How it's described in writing

So the copy letter of my flexible cystoscopy came through today. It describes it as a "Slightly raised, red, very small area on the posterior bladder wall". Also that the urine cytology showed bacterial overgrowth. I think that means is was probably contaminated. It certainly wasn't the usual type of pot I use and I also wondered about the "wisdom" of me taking it in over a weekend?

Anyhow, yesterday's was all OK and they took the sample at the flexible cystoscopy and did cytology on that. So I think it can only have been contamination rather than a reflection of what's up with me!! :-)

So we will have to wait and see what they make of this very small area - it may be something to do with treatment but who knows - it is too early to speculate.

So much to do

So little time to do it in. It's really difficult there being just two of us in the business as we have to do everything. We have a new guy, a very good friend of mine who will get involved as our Commercial man - he and I go back 38 years - so we kind of trust each other :-) However, he cannot do what we need to as it is more about the internal detail of the next phase and it's in our heads not out on paper. So it's down to us.

We've worked so hard this past year especially as we went from 4 to 2 of us and these little bits and pieces of work are taking a long time - it often happens - the bulk of the work is done and just needs checking and these tiny little bits of detail take a while to do.

Not to worry - I'm feeling up for the challenge now especially as I've a few weeks to burn away before going into Hospital.

Blood Pressure

I am really pleased about my Blood Pressure readings. They are plummeting and I even managed to have a normal reading at the Hospital so things really are getting seriously better.

I've been on a part of the Budwig Diet for just under three weeks. In that time, my skin and circulation has felt better and my blood pressure appears to have come down significantly. There are other noticeable differences which, let's just say, a more fibrous diet appears to have improved too.

I'm trying to keep away from sugar, starches, high fat products, preserved meats and I'm generally eating far more fruit and veg with quite a bit of fish, lots of cottage cheese and lots of soups. I have all sorts of dried fruit and nuts too. The only thing that's taking time is to wean myself off artificial sweeteners which appear to receive a bad press. I'm using some syrup naturally pressed from fruit but after trying it in my coffee found the taste not to my liking - it is great with FOCC Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese. What I have now started doing is to mix the FOCC, add some milk to make it less thick then pour it over breakfast cereal, Weetabix or Bran Flakes or Cheerios all of which just help to make it a breakfast rather than eating a gritty thick cream.

I'm really pleased at the way it is all going, I hope that today's blood test may also show good improvement. As the Tesco Advert says "Every Little Helps" too right it does.

Pre-Assessment

Went better than expected. Blood pressure of 143 of 93 was the lowest ever recorded there and although heart rate was 120 I managed to deep breath it down to around 100 eventually.

ECG was fine albeit heart was racing again. The nurse knows me well and did my blood test in seconds - she is very good and knows that all I need is to take it easy and not get any sudden shocks. The Doctor was very late so I didn't leave for at least an hour after when I normally do - in normal circumstances I'm in and out in around 30 or 40 minutes. I note that I was second to be seen today but as it is quite a wait until I go in I don't think I can read much into that at all.

Home to a nice cup of coffee (which I didn't have before I went!). Had my FOCC for breakfast and quite a bit of water to make sure I could provide a urine sample on demand at the Hospital.

So we are all set for the 20th June now. My GP can now also have copies of my blood results and hopefully all will be well. Which is what the Doctor said after examining me - not heard that before. They'll make a decision based on those results? So all done, once again. Good old MP3 player as well as I was able just to relax with that - I should perhaps have taken my Kindle too as that would have helped me calm down. Being late on my way home I got caught in a shower - which wasn't meant to arrive until tomorrow :-) Mmmm

Hospital in the morning

At least it isn't the crack of dawn this time and so I can get up about 7:30, do some exercises and then breakfast and head off for my appointment. It's a pleasant walk there and back and if they get to see me quickly I'll be happy enough. At least I don't need to get two blood tests - I will be interested to see what the results are like though - I wonder if they are much lower than they were pre FOCC?

Once tomorrow's out of the way I'll be happy and then can just wait until the 20th hits for the operation itself.

