Recurring Emotional State

I'm never certain about what the hell the experience actually did in terms of screwing up my internal systems and shooting my hormones to pieces.  The years of what could only be looked at as Post Traumatic Stress and the huge fatigues are gone but there's still this urge to just break down and cry.  

I've wondered if it is because I've never let it out apart from on this blog and then only edited. The internal scream has never surfaced and never been heard and whilst I know I did feel sorry for myself I never did grieve or just let it all out.

I learnt something today and that was just how powerful emotions can be.  I've never felt quite so terrified and excited at the same time so in charge and out of control :-) I'm alive, I can bring it all together now and move on.  It is something that has been missing in my life for many years and I can't even begin to tell you how hopeful I am that this will finally sort me out.

Life just changed lanes, directions and road types today - finally, finally something to build on and move away from these horrible 7 or so years.  Yes it will be 7 years on July 2nd, where does the time go?  I feel I've been building on sand these past 6 or more years and now maybe, just maybe and please please please let it be so that things will turn around and I can move on.  Let me build on rock and get the hell out of the place I've been and can still see in my rear view mirrors.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry but I've had tears in my eyes all day just there in the corner.  I might say it is hay fever or a bit of dust but really they are tears of hope and joy and perhaps having found that missing piece I have been looking for for so long.

A Milestone Day

This is a holding page because today is very likely to be an important day in my life.  I don't know that it is.  I very much hope that it maybe and by putting this placeholder in on this day I can perhaps come back to it and see if it was the major turning point in my life after Cancer.

Since just after I knew I was likely to survive I've been searching and trying to find that missing component, the thing that somehow would bring the journey to an end and yet a beginning all at the same time.  I have no doubt that this journey is going to be as difficult to follow as my cancer one but the outcome I hope will be worthwhile.

There you go - an enigmatic post on the 18th June 2013.  

What Being A Control Freak Looks Like

I am (without doubt) a control freak and here is a remote control made especially for me!

Enjoy :-) Click the image to enlarge it (it's OK it's not an order!)

In Pursuit Of Happiness

The American Dream and nothing wrong in that is there?  For years I've been trying to work out what my brush with cancer meant - what was its purpose :-) if that isn't too way out an idea.  

It dawns on me that I've been trying to make surviving worth it but inevitably, being the only "victim" maybe I am the only one who has this knowledge (if that's what it is).  I tried to make the difference in both the charity and my last venture.  There was achievement and pride in what I had done but no deep down satisfaction, nothing that worked at the core that satisfied mind and body.  

The idea of the American Dream is rooted in the United States Declaration of Independence which proclaims that "all men are created equal" and that they are "endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights" including "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."

I wonder if I have been trying too hard to change not just me but all those around me.  They have no reason to change, no reason at all.  Hard as it seems I may just have to go and please myself and pursue my own dreams.  I think too much maybe it is a case of letting go and letting life happen to me as it arrives, abandon myself to my feelings and not to my over analytical, planning and scheme making mind?  I have my health and so that's great and there's the world out there just waiting :-)  

Time for decisive decision making - or is it :-) I need to change approach maybe let go a bit drop the head and follow the heart?  Bit difficult for me being a control freak, project manager and analyst I know.

Brand New Day

This has been banging on through my head all evening so thought I'd post it here maybe I can refer to it later.

So much going on. So much happening, brain is awash with ideas and plans and fears and doubts.  This song doesn't help :-)  or does it?

It Is Your Destiny

Was amused at my post on Facebook this morning (Father's Day)

I AM your Father Luke

How come no Father's Day Card?  :-)

Well these things amuse me - and I was on good form tonight with some old friends we went to a lovely country pub and had a good old chinwag.  In the old days we'd talk about gigs and houses and cars now we talk about our aged and infirm parents!  I managed to take it down a few notches as it was cheat day and the beer and sugar had done their worst :-)  I like to think I'm quite amusing when I have had a few drinks!

Something was missing from the evening though and there's always this dilemma about getting home, I've got to go to work, I'm Tired and all that stuff to contend with.  I'm the one who should get tired and wants to go home!  Actually I could go on all night I'm so pumped at the moment.

I feel really charged and so full of hope for the future - I really want to get my arse in gear and move things forward for good or bad as soon as possible.  As Winston Churchill was apt to say "Action This Day!"  So shall it be....

Father's Day - Without My Father

We'd talk and swap jokes and pass the time of day.  Not sure what I'd say to him today other than to thank him and that's not doing it justice is it?  Not for your dad.  It's not been quite a year yet since he died and I'm OK about it, I am.

I had very little sleep last night - stuff was going round and round in my head.  Good stuff mainly but some bad stuff too.  Thinking too much and mulling over the future and the past, what I'd do the same and what I'd do different.  

Then some words flew into my brain (I don't know how this happens - it just does!) and the words from the film 2010 came into my mind.  The Hal 9000 computer that had been at the centre of the 2001 film is brought back to life and just before the climax of the film the computer speaks - I'm not sure if it is exactly what it said but it played out this in my head:

"Dave, Dave.  Something wonderful is about to happen"  That made me smile and I'd have shared that with my dad on Father's Day I think.  Is something wonderful about to happen?  It would be nice to think that that is so.

Diet / Lifestyle

I'm almost thinking that this should be required viewing.....  Also see the web site http://www.dietdoctor.com/lchf 

Results

Yippee!

Letter through from the Hospital and there's an interesting line in there but more so because this line "His random biopsies and urine cytology as well as a CT Scan show no evidence of any malignancy.  He should continue with regular flexible Cystoscopies and urine cytology repeat.   will see him in 6 months time.

Interesting is that it says that in 2010 I had a recurrence pTa G2 which is interesting as I don't recall that in 2010 but I think it was more likely to be 2007/8 when I did have a recurrence - I need to go and re-read my documents.  

Goodbye faithful old printer :-)

I've had an A3 HP inkjet printer for many years - over 10 I'd guess perhaps even 14 years as I also used to have a A3 Laser which was massive and that got pressed into working alongside the colour one when I did the Family History weekend way back in 2001.

