Well, yesterday and today have been better. I had to take my car to be serviced and get its annual MOT done and it was a nice autumnal sunny, slightly chilly day so with a few hours to spare I wandered into the local town and got my hair cut and then grabbed a double espresso and stood by the river, swollen and very high after the recent rains. A walk through the high street and back along the river path and the car was ready by then. A lot quicker than I expected as I was going to reward myself with a beer and lunch but hey ho, no problems.
A friend popped by briefly and another one called me to check I was OK. The rumour was that I might have been suffering from a recurrence which I was happy to allay their fears. Bless them, it's an obvious reaction. I always remember my daughter made me cry when she thought I'd had a recurrence and was very upset herself. You forget how your condition affects those nearest and dearest to you.
I find myself time travelling back to my first years at work and college, my various jobs and careers and to my children's early years and the trouble with that is it isn't at all productive if you beat yourself up over what happened then and what you could have done right etc. The bottom line is that it happened and it couldn't happen any other way given those circumstances at that time.
Such is the spiral of elation and despair in your head at any one time when the Black Dog comes to visit you. One minute, hour, day you're absolutely fine and the next you're down some stove pipe wrestling with your brain for something you did to yourself or someone 50 years ago!
With that comes this feeling of uselessness, hopelessness and plain, in my case, laziness. By that, I mean that when I go to the darker side, I am paralysed by the thoughts in my head and I just sit there and don't do anything about it. I can sit here at my PC and suddenly it gets dark outside and I realise that I've done nothing all day except stare at the screen and browse my way through endless nothingness online.
That's why I've cut back on my social media presence. I'm Mr Happy on Facebook telling jokes and the like with the odd serious commentary but the news and the way people treat each other these days is toxic and that is seeping into my day-to-day life which it shouldn't. Society is being ripped apart either deliberately or perhaps it is part of some overall scheme beyond our knowledge and that is having a profound effect on me. My "accepted norms" are torn apart and as an INTJ this is a problem.
I'm not a conformist but I understand that society requires structure for the vast majority of people and I see this social cohesion currently being wrecked either deliberately or by circumstance. The vast majority of people cannot debate me and they certainly do not see the world the way I do at all. I shudder to understand "celebrity" although notoriety might be a better word, for there is nothing to celebrate in these vacuous excuses for human beings who virtue signal their approval or rejection of "the latest thing" (insert cause as required) as if they actually know anything about it or have any reflection of real life in their vacuum packed and lateral worlds that they inhabit. When they lecture on TV or Social Media they appear to me to be children stripped of their education. They haven't a clue what they are talking about and in my case, I switch off the moment they are introduced.
I spend little time in front of a TV these days as the stream of lies and manipulated wording is horrific to me. Climate Change is a scam of monumental proportions and Net Zero is ill-thought-out and impossible. Man's hubris will be the death of him. YOu hear people rattle loads of old bollocks like "the (insert species of mammal/fish/avian here) have decreased their number by 50% over the past 5 years" What was the number when you started the analysis, is it huge, are you talking about a single location or across the globe. It means absolutely nothing at all. If there were 10 last year and only 5 this year does that matter? If there were 50 million and it's only 25 million then let's understand what's going on. But it isn't, it's mealy-mouthed words fired at an audience that doesn't seem to think or act logically anymore. Try and discuss things with facts and the common retort these days is "Climate Denier!" or "Liar" or the opposite view is yelled at you so you cannot discuss anything. I certainly don't bother with bully boy tactics like yelling and calling names the ignorance invariably doesn't lie with me.
And so here we are, part of my problem is that I am not dealing very well with this new world of virtue signalling, cultish behaviours and everyone's an expert type of world we now live in. I like to shock people, I like to say NO and Fuck Off and Piss Off, not a lot but I'm definitely getting worse. "You need to do this!" NO, "You should wear a mask" NO, Fuck Off. "You should do this" NO, PIss Off. YOu should see their faces, it's grand and it's affirming for me. People haven't been told NO for a long time, the appeasers have seen to that. I loved it when I said no to people handing out masks or telling me to mask up, they looked shocked. But, here's the thing, I did a lot of research about it and they just do not work. The masks that would work you'd feel were constricting your breathing and on top of that, early on it was said that the virus can enter through the eyes, nose and mouth. Well if you weren't also covering your eyes then hey, what use was it. I am particularly proud of telling someone to "Grow the Fuck Up" at one point in proceedings :-)
So many people were frightened into walking in a one-way system around shops standing 2 metres apart and thinking that plastic screens would protect them even though the cashier handled every one of the items you gave them and you exchanged your money too. Mmm, people don't think this stuff through. I'm angry, I'm furious about it all, I lost my business and feel like some of this damage now is due to the draconian rules they imposed - whether or not we kept to them.
So, in many ways, I am struggling with the impact of the past few years and the utter stupidity shown, the banal spineless shit on the TV, so much so that I only watch a couple of programmes now. I'm struggling with politicians and the establishment kowtowing to the loudest people from the smallest minorities, bending my life to suit those who shout loudest. Ruling for the 1% is going to turn out bad, can see it, I don't need a crystal ball, I'm an INTJ, I can see where it is going and that's probably going to be the biggest problem I need to overcome.
You see my job for my whole life has been about analysis, planning, and delivery and you need hard data and facts to do the job. Running things on emotions and what's fashionable now is going to end up badly for a lot of people. They cannot see it. The trouble is I see it but many people think I am a conspiracy theorist. The outcome of the lockdown was predictable and now it is coming home to roost. The present problems will also have a knock-on effect and I don't get why people do not see the outcomes of their knee-jerk reactions. Surely they must realise what will happen?
Wow, that's a long-winded way of saying things are better but in fact, my brain is exploding with things that I need to drop, erase and forget about as I cannot do much about it apart from my usual reaction to most of these things and that's still saying NO to most things.
Today's better, tomorrow is another day and I hope it will be better.
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