I hate going to the Doctors

For obvious reasons in my case I hate going to the Doctors - I associate it with being ill and I hate the heat in the waiting room and the doctor's room. Why is it always so hot? I was sweating by the time I left - that is how hot it was.

So - Blood Pressure - through the roof . My readings - pretty good especially Diastolic which have come down substantially in the past few weeks. They had wanted to see me in January but they were a little concerned over some of the results in my blood test. Some bits were high - not alarmingly high. We worked out that the fasting bit I had managed to over do a fair amount and was probably de-hydrated too - considering that I probably didn't have anything from 9pm in the evening until about 11 or 12 the next day it isn't surprising but. I have a pre-assessment tomorrow so they'll be able to share data. the other reading that was high was my Triglyceride - which is interesting. As it was Christmas I am guessing I probably pigged out on some cakes and stuff around that time. I don't now of course and I'm on the FOCC first thing every morning - it will be interesting to see if things are better now given that I don't touch bread, cakes, biscuits and the like but I am ingesting Flax Oil - I'll be interested to see what happens on that.

I did early exercise this morning and measured my BP, printed and took that down to the GPs so they could see what the difference is in my home BP readings and those at the GPs. I intend to do the same tomorrow and also to make sure that I take a copy for the Hospital too.

So - there you have it - I really hate the doctors but at least I know one thing - the protocol I'm on now should help me to get my body back into some sort of balance. My diastolic blood pressure has dropped significantly in the past 2 or 3 weeks - much lower than I've ever seen it and my systolic seems to be coming down too - not as much as the diastolic but enough to convince me that continuing with FOCC and exercise and my diet which is pretty much free of anything like bread, cakes, cheese, butter or margarine, ham and processed foods is worth continuing and seeing where it takes me.

Tuesday morning

it's about 0:50 Tuesday morning - I have to go and see the Doctor in the morning but got involved in reading an interesting article and my brain is now racing - I want to get up early tomorrow and may have queered that by staying awake and probably not getting to sleep for a few hours with my head like this.

I am in a better frame of mind - I think last week's little wobble just brought back the bad thoughts around whether we were barking mad going off to set up the business. I guess that happens a lot but we really didn't need the "alternative approach" lecture last week - we know that - however it has meant we have re visited it briefly and done a stop and check - met a few very trusted people and actually feel that we probably are on the right track. It means losing another one of our passengers but hey ho - we will just have to sort that out as we go -perhaps it is for a reason.

I'm not at all sure about going to visit the Doctor tomorrow - I think it could be "interesting" but let's see - if it is just a BP check and a chat then perhaps I'll manage with that. I've plenty of other stuff to be thinking about and that's not helping settle me of course.

Oh well best be off and see if I can get some sleep.

Apprehension

Is exactly what I'm feeling - it's 00:15 Monday morning - I'm awake, I'm trying hard to be positive this week and yet I don't feel positive at all. I think the impact of last week's set back on the business still shook me and I spent a lot of time at the weekend trying to rationalise that.

It's a matter of stepping up once again and really getting a grip of the stuff we have left to do. The biggest disappointment has been people. In fact all along it's been people. We've suffered from a lack of commitment or, as in last week's case, through some strange behaviour. Invariably the 6 people who started last year's journey went to 4 and is now definitely 2. I think that there's a bad taste about it too as the risk is all ours, in a way we knew it would be but not to this depth. It's frightening that they've let it go when they were so enthusiastic. I think if it had been me I would have tried hard to stay involved and to do something, no matter how little it would be.

Oh well - another day tomorrow and hopefully when Tuesday and Wednesday are out of my system I feel better:

Tuesday is a review with my GP - it is very early in the morning so we can get that out of the way. Wednesday is Pre-Assessment day and again early enough that I can be home around mid morning. I am quite worried about both of them and I think it is just a combination of the way things are at the moment. I'm having one of my feeling down moments. I'll spring back, I always do.