After all that good service it appears that it has finally given up the ghost and now only prints in black.  I will see if someone wants to recycle it and if not will drop it off to the recycling depot.

It's interesting as it has left a gaping hole on my office workbench - I will probably replace it in time but for the moment I'm just getting rid of stuff in the office as I think I can safely remove all my old books and mechanical and electrical stuff (I only left that industry 25 years ago)!  Gradually I'm getting around to sorting this mess out and will be able to move around the office and also archive off loads of other stuff.  I am wondering about how long I actually need to keep records for in terms of my Lodge accounts - I have them going back tens of years and they really aren't that interesting unless you are a frustrated accountant historian I suppose with a propensity for the minutiae of subscription and the price of food in the 1970s.  I shall ask the question and see if I can't get rid of it - I have no idea why anyone would want it, even for historical interest?

There's stuff here that I can't believe I've kept and so that has been shown the recycling bin :-)  It is horrific how quickly stuff goes out of use - all my original network equipment, old fashioned connecting cables and stuff that just aren't used anymore and yet my office couldn't function without way back in the day!

I'm feeling good at the moment and suddenly the room is beginning to get sorted, the wood on my desk is appearing from under the accumulated paperwork and files.  Amazing.

Long Day

It wasn't planned to be a long day but I eventually got home close to 11:30 at night after we had to reschedule the meetings.  It was interesting enough and two very different propositions to be sure.

I then found myself catching up online with a friend and then realised that it had gone 2 in the morning and I went to bed.  I'm pretty exhausted today - having not done meetings - and one was over 5 hours long - for a while, I am suffering a bit this morning.  My new super dooper coffee machine has arrived but there wasn't any coffee tabs to go in it!  I've now ordered those so I have a super machine that isn't making any coffee at all at the moment :-) Hopefully I might get some by Saturday.

Distractions just kept coming

Absolutely nothing got done today except I'm meeting a couple of guys who have some business going on they'd like my assistance with.  Well I'll go along as I know them but I'm not certain that I can actually do much with them at the moment.  I really need to be looking at my own ventures and getting some cash in through the door one way or the other.

Well it means that Wednesday will be a bit of a wash out for me but let's see how it goes.

Other than that - things were fine - just a day gone in a flash.

Monday wrecked

I had high hopes of a useful and productive day today and within an hour it was totally wrecked - nothing worrying just a series of phone calls that interrupted my morning and so stuff I was about to do is now moved to the afternoon and once again - another call and some more emails.

I need to get back to my project management principles and time management focus to get past all of this.  

I've no real distractions as my year in office ended on Saturday and I'm a bit of a free agent now but just need to guard this loss of time and erosion of my working day.  

More later no doubt.

Another Victim

Sometimes you forget just how fortunate you are.  Today Iain Banks died having been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer.  It was interesting too to listen to how many people in my Lodge have Bladder Cancer - I know of 6 now and one was having an operation over the weekend.  It is extremely worrying to know how frequently it is diagnosed and so many people have it.

The crazy thing is that it kills people and I've had this thing inside me that can do that.  Somehow it seems distant from me or maybe I've just never owned up to the threat that was posed to me.  Maybe I did but then focussed on the positives and put the other stuff behind me. 

Saturday was very successful and a huge blowout cheat day but I managed to do pretty well in the ceremonial stuff I did and most people said they enjoyed it which is good.  Today was a lazy day as I really did push out the boat and had far too much of everything.

Tomorrow is the key day to now get on and move on plans and start to build new life No. 4 or 5 - I'm not sure but a new page can be turned over and a new chapter written.

Cheat Day Comes Early

It was very difficult to stick to cheat day today - I kept to Red Wine but the food wasn't doing me any favours so I decided that I'd might as well succumb to the inevitable and have some bread and a few potatoes and the fish was breaded etc.

So I decided to do my bloods as I was home and around 2 hours afterwards (it could be 1 1/2) I'm not certain when we stopped eating and I'm happy that they are just 6.1 mmol/L which is within tolerance and not bad for 1 1/2 or even 2 hours after eating especially the sort of Carb laden food we had this evening.  Tomorrow is proper cheat day and I'll have some beers and stuff too - last week my blood glucose was 8.1 after a crazy carb filled fuelling of my body.  That's a bit heavier than I expected but just goes to show how these things affect your blood glucose.

And so to bed

As Samuel Pepys was want to say at the end of his diary.  It's a day where I've finally got my head around all the words I have to remember on Saturday and finally I feel comfortable with them.  I know there are a few words that are twisted around and need a final polish off but I think that I've got my head around them sufficiently to do a good job.

I'd quite forgotten about going out on Friday night to another meeting as an Honoured Guest but of course that happened last year as well and then I feel we went to another meeting afterwards and then my Installation on the Saturday where I managed to be in the bar for a very long time indeed.  

After Saturday I'm ready to get things progressing on the multiple jobs front and to start sorting out the next phase of my career (or that's what I call it).  In fact I'm going to cobble together a plan where I can put my hand to just about anything and build a loose framework so that I can operate through some businesses and also as a self-employed person doing just about anything that will turn a buck.  I'll reveal more as and when the plan takes more shape but I've sort of decided that I will sort out my genealogy business and get that running in the background along with looking at some short term projects of an import and sell on nature as well as some basic web based schemes.  The main thing is to provide a wide variety of things that may all bring in revenue at different times and in different amounts and try to not be jack of all trades and master of none in the process.  Keeping flexible options will be a priority so that I can follow opportunities as and when they arise and in many ways only have to commit to a few long term plans allowing seasonal and occasional work to intervene.  That's the thinking now for the actual planning as I must make sure that I keep rooted to the ground on this and make sure that I put in place the plans and financial controls to make sure there is actually some return on investment. I have my retirement to think about don't you know!  :-)

Off to bed then and dreams (gosh I've had some amazing ones this past few weeks) and prepared for this weekend and a new start on Monday.  

A Few More Bits of Debris

A few bits of debris whilst going to urinate this morning but that appears to be it now.  Certainly things are looking a little clearer and hopefully that's the lot and things will be better.

