Where did the time go?

Yikes, where has the last few weeks gone?  OK we had the housewarming party, I've been to Northampton and back and suddenly what - it's almost the end of June. 

I can't tell you where time has gone but I'm seriously blown off track at the moment but feel that things are coming back on an even keel at last.  It's one of those amazing times we get in our lives where events take us way off of our "planned" course and your life changes forever.  It was actually a year ago that my life really started to change and it's just bizarre that here I am blinking and wondering what on earth just happened :-)  Crazy!

I need to speak to Mrs. F. soon to see what we can do to move things forward.  The biggest issue I suppose is what to do about the house and stuff.  It's all a little strange as I will have to work out lots of other things - like where to live and so on.  It's just the way my crazy world is these days.

Interesting Times

"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times" was one of our sayings when we were at work.  It holds true today.  Life IS very interesting at the moment, very interesting indeed and I'm having quite a bit of difficulty adapting to it.    Things are very different indeed from any past experiences I have had and so a lot of it is new to me.  I hate being an INTJ sometimes because I just can't stop analysing and also stuff that isn't "Logical" really confuses the hell out of me and of course, there's a lot of that in relationships - stuff that isn't logical that is.  It completely throws me out of equilibrium.  

So I'm having to learn a lot of this stuff as we go on and that is proving interesting but not quite as much fun.  Anyway, it will just have to be what it will be - I'm getting there gradually.

I like the fact that I hardly think about Bladder Cancer anymore or anything else around my health either.  

Interesting times?  You bet!  

It's Serious Then?

Given how I'm feeling at the moment with P away at the Isle of Wight Festival, I've got to say that things are pretty serious!  I wasn't expecting to feel quite like this at all but hey, the new me is saying go with it, run with it and see where it takes you.

I still find it quite hard to believe that it's only 7 weeks and 3 days (roughly).  There's something quite strange and surreal about this past week.  It is very strange indeed.  I feel great and yesterday the number of people who came up to me and said that I was looking great these days was more than a dozen.  It's nice to hear as I looked back at my Passport photo and of course I wasn't well when that was done - about 18 months after diagnosis, I look grey and drawn and with huge circles under my eyes.  What a difference.  I am pretty glad about that.

I saw my friend who had hi Bladder removed yesterday and I hadn't seen him since he had the surgery so it was good to catch up and hear his story.  Apparently it was a missed appointment and they may have been able to sort him out if it hadn't got aggressive and gone into the muscle.  He seems fine about it, has lost some weight (a bonus he says) and he has moved down to the coast which is nice I think.

I've been working on how things progress from here going forward.  I really hadn't planned to be quite so involved as I am.  I thought that we might be friends going to gigs together but we are light years beyond that.  I think it is funny as we keep looking at each other and smiling and wondering "how did we get here?"  It doesn't really matter at all, I'm happy and so is P and that's great.  

The Business Of Getting On With Business

It is a business getting on with business.  I need to launch and yet it's the usual decision - when is the right time as so many things are going on in my life at the moment.  We have the house warming party in a week and I'm out for a few days.  I need to talk to P to make sure she is now independent enough to do without me for a short while.  We have discussed that she might help me drive some business in which would be great.

We are talking about taking a little time off and just going away for a few days and getting to know each other dropping the business and personal problems to one side and just having a break.  I hope we can do that.

At the moment everything is ready to go so I just need to start driving the message home and getting people interested in what I do and then for them to spend some money with me.

I want to start to get into some sort of regular business hours as well as getting some order back into my life :-) Food, exercise and work all need to come together in one homogenous way.   Well that's my plan and as we've seen the last 7 weeks have been absolutely full on what with P and my Mum and now the web site is up and running I'm just waiting to "flip the switch" and that just needs a chat with P and for the two of us to be happy about that.

Getting On With Things

Has it really been 7 weeks today since I met P?  Yes it has it feels like no time and a long time all at once.  That's love for you I guess?

