My Goodness - The Sun

Has come out it feels like for the first time this year - clear blue skies, warm, daffodils crocus and buds - suddenly everything looks a lot better - it seems to have been a dark, grey and thoroughly depressing winter this year and maybe this will start to lift our spirits a bit. Hard times for many at the moment and austerity measures are about to bite with the budget due this coming week we can only imagine what other burdens will be put on us to repay the debts the country has racked up.

The world seems to be in a bit of turmoil at the moment but - hey - we've got a Royal Wedding in a month or so that should be fun - I don't want to be called out at midnight to go fix things in London trying to get through the crowds and park the car and sort out some software glitch at a customer's premises!!! What a nightmare that night was!

I keep forgetting I've had some interesting times in the past - that was another one of those things you take for granted but was actually an amazing time.

Let's hope the sun stays out for enough time to warm us all up and lift the depression of the past 4 or 5 months.

The Cancer Bond

By which I mean the immediate empathy you have when anyone you know tells you they have Cancer. Straight away you are in the zone and don't need to go through the awkward questions to start with you can get straight into the conversation about what you've got and what stage and what treatment and how do you feel etc.

Suddenly you are sharing diagnosis, treatments, tiredness, head issues and the lot. Mind you it is a bit difficult when you find out that they are terminal or things "don't look good". That's still a difficult one to talk conversationally about because what exactly do you say? It is all twee and it doesn't matter as they are coming to terms with mortality and you aren't and have no idea what that is like other than the initial stages of the disease when you thought that it was going to happen to you.

It's as difficult to talk to someone who is dying even though we share the Cancer brother/sister hood of this most awful of diseases. There are three people I know who are now on the run down and I find it more and more difficult to find something worthwhile to say to them that doesn't sound as if I'm about to say something like how lucky am I that I am not you (that sounds horrible but you can understand why you'd think it).

Perhaps I need to confront my demons again and see if I can't work out a way to do this. I just feel acutely aware of how lucky I am not to be in the same situation as them and I can't put myself in their shoes as I don't want to go back to that dark place again. It played on my mind and it was a dark and horrible time. Self preservation kicks in, I'm prepared to talk about Cancer and discuss the treatments and side effects and all that but not the inevitable outcome of some sufferers who have the worst prognosis. Hopefully I'm not a bad person for that - it makes me feel a fraud sometimes that I cannot face it but in reality I know very few people who can.

Resigned Feeling

I have that today. Last night I was a bit put out as there was an announcement that didn't make sense. Suddenly all the rules got changed and a number of us were left asking the question, what do we have to do to be recognised and be rewarded. It really doesn't matter too much what I'm rattling on about at the moment other than to say that someone got promoted and no one understands why he should be preferred over a number of us. It's not the person, I know him and he's a good chap etc but he's hardly done the years or the input to achieve such a promotion so soon. What has happened just de motivates and cheapens the whole thing so I'm now just going to do what I do and not put myself out or volunteer to do any more than I currently do now. It's not worth it. It's a shame but by devaluing the whole process this way, a huge number of people were left disappointed because we quickly realised that the goal posts have moved.

I will just back away from all the stuff I do and spend a bit more time dedicated to myself. When it is all going one way like it is now, then you may as well go back to looking after yourself.

House full of sick people

L has been ill since Saturday, A has just gone down with it, Mrs. F. has been up to the Doctors for a stomach complaint too. Me - I feel this bad ALL the time :-)

I've had a silly cough for weeks now and it was only that it was mentioned tonight that I thought about it. Better get that checked out if it is still with me next week!

Been a good day in a way we spent time on the business and realised how utterly complicated it was :-) No bad thing so we simplified it and we decided on a set of actions to try and rationalise the financial plan to make it less cumbersome. We are getting to the exciting, nervous, doubting, worrying, don't believe it bit in the process where the finances and plans all come together and start to make some sense. Well they would do if it wasn't for the scale of the ambition and the scale of the problem we are tackling. It's all good fun though and will keep us busy for the next 2 months I reckon. We will probably have to consider that we will have taken a whole year to actually get this far but the amount of work we have put in is commensurate with the amount of money we need to build the business.

I hope that everyone in the house feels a bit better tomorrow than they have today. I don't want to be ill as it is one of those pleasant evenings coming up tomorrow where we get to sit down for dinner with about 300 others for our Officers' Mess. I can get there by bus and so have a drink or two and Mrs. F. (if she is fit enough) can come and pick me up later.

So It's OK to have doubts

In everything, it's OK to doubt yourself and I found that it is the same in business and in sickness and in many things. I do find that I doubt myself perhaps a lot more than I used to. It is a good thing although it can also be disruptive. I think I used to have few if any doubts before bladder cancer, I steamed along and was pretty confident, very much knew what I wanted to achieve and how I was going to get there. I was pretty much the self made man, successful and a little arrogant - which I needed to be to do my job. Probably am still a bit arrogant I guess but nowhere near like I was before and as I've suggested before, Cancer rips away so much of your self esteem and confidence.

So the weekend was awfully tragic with the Japanese earthquake thing happening to which I heard today one of my friend's was involved in but they are OK and travelling back to the UK today.

It was nice to get out to our Lodge meeting on Saturday and get involved in that. We had a good time and met up with some guys we haven't seen for a long time.

It was after that when I started having one of my doubting moments. Basically I was questioning the sheer audacity of our business plans. It is a plan of major scale and ambition and, we feel, well supported by three years work (part time) and getting close to 9 months work full time. That's just to get the business plan together to start up not to go to production!

These doubts are good. Why? Well they make us question ourselves constantly. Are we barking mad? Have we thought it through? Does it make sense? If you don't doubt yourself and just blindly blunder on I'm certain you'd come a cropper. At least by constantly testing ourselves and having these doubts we are keeping things sane and ensuring we are fully prepared to review, make changes and move on. Things just have to be right and checking like this ensures it is. Of course, it isn't nice to keep doubting but if it plays its part in making sure we have covered everything then perhaps it is worth it.

Poor Japan

How awful, I woke to see the news and just felt sick in my stomach to see the tragic consequences of the Earthquake and Tsunami unfolding in real time.

Perhaps we should all learn something from that and those scenes. I saw a car running ahead of the waters but it looked to me as if it eventually had to succumb. Just one of many thousands of tragedies this day.

A meeting in London today broke the mood and I met up with a very old friend which was great. Unfortunately he had to work and so the meeting was short but I do hope that we will get him to join us in our venture, he can bring so much to the party.

I'm feeling a lot better at the end of the week than I was at the beginning so I ought to be thankful for that.

Even Better Today

Gradually improving situation brought about through the realisation that we are more advanced than we thought we were, we have achieved a lot despite all set backs and that we thoroughly researched our business.

Had a good day today and also a good night out with some colleagues - a nice beer and a Chinese meal - which was excellent, as always, and reasonably priced too. It's still difficult getting these guys to commit. Frankly I'm not surprised as we don't have any funding yet and so to ask young guys with commitments at home - young families too - to come along with us will obviously be one hell of an ask. such is the life of a start up business. No money and no people. When we get the money we can get the people but it's all a risk and you can see that these days, no one wants to take the risk despite what rewards may be there in the fullness of time.

Lots of people despise those who build businesses and yet, if they knew the half of how downright difficult it was, would give up at the first sign of hard work.

Better today

A lot better thank goodness. A night out with friends appears to have done wonders and a day steadily persevering through my workload also helped - as did an extra hour in bed I gave myself this morning.

Later today - as it is past midnight - my business partner will be here. We will have an interesting time as we surely are entering the end game and we are on the last lap. Of course there is a possibility that the 5% remaining will take 95% of the effort but, what the heck, let's get on and tackle it.

I do need to do some serious soul searching though and I need to try and relinquish doing so much. It was fine for a while and even the last 5 years I haven't really given up that much in terms of the things I do. I've back seated the family history for a while. I suppose that it is pretty good that I have done so as I used to spend at least a day a week on it at peak and one year (2001) spent 6 months doing it. Hence I have a 700 page family history web site. Mind you I haven't been able to do much with it these past 10 years - I think I updated it in 2003 and that was the last time. I keep the records straight and that's about all these days.

I still could drop off more things. I really find it a struggle to do the accounts for the Lodges but I'll do them, it just takes away more of the little leisure time I do have.

If the business takes off then I'm going to have little enough time to do things I want to do. Building the business will be full on. Of course, if we don't get any interested investors then plan b will have to kick in whatever plan b might be :-)

Maybe its that thought that makes the next few months interesting but is probably bringing me up short. It's fair enough to doubt yourself, we all do it. It's understanding what it is that's making you doubt that for me is difficult. It appears to me that you never actually "get over" your cancer. You can never just park it and carry on, it sticks around like a perpetual shadow following you wherever you go and even if you haven't thought about things for a while, every now and then you'll catch a glimpse of it haunting you and bringing you back to where you don't want to be ever again but where you know, with BC, you just might be.

After a Curry

The world seems to be OK. Again, all my firends there all talking about their deceased fathers and of course my dad is very much alive. I kind of lived with that.

A nice curry - very nice indeed, my local curry restaurant does a very respectable curry and I had the Lamb sautéed in Sambucca. Mmmmm.

We did the usual rounds of jokes and had a good deal of fun but somehow, I'm still not 100% me at the moment. I do my best, we had a good time but I was below my usual effervescent self.