My fear is that I may be getting like my dad and starting to get this anxiety streak. I hear myself sometimes and pull myself back into check. I feel his frustration - I too hate getting old and having had cancer it throws many worries into your head (justified or not). Many of these are not nice scenarios - you play through what-ifs and off you go into a bad place. I'm reasonably good at policing myself, I'm reasonably good at being upbeat but you must have these occasional blips - it's natural.

Talking of natural - I'm really pleased that I'm continuing to eat more fruit and veg and my FOCC in the morning and I've started to begin to feel the benefit - I must remember that I need to keep at it and not to fall back into the trap that I did after the last visit to the Hospital where they beat me up so bad that I fell out of the habit of exercising.

Weekend - Respite

I shall leave work alone (if I can) and just try and chill out a bit :-)

Last night's end of season supper was very nice indeed and thoroughly enjoyed it. Yesterday we were sat at a Costa in the next town north of here. The windows were open, it was a lovely day and the convertibles were out, Bentley, Porche, Lexus, Ferarri, Chrysler and all sorts - it was almost continental. Surprising factoid? There are more convertibles per head in the UK than in the US. Not surprising for a country that has only the weather as a main topic of conversation.

I've been on this FOCC "diet" for over a week now - I actually noticed that I've lost a fair bit of weight already as I fitted comfortably into a shirt that was tugging around the middle two weeks ago. That's encouraging. Also still noticing that skin and circulation appear to be really good. The funny thing was at last night's supper - it must have been the largest meal I've had for a long time as I could barely eat it all - and a lot of it was salad.

End on a funny - might as well publish it here for a laugh. Flocky Bicep calls me on his way to work with a strange request. He is going to be passing the house and needs to pop in to see me. His day involves going to work then getting changed into a formal suit and driving off to a meeting and on the way back he pops in to see us at the Supper.

The reason he needs to pop in and see me? He's forgotten to pack any socks! :-) As luck would have it, there was a spare pair of dark socks I could lend him!! Strange but true..

Strange Day

So I wake at 04:30 and cannot get back to sleep - my mind is racing and eventually I give in at 5:00 and get up. I delay breakfast until 6:30 but I am wide awake and not in a "good place". Not a good place because of the meeting on Wednesday. Have I been wasting my time? Did I just spend a year of my life going nowhere?

Well - no I didn't. Not at all. But the seed of doubt was sown and I'm not strong enough (still - though I used to be) to quash this. However, my partner and I are convinced that the due diligence we have done is good - perhaps we aren't communicating it properly.

Tonight we get a chance to let our hair down a bit and have an evening of food, wine, good fun, a few beers and that's just great as it relieves the pressure and I get a weekend to reflect.

My business partner is very generous and drives us to and from the event and we partake of a few beverages :-)

The day is an up and down one - we hit every emotion and every high and low - but we still come out on top.

Next week is not great for me - but perhaps - I just ought to reflect that it could be worse, a lot worse :-)

FOCC one week in

Well - I've stuck to the morning ritual of grinding flax seeds, mixing Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese and as time has gone on, I've added a little milk and then put that onto some breakfast cereal and that seems to work extremely well. The slightly bitter taste of the mixture compliments the cereal.

My blood pressure is all over the place - I'm not absolutely certain what is going on. I've decided that I need to keep my eye on this as I am due into see the GP on Tuesday and the then have my Pre-Assessment on Wednesday. I may resort to exercising in the morning rather than the evening. In the evening, when I exercise my blood pressure is lower by some margin.

I'm feeling fine, I certainly feel that my skin is warmer to the touch and I feel quite well in myself. I have no idea if anything else has changed in the past week but I'm going to keep on with this regime, it isn't strenuous and with the exercise and diet - I can begin to feel the benefits. Unfortunately there is a large evening meal coming up tomorrow - but after that - perhaps I can have a few months without the big meals and drinks.

