Remember Kubler Ross?

You may recollect this diagram from some time ago when I was discussing the various stages that people go through especially in terms of someone dying (the grief cycle) and this depiction by Elizabeth Kubler Ross depicts the emotional responses that one goes through. Interestingly we respond to other events in our lives in similar ways and each person responds differently and to greater or lesser extents.

As Change Managers we see this when a major organisational or process change happens in a business. When you get diagnosed with Cancer you tend to follow this sort of pattern. Denial, Anger, Depression are familiar territory too. Being told you are terminal must have a similar impact on you and those around you. Everyone is adapting at different times and in different ways and may be in different phases so it's pretty much a mess all around. It's getting to acceptance that's difficult oh, and by the way, you can slip back and repeat some or all of the cycle again - quite easily if my experience is anything to go by.

Call me sensitive

I was left wondering about the phrase my sister in law used on Sunday night "Don't worry we'll look after you dad for you" and being the cynic that I am - or maybe I was just raw - didn't find it particularly the right thing to say. I'm probably taking it all far too personally but my brain gets thinking and one of the good retorts would have been - "oh so you're going to keep him from dying then?" or some such scathing ugly witticism which, unfortunately my brain is nasty enough to retort with.

I've often worried about that side of my character and in a way could do without the holier than though attitude displayed - if it was actually that and if I didn't read it wrongly. As I mentioned before in my blog, no bugger came and saw me when I was ill and so read into that what you will. I sound a bit hung up on this but it's the guilt of it all. You see, when my parents were local I used to see them every 4 to 6 weeks and they often used to come around here. We used to take the children a lot to see them but they've never ever babysat them whereas my in-laws have on many an occasion. I'm trying to set the scene here for why I shouldn't actually feel guilty. They all moved away around 10 years ago. Since then I've probably seen them twice a year. On some occasions I've seen my parents a bit more often when I travelled a bit more than I do now as I'd plan a stop on the way up or down the country.

My brother lives next door in relation to me - you can walk between their houses in 10 minutes and yet it sounded very much as if they were doing me a favour not being neighbourly to my parents. As I said, perhaps I'm reading it all wrong but it's unlikely me to get characters wildly wrong. I perhaps let people have the benefit of the doubt a little longer than most people would but generally I can smell a bad un. I was amazed that there were 7 of us at the pub and my brother never stuck his hand in his pocket - this from a guy that took a pay cut larger than my yearly salary a few years ago! I could go on about some other stories far worse than just not standing his round (it's a big social stigma in the UK is buying or standing your own round). I then found out that they'd had a bumper day of sales that day - which they didn't mention when we discussed their side business. Pah!

So there you go how to get all bitter and twisted and to balance the going up and seeing your folks who know how busy we are and how difficult it is to get all of us together. It was good that we managed to get all 4 of us together in one place. the girls haven't been to see them for about a year although they did go for a day to pick up 2 large dolls houses - they have one each of my mums houses that wouldn't fit into the new house.

I just need to get my head around it, get the balance right etc. We've offered to do what we can from where we are. I've suggested I can bring up his brother and sister in law to see them - but - he's not that keen. Dad doesn't do visits or anything else - he's always been a very private person and talking to Mrs. F. I realised that my mum and dad don't have any friends at all. They've never had friends around them. Dad's work friends are long missing in action and whilst they know the neighbours it isn't the same at all really. I have no idea what mum is going to do after dad has gone. Maybe she will retreat into herself for a period but I hope that perhaps she won't. We will be able to have her down with us for a while as we now have a spare room. Perhaps she'd like that and perhaps we can introduce her to some new activities or ideas. It worries me that my parents have always done things together, have been inseparable and that they've lived quite quiet, private lives together. Another hurdle to be overcome in good time.

I really don't understand how I'm handling things at the moment, I had a nice experience with my dad this time and he was able to be at his best for a good part of the time. We never did discuss what he wants from me or the elephant in the room but perhaps - after Wednesday - we can start to build up what's needed. I will speak to my mum about it as I've said to her "what do you want from me?" She knows the difficulties as well as I do and she realises that neither of them want me to be there all the time anyway. It's a balance thing and my brother and sister in law are on hand.

Well I'm back to going around in circles and not answering this question or situation properly as it is just too difficult to deal with.