I'm thinking that it is definitely the "end game" that is making me like this and that we (collectively) have moved on and transitioned in this last week. It's all real now, very real - that's frightening and not a place that's nice to go to - a big challenge but also a test of our mettle. I just need to convince myself that I am up to the job. I doubt myself too much, too often and I know I can do this. Let's face it, this is a walk in the park compared to what's happened to me in the past 5 years!

Stil not much better

Got a mountain of work to get through and I guess losing half the team isn't actually helping - not that they actually did that much. Seeing it stretched out before us is a bit daunting and perhaps that's part of this quite depressive mood I'm in.

It is what it is though and I just need to get on and do it. Perhaps I'll cheer myself up with my mates later. That normally does the trick.

This isn't a good place at the moment

I cannot put my finger on what it is at all. I'm just not in a good place at all at the moment. I feel lethargic, slow, stressed (but not to breaking point) and generally out of salts. It's just bizarre as it has only kicked in these past few days.

It's almost as if I know something is about to happen and yet I don't want it to. Something coming down the line that will affect the way the rest of the years will pan out.

Whatever it is, I do hope I shake it off before tonight. I'm out with some friends (all my old school chums + 1) for a curry and I want to be on better form for that. I'll probably rise to the occasion - I managed to last night when we were out.

I hope I get out of here soon, I feel pretty down and depressed at the moment and cannot for the life of me understand quite what has brought it about. Perhaps it is that we are getting near to an event that could shake up my world and perhaps, deep inside, I just don't want to be there or perhaps I'm worried about going there, which is strange really considering that's what I want. Maybe there are some worries about what that will mean to my family, my friends and ultimately to me?

Changes

I've been a committed (not in the sense of being stuck in an Institution) Freemason for 28 years this month. In all those years I've been - as far as I can be - a useful person, doing various roles and working my way from the early beginnings to being a reasonably well known person in my local Province. I even worked for 2 years or more in the heart of the organisation doing my charity piece and setting up a new area for them in the worlds of PR and Communications.

This weekend, I get to do some of the ritual work as Worshipful Master of the Lodge (just for a stand in appearance) something I haven't done since I was Master in 1991 apart from odd stand in roles. It will be nice to get up into the limelight once again.

But there's something not quite right at the moment about it and it's to do with the business and also my concentration on the work in hand, getting this company rolling. It's taking time and a lot more effort than I thought it would (if you look back over the past 2 or 3 months posts you'll see why). But more than that I'm feeling tired and disinterested at the moment and perhaps somewhat jaded in my outlook. I'm still Treasurer of 3 units, Chaplain of a further 2 and I kind of realised that I don't have the commitment that I once had for this any-more. Hell - I'm getting tired of it taking so much of my time and in a way, whilst I enjoy it very much I dislike the way things are panning out these days. There's a lot of politics being played and somewhere along the line we've lost the meaning of it all. I'm thinking that pulling away from this over the next year or so and leaving it to the youngsters to pick it up is the way forward.

I'd really like to give up some of the long standing stuff I do as I've been doing it so long that I'm not bringing anything "new" to the party at all. I really think it would be useful for me to pull back than try and do anything about it. I want it to be for other people after I've had some 15 years in the limelight and I could do with the rest really.

I think that change is coming this year and that it will do me good. I probably have to give some things up at some point. What would happen if I couldn't carry on? Someone would have to be found to fill my place - it's the way of things, life goes on.

we are now on the cusp of seeing if we can get our ideas to market. We know that most ideas just flop but we think we have something that has mileage. If we do get the opportunity to take it on, I'm not going to have an hour to myself for long periods of time and so it is a bit academic deciding what I can and cannot do. I remember when I set up my business in the late 80s that I didn't have much to do in the Lodge. I had an Office but I could work on that one thing like crazy in between times and could do what was needed a couple of times a year. Now, well I doubt that I could get anywhere near that level of commitment - its 25 or so years ago - I was young and much fitter.

It's a feeling "in my water" that there's change coming along the road and that my Masonic hobby will change and also that my attitude to it will also have to take a back seat if I am to give the business a chance.

My dreams are back with all their technicolour strangeness and I had a bad one where my friend and I go and see where my friend died in January just up the road here. We found the spot and were told off by the office staff for being on private property, we had a row as I recall and then things faded out. I still can't believe he's gone and left us, what a tragedy that was to start 2011.

I was also acutely aware that there is a fine line here and that is whether people are remembered after they go? All these wonderful human beings lie forgotten, held in esteem by their families - maybe - but we don't know all these people at all. All the war heroes and their obituaries line our newspapers, people with interesting and accomplished lives, amazing feats and stories but at the end of the day, how many are truly remembered? How many names are on our lips daily? I'd state very few and it makes me wonder what it is all about sometimes. I mean, someone does something extraordinary and is recognised for it at the time but later on, maybe even before they die, their names are lost. The world is looking on to the next "now" thing.

Life's a funny old thing isn't it? I have great kids, I have done my best, I live in a nice place, I can afford to chase a dream, I survived this type of cancer so far but I am not absolutely certain that survival is my destiny, I hold a vision for a better place through technology and I have great friends and some that may return to be great one day. But something isn't right with the way it is, it isn't "ticking all my boxes" and this year may well be the shakedown on that. Let's see where the journey takes me and let's see where the roller coaster finally comes to rest.

Then I haven't mentioned cancer too much

I suppose you begin to forget things like what it used to be like and what it was to have cancer and live with it for a while. Today I live with the "threat" of it all the time not having it because, as far as I can recollect, I only had it for a short time about four times. The first time they cut it out, then they found some more at the next TURBT (a re-seed as they called it), then CIS and then the minute tumour they found a little while back.

The fear will always be that it can return and unfortunately the rate of recurrence is very high for this particular type of cancer. So you never get to be fully in remission or feel free. You initially hate it and that's pretty much what you would expect. You respect it, let's face it, it's an amazing thing that you can get cancer and they can cure you.

What of the scars? Well the physical ones I can't see but apparently they do exist and I suppose, as the bladder repairs itself they eventually go away. I'm guessing that Kidneys and tubes are somehow damaged too but let's hope that it is minor. I'm still struggling with fitness and that is something I hope to really tackle this year. It's the mental scars that take some fixing.

I've often blogged about these scars and the most obvious one is the inability to see others suffer and I can't really watch films, tv or even real life where there is something sad. I just watched Finding Neverland and was really uncomfortable with it especially the ending. I cannot tell you what this is all about except that it is and isn't a great thing. Sure I may be "more in touch" now with my emotions. But the other sets of emotions are to do with right and wrong, social justice, that sort of stuff.

I suppose it isn't too bad to come out of the jaws of cancer and just have a handful of emotional scars and worries? Of course you could do without them but perhaps it isn't too bad a price to pay?

How Strange

Last night I thought I'd sit down and watch a couple of DVDs that I bought recently.

I started off with the Motorcycle Diaries and then finished off with Cinema Paradiso. Both are sub titled foreign language films and the first one was just a really interesting look at Che Guevara and his early life. This morning I learnt that the other Che (Alberto Granado), who we see at the end of the film, died yesterday. The link is here. I had previously seen the Che part one and two that looked at Cuba and Bolivia and the remainder of Che's life - it made a lot of sense, seeing this film, how that must have shaped his thought. I found it an uplifting and unusual road movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Cinema Paradiso won a string of BAFTAs and an Oscar and didn't disappoint but it really chewed me up at the end and brought through some interesting points to ponder on. It wasn't at all what I expected but I was drawn to it by the music of Ennio Morricone and that it was highly recommended by a friend.

Looking at the news today and seeing the death of Alberto on the very day I was watching the film was a bit spooky though...

A good night out

We celebrated last night and Flocky Bicep came and joined us for a few beers and a curry. That was nice and a pleasant end to the week. I found a new dish that I will try on Tuesday night when I am out. It was a Lamb dish flamed in Sambuca. Very nice indeed.

I am just preparing for a quiet weekend and one in which I hope to sort out my various Treasurer duties and work on the books. I hate chasing money and I don't really like being a Treasurer it is an OK sort of job and someone has to do it but I would prefer to get back into the action. I think though that I should give things a rest for a while as I hope we will be working like mad this year to get the business off the ground and if I can't do something properly, I'd rather not do it at all.

I'm tempted to do some "work work" but feel I ought to give myself a rest as I just pile into it every week and a break is necessary to keep me fresh.

That's a barrier out of the way

My business partner has had things sorted out now and so that clears the way for us to get cracking and begin to become more "visible" in our business activities.

Funny day today - we are going out to celebrate tonight but I know he is feeling a bit flat although he has no need to be. A bit like I felt getting my last clear, you'd have thought it would be a BIG thing but it isn't somehow.

It is actually great news but we don't get carried away with things at all but I am glad that his ordeal is ended and that he can get back to normal. They were going to postpone until December which would have been a nightmare and wouldn't settle anything. At least some sort of sense has prevailed and this nasty little episode can be put behind and we can move on. We have plenty of things to worry about without any more.

I just had a call from Australia - a lovely lady and a distant relative who is just so nice to talk to. Bless her, she stays up late to call me so it must have been around 2 in the morning when she called. That pleased me. It restores my faith in humans when you speak to someone like that and you realise you have a friend miles and miles away. We have never met but have talked and corresponded and I think I'd love to meet her and spend hours talking about the family and our family history.