I desperately want to get back into shape and do some exercise and to, in doing so, bring down my blood pressure and blood glucose and to move my weight loss on even further.  I've got to about 15 and a half stone from 18 and a half so I'm 3 stone lighter than I was in January and it's June now.  So 5 months have been really good in terms of just how good I feel and how much I've lost.  With the operation I've slowed my weight loss and I think I now need to concentrate on working to being down the nest stone or two - I haven't settled on an "ideal weight" as I don't know what that should be.  I will be working though on getting down to fit into my outfits from 6 or 7 years ago.  It is funny that I've lost weight all over my body and once again my stomach looks fat again where it appeared to have gone altogether.  My hips, waist, thigh and chest measurements have all taken a tumble and I'm pretty pleased with progress.

You Look Well

It is always nice to hear that you look well.  I have to say that I feel well and am beginning to enjoy life once again.  I've still not heard back from the Hospital and that's my only 'back of my mind' concern.

I tend to think that you 'feel' ill or not quite yourself when you've got something although I'm not sure if you can put your finger on it.  When I look back at my dad we took him to the seaside and he really wasn't his old self at all.  He was a bit dodgy on his feet and didn't walk far.  This was three years ago when Mrs. F & L were looking at Universities and A and I took my mum and dad out for a day.  We have a nice photo of them eating ice creams which is one of my favourites - it's nice to have a photographer in the family.

I don't know if then dad could have gone to the Doctor and sorted something out - it was early days and I suppose the Pancreatic Cancer wasn't detectable but I feel that was the start of it.  I remember not being quite myself but I couldn't put my finger on it even now looking back I'd have never had registered that it wasn't anything other than just stress and wanting to impress in my new job.

I guess these 'warning signs' would be useful but I guess you'd have to go and have tests and even then they may not know quite what is wrong with you.  My dad never wanted to have blood tests or anything so in some ways perhaps if he had of gone maybe things might have been slightly different - I just don't know.

Funerals - Not My Favourite

My how I hate funerals and whilst I knew a few people there today I decided to hover at the doorway of the church - the place was rammed.  I hadn't realised that the lady in question who was the landlady of the local pub had had cancer at the same time as I had but there you go and at just 9 years older than me - well - there you go - how lucky am I?

I decided to take my leave at the time that the funeral directors turned up and went to the pub and met my next door neighbour.  Interestingly he and I got onto the subject of diet and it was an interesting conversation albeit that he wanted me to start having fruit juice and probiotic yoghurts which I'll never do :-)  

I'm off out tonight to the Jazz night and I'm looking forward to that.  I'm also looking forward to completing my year as Master of my Lodge this Saturday - I can then concentrate on work, income and making myself feel well!

Well Still Some Blood In There

Not everything is clear and I can still see blood in my urine on occasions, which is distressing but perfectly normal as the scabs come off and the bladder repairs itself.  The bladder is a muscle and so I imagine as it is in constant states of expansion and contraction it can't be easy to heal the gaping wounds where the biopsies were taken.

Still heard nothing and so I'm hopeful that it isn't going to be bad news.
 Been out to a funeral today but didn't set into the wake at the pub in the village - decided to go to the other pub which is still much nicer.  Met my next door neighbour who had a lung removed (Lung Cancer) and we have a long chat about diet, cancer, drink and so on!  

I'm off out again tonight to the Jazz night but need to load up on food as it is close to 4 p.m. and I ate at 9:30!!

Looks to have cleared up

Nothing quite as distressing as seeing your urine come out like red wine or in the final part of urinating actually deep red.  Yuk - but there's one thing to do at this point in time and that's to drink water, lots of water (and coffee in my case) to wash through the bladder as thoroughly as you can and to also not do too much else.  After about 18 hours, things have settled down with a final expelling of clots and bits - definately a ewwww moment I'd say.  I have now had two clear urinations and I hope that it the lot.  

I will continue to drink water for the rest of the day and see how things go.  I kind of remember something like this but it is some time ago since I had biopsies.  The one thing I won't be doing quickly is getting back onto my exercise bike and power plate!  I wouldn't mind but that activity brought down my Blood Pressure readings last night and this morning to acceptable levels.  I know that it does this as when I was last doing this regularly I got some good readings and now I'm so much lighter it is easier to do as well.  I just need to wait a short while before going back to the exercise!

Glad that things have cleared up a bit and that lots of debris and bits are now outside and no longer inside my bladder.  Let's hope that this is the lot now.

Whoa... Claret Time

How soon you forget what it is like to be urinating blood!  I had a rather large clot earlier today and noticed I had very high blood in my urine when I tested with the urine strips.  I'd had some clots come out last week too.  However I hadn't really expected this evening's episode.

I felt quite good today and decided to cut the grass using a hand mower and then I did 20 minutes cross trainer work with a few high impact bursts followed by 5 minutes on the power plate.  

As the evening wore on I had a slight burning sensation and went to the toilet and had a stream of blood and bits firing out in the urine stream.  I set about drinking lots of water to alleviate this and so far, I've been about 5 maybe 6 times and on each occasion have had blood and bits coming out :-(  I'd totally forgotten about this part of the process although I guess I've probably shaken these loose through doing some heavy exercise.  I just now need to keep hydrated and just be careful.

It is so annoying as I really wanted to get back to exercising in some sort of structured way and had just worked out that to do this I could do exercise at the end of a working day say three or four times as week.  I really want to now concentrate on exercise and fitness and starting to bring my weight down even more so that I can also bring down my blood pressure and also to bring down my blood glucose levels too.  These areas are the next step along the way to a healthier lifestyle and to getting myself under control.  I realised that I need to move away from my existing habits as well and mowing the lawn was another step to breaking routines and starting to move my life forwards.

I'm sure that this urine problem will go away in a short space of time and will calm down.  I just need to hold off the exercise - I've done this before with exactly the same outcome - I'd have thought that it would be OK by now but of course, I've no idea how big these cuts in my bladder were but I can see that I could easily have dislodged them.  The amazing thing is how far a little blood actually goes - you don't need much to make things look pretty horrible and pretty disgusting.  Because it is so unusual or unnatural it still takes my breath every time I urinate and it certainly makes me feel rough.