After yesterday's meeting, my colleague and I are left feeling a little flat and a little deflated. In a way, it is because we got a "different story" this time from one of our advisers - different to what he told us some time ago. The trouble is we were working on that advice and now it has changed. It was a strange day and we just need a bit of time to regroup and take stock. It is always difficult when we want to do something "right" but there is a "quick and dirty" way that you might be forced to go in to cut corners to get to the same place. If we do that, we know we have to then change the business later to put it back the way it should be which makes you wonder why you'd do that :-)

Interestingly one of the comments was that we may need to move to the US to get funding? Hmmmmm. Anyway - it has knocked us sideways a bit but we just need to dust ourselves off and review where we go next.

Phew - Mum said there's be days like this

Strewth. That was hard going and justifiably so. We had our first review of our finances today and got royally torn apart - good job in a way as we deserved to and knew that was going to happen. The reason is simple, we have been working, just the 2 of us, flat out for close to a year now on this opportunity. Some say we are too detailed, some not detailed enough and everyone's an expert in this sort of stuff. Today though was a real test of the work we have done so far.

It's kind of scary as we were taking it all quite well and then something turned up we weren't expecting which has thrown us a bit - not in a bad way but the desired effect is that we need to stop for a short while, consider what we have just heard and then go back to the drawing board and alter a couple of our plans. It isn't as drastic as it sounds because we have structured everything to be able to be altered. It just means that we will probably add another month onto our workload.

It's at times like this that you realise just how out on a limb we are. I'm off to the Jazz Night tonight so can let that wash over me and return refreshed tomorrow.

Another Lesson Learnt

Don't exercise to AC/DC :-)

I almost got my record distance of 7.4kM today fell short at 7.3kM which is 4.54 Miles in 30 minutes - not bad for an overweight fat over middle aged guy!

It certainly gives you some Ooommmpphhh that's for certain. I feel that Brahms Lullaby might be better for me next time :-)

Now though - has it helped my Blood Pressure which was off the scale this morning?

Well after 5 minutes after exercise it is down to 132 over 94 with a pulse of 121.
After 10 Minutes 136 over 89 and pulse 112

I think my pulse is a bit high but there you go - I've just worked out for30 minutes at close to 9 miles an hour so I suppose that's not too bad for me.

That was bizarre

I just measured my BP and got an almost off the scale reading - the wrong way - like 170 over 110!! What was all that about? Will monitor that as if it is like that next Wednesday the GP will go apoplectic. It's really low after exercise so perhaps something to read into it there.

I also note that I am back to the weight I was last year before I lost loads! How annoying. Working at home and a sedentary lifestyle are to blame! At least I know what to do and how to do it. I do find it difficult to stop working and go and exercise - you somehow feel you are cheating taking time for yourself and yet - I actually work for myself so there's a silliness if ever there was one.

I've turned the living room back from being a Cinema and back to its proper use. Mrs. F. and A are due home later today. I watched Matrix III - not the best of the 3 films but it finished off the viewing from the night before and Saving Private Ryan which is a pretty good film and one that explains a little about the brutality and randomness of the whole thing. It will shortly be the anniversary of that day 67 years ago.

I'm still on the FOCC and today followed yesterday's pattern of making the mixture a bit more runny, putting it on top of some breakfast cereal and then putting the ground flax seeds on top of that with some dried blueberries and that makes an acceptable start to the day.

Now that's what home alone is all about

Silly I know but I repositioned myself into the centre of my living room and properly adjusted the 5.1 surround sound system and then watched Ronin and followed that up with Matrix II. Both have fab car chases in them and the sound really makes a big difference when set up properly. I have to compromise a bit when the family are here as the speakers go in the corner of the room.

So - how is it going? Alright - I am very happy in my own company and had a day of sport F1 Monaco, the PGA Golf and then my films and I opened a nice bottle of chilled white wine. Excellent.

I am continuing with the FOCC mixture - I made it a little more runny today - slightly by accident - and then - as it looked so loose - added it to some cereal which seemed to work quite well.

I'm feeling OK and I'm hoping that another couple of weeks of this and dieting will see me start to lose weight gradually again. Of course this is interspersed with a visit to the Doctors and then two visits to the Hospital. I hope they don't carve me up like they did last time.