Pleased me

Just off to bed and heard that Steve has another clear which is brilliant news indeed. Very pleased for him and brought a smile to my face as for some reason, I always feel for my fellow BC patients.

I had a good day up in London and it was quite a pleasant sunny but bitterly cold day. I popped into the office and I didn't get a great feel for the place - it was nice to say hello but I got out in 10 minutes flat as I didn't like it that much.

Back to working tomorrow and sorting myself out - I need to make an appointment to see the dentist to see how his work is getting along. I know that I still have some tenderness where the root canal work was done but it doesn't hurt me - I just know that it is there sometimes and it feels almost as if it were slightly bruised.

Anyway - it is midnight and I need to get some sleep.

Lunchtime for me - Judgement Day for Steve

I'm alright as I am off to London as Chairman of London Lunchtimers. Steve however, will be going off to his medical centre and being checked with a scan and a flexible cystoscope to see if all is OK.

So as I'm on my way home I imagine Steve will be getting checked out so the very best of luck and good wishes to him. I suppose my next scope has to be in the next 4 to 6 weeks so I'd better watch out for the letter in the post.

I'm just readying myself for a trot back up to London. It is pretty cold outside and it froze last night.

As I said yesterday, it is a strange old week this week, I can[t tell you why, I don't know exactly perhaps I'll find out later.

Jazz Night

Off there tonight and looking forward to another evening out of the house. A has gone off to Edinburgh, L is down in Canterbury having her interview with the University and I'm stuck here wondering what the next bit of work I need to tackle. There's loads of work to do and I'm not concentrating too well at the moment. I'm thinking about my colleague in his tribunal today and for the next few days. It is a stressful thing having done it myself but I don't think he will be as stressed about it as I was. I wasn't particularly well either which didn't help.

It's a funny old week for some reason that I can't put my finger on.

Lads Night Out

It wasn't planned that way - I just wanted to see M and he valued my Dad's stamp collection and like mine and Mrs. F's it really isn't worth what you thought it ought to be worth. Funnily enough it is a good idea to use the "mint" stamps after 1971 to add up to today's postage than to sell them on! How terrible - stuff that isn't even worth face value!

SO there we have it and it appears that other "stuff" isn't worth a whole lot either. Enough to make it worth someone's while to eBay or do something similar with but not for someone who is "in the trade" so to speak. This stuff is worthless although there were a few nuggets in the collection.

I kind of thought this would be the answer and so tonight is disappointing but mainly as I have to tell my mum that this huge collection is worth more in terms of current day postage value than selling it. Disappointing I know.

But that wasn't all really. Of the 4 of us, only I have my father left alive and so tonight was a discussion about the deceased fathers and that was interesting but perhaps a little too much for me.

We are a week early and so will meet up again next week to go for a curry where, I hope, we can get back to a better evening although, having said that, we did have a 30 minute laughing session about old times that nearly made me cry as I was hurting so much laughing at some of our stupid antics of 30+ years ago!

Tomorrow, my business partner is in his Tribunal for the first of a three day hearing. I hope it goes well for him, he deserves to get a ruling in his favour considering the crap he has had to endure. I hope that it all works out well but he will be out of contact for three days (as I was last week) and so I need to spend that time wisely and get some pretty gritty work done, the sort of stuff you need to grit your teeth and get on with, the "frog eating" work as we call it.

I'm pleased to have gotten out of the house tonight but actually didn't get a real opportunity to speak to my friend and then ended up 'sort of' admitting that my experience last week was far from favourable. I surely hope that the spring weather and the new extension cheer my folks up.

The anger really comes from the fact that neither my parents nor my brother have responded to A, whose 21st it is soon, to say whether (or not) they are coming to her party. A bit like my 50th a few years back. I don't expect them to come along but it would be nice if they'd make the effort even to say no - or am I asking too much?

Should I worry? Of course I should, their my family and it hurts like hell, you might as well stick a knife in me. At least Mrs. F's side of the family have always supported the kids. I'm probably a little bit upset and raw about it but at the end of the day, they know we would attend their celebrations travelling hundreds of miles and staying in hotels if needed. You'd have thought that they'd do the same. I'm sure my Mum would but she isn't 'allowed to'

Time for bed and sleep if I can manage it. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

Resonance Indeed

This is a rather interesting article - well it made me think if nothing else.

Recovering from the shock

I guess that is what is happening this week. We knew some time ago that our business partners weren't pulling their weight and I blogged about that realising what the implications were going to be. In a way, nothing has changed but it is a bit like realising someone is going to die, and then they do. It is still a shock and it still matters and you feel it.

Well, that's what we are going through now, we knew it was coming, we understood what that would mean and now, we are here. There's nothing we can do about it, there's nothing that would have prevented it, there's no use crying about it but undeniably it affects everything.

The coming to terms with it is the main thing, I didn't expect that it would be easy but neither did I expect to feel quite as deflated about it as I am at the moment. I'm sure that it wont be for long - this week is just a peculiar week I think and once we get it out of our system, we can move on. It feels very strange that there are now just two of us where last week we were 4.

New Zealand

Well at least all the family are in one piece but damage again to property etc. They've had three large quakes in about 6 months and aftershocks all the time.

I can't say I have actually felt one but did wake up after a local one rumbled through. My parents and brother were discussing the Gainsborough earthquake of a short while ago here. They said it sounded like a train loudly rumbling past them.

At least everyone is safe and that is the good thing.

So yesterday I was speaking with a friend who runs a couple of businesses and he tells me that his 26 year old shop assistant whom he always did speak highly of has been diagnosed with a brain tumour that is inoperable. 26 years old - no age at all is it really. How sad. I have been feeling sad today. I think I'm sad that my dad preferred turning up his TV volume rather than talking to me. I feel sad that he doesn't get out and about more or do something although he did get out in the garden today so that's a better sign.

I'm also sad because tomorrow I'll be talking to my business partner and we will be discussing how we are going to take the business forward now that we have had it confirmed that the other 2 founders will not be taking the journey with us through no particular fault of their own they both have to go off and do other things. As it happens, we knew this some time ago and that's why we set up our business in the first place because they weren't going to be available. We did feel that we would have had more support but, once again, through their own reasons that hasn't happened either.

The result is that all of the work we've done has been mainly delivered by the two of us. The work we expected to get done. hasn't been and so we need to do that ourselves too now. So that just leaves us to work on a new strategy that takes us forward and we need to grow our team again which has been depleted by (in fact) 3 of the 6 main members. We've both known this to be so for some time as regular readers may recall I felt that there would be only 2 of us going forward and so whilst it is no great surprise that this has happened it is still sad and a little disappointing too.

It was nice yesterday to go a Lodge meeting and not hear my name mentioned in the report on the health of the members. A lot of people came up and spoke to me but it was nice to not be the centre of attention for once. Mind you, after 8 years in office, I found doing nothing was a little strange.

Ostracized

Ever felt like that? I feel like that. Not from friends or work. No, from family and it feels weird and upsetting. Mrs. F. picked me up tonight and I asked her to talk to the centre manager as we are trying to arrange L's 18th birthday party. It was if I had tipped acid over her when I asked her to discuss it. Me - I don't actually give a sh*t one way or the other but she is the one pushing for it and can't find anywhere. I find a venue willing to take us and she treats me like something she just trod on and hardly communicates with the manager. I'm feeling pretty pissed off I have to say having gone out of my way and, in a way, stuck my neck out for this to get almost brushed off and shown up in front of someone that I deal with quite a bit who is only, after all, doing a favour because it is me who asked. They wouldn't entertain anyone else doing it.

I almost went into "base speak" tonight as I felt like I was some sort of leper the way I was treated. I'm fuming and angry at the moment - at times like this I like the blog as it takes my anger and aggression not anyone or anything else. In fact this whole week has been one that has altered my way of thinking about almost everything.

Tonight I heard that a friend of mine now has Leukaemia after just having had his Bowel Cancer sorted. It isn't great news I'm afraid and I feel bad for him as we spoke a few weeks back about his troubles and I discussed some of the issues I had and we swapped notes like old pros but he isn't going to make it and I feel desperately sorry about that. Life isn't fair sometimes and he hasn't long retired and moved down to the coast and got himself established there. It makes me want to cry although I rarely do these days. I sort of fill up but manage to stop it there normally.

This is part of this journey or being a little bit strange and a little bit weird and a little unpredictable and lateral. Of knowing something that other non sufferers don't. Of venting like some mad man and of just getting utterly angry with everyone and everything.

I had a great evening and Mrs. F. turned up and completely ruined it for me.

In all this has been one of those weeks. In a way a monkey had been lifted off my shoulder. The two members of the team whom we were finding hadn't delivered much were about to get my comment that they hadn't delivered much and what did they think they were going to contribute in future. As luck would have it they have both independently come to that conclusion themselves and backed out of the venture. This has done a couple of things. We have suddenly had our belief that this would happen confirmed and it has left a hole in our business. SO we are now at half strength. The thing is we knew this moths ago and we made plans for it but actually hearing it today was a shock. A bit like when you are expecting someone to die and they do it is generally a lot bigger shock than you were expecting or building yourself up for.

