The Hollow Man

That's how I feel today. Yesterday was a lot better than I thought it would be and the funeral was a Humanist one which was interesting, lots of words and his favourite music. Lots of fond memories and it was a bit sad and a bit funny too. They had dug out some of his old movies and he made comedy sketches which meant that we were laughing and enjoying seeing him again.

It was such a shame that he died in the way he did but sometimes better to go and none of us ever have to see the person we treasured getting old, frail, ill etc? Here was how we remembered him. a tear of sadness in one eye and a tear of joy in the other. Lovely memories of growing up and him being there.

So - hollow man? I'm exhausted from these two funerals and the draining effect they've had on me.

On Wednesday I heard an interesting explanation about why post cancer survivors have this "energy" problem - it's probably written down somewhere or who knows it could be a joint theory of ours :-) What we discussed was that whilst we are being treated, especially immunotherapy or Radio or Chemo we are in a heightened state - somewhat like the level of combat troops and that's why Post Cancer Fatigue is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have the fright or flight response and your adrenaline is pumping along with other essential responses. Imagine if you will holding the fear and fright inside you and it is probably true that you don't let too many (if any) people know just what terrors are running around in your head. Playing with the will it work or won't it? Will I live? Will I die horribly? What am I going to tell the kids? And all of that going on is bound to eat away at you. That keeps you in a heightened state, that uses your reserves. When you need them - you haven't got as much (if any) as you had before and it takes time to rebuild and restock. So when you are already running on empty you run out of steam very quickly.

It may sound like a load of old tosh of course :-) However I tend to think it is near the truth because of the drained feeling I get after these sorts of stressful things. In addition, going to funerals brings back sharp memories of what lies in wait for us all eventually but in my case and I'm sure other cancer survivors - it brings things sharply back into focus about just how lucky I was and what living means.