Quiet Tonight

I just watched Kingdom of Heaven - I quite like that and was terribly worried that the DVD had been wrecked but it appears to have been a fault with the TV as when I set it up to check tonight it worked fine. At last, with a quiet house the full 5.1 DTS surround system comes into it's own - there's always background noise in the house normally so it is a treat to listen more closely to the film.

I've continued the FOCC this morning and intend to do this as a regular breakfast - it seems to fill me up nicely for the day too. Tomorrow I need to be up early to collect L and bring her back here then she goes off to stay at her boyfriend's place in Cambridge for the week. Mrs. F. and A went off early and were at the Eden Project (described as Awesome by Photographer A). She should know. Some of her other work is being displayed in the shop in Orpington and it looks as if she will be able to have the whole of the 1st floor area for her own exhibition over the summer. If that happens I will hope to get involved and make sure we give her a good chance of success. Her intern-ship may well help her to further develop her style and it appears to me that she is heading into the Fine Art field with her work but - let's see. I'm always amazed by the way she (artistic people) view the world. She can frame a photograph of something you and I would look at in a totally different way and bring out something hidden or unnoticed. Clever - I enjoy clever people and the way their minds work.

I'm feeling good - I didn't get to do any exercise today as I was running L around. Maybe I'll do some in the morning or perhaps tonight before bed?

The diet took a bit of a knock tonight as I made far too much pasta for my seafood pasta meal it could have fed two - I did manfully work my way through it but I probably should have throw it away - but I hate to see anything wasted. Mrs. F. kindly got me enough Cottage Cheese to last until the middle of the week so I'm OK about getting my FOCC regularly. I'm aiming for everyday if at all possible.

The stuff you don't know

So I get to the funeral and it's rammed inside the church a good turnout from the Lodge and many other institutions. I'm always amazed at the things you don't know about people. It's terribly British - and it may be true elsewhere too - but you never mention what you did in the war - it's just not done old chap :-)

So the Vicar is reading out about our friend's life and when he was a very young man - about 19 years old he was in the Royal Navy and at that tender age was in D-Day+1 and Captained/Piloted a landing craft - under fire, taking people to and from and he navigated all the way over there too. He lost some comrades too.

We - who have known him (some for 50 years) only knew he was a midshipman - we thought in the Royal Navy Voluntary Reserve. You just never know do you, you just never know and these heroes never say anything at all!

It was a lovely service and I got to see his widow and hand over my Eulogy to John - I always find myself lost for words, someone says thanks for coming - so what is your reply? I wanted to? It went as well as it could I suppose.

We then had the wake and ended up in a pub with one of the guys I have a "little trouble with" and we had a very good conversation - he has plenty of troubles at the moment and we discussed those and we discussed - as you do - death and eventually we get around to my condition and we have a good talk about my attitude and why I'm so different these days. He goes off and I am having a beer when our old next door neighbour's son says hello. I ask after his parents and he tells me that his Dad died at the beginning of the year. I'd seen his dad at the Urology Clinic getting checked out at the flow centre - to do with Prostate. However, he didn't actually have that problem he had Kidney Cancer and pretty aggressive too, it had metastasised and was close to his heart and then he got a brain tumour which they sorted but he died earlier in the year just after his 70th birthday. He felt that was significant. His mum was devastated of course. I asked that he convey our sympathy to his mum and the rest of the family. I think I only saw him about 18 months ago but hadn't seen him around the local pub for a while - now I know why.

So I got a lift home from L which was good - she drives OK and so I wasn't feeling worried. Got home and was in two minds whether to go away for a couple of days down to Cornwall or not. I've decided after much deliberation not to go - if I had I would have needed to drive a fair amount and I really do need to get some rest as I have been burning up time and getting very little proper sleep this past week or so. I also want to get ready to sort out the business stuff as we appear to have got a sprint on. Invariably though, I get some "me" time this weekend and bank holiday Monday so I can spend at least a day and a half just in my own company doing what I want to do. I'd like to go and have a holiday but it's a long way and I'm not sure I'd actually rest.

