to exercise tomorrow if I can but maybe take it even easier than the last time. I'll give my weights a miss for sure.

After Work Drinks?

Nope - got jilted. No one remembered to let me know that they couldn't make it. At least I left work early and got home in reasonable time too so nothing too bad came of it.

Next trip up there is next Month but picked up a fair bit of work to do in the meantime which will help fund what I am doing on my own stuff.

It was strange going back up to London and seeing the same old faces on the train and on the walk to the station.