Urine Tests

I've restarted testing today - after my mum was here and all the furore of the visit the last thing I wanted to do was to be leaping in and out doing too many tests and check.  I was a bit shocked though to see that the blood scale was very high today, that was until I went to the toilet and passed a few large clots of blood which must be from some of the larger biopsies that they took.  Hopefully I will have trace readings for a few days and then hopefully, once again, these will go away.  

It is amazing that you can see the Ketones kick in when on the diet and these generally mean that the body is burning up some fat and that's good - you have to be careful though and make sure it isn't anything more disturbing.  Interestingly, since I've been recording my Urine I've never had any glucose in my urine which is good news.  

My blood readings were a little higher than I'd have like this morning but still way within boundaries for being non diabetic.  Again I've had a couple of high readings and these tend to be associated with "cheat day" or "dieters gone wild" the one day a week that I can eat just about anything I want.  Interestingly I have scaled this back as I don't like the rough feeling I get the next day.  I also took a suggestion from Steve Kelley in which he suggested that the day after you could skip breakfast and make it like a fasting day.  That seemed to work fine yesterday and I only felt hungry around 2 pm when I then had lunch.  

Monday

Quiet weekend after a hectic week last week - I re-read Friday night's blog and pulled it as it was a little too raw and to the bone.  I took the weekend off and enjoyed a good cheat day that actually started on Friday night.  Interestingly my Blood Glucose readings were a lot higher which I can only attribute to the sticky bun, bread and other goodies I had on Saturday.  Interestingly they had been low during the week leading up to Saturday and so I can quite easily see the impact of these sugary, carbohydrate fuelled excesses.

In so many ways I'm starting to settle into a lifestyle which keeps my blood glucose low and the only concern I really have is that my blood pressure is a little higher than I'd like.  Exercise will I am certain bring that down and start to help bring my weight down a lot more.  I have managed to do well and I'm now 3 stone lighter than I was in January and boy do I feel good for that.  I even managed to get up a ladder and do some DIY work at high level for my father-in-law on Sunday sorting out some soffit boards that needed rubbing down and painting.  I need to do a bit more on that later this week.   

I've made some more clarified butter which I tend to use to make scrambled eggs and cook things like Spinach and the like with.  I am now getting to a point where commitments on my time are getting less and I can start to put effort into sorting out business and getting things turned around.  Typically as soon as I find something to do there are three or four other things hovering around for me to do.  Goodness knows why this always appears to happen?  It is noise and distraction but I will just have to work my way through them to see if they have any substance.  I somehow don't see that they have much relevance on my future but you never know.

Interestingly I haven't heard back from the Hospital as of yet.  I guess that means good news and nothing to worry about?  I do hope so.  I'm still recovering a bit from the surgery - I still have the mark on the back of my hand from the cannula and it is still a little tender.  

The sun is out, it is a little warmer (we've had one of the coldest winters in years - some Ski resorts are still open in Europe and it's June!) so that lifts spirits and makes me feel good.  Time to see if I can stuff some Vitamin D into my body with a bit of sun exposure.  

Another Day Up In Town

It is amazing how many people think about me for projects they are working on but nothing comes of them.  Two in the past two days and both "may" come off.  Of course the problem is with these things that invariably they don't actually materialise and I get involved only to find that the work goes away or just doesn't appear at all.

Both these jobs sound great, right up my street but I'm uncertain whether I want to get involved anyway as I've only just got the other business under way - although it will take some months I believe to be ready to trade.  

I'm back up to London for the second day in a row - I certainly hope I'm not catching the 00:56 train back again like I did last night.  Goodness knows where all the time went last night we were having a good old natter as I guess we hadn't met for 10 years or more!  I certainly don't want to drink as much as I did as well - goodness knows I like Red Wine but could have done without bottle three appearing at dinner....  No after effects thank goodness although goodness knows I should at least have had a sore head but somehow I don't.  Tonight it should be a little less boozy.

Tragic news from a fellow BC survivor

Steve Kelley is a fellow Bladder Cancer survivor and blogger and we are bonded together through our diagnosis and experiences and the Internet through our blogs.  We share messages of support and advice and we are good friends that have never actually spoken on a phone or met in real life.  I pop into see his site regularly but today was the tragic news that his parents had perished in a car crash on the 28th May. 

These are Steve's words:

"TRAGIC PERSONAL EVENT

My parents both perished in a single-vehicle automobile crash this evening. They were in relatively good health for a couple near 80 years old. The entire family is in shock. It will be some time before the blog is updated again."

I hope you will join with me in offering prayers and thoughts for Steve, his wife and their wider family as words completely fail me at the moment.  I remember how I felt when I lost my dad but I had almost a year to prepare for that and so I really cannot imagine how this feels.  I am comforted by the fact that Steve's church and faith are strong and I am certain they will help them come to terms with and deal with this terrible tragedy.  

Exercise - Two Four Letter Words Joined Together :-)

No one actually likes exercise do they?  I certainly don't but I got back onto the Cross Trainer today and did a 20 minute workout.  Interestingly it didn't feel too bad I guess because I'm probably lighter than I've been for years.  I actually fit back into stuff from when I was first diagnosed - well almost - a few pairs of trousers are a little tighter than I remember them but at least the jackets and shirts now fit and half of my pairs of trousers.  

I now need to work in a routine of at least 3 exercise drills a week and also I will aim to get my vibration plate workout in as well giving me aerobic exercise on the Cross Trainer and Anaerobic on the plate.  

I did my blood sugars from yesterday and they are all pretty good in and around 5.1 or 5.2 before and after meals (2 hours after) and I'm happy with that sort of level.  I'd be happier with 4 or so but they aren't as frequently recorded.  It is surprising how quickly you get used to stabbing your finger and taking readings.

A Quick Replanning Exercise

With the 3 months freelance working going away I am back to the drawing board this morning.   I need to advance my efforts by three months which I was hoping to use as thinking, planning and building time.  Oh well, these things happen.  It was a nuisance though.  