Funeral

Well - it's never good to go to a funeral but we had a good one - if there can be such a thing. I was pleased to take my friend out and buy the beers and have a heart to heart with him today. He, of all the people I know has been sh*t on many times and just makes the best of it. We haven't been seeing eye to eye recently and so today was a good opportunity to resolve that and bury the hatchet which we did I am pleased to say.

The upshot was that I bought the beers all afternoon and that was by design - I'd already told him he wasn't buying anything as he can't afford it. Finally he acceded to my desire. We go back a long way and as at funerals and such things we talked in some (alcohol induced) depth and that was good - we are old friends and needed to clear the air. He doesn't "get me" and sometimes I don't "get him". We understand each other now.

I then bumped into the son of my old next door neighbours who had tragic news - when I asked how his Mum and Dad were he told me that his Dad had died - the last time I had seen him was at the Urology Clinic about 3 or maybe 4 years ago - he was doing the usual Prostate Flow check but his son told me that it was in fact Kidney Cancer that had metastasised that actually caused the problems and that aged just 70 he died of complications from Kidney cancer etc. How bizarre that we had talked about this before my friend had to go home.

I got a lift home from 2nd Daughter L - who picked me up and she drives really well - I was most impressed. Good for her.

Second Day

Well this FOCC - see Steve's explanation for details, is easy enough to follow and I used slightly less quantities to yesterday - a little less than the 6 tablespoons, I used 6 soup spoons which are about 2/3rd of the quantity. It is still quite a bowl full. I added a little milk this time and a little honey which just took the edge off the taste which isn't unpleasant but I guess is more unusual. It reminds me of very thick Muesli I suppose except a lot creamier consistency.

It is encouraging to note that my skin feels warm and soft to the touch and as I said yesterday it feels very much like after I had given up smoking when suddenly you notice these things. It is markedly different but let's not get carried away shall we? It doesn't suit my scientific brain to do that.

I am impressed with the way the Flax Seed Oil disappears into the Cottage Cheese - that's pretty impressive and Steve wisely suggests that you don't do this with motor oil :-)

I have a funeral to go to at midday - one of the Lodge members and I suppose I've known him now for 30 years. In fact when I first met him he was my age! He has had a terrible past 9 years with a fall followed by a stroke, aorta repair and lately stomach cancer. It is terribly sad how the last years of his life were like that. I hope that there will be a good number up at the church for him - I'm sure there will be. I need to get a Taxi there as there are no cars left on the drive - I suppose I could get the push bike out - that would be a laugh. No on second thoughts, I'll get a taxi - I would walk but the lanes are narrow, unsighted and quite dangerous and I'd have to walk the long way which is at least 3 miles if not 4.

I'm quite upbeat about FOCC although it obviously needs to become part of my overall diet and routine. It certainly appears to work for many other people and I just hope that it adds a little something to the overall strategy of looking after myself properly, exercising and doing the best I can to halt / prevent / keep at bay cancer and assist the medical team that way. Even if it is just making you think about or stick to that regime it is a good thing.

Absent Minded

Or maybe distracted a bit - it could be I because if just thinking things through. A Funeral tomorrow - I ought to go - it's as difficult as you like to get there but I think I may get a taxi there, attend the funeral and then wander across the road from the Church to a rather nice pub I know and have a few leisurely beers in a lovely Kent country pub. I can get a taxi back or call on one of the girls to pick me up when they've finished whatever they are doing.

I've been pretty good on my diet this week and with the rest of the family disappearing for the Whitsun weekend - I'll be home alone and so can make sure that I just have stuff off of my own list. They tend to occasionally cook me things I don't want and I tend to try and prepare my food myself so that I get enough but not too much.

Next week is a big for the business as our Financial Man will come on over and we will get a view from him about how near we are to being ready to go to Venture Capitalists for funding. We know there are a few areas that need tightening up and completing and we need to get some wok sorted for the next phase too. What's apparent is that those who have seen the work we have put in are mighty impressed. Let's hope, for our sake they are right and we have a real business here and that we aren't barking mad!

I need to get my concentration back as soon as possible so that I can focus on the business tasks and not get so easily distracted. Hopefully I can work out whatever is in my head this weekend and move on from there.