Short Update

I'm fine, I'm in a good place and feel quite well both mentally and physically despite major stuff going on in my life.  I'm happy and whilst I am having a real roller coaster of emotions daily it is all going in the right way, I'm keeping very positive (because I'm doing the right thing) and that light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train it's a big wide world but I'm not quite outside blinking in the sunshine just yet. 

Major steps taken this week to get back on my feet after a number of years pursuing different avenues.  Thanks to G (you know who you are), Flocky Bicep (we will both be Caffeine addicts by the end of this my friend!), and K who have all been very supportive.  

Anyway, that will do as an update - no need to worry and all is OK and going well but because occasionally I get  these almost paranoid episodes of self-doubt I'm going to be posting infrequently so as not to use the blog as a Flame Out, I've got another way of letting off steam using private documents.  They are pretty disturbing reading but at least I can get it off my chest and then after I've written it down I realise just how "stupid" these little episodes are - it's all that little voice in the back of your head, the little worm burrowing in and casting doubts.  It isn't going to win but I hate the negativity of it hence - it won't be appearing on the blog until I get past that phase.  

Just a note - imagine someone criticising your every move, someone taking the p1ss out of you all the time (not in a nice way), sarcasm, spite and abuse.  It's like having a bully implanted in your head and its only job is to put you down, to point out your failures and so on.  That's what is going on all the time.  It's a combination of many things including guilt but it won't win but occasionally it just stops me in my tracks because it is so hurtful and this is my own brain but obviously that other side playing Devil's Advocate I guess :-)  Anyway that's what is holding back the posts because sometimes the bully writes the post....

Will go dark again for a while but all is good with me which is the main thing.