I was planning to start in two weeks once I've got all that is currently on my plate out of the way.  I think that I'll make that date the beginning of my new direction and see where I go from there.  What I can start to do is clear the decks and get ready to organise my office.  I can get rid of lots of old junk and stuff I no longer need.  

In some ways I'm lucky having undertaken some research last year - I can reuse that.  I've now purchased the company name and I already have the web sites and so just need to build the business plan an hone it to allow me to launch the business and hopefully have it up and running by around September or October.  A steep ask but I think it is doable.  

I can also aim to build the changes to my routine and build exercise into that too.  

Turn Again

My goodness - it's gone 2 in the morning and I've just got back from a really great evening.  Just seen for the 2nd time the Zombies and for the 5th or 6th time Colin Bluntstone.  All a bit last minute and I'd already been for a "few wines" at lunchtime.

It was a great evening and even better we then went on for some more drinks and had a great time ranting on about the bands of the 70s and 80s.  

The downside and bummer is that the potential contract I had for 3 months has subsided into nothingness :-(  Not a good end to a great evening.  

Interesting Comment

I dropped my mum off and she got home safely after a good weekend.  She seemed to have enjoyed herself and so that's good.  I got a call from my business partner and we went to the local pub for a few drinks and to have a spot of lunch.  I was able to ask for a salad and that was great - very enjoyable.  Chef asked if I was on a diet as he did reckon I'd lost a lot of weight.  I then realised that I'd actually lost close to 3 stone so far since January which is pretty good.  I've still got about that to go I think to be really around the weight I'd like.  Nice of him to notice and also nice of him to fix me a salad for my lunch.

Over the weekend I finally got to fit back into my posh shirts and Mrs. F. has brought out some old clothes that I might now be able to fit into!  Who knows :-)  

My business partner was telling me his story of the job he started not too long ago and the idiot he had to work for who it appears lied to him about having a full time role.  It is shocking that these sorts of people hold office in big companies.  So my mate is now out of contract - although I smell that there is more to come from my understanding of the contract and the agreements that were made.  He was feeling that something was wrong from day one.  Now he is fully aware that there is.  Good thing that he's pretty much tuned in to what was happening from early on.  Frankly I'd have smashed ten bells of sh1t out of the guy :-)  But then that's me I have a very low tolerance level for dickheads.

Preparing for normality

I have to say that the last 7 years have been incredibly up and down and I've managed to hit the highs and lows emotionally and it doesn't help when there is an inherent lack of stability in your life and in addition, it isn't the only thing that's destabilizing things.  Cancer is one huge iceberg to hit and the blow it delivers to your self-confidence is amazing.  

I sat down and watched the HBO series 'Pacific' which was a present (of my request) for Christmas - it is equally as harrowing as Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan (all made by the same people).  The last episode features one of the "heroes" returned from the war who just wasn't ready to return to civilian life.  These men had been through an unimaginable hell only glimpsed at in the film and you can only begin to start to appreciate the Post Traumatic Stress they were going through.  In one breath I cannot compare myself to them but in another perhaps I can for the stress of having Cancer does wear you down emotionally and physically.  It isn't until after the event, when you rest, when your breathing comes back to normal, when the irrational fears subside and when you can apply some cold logic to your situation and spend quiet time that the enormity of it all hits you.

The Tsunami of depression or perhaps it may be a complete lack of energy and a leaning to be introverted and silent and uncommunicative.  It can be the opposite making up for things by exploding into extrovert behaviour for the benefit of your friends and family over compensating for how crap you actually feel by doing the opposite.  All of these and many, many more are part of the journey and not everyone will be the same.  Not everyone will "think" about it or even 
consider it.  Not everyone will look to fight and change their lives and some will succumb and lay over and die.

For something like 5 years now I've been clear of Cancer and apart from these two false positives life's been sort of OK with working at the Charity and then on our Venture (now sadly closed through lack of imaginative funding).  Now I've got to work out where to go and what to do and like the soldier, I've spent some time just not wanting to do anything at all.  I can't seem to get my head around returning to civilian life and drudgery and wage slave status as it all seems somewhat pointless having come through a life changing event I wanted to do something worthwhile.  In many ways I could still be at the Charity and settled in a 9-5 but that isn't me.  

Once this weekend is out of the way and I have something I must sort out in early June then I need to prepare to be normal again - it's a big step though and the last thing I am any more is normal.  

Stand By - Mum's Coming Over

This time last year I was up to see my dad on and off and of course, it was the end of the business too and all very distressing.  We went to the Hotel for the meal and I think I may have gone off just after that.  It is coming up a year in July when Dad passed away and I'm really very pleased that mum has got on with things and she is getting out and about and tomorrow she comes down to stay with us for a few days and will come with me to the dinner at the Spa Hotel.  Needless to say, it will be her first experience of anything like this and I've been in Freemasonry for 30 years.  My dad never travelled well and wasn't a great socialiser and didn't particularly enjoy dressing for dinner or any of that fuss.

It will be nice to have mum for a few days and we have the Bank Holiday too so it will make a nice weekend which is just long enough (for both of us).  I pick her up tomorrow from the Ebbslfeet International Station - it is great as she can get off at Kings Cross and walk to the next station and get on a train that takes a less time than it does for me to drive there from London. Amazing High Speed 1 Javelin Trains.

I may write less with her around as her room is opposite my office :-)  I'm feeling a little sore today around my middle - I guess internal bruising and readjustments going on.  At least it isn't painful more uncomfortable I guess.  I printed off the first week's blood glucose tests and will probably do a few more over the coming days.  They appear to be in the right order.  My Blood pressure is a different matter altogether as it isn't as low as it has been but it still isn't bad.  It compares to last year's readings and things haven't got worse but I was expecting a lowering with this diet I'm on.  Perhaps I just need to bring in some more exercise.  If I get this job I'll certainly be able to do plenty of exercise in walking to and from the stations and the work and home locations - around 3 to 4 miles a day I think.

Blood Testing

6 or more years ago you'd have found me not ever wanting to give up my blood willingly or without a fight :-)  These days I take measurements myself and don't think much of it at all.