All is wonderful and things are fine.  P has decided to go to the Isle Of Wight Festival after all which is great it is going to be a beautiful weekend and she needs a break and to get away and come back refreshed. I'm a little jealous actually as I'd love to have gone but I have two meetings one tomorrow in London, a Black Tie do and then a Lodge meeting on Saturday.  It will be a shame that P won't be here on the Saturday night but I'll see her soon enough on the Sunday.  It's beginning now to get hard to be apart which brings its own pressures of course.

The main thing is to get some things sorted next week.  We are having a sort of house warming party on the 21st June which will be nice - so many people have asked to see the house.  After that I want to knuckle down and get the business rolling.  It's sat here long enough now.

Living with Depression

Once you've been there you can emphasise with those who are depressed or stuck in a rut.  Part of the rut I had (I know this isn't everyone's experience) was that I knew, knew for years, what I had to do.  I knew the answer to get me out of my malaise.  It was and is now blindingly obvious.  Nevertheless we don't take the Occam's Razor we procrastinate and try and work around what is the obvious (and possibly only) answer.  That's how we dig ourselves into a rut or paint ourselves into a corner. 

I like the phrase that we "stare so hard at the closed door that we miss the open one behind us"  I'm helping a good friend and it's exactly that.  To me it is "obvious" what to do but I'm on the outside looking in and I also know that it isn't my decision, they have to come to the answer on their own, all I can do is provide balanced (if possible) facts to work on.  

I recollect how difficult it was the incredible stress, the chest pains the throat constriction - I could hardly even talk when I finally had to deliver the news.  Within moments, it was over, it was SO painful I can't tell you.  I'd hurt the person I'd lived with for 32 or more years and had known for 40 years.  That was awful BUT - BUT after that I came alive and the pain was gone and the weights that dragged me down were gone, my head emptied and suddenly I was at peace with myself.  It was unfortunate that all my pain then descended onto Mrs. F.  I felt awful for doing that but then again, I could no longer live the way I was living I had all but come to a standstill and couldn't concentrate.  I couldn't go on like that and despite the fact that I had my eyes opened and was by then heavily into A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I'd met someone who changed my outlook on life and suddenly made me aware of myself, the now and what could be.  Even that ending was positive.

So today I can really empathise with the struggle that is going on in my friend's head and despite the fact that I know that once that decision is taken (for I strongly believe that the decision was reached - like me - many years ago) the pain will fall away.  I can see now that it is easy for me to say what to do (like many people told me what to do).  The bottom line is that only the person whom the problem affects has the right to make that decision and take it for themselves, they have, after all, to be happy they did the right thing.

In the interim it is a series of circular discussions, going over the same ground, the same facts, the same consequences and the same potential outcomes but who knows what the future truly holds?  The decision is the the thing that is needed and then executing on that.  I am pleased that rather than getting "involved" that I can just act as a sounding board for them.  

I hope that they come to a decision quickly for their own health and to free them up.

A Year is a LONG Time

I looked back at my blog from a year ago.  It was all in code as I'd met this quite wonderful lady - well I'd actually known her a very long time really and we met up and suddenly everything seemed to click and become clear to me.

I got my self esteem back, I got my self confidence back, I believed I could move on and get out of the rut I was in.  It was an awful place and suddenly there was this lovely lady who changed it all for me.  I suppose it depends on whether you believe in Karma but she arrived in my life at just the right time and soon afterwards disappeared again.  It was a little upsetting of course that it didn't continue but everything happens for a reason.  What I saw was a glimpse of how it could be.  I saw how things were when I was younger and when everything was exciting and how the journey started out, with high expectations and high ideals and then how it foundered along the way and the crash into depression (Ooops I used the "D" word there - sorry) and self doubt, victim mode and lost - well - me really.

Somehow, unless you've been there and bumped along the bottom for a while you probably don't get what a lonely and miserable place it is.  Analysing every little mistake you ever made and trying to comprehend how you got to where you are rather than looking at it to see what you can do from where you are now.  Nothing can be undone, unsaid and you can really only operate in the here and the now.  The future hasn't happened yet.  

