Needed to be said

Well things needed to be said because I kept coming back to the same old road block in my thinking.  I played a scenario where I would live as long as my dad giving me 27 more years on this planet.  I then played the 10 more years until I can "officially" retire, that gave me perhaps 17 years then I worked out that as I'd already had cancer once that I might well be more susceptible to more (I have no evidence whatsoever to support this).

What I kept coming back to was that many of the things in my bucket list were things that only I really would enjoy doing.  I then started making a list of things that Mrs. F. and I enjoy doing together which never got past 2 things!  Many of the things that kept us together in the past, buying and renovating our two houses, the massive garden and all the fruit, doing our own wine and jams etc growing our own veg were all part of how we grew up together, then there were the children and everything has gone into their health and wellbeing and now that they are substantially off our hands (not entirely) there's nothing much left to do and please I don't need a list of suggestions at the moment - only we actually know what would work.

It actually feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and probably off of Mrs. F's too as she is as aware of this as I am and so it just now needs to be worked through.  Unfortunately she isn't a pragmatist or an optimist when it comes to these things.  She can't see that she could easily give up the rubbish job she is in now and we could go and do something far more fulfilling but that's a discussion to come.

Today I'm going to sort out a huge crop of apples that are lying around in the kitchen and a little later will meet up with Flocky Bicep for a few post work beers and a chat.  I do feel quite bad that I've upset Mrs. F. but I also it should at last get stuff out of my head, off of my mindmaps and out for discussion.  If we don't talk it through then there's no chance of resolving things.

Anyway, at least we've kicked off the dialogue and we will see where it goes.  Whilst I don't feel good about that, it needs to happen and containing it like I have for these past years wasn't a good ploy but perhaps I just wasn't ready to do anything about it.  Who knows, cowardice on my side or perhaps, more like me, keeping testing and checking to make sure that it wasn't "in my head" before coming clean.