Stunned Silence

That's what I feel like at the moment. The weekend started off well enough we got to Cambridge and picked up L from halls and she was a lot more chatty and animated and so that was good and we drove up via the outskirts of Lincoln and had a break. What I hadn't realised is that we hadn't taken the kids (Kids! 18 and 21) there since they were small - and I mean L was a baby and we happened to be staying nearby so I took them to where my mum was born and the farm house that I used to stay in with my Nan, then her next house where she lived until she died. Past my Aunt and Uncles place, the wharf, the drains (canal drainage) and drove past the old church where my real granddad was buried (I had 3 but only even knew the one).

We got to the Hotel, booked in and had a good evening party with my cousins and my aunt. We will be back up there next April for a wedding which will be nice. I can't believe it but my cousins are 37 and 30 :-)

We drove down to my parents yesterday and stayed overnight (just) when the Hotel sorted us out a couple of rooms :-)

So what can I say, dad looks frail and has lost a lot of weight but his sense of humour and appetite seem to be OK - much better than when I last saw him. He's got the operation this Wednesday and they need to remove the plastic stent and replace it with a stainless steel one. After that we will see what happens. I've known my mum and dad be argumentative - not in a nasty way - they've disagreed about many things may perhaps be the way of it. Mum has flatly banned dad from driving - she thinks his reflexes aren't up to it and I'd have to agree on that - between the two of them though there was a bit more to it than usual. I think it's all to do with the way my dad is charging around as if he can climb Mount Everest and yet he isn't steady on his feet, she is being over protective and he's pushing the boundaries a little too far - as if "danger" is his middle name!

I'm of the opinion that they are in the denial stage at the moment and entering the anger bit. It's difficult to come to terms with and whilst we spoke and we chatted it was definitely the "Elephant in the room" and whilst dad and I spoke about hospital and some areas about cancer - we didn't speak about anything further. I just wished him well on that and we will see what happens after Wednesday. I need to find out about any treatment and I guess they will broach that then.

Met my kid brother and his wife and son. He brought his father in law along - I haven't seen him for years and of course his wife died only a month or so back so I spoke to him about that for a while. So I bought a drink then he did and despite waiting for my brother with a long pregnant pause he wasn't going to buy a round so I ended up doing another. He can be a little bit like that. We had a good old laugh and joke, talked about dad and all that and then his wife told me "Don't worry, we'll look after you dad for you". Now take that as you will but why not cut me and stick me in a barrel of salt? What the hells was that about? But then I've never really got on with her or my brother so it is pretty much par for the course in my estimation. It's difficult enough to get up there and back for us but as I often say - I'm not the one that moved away from here - they all moved away from me and to a place where you need a car to do anything, it's just bizarre.

So apart from that - which I may have misread - I did thank them both for everything they are doing for dad. If they were expecting me to run up and down - then they'd best not hold the breath. With good roads we made it back in 2 1/4 hours - about the best we've ever done from them.

I'm feeling pretty sad about dad at the moment and you can see it is tearing the place apart as the illness starts to get a hold on him and as he gets frailer. I helped him up at one point and his arm is all bony as are his fingers and that of course was a big shock to us as we haven't seen him for some months and he was a couple of stone heavier then. It's nice that he had time for us, this time. It was nice to see him at his best but we did speak about the forgetfulness and other side effects, searching for a word and knowing what it was but not being able to utter it and other stuff I used to find. He's a smart guy and he knows what is happening to him, that's the trouble and that's the tragedy of it. That and that its the anger and denial and no doubt the effort my brother and sister in law are having to put in to control it all. She's doing a grand job but I don't need to be reminded how powerless I am all the time!!!

Well here's the weekend

I'll be heading off in the morning to do the round trip and pick up L from Cambridge on the way - off to my cousin's 30th birthday party for Saturday night then back down to see my dad on Sunday afternoon - and my mum too. Drop L back to the station to get her back to Cambridge and then see my brother in the evening. Go and see my folks again on Monday morning and then get A and Mrs. F. back here for the afternoon as A has to go off and run her Rainbow unit.

Oh well - let's see how it goes - not looking forward to Sunday but perhaps it will be OK.

More when I get back.

Nice evening out

Just myself and a friend and a few beers at the Conservative Club and then we went to a Greek restaurant locally - I've never been there before but it was excellent - a good price and really good food, nice staff and apart from the ambient noise (quarry tiles and large open ceilings).