I'm taking a series of measurements so that I can "discuss" with my GP whether or not they'd like to get around to telling me something that the Hospital know and that I've only just found out through them at my last pre-assessment.  That is that they wrote to the Hospital very early on in my treatment so around about 6 or 7 years ago telling the Hospital that I was a Type 2 diabetic controlled by diet.  In many ways this came as a shock because all they told me to do was to lay off the very high amounts of fruit I was consuming at the time.  I'd regularly have Grapefruit, Oranges, Apples, Grapes, Apricots and Pears daily and the hit it was giving me would give my body problems.  I hadn't been eating that way for long but had been told to eat healthily and up my fruit and vegetable intake.  Knowing what I know now, how wrong was that?!

So after I was told not to eat excessive fruit or I "MIGHT" end up Diabetic I duly went home and changed my diet accordingly.  Of course, it still wasn't anything like I am on these days but even so it was a major shift.  Quite what made my GP write to the Hospital and not tell me is beyond me.  I also know that I'm not in denial or some other process blanking this out because Mrs. F. came along with me that day and we spoke to the Doctor together. In fact I do miss him as he was very nice and seemed to be genuinely concerned about how we were coping mentally as well as physically but I digress. 

However, the dangerous thing here is that for a further 5 or 6 years I've happily gone on in the belief that I had a scrape with being Diabetic based on some unhealthy healthy eating kick and yet if I was truly Diabetic then I should have been being careful with what I ate for all that time.

So far, the measurements I have taken all bear out that my blood glucose is in the normal range and whilst I've had one marginal reading it was the morning after cheat day where I had two meals and plenty of drink during the day all normally off my 6 days a week diet.  I haven't done every meal - that's complete overkill but I do switch it around to say do breakfast and evening meal or fasting overnight and lunchtime.  The process to get a drop of blood is pretty straightforward and the machine is simple to use.  I log everything down on a spreadsheet and let it go from there.

I'm still monitoring my Urine pH levels and have been fascinated with seeing the trace blood count in that.  There is no Glucose whatsoever which is good.  My blood pressure isn't exactly where I want it but it is within tolerance.  I'd like it to be lower and perhaps when I get a bit more active next week it will be.

Bit Of A Wordy Last Post

I hadn't intended it to be quite as long a tome as that :-)  I got a bit carried away with all the stuff going around in my head.  

Of course what "does my head in" as they say colloquially here is that on the two occasions when I've had a false positive I've actually reacted to each by assuming that I did have a recurrence and it's been quite destabilising for me on both episodes.  I remember stepping up my Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese regime from once or twice a week to every day.  I noticed that I looked seriously at my current diet to see whether I'd do something stupid in that department and on this most recent repeat decided that Bacon was the bad guy although, of course, if there is no recurrence, then that's a conclusion that I shouldn't have made.  Mind you, I did review the evidence and have made it sufficiently worrying so that I don't have it regularly any more.  I will certainly just have it occasionally and sparingly there are plenty of other things to eat.  Although let's face it the taste of Bacon is great. 

I've had a few flecks of the biopsy scabs fire out today so expect a few more tomorrow and hopefully that will be the end of it.  I'd forgotten how long it takes for everything to "rearrange" itself after the operation, it still feels tender and slightly uncomfortable.  Nevertheless, this is still looked on with the Silver Lining that I'm 99% certain that there was no cancer there.  The thing that threw me this time was definitely the drawing of a tumour on the bladder diagram they use here.  It might be more useful if they'd use a TV and take a photo you'd have thought?  Perhaps a conversation I can have with my Consultant?

My mum is arriving on Thursday for the long weekend and she is coming to my final fling as Master of my Lodge when we will be hosting a lunch for around 120 or more people at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells.  It is a lovely venue and I am looking forward to it greatly as we will have the girls with us as well as some very good friends.  I think I might end up having a bit of a wobbly cheat day on Sunday and perhaps on the Saturday - it depends who is home and what we end up doing.

Scientific Process

Richard Feynman  was an American theoretical physicist known for his work in the path integral formulation of quantum mechanics.  I recall listening to him some years ago, he is no longer with us unfortunately.  

Here is the clip of what I remember:

"In general we look for a new law by the following process. First we guess it. Then we compute the consequences of the guess to see what would be implied if this law that we guessed is right. Then we compare the result of the computation to nature, with experiment or experience; compare it directly with observation, to see if it works.

It’s that simple statement that is the key to science. It does not make any difference how beautiful your guess is. It does not make any difference how smart you are, who made the guess, or what his name is. If it disagrees with experiment it is wrong."

I kind of wonder about today's science and these stories that come about.  There seems to be a leaning towards consensus science and a move away from being challenged and your theory torn apart by your peers.  Surely good science can stand up to peer review, to experimentation and surely good science actually holds water, experiments can be repeatable.  Today you see modelling using computers and their results taken as Gospel and defended with religious zealotry as if they are real results.  You only have to look at the behaviour of "climate scientists" to see how they take any criticism of their work and resort to a public outburst and call people's authority to doubt and bring free speech and the scientific process (see above) into question.  

I read something the other day that some Rabbits had been fed meat and they had developed cancer and that this result was posted (I haven't been able to find it again) and published.  Now I'm no scientist but aren't Rabbits Herbivores and if you feed them things they aren't designed to eat or digest well it sure to have a bad affect on them.  Is this good science?  I suppose we needed to know that but really does it have any bearing on meat consumption in humans?  I think not but it was being bandied about as another reasons we should all become vegetarians which, is a lifestyle choice and not what our bodies are designed to be.  I've no problem with anyone deciding to do this but we are Omnivores and need vegetables and meat in our diet - that's what we are designed to eat and it sort of makes sense to put the right things into our bodies.  I could do the petrol and oil and water in a car analogy I suppose but hopefully you get the picture.  

Then there are other things out there and it all seems to me to be "Stating the Bleeding Obvious" then there are few holistics studies and then there are the statistical anomalies.  Surely if you do an experiment on 6 people in 3 months it doesn't point to long term trends and isn't actually meaningful in the overall scheme of things.  Stuff just doesn't appear to be thought through these days.  