That's how I feel right now. Shocked, upset and pretty damn annoyed. Loads of shit all week and for once it would have been nice to have had the slightest sympathy or acknowledgement of my situation. All I feel that has happened is that I've been made a laughing stock or just been treated without any respect - that hurts. I might get over this tonight but I fear that I will just turn in to Mr. Angry for a day or so until I work this anger out of my system.

Kind of OK

Well it was nice to get up to see my parents but I feel pretty flat afterwards. Their move to a smaller place has meant a lot of upheaval and change and I'm not sure that the change has done either of them a good turn. Dad looks a lot older than when I saw him last year and is more into his routines than ever.

He's OK in the morning but in the afternoon everything has to be "just so" done to a proscribed timetable and he gets fidgety if it isn't. We were obviously a huge disruption to the status quo and in some ways I got the distinct feeling that we weren't really wanted - and by that I mean - that we were disturbing his world and his way of doing things. I don't think he actually didn't want us there but I had to say I found it difficult competing with the TV all afternoon.

So in a way I was glad to go up and see them but also sad to see them too. I worry that I am sometimes similar to my dad but in many other ways I am a lot different to him and my family in many ways. I saw my kid brother - I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or more. He too is very different to me and they all live very different lives and are very different people.

Because my parents have moved into a tiny place now there was lots of things to fill my car up with when we came home and we have now gone through what we want to keep and the things we will give away. It feels very strange doing this as these things that meant something to them are now either in my house or going to the charity shop. That's the sort of thing that happens when you down size like that and probably adds to the levels of "depression" I felt when we were there. They've done the right thing in moving to a manageable house but of course the downside is the loss of possessions and loss of space - compared to the last place this feels claustrophobic and you can't get away to another room like you could in the last place so you are forced to be in the same room all the time and so that didn't help the situation.

I'm sort of glad that I have little attachment to things these days but I can see how the loss of familiar objects can be upsetting also the weather has meant that they are trapped indoors a lot.

It was nice to get away, even nicer to stay in a local B&B rather than in the same house - not sure I could have managed that this time.

Off for a few days

It feels strange dashing off and not taking the kids. They'll be OK here and A still has Uni and L is studying for her exams so it probably helps that we are out of the way.

I'm off out tonight and that suits me too as I can stop work in an about an hour and just relax up and not need to come back to this until I get back.

The B&B we are staying in isn't far from my parents and so that will mean we can pop our heads in and book in and then just walk or drive around the corner to see them, they don't have to "put up with us" either so we can leave at a reasonable hour and go have a drink at the pub rather than disturb their evening.

Who knows I might even see my kid brother whilst we are there. I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or so but then he's too busy making a living - of course - if he had an experience like mine then he'd probably look at that work / home relationship slightly differently but he does travel a hell of a long way to work too so that can't help.

I'm waiting to hear when I'm due in next to the Hospital, I imagine I should know in the next 3 weeks or so when that will be.

I also need to work on a change in habit - spring is coming along and I want to get back into doing some more exercise and moving away from my desk which I tend to sit at for 10 hours a day. At least it wont feel like the middle of the night when I'm doing that. All I need to do is get myself in the right frame of mind and just to follow my instincts and actually get up and walk away from the PC occasionally :-)

Rest up this week

Well after tomorrow I will. I was still working even though it was the weekend even though I said I wouldn't I still did but the difference was that I just re read loads of our original paperwork and that's got my gear into gear for what needs to be done in the next few weeks.

At least I'll have a few days off to see my folks and their new house. I've a feeling this is the 4th or maybe 5th move in the time I've lived in my house. I'm not nomadic I guess. We moved a lot when we were kids and teens.

It takes out most of my week but that's OK by me. I know that I need the break and I know that I should take it too. It's hard work, it needs to be done but a day or two off will refresh my head and let me get to it. It's not as if a few days will make that much difference.

Sometimes Stuff Just Happens

And it is as if I'm not there - it happens all around me and no one responds or talks to me they are embroiled in their own little world it as if I'm watching it unfold as a film goer or voyeur.

Ever seen the film the 6th Sense? Well if you have it made me wonder if I really was there or not?

Hopefully I am not like the main character in the 6th Sense though but you never know - it would explain some of the stuff that goes on around here :-)

Relax

I should do but I don't much these days. Crazy as it seems the workload is really heavy - when I do stop I collapse in a heap in the chair and fall asleep. I do too much and again I am sat at my computer on a Saturday just adding to my work. Of course one of the problems is that it is just the two of us now going forward. Any chance of getting any one else to do the hard work has gone as we are a country mile ahead of people in where we are, how the ideas have developed, how the costs hang together and how the business works and how it all will hang together. It's a shame really that we have been left on our own like this. It is totally without malice or anything else its just that they can't come on the journey with us. They have wives, families, mortgages and need to get out there and make some money regularly and to meet commitments.

Their somewhat romantic view of building a business is just that, a view that somehow a business will build itself that talking long enough about it will make it happen. The reality is in fact very different and the sheer amount of graft that has gone into the latest set of documents and financial plans is breathtaking in its complexity and effort. But it is all good stuff.

So more reason to get a break which is what I intend to do now.

Next week I am away for three days to see my parents which will give me every opportunity to stop, slow down and to just relax and take it easy. We are staying 5 or 10 minutes away in a country pub B&B which will be nice as we wont have to spend all out time at my parents. It could be just the break I need to get some energy back for the next stage.

I ought to do this more

Get out and go see some live music and enjoy myself and enjoy the company of people like me and just enjoy life and all that stuff. I got to shake hands with Colin Bluntstone tonight and say thanks you for such a great evening. Now you know I'm really bad in crowds but these were mainly people of my age who grew up with the same music and it was all just a great evening out and enjoying it and smiling at strangers and sharing the experiences (without hallucinogenic drugs) although beer helps.

Not sure what the lady next to me was on and as usual, I attract the loonies at dos like this :-) but we had a good jig and dance around and shared some memories and laughs before she disappeared off somewhere.

What a great night - I ought to do more of this sort of thing. Just lovely to get out and go out with a few friends and enjoy yourself without having to organise it or be one of the doers - just go along and relax.

I keep saying it - I don't do enough of this - about time I ate my own dog food and listened to my own advice.

PR or Fund - Raising Advice Sought

Not for me but for Jeanne over in the US. See the blog here.

Whilst I've been involved in PR and Fund-Raising this is in a club type environment where I have a captive audience and so I'm not exactly qualified but perhaps if you are you can assist in thinking of constructive ways to raise money. If you are in the US - even better as you'll know your local rules and what works well in the US.

Thanks for reading - hope you can help.

Well how strange is that

On the 4th February last year my mate called and we went out to see Colin Bluntstone as you can see in this blog. Last Thursday the same chap said would I like to go and see Colin Bluntstone as he was playing at the same place. I doubt that he would remember that it was ust over a year ago on a Thursday we saw him last time. Spookily enough I saw him on a whim when I worked down at Swindon.

Small world - I hope he is as good as he was last time we saw him - it was a good evening.

Tired again

Well another long day and a lot more work done and the slog of it make me very tired. It is just hard grind it out head work and so a full 8 hours worth of it makes you tired.

I'm off to bed early for once and hope that it will sort me out for tomorrow. I'm out tomorrow evening to a concert which will be nice. Colin Blunstone once again is playing locally so off to see the show better than last week and the week before with funerals - well I hope so :-)

Feeling good apart from this damn ticklish cough and the tiredness of course.

Worked myself to a standstill today

By 4:30 in the afternoon I was absolutely drained so sat down and watched a couple of DVDs and also had to dash off to friends to rescue their photos from their PC hard drive! Makes what I'm doing with the business more and more important I'm sure.

Niggling cough is driving me mad. Hope it will go away soon but for now little coughs all the time which is just plain annoying.

We are really bashing out the work at the moment and getting closer to our goal of getting investor ready. It takes time though and it takes a concerted effort hence I was so tired as I did 8 hours solid writing today and I really felt drained by then.

Feeling good though and concentrating on work is fine - the days seem to fly by and I'm sure one day I'll find that all the hard stuff is done and we can sit back and review it and say it was a good job done.

Goodness me

where did the weekend go to? I'm not posting as much as I used to but that should be a good sign as it means it isn't as important any more and I find myself so engrossed in what we are building that days are beginning to slip by and I'm not thinking Bladder Cancer as much as I used to. My preoccupation with it is waning and at last I am beginning to think that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the light from an oncoming train but more likely the sunshine pouring in from the journey I've been on.

I'm hoping that things can just get better now and that whatever dark place I've been to can stay behind me and that the rest of my life can be brighter, more optimistic and more rewarding again. It's been a pretty hellish 4 1/2 years and it isn't quite over yet but things are moving in the right direction and that's a start.

I've now also come to terms with the reality of the "team" not actually quite being a team and leaving just a few of us to battle to the conclusion of our company setup and there's an inevitability about it. I wrote some time ago that I realised that we were on our own and then I dropped a note out to a few friends and got back an interesting message, it was this:

"You've been 'playing fair' to everyone. giving them the benefit of the doubt, giving them room to edge out of doing things, helping them through their family and work traumas and generally doing everything that you'd expect them to do to you". I guess because I'm like that, it is true, I have tried my hardest to accommodate everyone but, the rub is that they have been getting on with their own lives in that time, doing what they wanted to do and being fair to themselves and not to me. This really is how it is.