So nice I'll have to go back as the food was really good and I had some Calves Liver and followed up by kleftiko (literally meaning "in the style of the Klephts", this is lamb slow-baked on the bone, first marinated in garlic and lemon juice, originally cooked in a pit oven. It is said that the Klephts, bandits of the countryside who did not have flocks of their own, would steal lambs or goats and cook the meat in a sealed pit to avoid the smoke being seen). It was beautifully tender and I haven't had one like that for about 15 years or more!

It's local too so hopefully I can get some of the family to go with me next time. Things are moving a pace with the business but I'm now getting ready to go and see my Aunt and cousins and then go and see my dad. I had a long chat with my friend about that tonight and he was very gracious and let me get a load of s**t off my chest - good friends do that. I think I'm ready to go and see the family now :-)

You're just different to me that's all

As I say to some people. You see, there's what it is and what it is, perception and angle you view it from all make us each what we are. Too many people expect conformity from me but, I'm now far worse than I ever was and I don't really conform to normal patterns. I don't think the same and I'm not made up like some people - I find that people seek my opinion and then don't like the answers they get :-) Funny isn't it?

Then there's issues like my dad not wanting to have this huge operation and me defending his corner even though it will probably mean an outcome nobody wants - everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

Given the possibility of being laid up for a month or more because of the operation which may extend his life by a couple of months then the answers are obvious to him and to me. Not everyone gets it though. That's why a lot of people are different to me - they don't face the facts and they don't get the pragmatic decision that needed to be taken.

Back's a little better

What a nightmare that was - I can't believe how many times I've hurt my back recently and so I think I've got to go back to basics here and be very careful about the amount of exercise I do with it. You honestly can't feel it except occasionally when it gets to high speed and your legs feel like they'll cramp and also your sides begin to burn - now to you that would have been a warning sign - to me it was a sign that things were working. I will just have to tone it down to the medium slow pace I originally had it on and not do anything strenuous on it.

After many thunks of Nurofen it appears that my back has stabilised a bit and so I'll be able to go to bed and get some sleep tonight. Hopefully I'll be feeling a little better in the morning.

L appears to have settled down now and it sounds like the locals in her halls are a bunch of social misfits. She's going to hang it out and find people on her course and then it doesn't matter too much - they can form their own clique and to hell with the neighbours. Mind you - who knows with these things - it's their first time away from home and they are all probably at each other's throats.

Sorted

Finally sense has broken out and everything can be done in one go and at one time. A phone call down the right ear and it was sorted out. It doesn't need to be like this people.

On the other front - everything is quiet and we haven't heard from L so hopefully she has settled down a bit and gotten a sense of proportion and met some of her fellow students now.

I've woken with the backache from hell so no more exercise for a few days until I sort this. It must be the vibration plate it doesn't feel like you are doing that much exercise and yet you must. I will need to take it right back to the lower settings = I'd built up to over 50% but obviously need to tone that down a bit.

More Craziness

So Dad needs to go in for tests - of course my kid brother can't keep running around but they want him in x number of times (why they can't coordinate it I don't know but as I reassuringly say to my parents - don't ever expect them to move at your speed or do what you expect them to do). So they say they can send a car for Dad (or transport or whatever) but my mum (who now hasn't driven a car for about 10 years I guess) cannot catch said car, bus or whatever with Dad she will have to make her own way there. Dad, who hates Hospitals won't go anywhere without her.

Does anyone see a problem in this at all? Obviously not the powers that be in the Hospital fraternity. Some limp wristed wet jobsworth who hasn't got a grey cell in between their sodding ears can't work that one out then. Older people who live miles and miles away and have to have tests and aren't allowed to drive after them and are asked to have someone accompany them on the one hand are then refused the best way to comply with that request. I bet a lot of older people who are ill no longer drive and looking at the prices that they scandalously charge at Hospital car parks these days (don't get ill if you can't afford to pay to park your car - and if they delay your appointment you can get a fine for not having the correct length of parking ticket on your car!!!). Don't get me started. Well I've already said I'll pay for taxis but it is just criminal that they cannot sort something out and that they need to have multiple visits when one would do. It causes all sorts of problems to the patients, it can't be a great way to conduct business and it can't be doing much good to anyone really.

If it wasn't a criminal act, which would stick you in jail by the wet liberals in this country, I'd like to go down there and kick some people up the arse until they actually did the job that they are paid for. I mean here is a shocker for you here is an article that came out in 2004 and there are others more recently here and here that give the shocking truth that our NHS which you hear all the shocking stories about it being under manned and wasteful and too many closures and all that is the fourth largest employer in the WORLD. Yes the world - how about that? SO when someone was ranting about losing 10,000 people in the NHS this year they should perhaps look to note that natural wastage of employees in the NHS is around 50,000 per year anyway.