Trying to find data that isn't statistically played with and also trying to find the good information from the bad take a lot of time.  As they said in the X-Files "The Truth is out there".  It probably is, it just takes ages to find it and then you need to read through a number of times to make sure that you've read what you thought you read and that the science holds together.

The food debate goes on and so much that I read is at variance.  One day something is good for you the next day it is bad.  I like the idea of looking back to see what we ate years ago and to try and replicate that now.  Then you'll see someone stating that people didn't live that long back in history and again why was that?  Surely our bodies are designed for more than just a couple of decades usage.  I thought it interesting to read that major problems such as heart disease and diabetes, tooth decay and obesity were unheard of hundreds of years ago.  It was only when we started to develop a taste for sugars and complex carbohydrates that things appear to have started to go wrong with our bodies. 

With so much obesity, diabetes, heart disease and cancer around these days one has to wonder is it to do with our lifestyle, our food or is it something else.  I've mentioned Occam's Razor before and it helps to choose some of the interpretations include:


"If you have two theories that both explain the observed facts, then you should use the simplest until more evidence comes along"

"The simplest explanation for some phenomenon is more likely to be accurate than more complicated explanations."

"If you have two equally likely solutions to a problem, choose the simplest."

"The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct."

So what do I think it is likely to be?  It has to be to do with diet and lifestyle.  Diet more than anything appears to me to hold the key to this.  We have been led to believe that a diet that some call "balanced" is right for us.  I see it like feeding meat to Rabbits we are eating a lot of the wrong things (possibly as we believe it to be for the right reasons) and we perceive these things to be healthy for us.   Bread, Potatoes, Pasta and Rice.  Our mothers knew that these made us put on weight.  They fatten up livestock on this sort of stuff :-)  We all know that sugar is bad for us but we consume huge quantities unknowingly as it is trapped in most of our food in one form or the other (I'm not going to play Carbohydrates and Sugar as the same at the moment).  Fruit which is sold as incredibly good for us is just loaded with Fructose and there are few fruits that you can consider your friend.  Man has never had so much fruit available nor had it out of season.  Additionally this fruit has been so bred by the growers to contain more sugar and less fibre so that a sugar dependent public will regularly buy them.

Think back to the days when fruit and vegetables were in season.  You only got apples in autumn and vegetables were seasonal.  You could get some things year round but very few.  Some days you went hungry and that's when your mum would feed you a bit of bread and dripping or you'd have Jam sandwiches.  You had sugar as a treat not as a staple.  Most of the stuff we ate was meat and two veg but only once a day.  These days you can easily get three cooked full meals a day and that's what they call a balanced diet and eating regularly!  Really?  Surely we aren't designed to eat three times (or more) a day?  Nor at each meal to eat a balanced diet, we must have eaten what we gathered or hunted for?  We didn't have the benefit of Sodas and fruit juices, exotic fruit available from the supermarket around the corner.   Today's society is one of plenty and high availability - I'm old enough to remember shortages of staple food in the 1970s and so everywhere you look you can find food.  Fast food, out of season food and stuff from just about anywhere and everywhere.  Processed foods are perhaps the major concern.  I've found that things you wouldn't expect have High Fructose Corn Syrup HFCS or perhaps sugar on its own or wheat flour and other undesirable things which "hook" us and make us wanting more.  I could hardly believe that mustard and Worcestershire Sauce contained sugar as do most pickles and some with HFCS and that's here in the UK.

I started off by looking at scientific process and have strayed a bit off subject but what I've been trying to look at is the phenomenon of "Settled Science"  we are told to have carbohydrates and fruit as an integral foundation of our diet.  Meat and Fat are demonised and yet these are the very things it appears we are designed to eat as the foundation of our diet, our carbohydrates coming from vegetables and very few fruits (certainly not fruits as we know them today).  Seeds and berries were seasonal and not available every day to us.  There is plenty of evidence that the way we eat today is leading to the modern diseases such as diabetes and obesity and heart disease and cancers.  There are whole industries set up to feed our bodies things that aren't naturally good for us and there are other industries whose job it is to provide remedies for those of us affected by these diseases. 

Surely addressing the root cause of these would be the way to do.  If you could look to diet and change it sufficiently to bring down the instances of these diseases that would be a good thing for humanity right?  Perhaps it is not a good thing for the businesses who may deliver the problem in the first place and those who treat (but don't sure) the symptoms......

Just saying :-) 

Cancer & Diet

Oh dear....  Here is a link to a Podcast from Radio 4 (thanks Gary H).  It is about 13.5Mb and is 28 minutes long.  Some of this is interesting but some I find a bit concerning - especially this fallacy of a balanced diet.  I think that some of the stuff in the Podcast still isn't actually right as I tend to believe that we (as a species) haven't evolved to be able to eat fruit that isn't seasonal - you can get bananas all year round as you can many fruits.  

Grains are also available year round but have only been for a small fraction of our time on earth.  Processed carbohydrates and man made foods have also only been around for a very short time - perhaps 70 years or so.  Man has been on the earth for, it is thought, around 2,500,000 years and evolved through eating a high protein base diet which helped build large brains and so bring about intelligence and as time went on language and great motor skills.  Man is a hunter gatherer and existed on his ability to hunt game and live off the land.  The better he was the more he ate but you can imagine that often man would go hungry and that there would be famine and feast times.  Crops of berries and fruits and grains and vegetables would only be available in season and these would be a supplement to not part of the day to day diet.  

The 5.2 diet is gaining traction as it tries to replicate something that is somewhere akin to the natural diet of man.  My 4HB diet is also similar in some ways too emphasising the use of proteins and vegetables in the diet but removing all man made processed and non natural foods as possible.  

As I've often said my Doctors are great at treating the cancer and getting rid of it.  They only ever told me to "eat healthily" and then I had to ask what I could do.  They treat the disease and no one considers where diet has any bearing.  In fact, it is only my own desire to never want to get cancer again and to do everything in my power to make myself better and to keep myself well.  