I'm off at a tangent for a moment so forgive me. I asked how I should celebrate my 5 years clear this July and got responses back but the ones that suddenly made sense were to thank my close friends (those who had been there for me) and then to go and do something for me. Finally, do something for yourself - to me, that said it all because, of course, I've hardly done anything for myself in all that time.

So back to the earlier piece. I've been fair to everyone, I've used up my patience and I've been let down so how to react. Well, not in a vengeful or spiteful way - not at all. I'm just going to drop the communication now, expect nothing - which is what I normally get - and carry on regardless. Together with my business partner, we've made all the sacrifices and together, we will take our ideas forward. The team will have no further major input as they've not earnt it and they've not done anything for it either. They actually know this but haven't got the balls to own up to it.

That's why things are different today, I've got rid of that monkey on my shoulder and can move on business wise now and I know that I've freed my head up knowing that they aren't treating me with the same levels of respect that I've been treating them with. After all, they have jobs and other things to attend to and are getting on with their own lives - time - frankly - that I did the same and got on with mine.

It hurts me because of the way I am but I just need to remind myself of those words "But are these people being fair to you?" The answer is always no so there should be no guilt. I'm working on it :-)

The Hollow Man

That's how I feel today. Yesterday was a lot better than I thought it would be and the funeral was a Humanist one which was interesting, lots of words and his favourite music. Lots of fond memories and it was a bit sad and a bit funny too. They had dug out some of his old movies and he made comedy sketches which meant that we were laughing and enjoying seeing him again.

It was such a shame that he died in the way he did but sometimes better to go and none of us ever have to see the person we treasured getting old, frail, ill etc? Here was how we remembered him. a tear of sadness in one eye and a tear of joy in the other. Lovely memories of growing up and him being there.

So - hollow man? I'm exhausted from these two funerals and the draining effect they've had on me.

On Wednesday I heard an interesting explanation about why post cancer survivors have this "energy" problem - it's probably written down somewhere or who knows it could be a joint theory of ours :-) What we discussed was that whilst we are being treated, especially immunotherapy or Radio or Chemo we are in a heightened state - somewhat like the level of combat troops and that's why Post Cancer Fatigue is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have the fright or flight response and your adrenaline is pumping along with other essential responses. Imagine if you will holding the fear and fright inside you and it is probably true that you don't let too many (if any) people know just what terrors are running around in your head. Playing with the will it work or won't it? Will I live? Will I die horribly? What am I going to tell the kids? And all of that going on is bound to eat away at you. That keeps you in a heightened state, that uses your reserves. When you need them - you haven't got as much (if any) as you had before and it takes time to rebuild and restock. So when you are already running on empty you run out of steam very quickly.

It may sound like a load of old tosh of course :-) However I tend to think it is near the truth because of the drained feeling I get after these sorts of stressful things. In addition, going to funerals brings back sharp memories of what lies in wait for us all eventually but in my case and I'm sure other cancer survivors - it brings things sharply back into focus about just how lucky I was and what living means.

Out to Canterbury

To see a very nice man who shares the cancer experience with myself and my business partner. They both had Prostate Cancer so in the same sort of area and many of the tales were the same. Interesting that he is a good few years ahead of us but had a horrible time with the ups and downs of it all. I can agree on that but I didn't get the sort of downs he did. Dark and horrible as mine were his were far worse, far , far worse.

Anyway, it was lovely to get to see him and have a coffee and long chat. He is mentor to A for her photography and it was a real privilege to see his studio. There aren't that many film photographers around these days - everything is Digital. He makes sure A can have access whenever she wants it and he is very good on advice and assistance too.

Well- better get off to bed or I'll have another rubbish night. Had the most awful night and disturbed dreams. Hope to get some better rest but now I have this silly cough which is driving me mad, I hope that goes too overnight.

My Friend's Father

My friend's fathers were lovely people. One was taken from us as I was diagnosed in July 2006 and I was unable to attend his funeral - I was probably not helping the situation being so ill at the same time! Dennis, whose obituary is here was one of those father figures who treated me like an adult and spoke to me without being condescending and has always been interested in me, my family and my progress. At 81 ( a year younger than my dad) he was taken from us far too early when he still had years of mind and body to give to us all.

It is so sad that he has been called away so early because he was still organising things and actively involved in clubs and organisations right up to the end.

I wonder if we are meant to remember people this way, at their best, doing what they do, still in many ways at their prime and generally as I remember him.

It's a bit of an omen that of all my very close friends, my dad is the last one left of them all. Eddie, Dennis and Tom all having moved on this past 5 years.

I suppose it is getting to that time in life when I should expect this sort of thing. Anyway - loads of people are expected on Thursday - I've primed them that if it is sardine packed I won't be able to stay in the chapel but I kind of hope that it is reasonably filled and not stacked so that we can have a good ceremony.

Tomorrow - I'm off to Canterbury to see A's mentor but unfortunately L is too ill to attend her interview having picked up some horrible bug. She has had to reschedule but I still think I ought to go down and meet him - having organised this from before Christmas. It's been 2 years since I last saw him and he is such a nice man and has been a great mentor to my daughter A in her quest to become a photographer. He regularly gives her free run of his studio and lab for her to work in and he will not let me pay for it. I intend to get even tomorrow and at least buy him lunch... :-)

Comments

Please note that I like comments on my blog, additions to my knowledge and useful links but anything that appears to me to be an advert will be taken down, like the last two comments were. Don't do it.

Can you help?

I've posted this before and I wondered whether you can help a patient in the US. The Story is here and here. Good things are happening with treatment but transport costs are mounting up and the available cash is low. If you can assist it will help.

Thanks

Sore Throat

I knew I'd caught something on Friday when we went out I was struggling with a sore throat and on Saturday I'd made sure I was using throat tablets to stop me coughing and wheezing. It all came out on Sunday morning and so I was sat in my chair sleeping mainly.

I'm a lot better today but have a husky voice and dry cough to contend with. Hopefully all will be better tomorrow - it hasn't stopped me working today but is just a nuisance. I haven't had a cold for some while so it is quite an inconvenience - you forget so quickly.

Other than that I'm plodding away at my research work and trying to sort out this week's work load and telephone calls together with visits out and about. It is going to be another sad week with my friend's dad's funeral on Thursday - I hope that I don't get a cold off of them like I got from the last one.

Late

It's 1:35 in the morning - I've just got back and someone managed to whack the wing mirror off of the cab on the narrow lane near here. Not good. Cabbie was mightily pissed off but he was driving after all is said an done.

A great evening and November back up to Scotland beckons. It is a shame that the club closed so early as we were just getting into the swing when the taxi arrived. Our comic sketch about Nelson and Hardy which (apparently) went down a storm last year was asked to be repeated. We were about to do that when the taxi arrived!

Interesting times in our locale. The problem? Politics, greasy pole and all that nonsense. It would be nice to have a level playing field - where everyone knows what is expected etc. If that isn't given then everyone makes it up of their own account! Unhealthy stuff.

Anyway - it was nice to hear that we were appreciated at the meeting in Scotland and have been invited back this year.

Reflecting on what's been happening in my life

All this anger comes from somewhere and I realise that as much as I like to think I'm in control of things, I'm not really. Sure I can do many things to help myself but life has a way of reminding you what could happen at any time to any one of us.

In addition, I find that the things I think of when I am at my most cynical and when my mind goes off and analyses things actually appear to be coming true. I was sceptical about whether the whole team was behind us and I find that they are getting on with their own lives and they aren't really helping me and my business partner to the extent that we figured that they would. We also find that there is a general lack of feedback and support which is a shame really.

I suppose that I'm acting all hurt and surprised and upset about something that I knew, deep down inside myself, would probably happen. That is why there is anger boiling just under the surface. I really wanted everyone to come along and share in the journey but other people's lives are lived in their way not the way the big words said they would be. Suddenly reality bites and we are there on our own. After a long journey and a lot of work there just appears to be nothing there at all. The odd comment perhaps and the sound of a snippet stolen from a book half read on the subject of business start ups but, in reality, nothing is going to happen and we are left to do this on our own.

I've said this before and I guess after a week of real heavy slog I'm beginning to feel that I'm producing work that no one even reads. Sure the investors will read them but it would have been nice to have a pat on the back and a congratulatory email at least. What did I get? Zip - nada, nowt!

Oh well, tomorrow will be a nice day - the Scots are down and we are in for a fabulous meeting and a Burns Night to remember.

Well I enjoyed that

The Mousetrap and the lovely little theatre. Seated with some Canadians (like Americans but even nicer!) :-) and some Swedish guys over for the weekend to watch a football match on Sunday (Premiership Soccer) not the Super Bowl one...

It was lovely, good old fashioned fun and a real Agatha Christie who dunnit. Great fun and a really enjoyable night out courtesy of the girls.

Just the ticket

Well it is one of those days today - we are just about to depart and go up to London for the Mousetrap - I will enjoy that - I hope. I think I'm under control at the moment! I have to say that this last week has seen me getting a little wound up over nothing but that said, I think a lot was to do with the funeral and also the doctor's yesterday was just stupid.

