Facing Your Demons

I still think about my cancer every day and it's not what you might think - it's not a self pity thing or anything like that.  It's more how lucky I am and also most of the time it is something reminding me about it but I don't look back to the really bad times or at least not a lot.  Occasionally I get a reminder of those times and whilst I've considered how other people reacted I've never really explored it.

If I can make an observation about people in general (so it is a generalisation).  I find that they tend to assume a lot and don't understand why you aren't grieving (in the case of my dad), in some sort of ecstasy for beating my cancer nor can they understand why my hair didn't drop out with the treatment - so many things are stereotyped and expected and if you "act" outside of the norm they don't get it.  I'm sure that some want you to perhaps deliver some sort of uplifting message for the assembled to take away about how you beat the Big C.  

Today I read a blog from someone who is coming to terms with their imminent demise and how they are combating the pain and how the family members are now beginning to come apart at the seams.  You can't be a hard bastard all the time and despite what you may think, many people have a stake in you, your health and well-being.  I can see his problem and he's talking about funeral details, number of cars, music and all that.  In a way I'd have liked my dad to have left a few notes for guidance but there you go.  I've written some notes myself which are sufficiently woolly so as to allow those left behind to do what they'd like - it's not as if I'm going to be bothered.

I've blanked a lot of the nasty stuff away and hidden it somewhere stored away and try not to remember the operations nor the BCG treatments.  They are the things that saved my life of course and so you can't dismiss them as such but the truth is that they weren't pleasant and added to the stress of the diagnosis they are some of the low points.  I can't say that I was in much pain - some but not a huge amount although the treatments, as I've often said, aren't for sissies.   It also depended on how your body reacted on a particular day as to how you'd feel.  

When I get these flashbacks (for that is how they appear) they are very disturbing indeed.  I don't know if they are exaggerated or whether they are realistic?  I don't recollect if I was just manning up for the treatments and operations or whether they were that nasty and I blocked it out.   What I do know is that they often catch me unaware as did that blog this morning.  Just reading the issue he was having to deal with and suddenly it all came back to me like a wave.  It was quite upsetting and made me feel really sad and a little ill at the same time.