All those people and they can't sort out something simple like getting a sick man and his carer together on the same transport FFS. Get a sodding grip people, no wonder the world's in the state that it is in if you can't arrange a piss up in a brewery - it really is simple stuff to sort out.

Not Again

Well I don't think so - got the "can I come home?" message tonight. Luckily a talk with A and Mrs. F. averted the crisis. What's wrong with people who expect (in less than 24 hours) that it won't be a little difficult to make new friends or to perhaps be lonely. It must be me - I don't get it. I suppose having wanted to get out of the house (in a nice way) and working away from home, wanting my own flat etc means that I've quite often found myself in strange places, knowing absolutely no one. However, I think I'd have given it a full couple of weeks first, I mean Uni hasn't even started yet FFS!

Mrs. F. could obviously see how annoyed I was about it but sense appears to have prevailed. I just find it difficult to work out. It's not as if she hasn't gone off for holidays, a huge trek in South America or other such things - there you go though - you sometimes can't work it out can you - or it must be me. I find the whole thing preposterous and it's like not liking something you've never tried, some sort of fad.

Anyway - it appears that she has taken refuge at the boyfriend's house and will retry tomorrow to get to know her flat mates. Maybe she'll give them a little time to get to know her rather than expecting life long blending in 5 minutes. Right - Cynical and Sarcastic voice off and flame off for now.

Cancer Fighting Strategies

A friend of mine posted this on Twitter the other day. I've reproduced it here and it's worth having a look at but in my ignorance I can only really comment on the Oxygenation piece that mentions to FOCC budwig part of the diet that I follow which so far, touch wood, appears to be doing fine by me - especially in the area of my blood pressure which remains normal - which is pretty good for me :-)

There are a number of things on the list that look as if they make sense but I'm no practitioner and so I'm going to be spending a bit more time reading it slowly and taking it in and seeing if it makes sense to me.

There is certainly a lot of information there and as I said above I can only really comment on the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese protocol and not the rest.

How annoying

We went out for a curry and had a good evening but then L realised that her eyes were hurting and it looks as if the eye infection she had before she went away had returned. So she dashed off to A&E (ER) and got that sorted. In between times some friends had dropped in as surprise but of course she wasn't there!

I went to bed quite late and was woken by serious a really stomach ache and back ache and I couldn't get comfortable but it wasn't or didn't feel serious it was just hurting a hell of a lot. I'm almost certain it was trapped wind whcih I won't even tell you how I came to that conclusion but it meant I couldn't travel with L, A & Mrs. F. to Cambridge. I eventually got up some hours later and slowly began to feel better and now I'm off to bed early to catch up on the sleep I didn't get. I'll be seeing L next week to hear how she's got on this week and no doubt we will talk down the week.

I spoke to dad he's getting over his horrible turn from the hospital last week or whenever it was. He's bright enough but has a series of appointments and procedures this week! I've suggested mum talk to them and understand why the letters they've received are different to what they've been told. I've set the scene in a way too that I won't be around for the next couple of weeks after we go this weekend.

Well - let's see what this coming week brings. I know I'm going to miss young L being around the house but as I said to her this morning - she's going to have the time of her life in between studying so go for it and enjoy every minute of it. Her friends who have now finished have all said that they really wanted to be back at Uni as they miss it so much.

Live for Today

I believe it was Dale Carnegie who coined that some years ago - it was to do with - and I'm paraphrasing this so bear with me whilst I put my spin on it:

You live for today and mustn't regret the past - that has happened and you cannot do anything about it - it's in the past and that's gone. Neither must you live for tomorrow as well it may not arrive, it means you're not living for today which is the only thing you can live for. Tomorrow hasn't happened, the past can't be changed. In a way it is a difficult way to live as if you are like me you may regret things in the past and sometimes I look back and we were having a conversation tonight and my daughters and my nephew were amazed that you were allowed to smoke on trains, on the underground, in planes, in shops and all over the place. I regret that I ever did smoke but that was the life I was brought up in, everyone smoked and all your mates smoked etc etc.