I tend to attract stupid people and get dragged down to their level. At least I gave up before I exploded yesterday. I managed to complete the analysis of the customer survey today. That being just the plain analysis not anything clever like cutting the data into demographics and all that fun stuff. You know that bit when you did something for a reason and someone took it out for a reason and then you realise that taking out a specific question from the survey could have given me the pivot to start to use the data intelligently and to do some serious filtering of the data. Damn I wished I'd stuck to my guns on that.

Everyone is cramming down food at the moment as we are about to go out and so I'd better wrap this up shortly. I'm out tomorrow - the lads from Scotland are down again for their yearly visit en masse and so it will be quite a day tomorrow - I doubt I'll be home until 2 am if then! It will be my second Burns night of the season and I'm looking forward to it as I don't have to drive on this one and we can just relax and have a good time and get a taxi home afterwards. Cool.

Calm Down Now

I was in a real rage this morning but have kind of calmed down a bit now. I do find some things really ball achingly annoying. Doctors are now top of my list for talking a load of old tosh. Say what it is please, in English, I have no idea what you are talking about or what you expect me to do about it. I have got past the stage of doing it because you say so if you don't explain it to me, it ain't going to get done - period.

So having got that out of my system, I can finally start calming down from yesterday's funeral. Not my thing at all. So on to other things of some amusement, I totally forgot that we are off to the Theatre tomorrow evening. Looking forward to it as it is the Mousetrap - everyone should go see it apparently and finally we get the chance to go as a family - should be nice.

Work is driving me bonkers - I want 36 hours in a day at least so I can finish what I am doing. With interrupts this week I've not been able to complete half of what I wanted to and being out Friday evening and most of Saturday will just wipe me out this weekend. Next week I guess we can get some traction again. It's tough when there are 2 of you doing about 4 people's work.

What another blood test

I cannot believe how angry my telephone call got me this morning. GPs can be so bloody obtuse sometimes. I phoned up as I got my prescription with a blood test form - well I've just recently had one. I love the bit where they talk to you as if you are a Doctor about what's needed. What does it all mean - it isn't for me to work out what these technical terms are.

So they want a repeat of part of the test because the results weren't what they expected. So were they high or low or what and what did it mean - after listening to a 30 second burst of which I understood one or two of the words at most I just got so the Doc wants you to do it again. As I didn't actually get an answer and was about to fly off the handle and I'm not sure why I got quite so angry quite so quickly I decided to query the crap form once again and ask if it was fasting to which she replied does it say so? well no it didn't but I don't want to sit around for 2 hours to only be told when I finally get to be seen that it should have been.

Anyway - they can sing for it as I'm disinclined to go as they can't tell me why, didn't even send an explanation, can't even tell me what it is on the phone or anything else. I'm certainly not inclined to do the hours of waiting and all so a Doctor can work out if a slight variance is repeated. I told them a long time ago I was pissed off with being used like a sodding pin cushion and don't have the sheer luxury of taking loads of days off so they can plot it out on Excel.

I can't believe how angry I am about this. I guess it just pisses me off these days I get pissed off with all this nonsense these days. I've gone past the bit of "because I said so" - maybe that's it - there is this complete lack of information and courtesy, no explanation - I seriously have no idea following the phone call what on earth the problem is but actually if it is bad they can call me and we can discuss it. At the moment - it can wait until I'm in a better humour or until I get some sort of explanation around the necessity of it.

I must re-examine this anger bit though - maybe I'm still raw from yesterday's funeral. Whatever it is I found myself really up for a fight with the GP's receptionist but she's only doing her job so I backed out but I see it more and more these days. It's systemic and if only everyone went to work and treated their customers the way that they would like to be treated it would be fine.

Luckily Flocky Bicep popped in bearing gifts of coffee and croissants we were rattling through some Lodge business. As a bit of fun we have now lent out names to some friend's pets! Guinea Pigs - how funny is that? :-) We had to laugh

Glad that is over

Said goodbye to my old friend and met his wife again - only met her once before in 1994! It was a very nice service but RC High Church with Requiem Mass and it was a good 1 1/2 to 2 hours I'm guessing of real tear jerking stuff. Lots of children and all sorts just kept prolonging the whole thing. I just told Mrs. F. 20 minutes maximum, pull the curtains, get out and go and have a drink... Don't hang around, it is difficult enough without all of this padding.

As it was, it wasn't as bad as I guess it could have been and I didn't go and see the burial itself - I'd had my emotions stretched extensively by then and whilst I also had a few "moments" of claustrophobia - the church was rammed full hardly any more space left - I was also able to control that as I knew how to get out and it was a big area in terms of clearance.

Bless him, Flocky Bicep has given me a call to see if I'm OK. I go back to my Uncle's funeral when the priest said that tragic and young death will mean that loved ones never see the deceased old or frail and in this case, it might even be that this will be something for the future to ease the pain but I sort of doubt it as well. It's just too tragic that at 54 this accident has robbed us of someone unique - an absolute powerhouse of a man - it was evident that he was well loved, respected and was a fantastic family man. Just tragic that the 4 children have lost him but, like us all we only share the fondest of memories and wonder at his energy levels and antics.

I;m sitting here having a brandy and just getting over the day - it takes so much out of me.

Why does it take so much out of me? Because every time I go to one of these I imagine that it may well have been me at this sort of time in my life had it not been for all the treatment I've had! We all have to go at some time of course but it brings it home to me how easily things for me could have panned out. You see it's me lying there in some of these circumstances and I'm just grateful that it isn't.

That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. :-)

Tomorrow - not looking forward to that

I'll get up early and get around the London orbital motorway to my friends for some breakfast and then we will head on up for our sad pilgrimage to our friend's funeral which will be a burial - I really, really dislike these I have to tell you. Crematorium I can just about live with it is all over when the curtains go around and that's it. Tomorrow starts at 12, carries on at 2:30 and then the celebration of life at 4:30 and so I can imagine that it's going to be a long day. It's set to rain and be windy and I'll just have to grit through and bear it.

Next week it will be my friends dads funeral - that is expected to be a very big affair - we may not even get into the chapel on that one so many people are expected to turn up. We will just have to see on that. I hope it isn't crowded knowing what I'm like.

Had a good day today and really got some of the business stuff sorted out, it is really begining to look accomplished now. However this Video came from a friend and I defy anyone to watch it without feeling a little queasy or feel an attack of Vertigo. It is absolutely terrifying.

So - I'd better get off to bed and get some shut eye - I'll be up early in the morning and get off for a long and sad day.

You know what?

Ssshhhhh - but it is 5 years this July since I was diagnosed, I keep thinking about that and just how well I feel now. It was great meeting up with my old colleague last week who saw me when I was ill and boy did I look it. I'm not sure if you look grey and drawn because of the worry or the treatment or indeed a combination of them both but rest assured once you got past that, moved on a bit and the BCG has grabbed you and thrown you about a bit and totally exhausted you it gets better. Suddenly you have other "stuff" to worry about and other things to do.

I realised that I would never have gone off and done this new business venture before - it wouldn't have fitted my plan of my life and how I envisaged things. Now, there is purpose and belief and commitment where I did feel at one time that I couldn't look that far into the future.

I think I was very much tomorrow, tomorrow when I was ill. You know, get through today, tomorrow will be better and each day will be better. Generally it was and life is pretty much up and down a lot for me not because I am a sort of up and down person but I am trying to alter to my new life and because - in reality - everything has changed. I don't think I have one relationship that hasn't changed in some way or other. My relationship with myself (if you can have one) has changed. I still regularly turn in on myself and get really angry that I am like I am or that I cannot relate to certain people, situations and other life stuff like I used to. The trouble is, that's the cards I'm dealt and that is what I've got to get on with - like it or not.

But does it make you any better a person? Surviving this far in - yes it does but you will probably never ever be the person you were before you got on the roller coaster. A little less brash, a little more human. Mind you there are things that I've said before about this - the emotional side, watching films and plays and other sad things really does it for me - I'm still a wreck when I see these things. I'm not certain how I will get on during Wednesday as it is my friend's funeral. I'm going with friends and it will be church, burial and then back to a local Hotel afterwards. I've tried to avoid funerals although I have been to a few, the terrible one with my friend's child and my other friend's dad. This will be awful - he had 4 children and I can only imagine how rough I'm going to feel about that. I remember my friend for all the right reasons and what great fun we had, what a great bloke he was etc. I can imagine that he was a brilliant dad - you just knew he would have to be - that was what he would have been.

Tragic stuff. Next week it is my friend's dad's funeral and that will be just as bad, he died suddenly and tragically too. I'm not sure what it is - I think it goes way back to when I was a kid and got a little traumatised in a graveyard in Rye, Sussex - it was pretty eerie as a huge storm flooded the graveyard and one of the stones was bubbling away and later a year or so later I remember my mum getting hit by a falling gravestone - either that or I'm just a woos!! :-)

Anyway - I was sat here today bashing away at my work when it dawned on me that I might be starting to lead a life away from bladder cancer and all the stuff that went on at that time.

What's surviving like? It's bloody marvellous - I just forget to celebrate that fact every day like I should. All the changes and all the things I've been through - they're fading memories now and things to be parked if possible to allow them not to cloud my future. Change is as inevitable as taxes and death I guess. I'll live with the first and hope the other two are a long way off.

2011 isn't starting off great is it?

Another friend called today - how are you? Well........

