Things that make me feel a little queasy

I had the most horrible set of flash backs over night. Back to them sticking things into me and my own personal horrors. I know that perhaps you shouldn't say that things are horrible but they are and probably more so now than they were then. A bit more about this later.

A friend tweeted this earlier today and I went and read it and got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the slight ache of stress in my chest kicks in. It isn't that it is inaccurate - far from it, neither is it anything other than what it is. It doesn't mention one thing in my humble opinion and that is what it does to your head. I think that it must do something if you've got the news that it is - or it may be - terminal - you need to deal with that. They don't say all the ways it messes with your mind. Your perception of self and your self-esteem, your morals, your faith, your friends and family, your relationship with the world and your interaction with your environment. Reality becomes somehow different, things move from extreme to extreme - logic somehow gets thrust to one side and your whole mind and body goes out of equilibrium throwing you a huge curve ball and knocking you off balance. You can choose many ways to behave and many ways to combat it but that whole section seemed to me to be missing as it is in the Consultant's room too. We treat the physical manifestation of the disease and we rarely, if ever, in my opinion and experience, treat the massive impact it has on your psychological well being.

Remembering what I used to be like and I'm not entirely changed so I'm told, I am now far more of a comedian than I was before - I was funny before now I am more so, more sarcastic, quick witted and many other things but I can go too far and don't know when to stop (until I know when to stop which may have been too late). I am confident but also much less pushy and (know it all is probably too harsh) assertive, unless I really want to be. Nowadays I really don't do fools and jobs-worths at all - they really take a bashing. However, I fall apart really Quickly, I get terrible guilt trips and find silly things to reproach myself for even if I could in no way have influenced them or done anything about them, I find many things make me emotional. Anything to do with my children can reduce me to a wreck - just silly stuff this is, remembering them bringing me something back from school can turn me into some sort of weepy film scenario. I'm not sure what that is exactly but it's all connected and this isn't just family this is anything that is sweet or sad - I think it has to do with innocence and starting out that way and then all the stuff that come afterwards. It is one of the many injustices that exist in this world that cancer makes you aware of.

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and said something about "sorting yourself out" it isn't that I am probably any different to anyone else - I mean what/who have I got to compare my feelings with anyway? Perhaps that's it - I have a few friends who I have discussed it with but I certainly don't tend to talk about to anybody much apart from this blog which - bless its heart - gets the full ire and angst to deal with, it gets the lot doesn't it :-)

So back to the flash backs and these are intermingled with the kids - they are mainly happy memories but these make me sad (perhaps something lost - me working hard when they were little and not being there enough?). I feel bad about just about anything to do with my pre-cancer life. I'm sure they don't feel like that but I just happen to. Then the hospital flash backs - which were just not nice at all. I don't know why but maybe again it is the brain processing stuff and just reminding me that it isn't all over yet and as much as I think I'm walking away from this, it is part of my life and always will be for better or worse, it happened and it isn't finished yet.