Just Chill

I am absolutely buzzing and flying at the moment - someone's emptied a gallon of go-go juice into me and I feel like I've been on too many Double Espressos. I haven't felt this well in years but it's as if the flood gates have been opened and I'm just going off in all directions, doing stuff, working long hours, thinking too much, doing too much and then for some reason taking to beating myself up for not helping people and being self-centred. It is a real big bang sort of thing going on. I don't quite get it. Where has all this energy come from - you should have seen me striding down to the Jazz last night - big bold fast steps, I felt fit and healthy - I was glad to be alive and then, I rounded on myself, all the "regrets" of the past - all the things I perhaps should have done and how guilty I feel about this concentrating on myself.

The reality is somewhat different than this space I'm currently inhabiting but this is disturbing me now. I feel the best I've felt for years, I have some physical strength back and I am building a business and being creative and that is building self esteem and confidence. The issue really is to stop my head and my emotions ripping me apart here. The survivor syndrome, the regrets for being very inward facing and full of my own self importance, concentrating on getting myself better etc. I doubt many people would blame me for being like that, for reacting in the way I did. But, I'm not many people, I'm me and I've not forgiven myself for it yet.

I am going to have to try and keep this in check, it is destructive to me and its self inflicted. You learn a lot about yourself whether going through a serious illness or like I am at the moment building a business. It's about the journey - it should be done without regrets. Give it your best shot. I wonder if I have set myself some really high ideals and somehow - now - I feel I am not meeting them? Whatever it is I have to stop giving myself such a hard time, my head is trying to undermine everything, make me guilty and is telling me that I've let people down. How stupid is that? I have enough problems combating what life threw at me I shouldn't have to deal with being given a hard time by myself when it probably isn't justified or particularly well argued.