How about this poor chap - Colon Cancer, they're about to operate but find low platelet and cell count so they sort that out and get him in to do the operation they cut out the cancer but he gets a chest infection and things start to get bad, but he gets to go home, get back 4 days later with a worse chest infection - 4 weeks later he gets out but so weak and platelets and cell count so low they wont start chemo and now they taken some bone marrow to biopsy.

So we chatted about the ups and down the good days and the bad days and he said he wouldn't see me in February like planned but hoped that he'd see us in April when he was fit enough to get into the car!!!

Talking of cars daughter No. 2 L has just passed her driving test and so was very pleased about that and drove herself home last night. I don't drive the 2nd car leaving it for Mrs. F and A but now there are three of them for car No. 2 and I allow Mrs. F to drive the Jag. I'm not sure that I dare let a 17 and a 20 year old loose on my car. We will have to have a car rota up on the wall :-)

Just seen some of A's pictures of NY - impressed, I must go some time maybe when we get the business sorted out (or not).

Back from New York

So THAT'S what a Hershey's Bar tastes like :-) they were lucky to get back as it snowed and I understand there was 18" of snow and quite a few planes were cancelled. So A arrived back mid morning after a night on the red eye.

She had a great time in NY although her Aunt seriously impeded her progress in getting around so certain things she wanted to do were missed and she will just have to get over there again.

I've been pounding away at a piece of work I thought I'd finished. I completed a document and just wanted to check that I had covered everything and got some research done which proved that I'd not covered off many of the areas. It is a good thing of course that I checked but the document has gone from 90 to 127 pages and is still growing. It's been one of those things I've just had to do and something I've just had to complete - with a bit of luck I may see the end of it tomorrow and finalise it and get it out for review.

Drained

It was a draining experience last night going through the traumatic details with my friend but I was pleased that I did and I hope that it helped out.

Went up to town today and met a few people I haven't seen for years and years. Talk about chalk and cheese one was really extrovert and charged and the other was very staid and didn't really react a lot. Funny - I was expecting a slightly different reaction.

Anyway - there was a nice surprise awaiting me on my return with the delivery of some research work that looks like it will help me complete my document earlier than planned.

Today was quite good, once again, we found that our ideas are going down really well and that we are going in the right direction. Let's see if it converts to money or not before we count any chickens.

Support

Well I met my friend who's Dad died last Thursday morning. We met up at our usual location at the pub and it was as useful for him as it probably was for me. We Brits don't do emotion much but we had a bit this evening - necessarily so, his father was a very well known person in the news industry and there are a lot of people as baffled and as perplexed as us about his sudden death. He had a stroke but it was located on his brain stem and it was unfortunately one of those things you don't recover from. I've spent an evening listening to stuff that, only if you've experienced it, you can truly understand.

I say it was unexpected because this is a man that had life written all over him, he was one of those characters you come across who you were, as a child, a little frightened of. He was a funny man and so his humour didn't always translate when we were young but we grew to love him because he was such a lovely guy and we always had a lot of fun when we were around him. I'll put a link to him in here when it is published in the papers but tonight was about easing out some pain, letting my friend tell me ALL about it and I'm just beginning to feel the fall out of that now that I've got home. Fall out? What I mean is that I've listened and provided the environment to off load things that perhaps can't be said to family but can be said to your friends and some things I wasn't absolutely ready to hear but I could, thankfully, relate to from my own experiences. So there is an upside to cancer as the emotions that I went through early on, prepared me to rationalise and explain why it was better for such a quick resolution to the initial stroke and why it was all mercilessly quick.

What was poignant to me was that whilst there was life that person lived but when seen when they have passed away it isn't the person you knew at all - it is a shell. We both got pretty messed up around this time but I was able to just reflect on the fact that he had said goodbye and that his last words - which were very characteristic of his character and humour were "this is another fine mess I've gotten you into!"

Bless his heart - he had continued to be his cheery and happy self until the end and my friend - I hope - will remember that - this is how he always was and why everyone liked him so much and why he was held in such high esteem. We will have difficulty at the funeral because there will not be room for all of those who want to say goodbye to him and support the family.

It was good to have my other friend turn up a little later who had been through all of this with his father as he was able to take up the baton as I was beginning to fade fast after 2 or more hours of friends supporting each other.

There were lots of positives and many fine memories to reflect on too. It is one of those tragic things that happen that someone who appeared very healthy and in good spirits should succumb this way, this quickly. In a way, that's a blessing because if he had of survived he would have been trapped inside his body and that would have been awful for a man so full of life and energy.

I sincerely hope that when my turn comes that it is swift as this. I would hate for it to be a drain on other people or my family.

These events inevitably lead to the dark side of my own experience - these things leave me drained and physically and mentally empty.

Here we are again

1:20 in the morning - I'm wide awake - could do another 8 hours straight the way I'm tuned in at the moment and yet I know I ought to go to bed. My mind is just crackling at the moment the synapses are firing off lightning bolts and I'm really charged mentally although I am keeping a reasonable air of calm about me.

I managed to finish a great chunk of work today - really important - hard graft - unbelievably hard graft and it just kept growing and growing as a task the more I looked into it and then as abruptly as it can possibly be - I found that I had run out of research I was beginning to go around in circles and suddenly that task was done. I was pleased about that because it was seemingly open ended. I was able to fire off a request to an organisation that I am a member of to do some final checks for me. That should assist me to ensure that I've covered all the right ground and that I've included all the right organisations.

I can then get on with another piece of work that will pull together all my industry and customer research into one document too.

However, I have to switch my brain off and it just wont do that - it's getting exciting and it's "real" now - right there in front of us. We still need huge scepticism and reality checks and not getting carried away with ourselves. Now that I've gotten over the fact that it really is just the two of us pushing this, I feel that I can now step up to that challenge properly. The Elephant in the room is being addressed and it's one of those awkward moments - the ones where you suddenly realise that it's all down to you to make this happen (or try your best and not quite make it).

I need to re-programme myself so that I don't burn out.

A late night scuppers Saturday

I wasn't trying to be late on Friday night but whatever I did seemed to lead to me staying up quite late and then when I dragged myself to bed, I had just fallen off when my phone went around 12:30 or so. It was my daughter texting me from New York. Nothing bad in that except we are in the UK and so what for her was early evening was early morning for us. She needed some information which I had to search for and text back and then - I was awake - could I get back to sleep? None of it and when I finally came to on Saturday it was far too late to get up to London for the family history event.

So - I missed that and ended up working on the business for the rest of the day and then we went to friends for a Burns Supper at which I did, in my faux Scottish accent the address to the Haggis - luckily only the first 3 verses - I think no ones ears could have taken more than that. It was a lovely evening and one of those weird and wonderful things happened. I was thanked for donating my old laptop to the charity that my friend and one of their other guests are volunteers for. We got chatting as you do and worked out that this ladies granddaughter was our daughters best friend. These people don't live locally to us and we have never met them before. My friend would be likely to have met them through the Samaritans and so with 60,000,0000 people in the country it just so happens that we are connected to this person in two ways. What's the chances of that happening?

Today I've taken it easy and just lazed around as I recognise that I'm not actually taking too many rest periods away from work - even so I keep a jotter nearby to add notes. We are getting to that really intense part of the business and it is sort of make or break time - it is hard graft and it is particularly so now that, in effect, only two of us are actually doing all the work.

Anyway - another interesting week awaits. I hope it isn't as tragic as the week I've just had. There will be two funerals to attend to at some time in the next few weeks so I will just have to see if I am up to going to them. I've had a few issues with that since I had bladder cancer and whilst I've managed a few - I find that it plays on my mind a bit and I struggle with it. Need to face up to these ones although my friend's one is just awful and so tragic.

Family Hidtory Day

Tomorrow - I suppose I had better go and find the details and get myself sorted out on that - like train times and where we are meeting. It should be interesting as I haven't been to Stratford in East London for years and of course that is where (or near) the Olympic Village and all that will be for 2012.

I'll be looking to get there early and find a nice café to grab some breakfast. I may not stay too long as we are out on Saturday evening and I don't fancy hanging around in London too long and I'm not sure that I'll stay for the AGM - these things drive me barmy whenever I go to them and as there is no Family History Fair there this year - there wont be much to do so I'll make my excuses and dive off early.

Flocky came over earlier laden with coffee and pastries so that started the day off well. It has been hard work again slogging through some of my research work but I'm getting there.

How bad is this week going to get

Now a note from my friend that I've known from school, his dad died early this morning after a suffering a stroke last night. That's just so sad as his mum isn't at all well either. Very quick and of course traumatic as it wasn't expected. Managed to do the sorting out and get his mum looked after but can only imagine the trauma all that has caused as his wife lost her job after years of service because the new guy just wanted to change everything (arsehole spreadsheet manager!) so their year is pretty grim.

It's a pretty shitty start to 2011 already and we aren't out of January yet. At least Flocky is coming around tomorrow so that will cheer me up a bit.

Not that I am massively down. Glad to hear that A has arrived in the Big Apple and will be doing the tourist bit and off to Vermont tomorrow for some skiing. Good on her.

I'm "eating the frog" and ploughing through a really gutty piece of work that is just mind bendingly boring as I document all my research.

I am cheering myself up with the fact that I am going to the family history AGM on Saturday and will meet some of my far flung family and catch up with some of the latest news. We are also going to friends for a Burns night supper which will be a bit tempered by the news that their friend (and mine) was killed yesterday.

