A New Earth? A New Me?

We are still embargoed folks so hang on to your hats for a while yet - I thought by now it would be OK but not quite.  The title?  Well A New Earth was a book recommended by a very very good friend of mine and we have both had very similar experiences.  We've both done the heavy depression and The Black Dog has been a visitor to both of us in our time.

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose is a self-help book by Eckhart Tolle and it looks at Ego - " it encourages its readers to live their lives in each present moment and to create happiness for themselves without emphasizing material possessions. Tolle's intent is to change the way human beings think, and he envisions a world population that is increasingly more humble, enlightened and pure." 

Now, even for me this is a little "way out there" but in fact it is not really as there are pieces of this book that I've already met and not quite understood, areas of recovery from cancer that touch on some of the very subjects that this book presents.  

I said some time ago that possessions don't mean anything to me anymore, I would be sad to lose the sentimental connection but the material value and the purpose of owning anything doesn't seem to do it for me anymore.  In some items I am a custodian and in others they will disappear and are of no use to me once I'm dead.  There's a phrase I use that I get in trouble for from some people and it is this:

"He who dies with the most toys is still, however, dead"

To me that sort of says it all.  Perhaps I can pass certain stuff on to my kids but just looking at the "value" of things that I have now (Vinyl record collection and so on) they aren't worth anything.  At present we are clearing the garage.  I have a set of Golf Clubs and a Golf Cart - and they are worth?  Nothing, I will give them away as I will with loads of my stuff.  I just don't need it or want it anymore - I have mechanics stuff when I used to (and you could) maintain your own car - these days you need a computer and be able to replace components :-).  

The book is beginning to produce more questions for me and to answer some very interesting parts of my life and my journey.  I've felt for a long time that all the "stuff" we have isn't really necessary and that we place too much emphasis on materialistic things.  I have 2 watches I don't wear them at the same time.  One is my day to day watch the other is my father's watch and is the one thing that I have that was his that I treasure as in a small way when I go out and wear smart clothes he comes along with me and yet it really isn't "that" important in the overall scheme of things, surely I should carry his memory where it belongs in my head?

My recent journey is still only 10 or maybe 11 weeks old and I've come a long long way in that short space of time.  I've tried to let go of the Mr. Spock (Star Trek) logical world I created and went more with my emotions and tried to reassess my life in terms of what I really want.  In some ways I've become quite a dreamer and have started to consider seriously some of my earlier plans to get away from it all, live somewhere else, be someone different.  

Deep down inside I want to finally be at peace with myself and to be happy with who I am and what I am now.  I said that cancer had ripped me apart and reassembled me differently and it has without doubt changed me to my core.  I just haven't accepted that who I am now is different and I've fought against it and baulked at it until finally it cannot be ignored anymore.  I have to accept that I am who I am, I'm not who I used to be and the struggle has been that I've tried to be that person I was all that time ago.  You can't go back and be who you were before cancer (well not in my case) it alters you right down inside.  In the book A New Earth it talks about this Ego, The "I" the "Me", "Myself" and how it is built and how it works and how disruptive it is.  The point is to blot out the Ego if at all possible or to somehow make it ineffective.

In addition the book talks about "thought" the little voice in the back of your head - constantly there constantly talking and in my case analysing and plotting.  I've been able to start to fight back and find myself more alive to my music, I've started reading again, I've done all those chores I should have done months or years back and I've started creative writing and poetry again.  I haven't picked up my musical instruments and painting yet but they are also on the list of things I ought to do.  All the things that used to be outlets for my creativity were suppressed and stopped.  In many ways, I became a prisoner of my own mind and was locked into a self imposed jail bounded by my Ego which made me a victim. 

So no more will that happen and whilst there is even more news, embargoed as it is, life has taken on a different meaning and a different purpose.  Finally the veils are slowly lifting but enough for things to begin to change - some things slowly and some things are more dramatic.  I hope to be able to say something soon on that front but until then this will have to suffice.