Goodness me

where did the weekend go to? I'm not posting as much as I used to but that should be a good sign as it means it isn't as important any more and I find myself so engrossed in what we are building that days are beginning to slip by and I'm not thinking Bladder Cancer as much as I used to. My preoccupation with it is waning and at last I am beginning to think that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the light from an oncoming train but more likely the sunshine pouring in from the journey I've been on.

I'm hoping that things can just get better now and that whatever dark place I've been to can stay behind me and that the rest of my life can be brighter, more optimistic and more rewarding again. It's been a pretty hellish 4 1/2 years and it isn't quite over yet but things are moving in the right direction and that's a start.

I've now also come to terms with the reality of the "team" not actually quite being a team and leaving just a few of us to battle to the conclusion of our company setup and there's an inevitability about it. I wrote some time ago that I realised that we were on our own and then I dropped a note out to a few friends and got back an interesting message, it was this:

"You've been 'playing fair' to everyone. giving them the benefit of the doubt, giving them room to edge out of doing things, helping them through their family and work traumas and generally doing everything that you'd expect them to do to you". I guess because I'm like that, it is true, I have tried my hardest to accommodate everyone but, the rub is that they have been getting on with their own lives in that time, doing what they wanted to do and being fair to themselves and not to me. This really is how it is.

I'm off at a tangent for a moment so forgive me. I asked how I should celebrate my 5 years clear this July and got responses back but the ones that suddenly made sense were to thank my close friends (those who had been there for me) and then to go and do something for me. Finally, do something for yourself - to me, that said it all because, of course, I've hardly done anything for myself in all that time.

So back to the earlier piece. I've been fair to everyone, I've used up my patience and I've been let down so how to react. Well, not in a vengeful or spiteful way - not at all. I'm just going to drop the communication now, expect nothing - which is what I normally get - and carry on regardless. Together with my business partner, we've made all the sacrifices and together, we will take our ideas forward. The team will have no further major input as they've not earnt it and they've not done anything for it either. They actually know this but haven't got the balls to own up to it.

That's why things are different today, I've got rid of that monkey on my shoulder and can move on business wise now and I know that I've freed my head up knowing that they aren't treating me with the same levels of respect that I've been treating them with. After all, they have jobs and other things to attend to and are getting on with their own lives - time - frankly - that I did the same and got on with mine.

It hurts me because of the way I am but I just need to remind myself of those words "But are these people being fair to you?" The answer is always no so there should be no guilt. I'm working on it :-)