I've known better weeks folks...

The world's a little quieter this morning

I had a disturbed night - I expected that even after a couple of brandies. What an awful thing to happen and I'm still very withdrawn at the moment about it. I hardly know his wife and 4 children but my mind travels over to them every so often and it just makes me terribly sad to think about what they must be going through.

I'm able to start to remember the good times we had and some of my anecdotes about him - that will repair me I suppose. It's a bit like the shock of losing our friend over 30 years ago, in his early 20s he had a wife, another school friend, 2 daughters who were very young and a 3rd on the way and went to play Squash and no one knew he had a congenital heart problem. He collapsed and died. I was away, I didn't know until I came home and found out some weeks later. It was the most shocking thing, the circumstances and the timing (we were all getting married around this time) and I remember suddenly being aware of my mortality and taking the news pretty badly. The children are grown up now but when you see their faces, you still see him. That's always a strange moment coming face to face with someone who looks so much like him.

Anyway - a sad day and I'm feeling reflective and a little sad and a little morose. Not unexpectedly.

Silent and Shocked

My friend rang up and I missed the call somehow so called back an hour or so back. It was pretty bad news and he told me that our mutual friend had fallen off a roof and been killed earlier today.

To say I'm in shock is to under state the situation. He was probably a year or two older than me I guess and I worked really closely with him on a high stress, high profile project that defined my arrival on the high tech centred world some 19 years ago. We worked really hard and we saved my company millions and millions of pounds and we had an outrageous time doing so - we both learnt lots of things, we stayed friends since then and my clear recollections of him are singing goodnight to my friend and I as we left a Mayfair restaurant and hearing him half a block down the street serenading us before we caught a taxi to the station. We had some outrageous nights out in London and he was one of those larger than life lovely people you meet.

He leaves a wife and four children which is utterly tragic. He was rebuilding his business and he and I were only corresponding over the Christmas period about out plans to build our businesses.

I'm stunned. There will no doubt have to be investigations as to how this happened and why? I'm glad to have known him and sorry that he will no longer be around but I'm shocked at the way / how he died and the tragic consequences of the accident.

I said to my friend who called - "there but by the grace of God go I" and I imagine he and I both went back to the time about 17 years ago when another friend died after being hit by a train. I look back to 29 years ago when my boss was killed in a car crash leaving me to run the business and in effect close the business down. These tragedies - they're just appalling. I can hardly believe though that my friend is gone and that we won't be whacking back Oysters and Lebanese wine in some Soho restaurant ever again.

Puts things into context a bit I think. Not sure how well I'll sleep tonight but have had a couple of Brandies to see if that will help as I'm pretty upset by the news.

On a much brighter note A is off to New York in the morning and I hope she has a brilliant time. I've never managed to go been going but been cancelled and all sorts so I hope that she thoroughly enjoys that and that she gets to go skiing in Vermont at the weekend too.

Graft

It is indeed hard graft and quite plodding work at the moment. Lots of hard, essential grind before I can get to the interesting bit which includes the numbers. The trouble is I'm working too late and I need to make sure that I stop now and go to bed and get up early fit and ready for a heavy day tomorrow - planning out where we are going to go next. It should be fun and a break from the tedium of the work I'm doing at the moment (although it is of great value - it is just so boring).

I heard about my friend who had the Appendix Cancer - a massive tumour - larger than they thought being checked now and - unfortunately - lower bowel gone and a bag in place. he is off the drips and getting back onto solids. He is cheerful and alert - that's nice to know - he's a nice lad. I'll hear later this week what the results are but he is as well as can be expected. I don't even want to guess what it was like for him - you can hardly imagine what a 13 hour operation and the recovery from that are like.

It puts my stuff into some form of perspective!

Accept it and move on

Boy am I feeling better in myself today. I had a full blown swipe at one of the team for being an arse (or ass) and that made me feel better. A bit of the old me came out there as I finally decided that political correctness and pussy footing around was no longer the way to carry on. As Winston Churchill used to stick on his memos "action this day!"

Too right - I've worked out what was wrong (not what I thought it was) and now that I know what it is I can move on. In fact today felt very different in many ways. I am determined to get things moving now and I find that my reticence before wasn't needed. The problem is that being nice to people and trying to accommodate them all the time and "doing the right thing" all have their place but I look at it like this:

We're climbing a mountain, it's massive, every time you get a bit nearer it looks bigger and steeper and more dangerous. A big group of us started out and all said they'd come with us but for differing reasons they're not leading and they're not carrying our packs, cooking the food, putting up the tents or doing anything vaguely constructive any more. We knew this a long time ago but we let it go and we stumbled along with a heavier and heavier load and our crew kept our spirits up by telling us what a great job we were doing and telling us how we could improve our performance and even reviewing our diaries and memoirs so that we could accurately reflect how useful they had been to us.

The nearer we got and the more daunting everything looked the easier it looked to our followers - those rose tinted goggles and romantic visions of climbing the Matterhorn hove into view for them - planting their flag dressed in Harris Tweed and a stupid hat with a feather hanging off it. Perhaps only we knew what lay ahead because we had planned for this moment. Planned to go to the summit as a team. We got to base camp a few weeks ago and all that's left is us, some of our kit and a mobile phone so that our followers can call us and give us advice from a safe and controlled distance. Their advice is as useful as sun cream on a rainy day and in an effort to assist us they have resorted to stating the bleeding obvious and playing back our plans as their new ideas. Our crowning moment is for the team to now explain to us the basics of Arctic survival, quoting from Scott's diary and reminding us to slaughter our Huskies if we run out of food. It is perhaps one of those moments in time when the rhetoric and advice freely found from websites, wikipedia and survival books are replayed endlessly to us as if we haven't even thought about them and hadn't worked out that it would be cold and we would need to pack a tent! Thanks guys - all value added or is that added value - I never can remember - perhaps you'd be kind enough to go find that our for me then roll it up and stick where the sun don't shine - go figure :-)

Now we realise, this mountain is for us to climb, for us to conquer (or not - that's always an option) and the bit that everyone else has forgotten is that if we do conquer this and reach the summit, it will be our flag and our names in the history book.

This next step requires us to equip ourselves properly and take on the challenge. We are fully prepared and have packed all the right gear - we are a little fatigued having had to carry it all ourselves but that just means we are fitter and more resilient.

My attitude - bring it on, I haven't come all this way to not try and do this but I've been disappointed that not everyone wants to come with me despite their assertions and protestations that they would. It is frightening and daunting and it doesn't look a nice place to be but that's the challenge we set ourselves and so we just need to keep faith with our convictions, tread boldly and test ourselves out once again. If there's just the two of us doing it and we get there then it will be the two of us who take the kudos and the glory - will others want to reflect in that too - you bet they will.

I hate to say it but I now see how divisions and arguments can easily erupt when suddenly it dawns on the major partners that they are in fact doing all the work and others aren't pulling their weight. No matter, at least I know, I've made my feelings understood and I can take it to the next level now I'm aware of it.

Fellow Cancer Suferer Requires Some Funds

Here is a LINK to a blog about a lady in the US who is undergoing pioneering treatment but has to stump up the costs herself to get to and from the centre which is half way across the US from her home. She has just undergone Cyberknife treatment as well but just gets on with things.

If you can spare some cash to assist in the travel arrangements I'm sure that would be gratefully received and I'm guessing that if you are local you'll be able to assist in other ways.

Want to know a bit more click HERE. I'd commend the blog to you as well because it has an incredible main story and lots of other things happening too.

You know who your friends are

That's what it is in the back of my head bang, bang, banging away. What is it?

It is that you are on your own no matter what people actually say. Here's my nagging niggling thought. I've not been great in the head for a good few weeks and of course, it has to be a couple of things doing that:

1. Cancer undermines most of your self confidence and self esteem
2. I am finishing my old job at the Charity - I have to say good bye to it
3. The new job is in reality not a whole group of us but just the two of us

Let me explain:

1. The thing that cancer does to you is to make you worry about it coming back or coming back as something else - I mean if you've got it once - perhaps your body will do it to you again and let you down. So underlying absolutely everything must be that in the back of your mind and most of the time you get a quiet moment you think like that - it isn't negativity - although maybe it is in reality.
2. I've just wrapped up my identity access badge and sent it back, will do my last invoice and will alter my email etc. I've hung on long enough and you soon get forgotten no matter how popular you thought you were. No one is as interested in you as you'd like to think they made out they were. They've all gone back to business as usual and that's fine. I now need to break the bonds and ties.
3. Here's the real scoop. I asked one guy to do one thing last year - he has taken 6 months and delivered nothing in the whole of that time. Sad but true. There are two of us thrashing out the detail and the nicest bit about that is that there will be only two of us able to face the investors (plus our financial man) but the others are lost in the wake of the ship we've built and sailed - they haven't read the stuff we've produced. That's the way it is and so I just need to accept that as I thought it was a team effort but I see that just the two of us are going to complete this. No wonder it felt lonely.

Anyway - I have a new vigour to get on and get something happening. I really shouldn't have started a finance document tonight as my head will be full of numbers. So I've stopped now and will complete this post and then hit the sack.

The shock of that reality is the sheer amount of work I've got to do in the next 6 to 8 weeks - oh well we have a meeting this Wednesday to resolve some of that and let's see what happens there.