My life is in total chaos at the moment. The good thing is that I've hardly thought about Bladder Cancer at all in the past 6 weeks. It is amazing I've lost total track of time and it's June already and I ought to have launched the business. I can't believe that my life has blown me quite so far off course. I don't actually mind that too much as the distraction has been quite welcome really although totally unexpected.
I'm surprised how this has happened but then perhaps I shouldn't be. The "new" me is so much nicer than the old me. I'm far more emotional than I used to be as I've said many time in this blog. I don't get all het up these days, I get a little angry still with people but can control that - I'm sure a rising testosterone level may also have something to do with that as well - I have to be on guard as I've noticed that as a change in me. Above all though I'm calm and resigned these days and also keep trying to explain that things that happened in the past remain in the past and have no bearing whatsoever on the present. The future isn't here yet and you can't live in the future either. You have to live in the now - what else can you possibly do.
I like being the new me although I can see the old me trying its hardest to reassert itself. It is one of those things I'm now aware of. It is very difficult to maintain the new me persona but I know one thing, I feel great and I am so much happier with myself these days. I no longer hate myself or beat myself up about things. The past no longer has any bearing on my present like it used to. My dreaming and planning are now very loose and not specific and therefore not likely to result in the huge disappointments I used to suffer when they never came true or fell short of expectations.
I like utter chaos although I'm not sure I'd like to live like that all the time :-)
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After achieving this, the rest is relatively simple: "I've hardly thought about Bladder Cancer at all in the past 6 weeks."
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