Ostracized

Ever felt like that? I feel like that. Not from friends or work. No, from family and it feels weird and upsetting. Mrs. F. picked me up tonight and I asked her to talk to the centre manager as we are trying to arrange L's 18th birthday party. It was if I had tipped acid over her when I asked her to discuss it. Me - I don't actually give a sh*t one way or the other but she is the one pushing for it and can't find anywhere. I find a venue willing to take us and she treats me like something she just trod on and hardly communicates with the manager. I'm feeling pretty pissed off I have to say having gone out of my way and, in a way, stuck my neck out for this to get almost brushed off and shown up in front of someone that I deal with quite a bit who is only, after all, doing a favour because it is me who asked. They wouldn't entertain anyone else doing it.

I almost went into "base speak" tonight as I felt like I was some sort of leper the way I was treated. I'm fuming and angry at the moment - at times like this I like the blog as it takes my anger and aggression not anyone or anything else. In fact this whole week has been one that has altered my way of thinking about almost everything.

Tonight I heard that a friend of mine now has Leukaemia after just having had his Bowel Cancer sorted. It isn't great news I'm afraid and I feel bad for him as we spoke a few weeks back about his troubles and I discussed some of the issues I had and we swapped notes like old pros but he isn't going to make it and I feel desperately sorry about that. Life isn't fair sometimes and he hasn't long retired and moved down to the coast and got himself established there. It makes me want to cry although I rarely do these days. I sort of fill up but manage to stop it there normally.

This is part of this journey or being a little bit strange and a little bit weird and a little unpredictable and lateral. Of knowing something that other non sufferers don't. Of venting like some mad man and of just getting utterly angry with everyone and everything.

I had a great evening and Mrs. F. turned up and completely ruined it for me.

In all this has been one of those weeks. In a way a monkey had been lifted off my shoulder. The two members of the team whom we were finding hadn't delivered much were about to get my comment that they hadn't delivered much and what did they think they were going to contribute in future. As luck would have it they have both independently come to that conclusion themselves and backed out of the venture. This has done a couple of things. We have suddenly had our belief that this would happen confirmed and it has left a hole in our business. SO we are now at half strength. The thing is we knew this moths ago and we made plans for it but actually hearing it today was a shock. A bit like when you are expecting someone to die and they do it is generally a lot bigger shock than you were expecting or building yourself up for.

That's how I feel right now. Shocked, upset and pretty damn annoyed. Loads of shit all week and for once it would have been nice to have had the slightest sympathy or acknowledgement of my situation. All I feel that has happened is that I've been made a laughing stock or just been treated without any respect - that hurts. I might get over this tonight but I fear that I will just turn in to Mr. Angry for a day or so until I work this anger out of my system.