Knowing you're not alright is good (I suppose)?

 What a series of depressing days I've just had.  Tomorrow I go to see my mother and spend a few days with her.  I'm hoping that will lift me up but my daughter isn't going to be around - she lives not far from my mum.  So that's not great but I suppose I saw her a month ago so it's not that I haven't seen her.  She's not around for Christmas either so that's a bummer too.

Life has been just soulless and I'm not enjoying things much at the moment either.  The neighbour is being a particular arsehole at the moment too which doesn't help and whereas in the past I'd just laugh it off and also be quite assertive back (he's technically, contractually, legally and commercially wrong on something) I actually feel intimidated and not sure of myself.  That's not an INTJ at all.  I don't know what I'm worried about really as he can't do anything about it unless he goes to Court and even then, it would be interesting to see what he'd even want to do that.  He needs me to agree to something that he's done so he can get off the hook.  After all the shit he gave us for 3 or 4 years now, I should be enjoying getting my own back but, I'm not at all.

So many silly things are annoying me and I don't need to worry about them, they shouldn't cross my mind but they do.  Knowing things are wrong is good, I've been this way before, it isn't nice, it's black dog territory once again and unless you've had this dark shadow feeling, I can't really explain what it is like.  I suppose the Death Eaters in Harry Potter might come some way to describing the sucking out of all the joy in you and the cold darkness of wondering whether you will ever be happy again?  As I said earlier, nothing brings me joy at the moment but I am sure that in the next few days I'll be feeling better and towards the end of the week Grandson NO.1 will be in his Nativity play and Granny will be very proud as he is playing Joseph!  He tells us he has a lot of words to remember.  Bless him, I'm sure he will do well he is a very nice young man and of course we are proud of him.  I hope I'll be alright on the day and not morose or overly emotional, it sort of depends on the day.

So I'm just making the best of things and hoping that I'll cheer up in time for Christmas if nothing else.  I decided to have a few beers last night as I'd not had any for four weeks.  It really didn't mean much or cheer me up - depression is like that, not even having a beer made me feel any better!  

Onwards and Upwards as they say!