I knew that my life would change last June - I had no idea that I'd be separated from my wife, in a house share, and now involved with someone else and just looking forward to a life and some excitement.  By that I mean travelling, getting out and actually doing things.  P is a dynamo for getting out and doing things.  It looks exciting and challenging.  It will be what it will be of course and who knows what I'll be writing about next June?  

I just know that I'm in such a much better place at the moment.  The only thing is that I'm not quite giving it my all - something is nagging me to hold back.  It's the 90% thing again - I did this last June (18th/27th) and I can feel myself doing that again now - is it a commitment problem or something deeper - I'm not certain - I'll see how this pans out.

My Life = Utter Chaos

My life is in total chaos at the moment.  The good thing is that I've hardly thought about Bladder Cancer at all in the past 6 weeks.  It is amazing I've lost total track of time and it's June already and I ought to have launched the business.  I can't believe that my life has blown me quite so far off course.  I don't actually mind that too much as the distraction has been quite welcome really although totally unexpected.  

I'm surprised how this has happened but then perhaps I shouldn't be.  The "new" me is so much nicer than the old me.  I'm far more emotional than I used to be as I've said many time in this blog. I don't get all het up these days, I get a little angry still with people but can control that - I'm sure a rising testosterone level may also have something to do with that as well - I have to be on guard as I've noticed that as a change in me.  Above all though I'm calm and resigned these days and also keep trying to explain that things that happened in the past remain in the past and have no bearing whatsoever on the present.  The future isn't here yet and you can't live in the future either.  You have to live in the now - what else can you possibly do.

I like being the new me although I can see the old me trying its hardest to reassert itself.  It is one of those things I'm now aware of.  It is very difficult to maintain the new me persona but I know one thing, I feel great and I am so much happier with myself these days.  I no longer hate myself or beat myself up about things.  The past no longer has any bearing on my present like it used to.  My dreaming and planning are now very loose and not specific and therefore not likely to result in the huge disappointments I used to suffer when they never came true or fell short of expectations.

I like utter chaos although I'm not sure I'd like to live like that all the time :-) 

Eastbourne

Not been there for years and years and so when P said let's go (on a Sunday) I was a bit hesitant.  The traffic was heavy but not too bad - and we got to East Dean OK in time for lunch - this is the Tiger's Head pub - I'd been there a number of times before - very nice too.  Then we headed off to the cliffs.

Tigers Head - East Dean

 It was a nice day although I should have worn cotton trousers not black jeans!  We decided to flake out on top of the cliffs and enjoy the views and just watch the world go by.

A Selfie Gone Wrong?  P and I on the cliffs at Eastbourne

 Part of the walk we did is shown below it is a lot steeper than it looks. 

Cliffs at Eastbourne

It's nice to have got out of the flat for a while and to have walked out and enjoyed the weather which had been predicted to be poor but was delightful although a bit humid.  

So glad that I did the walk though and that P and I were able to enjoy each others company.

I'm feeling great at the moment and healthy and about to change my routine.  I hope that I can stick to it and fit everything in.  

Up and Down Day

It was a good day and P met up with us at Shipbourne Farmer's Market.  We bought some nice produce and some cheese and olives and baklava.  So I managed to cook for P and mum and we had a nice meal out at an old favourite pub of mine from the old days.

P and I were OK today and had a lovely time but she has had to go home tonight. I'm dropping my mum off tomorrow so that my daughter L can take her home which is nice of her - my mum has all sorts of traumas about this and L driving in the dark and goodness knows what else!  She's making up disaster after disaster for not going.  For me it can't come soon enough - I love my mum but a week and a day of this has been over and above the call of duty - honestly - I nearly lost the plot twice today - it's the insane advice and how to do things I get all the time.  I become flabbergasted with it as I'm trying to drive "watch out for that lorry!" "What, that huge great big white thing behind me?"  FFS I can see it and I'm not likely to reverse off my drive at high speed into it!  I've actually been distracted a couple of times and ended up missing turns and going back around roundabouts and told her to stop it as I don't need the distraction.