The point? Well the point is that I was trying to explain that there's things that you need to let go - it's difficult and it isn't in our nature but I am trying like mad to let go of the past as it doesn't help me and it holds you back and that's not good. It warps your mind can poison it too. This is what I find, that things I regret can become a burden and yet there's nothing I can do to change it and that word spoken in anger, or some sort of action I now think wasn't right cannot be undone, forget it and move on. I am finding myself regretting the past but also building up a sort of hit list of people who'd done me wrong and I was planning revenge that realistically I couldn't take, blaming these people for something that it isn't really possible that they'd actually done.

The brain is a strange thing and so I found myself with this stupid set of thoughts and decided that it was time to do something about them. Then Dad got ill and L is off to University proper - staying away and I can see that there's a little reticence about it from L and Mrs. F. and yet I see the positives in this and would have jumped at the chance. It isn't as if we are that far away. But what I was getting to was to be positive, go for the day as tomorrow hasn't happened yet.

So Dad's situation is all about the day and the future isn't looking nice but like us all we can't do anything about that. We can just do our best everyday and not waste it.

The Last Supper? Well Last Curry Actually

We are off out for a family curry to say goodbye and wish good luck to L who is off to Cambridge tomorrow to start University and Freshers week. I really hope that she looks back at this as being the best 3 years of her life - well maybe the rest will be too but you know what I mean.

To me, these years cement your future and you "grow". Mind you I never kept any of my college friends as I didn't particularly bond with them - they were all right but I'd never ever consider them as life long friends - they were just people I worked with and happened to go to college with. In fact I only have one friend left from that time. Both of our lives have been intertwined and it is a shame that the other one from that sort of era died earlier this year. My friends are either old school chums or friends from recent work or from my Masonic circle. Lot's of my friends though met people at University and they still know them and in some cases their marriages were from people they met.

I hope that L gets to meet good friends and has good times as well as enjoys the course she is on. It should be an interesting course for her as she is very good at maths and her course includes business, finance and accountancy so pretty comprehensive and I hope a good foundation to go on and do what she wants in life.

I enjoy it when we all go out - we don't do it half enough in my estimation.

Context

Putting it all into context. That's where I am at in my life at the moment. The business is coming together and making a lot of sense now that the planning is almost but not quite finished. It's been a long road and in reality, we haven't actually started unless we get funding and it all could have been done for nothing :-) That's the reality of the situation and hard as that may seem, it's the bottom line about the business. I'm also involved in another business start-up that is in very early days too and one that may pay some dividends in a few years time. So that's business.

Family will suffer a big upheaval this weekend as L goes to University. Unlike A, she will actually stay away and be in Halls. She's justifiably very excited and a little nervous too but she has a great personality that will carry her through and her boyfriend isn't too far away and in fact neither are we if it comes to it. I used to drive there and back every day for about 6 months when I worked in Cambridge so it can be done :-)

Then there's Dad and his situation to deal with. That is getting a little interesting as his birthday coincides with my Father-In-Laws who is 90 this year and My Nephew who is 30. My cousin is also 30 and we are off to her party in a few weeks - the weekend I go and see my dad. So my sister in law is planning a joint 30th and 90th party which would take place at the weekend when it is my dad's 81st birthday. Do you see the problem? Of course, I'm not sure my Dad would actually want to be doing much to celebrate. We did something for his 80th last year - and of course now I know why he wasn't particularly great at that either. Doctors reckon that dad could have been suffering some sorts of problems for 18 months or more. That fits in exactly with my recollections of the 2 or 3 times I've seen him in that time.

So a number of things will be coming to a head shortly and work and family are the main ones. In a way, I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep some sort of control over some of it but, of course, quite what happens when I see my dad in a week or so will determine what actions I'll be taking on top of the work I'm doing now.

To add a little pressure to everything else I'm trying to sort out finances for the Lodge and need to get those sorted pretty quickly and in between times - it's all a bit much. At least later this month I get a weekend away with my buddies down to Margate - which I hope will be a laugh like it was 2 years ago (doesn't time fly!).

Some Good News

And that's that Steve Kelley over in the US has got another clear from his scope and that they are using new improved cystoscope that means he can go straight on to BCG treatment tomorrow.

That's great news indeed but there's a bit of a mixed bag about the ongoing treatment. Read Here for more information.

I'm quite grateful that my Hospital is 5 minutes (at the most) drive from here and I used to have all my treatments at 2 pm but for Steve who has to go a long way for his treatments it's a different matter.

