It seems to be a bad year as another friend has Cancer and this time it's Prostate and needs an operation. I wonder if that's why P was worried about me - I was sitting down and in my own little world and flashing back to everything that happened to me and then trying to imagine what my friends will have to go through.
You so quickly forget what it was like and I think the mind/brain is very good at locking this stuff out but when you go back and dip in you remember the frightening bits, the worry, the discomfort (for they have stuff for pain), the re-living of all those whom you've known have Cancer and the good and bad bits of course. You can't actually be human if you don't actually know someone who has suffered from, is being treated for or has died of Cancer.
So this week's been very strange for me as I've remembered things (no doubt recorded in the early parts of this blog) that I'd suppressed and hidden. Having been through (I think) it is 11 or 12 operations with Bladder Cancer and about the same number with my ear problems when I was a kid it I can relate to what is going to happen to my friend and my other friend having Chemo I can understand his dilemma too, I think I had 36 Immunotherapy treatments. I can't now recall how I felt at the time as my head has destroyed it. I can read about it but I don't actually relive the experience and that's so strange.
Operations and treatments are intensely personal experiences and you live through them and sometimes they aren't what you were expecting and whilst I was pretty grossed out to have tubes in and out of my body and all sorts of strange things shoved into me it was necessary and my medical team were there to heal me and get rid of the Cancer. The treatments I recall were in many ways worse than the operation to remove the tumours.
The operation is over and done with and you wake up with the work done whilst you weren't awake. Sure you feel groggy as hell and you have sufficient pain killers to make sure you don't feel bad and you can always ask for more etc. Treatments tend to be done whilst awake and come one after the other meaning just as you recover from one, you feel great for a day before they treat you again and you go back to feeling rough again. I likened it being kicked in the balls once a week for six weeks. Just as you got over one you went back and started all over again.
Yes it's been a strange week remembering my history of operations and treatments but having said that it was uncomfortable and if you've read some of the earlier stuff you'll know that it's no easy ride and it isn't for wimps. I was a wimp to start with but I wanted to be cured and I wanted to live. I was determined to see the treatment through and trusted in my consultant and the team (with a few documented exceptions).
Overridingly though, I'm still here and it's got to be 8 years and around 6 years clear. Every minute, hour and day takes me into longer being clear, less likelihood of recurrence and a fitter healthier life.
I've now a new lady in my life and life is really exciting again. It's a little rocky as we've both got baggage but who wouldn't have after 50 years on the Earth :-) I can see a life ahead of me that I wouldn't have had had it not been for the dedication of my health team and the care I was given.
It's a rocky road and your head interferes and messes with your senses and the little voice in your head tries to depress you but don't listen to all that. Today's techniques and drugs and more of us living through Cancer should be encouragement.
I was re-reading a book the other day and it reminded me that Cancer cannot survive in alkaline and sugar free environments. I do need to go "eat my own dog food" though as I haven't been adhering to my diet for the past 6 months and I must get back to it.
Good luck to my friends in their treatment though. The big lesson from being under the NHS was that it is a wonderful organisation but it moves at its own speed you cannot rush it. Likewise it takes longer than you think to recover and get "back to normal" so don't try to rush it and don't do what I did by rushing back to exercise and putting myself back weeks.
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3 comments:
Hello,
My name is Dr. Dana Hansen and I am faculty at Kent State University, College of Nursing. You may view my faculty website page at http://www.kent.edu/nursing/facstaff/bio/~dhansen1/ .
We are contacting you because you are listed as the contact person of the blog. My research team and I are interested in learning about the family caregiver’s experience with reading their loved one’s illness blog.
Therefore, we are conducting a research study and are inviting you to participate. Below are details of the study. You can also find out more by going to our study website: (will be added once website developed).
If you are not the family caregiver of the person with a serious illness, please forward this information to someone who is.
Family caregivers are eligible to participate in the study if:
• Both you and your loved one are 18 years or older
• The blogger/ill person must have a diagnosis of cancer, congestive heart failure (CHF), chronic obstructive lung disease (COPD), or human immunodeficiency virus (HIV)/acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS)
• The blogs must be written in English with a minimum of 1 posting per month
• The family caregiver must participate in the blog by responding to the blog or reading the blog
Procedure and Time Commitment:
The family caregiver should go to our website where they can click on an icon labeled “participate in study”. The family caregiver will be asked to read and agree to a consent form. If they choose not to participate after reading the consent form, they click on the icon labeled “I disagree”.
If the family caregiver agrees to participate, they will complete a form asking their name and how to contact them. Then a member of our research team will contact them to schedule a time to conduct a 1-2 hour interview where we will ask questions about their experience as a caregiver interacting with their loved one on an illness blog. A nominal onetime payment of $50.00 will be sent to the participant once the interview is complete.
Participation is voluntary, refusal to take part in the study involves no penalty or loss of benefits to which participants are otherwise entitled, and participants may withdraw from the study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits to which they are otherwise entitled.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Dr. Dana Hansen
Dana Hansen RN, PhD
Assistant Professor
Kent State University, College of Nursing
113 Henderson Hall, P. O. Box 5190, Kent, OH 44242
Thanks for your comment - I'm afraid that my blog doesn't fit into your overall requirements so I cannot participate but thank you for contacting me anyway.
Thanks for sharing your story. I agree, the fight through cancer isn't for "wimps" as you said. You have to be willing to go through the pain of the treatments to come out on the other side. I don't think many people could have done what you did and still have such an optimistic attitude about life. I like reading about your perspective. http://scottleslie.com.au
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