I will at least be able to go to P's place and relax a little tomorrow night and spend the weekend with her - that will be nice.

How Strange

Indeed things are strange - communication being one of the strange things at the moment.  It's been a bit difficult with my mum here that's for sure.  I love her dearly but it's been a week now and it wears a bit thin I'm afraid and I can't always keep myself happy and cheery in the face of a constant bombardment of advice and ideas.  It's OK to keep saying OK and Yes but it wears you out entirely and that's the problem - I kind of live my own life and I don't particularly like the "views" my mother has on things.  We explored a few today like the number of Rats at anyone time near human beings.  There's loads of these stories "ten times more rats than humans!" "You are never more than 4 foot from a rat" were two I pulled out at random from the list of "scare stories" put about by the press.  

There are 60 Million people on our small island and the rats would number 600 million if there were ten rats to every human.  You'd have thought you'd see one or two of the blighters at least eh?  If you aren't more than 4 foot away from one at any one time then come on, you need to be pretty myopic to miss them.  Where's the data, where's this stuff come from.  So many headlines are utter tosh if you begin to scratch the surface of the arguments.  Mum goes off about the number of Peadophiles and Offenders and all that but, in reality, how many are there really?  Is there one on every street corner or is it more like there is one in every town.  I don't know but it can't be as bad as they picture it in the papers - it just doesn't stack up at all.

My mum has advice of every sort and if I took notice of half of it I'd be down several hundred pounds and have a box full of stuff that I'd never use and don't really need or want.  

Added to that Mrs. F. turning up yesterday and it was pretty obvious to P that I wasn't in a great place at all.  We've had a few wobbly days because of it - I hope that passes over pretty soon, we did have a long chat about it earlier.

Getting Around "that" time of year again

Last year I wondered why I was up and down and sad and confused but, of course, there was also the - shall we call it - affair all happening at the same time.  Jeez it all started this time last year and I can't complain really, it changed my life.

Of course the other thing is that it will have been 8 years since symptoms and diagnosis and operation and the beginning of the journey.  Eight years!  

My friend N and I were both operated on around the same time and so we regularly find ourselves in a strange place in late June and early July.  Of course on top of that my father died the day after my mum's and two days before my birthday in early July.

This year is different and also I'm in another strange place with myself and P.  It's been 8 weeks (well tomorrow it will have been) and things are going well and progressing nicely.  I hope that we will be able to get away for a long weekend just to spend some time on each other not on resolving problems which we've done a fair amount of this past 4 weeks.  

I feel better that my mum and Mrs. F. and A all got on well yesterday - I am pleased that Mrs. F. is now talking a lot more and that it was all amicable and that is doubly great.

Wobbly Day

A really wobbly day today - felt quite sick and not at all me.  Realised it was probably because Mrs. F. and A were coming over to take mum out for some tea and cakes.  I decided to go shopping to get out of the way so I hoped that would make me feel a little better.  

It kind of worked I suppose but it was still a funny old day.  I'd had such a fun day with P the day before and suddenly I was all glum and gloomy.  Unlike me but I suppose as Mrs. F. was turning up at the house it made me feel that I really didn't want to see her.  At least it was nice that my mum got to see A and Mrs. F.

I need to sort out my wobbly days - I haven't had one for a while but seem to get the odd wobble and I really don't need it.

Mum's Are Funny Aren't They?

My mum has a bit of advice for every situation, she makes me roll up and yesterday was so funny.  We were talking about candles and I have some in my room - rather nice ones.  "you'll burn the house down!" she said - I told her that they were a romantic addition and they were safe the way I had them set up and that if she'd experienced the house burning down - well she was using them wrong!  That got her into fits of laughter in the shop!  

The carrying a citronella candle around was a classic.  "What? All the time?"  How was I to know that I'd happen to go to a venue out of town on that particular day when I got bitten?  I was actually going to the centre of town.

So I just laugh and go with it these days and make fun of her when the ideas are so bizarre they need batting into touch!

Nice having mum over to see me and looking forward to a day out with the girls and my mum, nice.  S & P I hope will enjoy themselves.