Anyway, the absolutely brilliant news is that he is clear and can once again go on for the next stage of treatment.

Jazz Night

Was a really good evening and I really enjoyed that first beer - it went down a treat :-)

Didn't talk about Dad to my friends as they are much older than dad and one of our number isn't going to turn up again as his Parkinson's Disease has led to complete lack of control (if you get my drift). Bless him, he's been fighting this for about three years I think and suddenly it's out of control and it is just so sad. So I didn't even bring up my Dad's news and then the other very young chap who had Appendix Cancer now has a UTI so he isn't feeling great. The music was very good though so the list of ailments and problems was kept to a minimum :-)

Whilst I'm writing, let's spare a BIG thought / Prayer / Finger Crossed / or whatever else you do to wish Steve Kelley well on the 8th September as he has his Flexible Cystoscopy. Let's hope that it is all clear and that he can progress on to his next set of treatments (I believe it is a maintenance set of BCGs). Steve's had the whole of summer off and has been looking after himself with a new diet, FOCC, exercise (which still sucks) and various supplements, all of which add to a regime of eating and exercising in an effort to combat cancer and it's causes.

Things move on apace here as L gets ready to go to Cambridge this weekend. I'm so pleased for her. Of course we are going to miss her a lot but what an opportunity and one that I never experienced - I just hope she grasps it and realises that these 3 years will probably be the best of her life and also that they will bring her life long friendships and experiences that she can cherish forever. I really wish that I had those opportunities when I was her age but if I had, I wouldn't be here now - I probably wouldn't have smoked or worked in the industry I did, met Mrs. F. or had A & L :-) so there you go! :-)

Back in my groove

I'm helping other people come to terms with my Dad's problem :-) Doh! Just like I did with mine, I've been doing the logic and medical bit and saying how it's going to be. It's a bit bizarre as the outcome is pretty much written although I hope to speak to him and see what state of mind he is in about it. I think it will be very different to mine and I've to respect that of course.

Many would think it somewhat selfish but I doubt that they'd have the background and experience to make that sort of call. I like to think perhaps I do have that sort of background and experience and can offer the advice I have without it being impertinent or not called for.

I said it earlier on in this blog that you tend to get the Snake Oil pedlars and Witch Doctors rattling on about something that can only be drunk on the fifth Saturday under a Blue Moon when the Rabbits are mating in the trees or some such tripe and utter bollocks. They really can go to hell and the fast way :-) I won't be pushing anything of the sort - all I can do is explain what I do and see if that's something he'd like to look at. At the moment, even I don't know if it's the right thing for me but so far it's worked so perhaps for him it may help some way. We'll see.

I do feel slightly borderline on things I have to say - I'm certainly a bit confused about what to do. It's a silly question to have but we communicate on very similar plains my dad and I and we don't really tend to say much to each other. We have a laugh and a joke, we are pretty similar people in many ways and I'm not convinced that he's going to want me to be attending his side a lot. Certainly see him more often but I can't imagine him actually wanting me to be there that often. I'll speak to him when I see him and see what he wants to do - after all it's his decision and I'll follow his wishes.

A Plan

I've been speaking to Mrs. F. and I reckon I could make a plan to go up and back most weekends to see my dad. I guess it all depends on how serious things are, quite how accurate the medical team are and quite what his expectations are. I'm trying not to sound mechanical or uncaring or that in some way my presence will not be too much or too little and not an imposition. Of course, what IS the right thing to do also comes into it.

This month I'm only available to see him on the day I have free to see him. October may be a bit different I suppose especially as it is his 81st Birthday. It's mostly up to him and I'm wanting to be there and at the same time not wanting to either.

It's all pretty confusing at the moment. For example, I see my parents once or twice a year and have done for the past 5 or so years. I saw a lot more of them before I was ill as I was driving a lot and so made detours to go see them on the way to and from Yorkshire where I worked for a while and on other trips too. When they had the old house we stayed a little longer and generally we try and stay for two or three days at a time. We coincided a Narrow Boat holiday to cruise right past their door and stayed with them then too. So I do try but the main contact is by phone, religiously twice a week now it used to be once a week and when needed.

So I'm in a dilemma about being good company or not and I'm being a bit selfish too and I don't know if I'm going to be comfortable with myself for not seeing him more. Let's face it, if he'd have had something that brought about his demise in the past few years I wouldn't have been there and that's the problem with it all. I have lived in this house for 23 years and I've lived for the most part here since I was 10 years old when my parents moved out of London. It was my parents and my brother that made the move to Norfolk/Cambridgeshire and I have to accept that I'm a bit stuck about that and what it means is that I wont see my father many times more now and my brother will see a lot of him. Maybe I feel I'm not doing my bit? Maybe I am? It's a quandary all right and one I'm not sure I have the answers to at the moment.

My friends all tell me it was important for them to be there at the end to have had the time with their dads especially one whose dad died very suddenly.

So my side is this. I've lived through my illness and I may still be living through it as far as I know. I very much doubt I'll have a normal life any more. The sword of Damocles hangs over my head every time I go to the toilet and urinate and every time I go to be checked. My cancer can come back and without doubt it was my burden to carry and whilst I am aware that everyone around me may have suffered - I very much doubt that it matched the physical symptoms but I know that mentally it did affect many. Mrs. F. and the girls are pretty pragmatic people. As a family unit we are pretty much matter of fact, logical, things will be what they will be and I dislike myself immensely as I too have a very matter of fact outlook on what is happening now. Sure I do get troubled and I do worry and I am sad but I'm also a realist and things have to be what they will be. Life has a beginning and it has an end.

I know what I dread and that is seeing what I saw in myself and after having lived through my experience I will see in my father what I saw in myself but what didn't happen in my instance (but could well have). Some take my attitude as being hard and uncaring and yet in reality that isn't the case, it is being realistic. Should I go see my Dad many times a week when frankly the last time I saw him that often was when we worked in the same building 20 years ago. Generally I'd see my parents 10 times a year when they were local and now I see them twice a year if we are lucky. I don't know - I'm sure my mum, dad and brother will make their opinion known when I see them in a few weeks.

It's also fair to say that I'm not very close to my dad either - we get on fine don't get me wrong. We laugh and joke we aren't in any way estranged or anything like that but he is and always has been an introverted and very private person and whilst he will always be my dad, we never did things together after I left home. We've never been out drinking, cricket or football or any event I can think of and I've no complaints about that either - it's not my thing either. We did all the father and son stuff when I was a kid so that was great. He's been great with the Kids - he's known as "Funny Granddad" for good reason, he's there if you need him and he's never given advice (unlike my mum LOL) except when asked for and never ventured to many opinions - occasionally when I was a bit younger he gave me some sage words of advice (I was a little headstrong before I settled down a bit).

And that's it. He's never asked me for anything and we all get along OK. I have a number of slight moans about him not doing things like attending family parties and get togethers leaving us as the lone representatives because my brother doesn't "travel well" either by the looks of things. My exile during my illness and the fact that the spare rooms no longer exist and I stay in a Hotel (well Pub) nearby these days to make the journey more bearable and to have a bit of extra time there.

I feel like I'm being really selfish about this and I know I'll be unhappy with myself if "I'm not there when..." or should something happen but at the end of the day, if it had been local and they hadn't moved then I could indeed share the car journeys, hospital visits and some of my experience I suppose. It's a guilt trip and one that I probably cannot win because no matter what I do decide to do it won't be enough either in my eyes, my parents or my brothers.

Wedding Update

It was an interesting wedding venue and the bride and groom stayed in a tree house for their first night which was near the huge marquee and tea-lit woods.  Very unusual.

My dad was mentioned but only in passing and so I didn't have to listen to people not being able to express themselves.  I have a very simple view of these things and that's brought about through my own experience - of course.  Spoke to mum today and things seem OK, dad's recovering from this awful bug he picked up at the hospital but other than that he is fine and beginning to eat again properly.  He was being cheeky so definitely on the mend!

I heard one bit of advice about "being there" as often as possible but I'm not sure that is possible for me as such - it's difficult and we are having to make arrangements to be there.  I know I should try and I'm stuck here wondering what I should and should not be doing.  Perhaps dad will give me his own message when I'm there in a few weeks time. In a way that's the difficult part for me, I work all week, I haven't paid myself in over a year and I need to get things happening for my own family and myself so using up my spare time - of which I have very little is going to be difficult.  I'll just have to work out what I can and cannot do in the time available to me.  Sound callous but somewhere along the line I need to be realistic.  I'd dearly love to be 30 or 40 minutes drive from them so I could see them at weekends and once or twice a week but I'd need to invest 5 or 6 hours to do a trip and that really slows down and limits my available options.