The more I investigate the more I firmly believe that our modern lifestyle and diet are major contributory factors towards modern diseases such as Diabetes, Cancers and Obesity are somehow linked to the availability of food to us these days, the production of processed foods and the prevalent inclusion of carbohydrates in our diet.  Now - I'm no doctor or specialist I can only put my beliefs down to the results of my investigations and added some logic to those arguments tabled.  

I find that people still thinking that bread and cereal, pasta and potatoes can be called healthy is somewhat concerning.  This stuff is all sold as healthy.  Have a read of the label and suddenly it doesn't look that good.  You have to buy into the marketing that eating processed carbohydrates can be anything other than damaging in the long term.  

Much of my early efforts to eat healthily led to me firmly believing that carbohydrates and fruits were the way to go after all they are the base of the food triangle they show and our Government peddle on the TV etc.  What happened was that I overdid the fruit and the carbohydrates and pushed myself to pre-diabetic blood-glucose levels and was warned off these.  The annoying thing is that this is standard knowledge and balanced diets show a heavy leaning towards fruit, cereals and grains and vegetables (not all good ones) and meat and the like are very low down the order.  What is wrong here?

I'm not going to put all the answers over in one blog post but I do think that the way that we can now have plentiful food available to us does make us overeat - we feel hungry we just go to the cupboard or to the shop and we aren't hungry anymore.  Before we'd have to wait until we caught or found something and perhaps sometimes we would gorge ourselves on it.  The true use of insulin and fat storage can then be seen when you can't use all the food you have, you can store a bit and use it when times were a little harder.  We live in the land of Eden where we have a never ending supply of food but really is that a good thing?  More musings later.  Enjoy the podcast although some parts didn't ring true of me but I would like to see more work and advice available.

I also need to think through my views on some food stuffs - like Bacon and processed meats again - especially as I vilified them because I thought my recurrence (which wasn't) may have been through eating them.   Another post on that once I've thought it through.

What a Difference a Week Makes

Yes - this time last week I thought I had Bladder Cancer back and now I'm pretty sure that I don't have it.  Life looks a lot different right now.  Additionally I'm pretty certain that my blood glucose readings are in pretty good shape and that apart from a slight hit following cheat day, I'm in the realms of "normal".  I've got to do some more tests of course and over a long period of time.  My Blood Pressure is pretty good and at a constant of around 130 over 90 which is good for me but I will try and get that down once I can exercise which I reckon is about a week away.

I've now got a plan(s) to go forward and I may have a short term contract to work up in London for 3 months doing some illustration work with a friend of mine.  It pays reasonable money and the hours mean that I won't be travelling in rush hour.  I'm waiting to hear back on this whether I can start in early June mainly as I've got my mum down with us this week and I need a few days to work on other things then I can commit to a full time run at it.

Longer term, and I do hope I can look longer term, I've got the three or four business streams to have a go at.  In many ways I think that it will take me awhile to build one of them and so I've now got to build my business plans and work out how I can achieve this.  It's daunting and exciting at the same time.  

I'm still a little tender especially when urinating - it certainly still gives a slight sting.  I've noted that I've still got trace blood results from the wounds so perhaps the stinging is coming from that?  There is also this strange feeling which I'm sure is just my insides putting themselves back into their normal position!  I'd forgotten that it takes this long to recover.  I had a good weekend but being out Friday night and all day Saturday sure knocked me about and I fell asleep in my chair overnight and woke at dawn as the sun was coming up - so then actually went to bed!  

Big Meal - Low Impact

It was a big meal and also major temptation to fall of my diet but I try really hard to make certain that I try and keep as near as possible to the 4HB and Protein Power and Atkins type diet as possible.  I had more than 2 glasses of Wine and as I say to the servers, there is only one size of wine glass and it isn't medium or small!!! :-) 

The meal had some problems in it.  I disposed of my roll and butter but had the French Onion Soup knowing it probably contained some sugar content and I gave away the french bread and cheese to a friend.  So I just had the soup.  The main course was a Pork Chop rubbed with mustard and (unfortunately) brown sugar.  I didn't have any gravy and so sort of managed to live within limits   On top of that I refused the potatoes and went for the carrots and green beans and had extra portions as there were plenty of them!

The sweet was a Trifle which I took and then passed on to my friend too.  He's diabatic - go figure...  So then there was Cheese and biscuits, celery and grapes.  I just had some cheese and celery and then a coffee.  Just over 2 hours later my Blood Glucose reading is 4.8 mmol/L which isn't bad at all considering this may have been slightly more than I would have expected to have.

I'm pleased that my readings appear to be normal but I hope after some exercise I might get these down to an even lower level.  So far I don't see me being anything other than a pre-diabetic at worst but I'm sure the "professionals" will have their say on it.  

Tomorrow is cheat day and I have two Lodge meetings and can drink what I like.  I don't think that my Blood Glucose will be anything other than off the scale and I'm not at home anyway so I will probably just forget tomorrow and go on to Sunday to continue.  Under the 4HB I get to blow my system up once a week and taking tests isn't going to help.

On a completely different tack.  I was looking at a website and came across a company that I used to work with when I was in my early 20s.  They were jewellry suppliers and I found they'd moved from London to locally.  I remembered the friend I had - Lawrence - at the time.  Tonight, I'm in the bar and I spied this chap and he had exactly the same eyes and look as the guy I'd known all those years ago.  I went over and asked him and indeed it was him.  We had a brief chat and it looks like he knows someone I know and so we will get together and catch up when we next meet.  How weird is that?   

New Health Blueprint

I'm pretty impressed with my blood glucose readings - they are all in limit of a 'normal person' and scrape around the bottom of the Type 2 area.  I don't have any of the signs of Type 2 Diabetes in my day to day activities.  The one thing that I don't do at the moment is to exercise regularly - I do it in uncontrolled fits and starts.  Today for example I'll walk about 2 and a half miles to the Lodge meeting and I can do that in about 40 or 45 minutes - it will be good for me but I don't do that every day.  I have my cross trainer which I used to do 8kM a day on at one time and I've got my vibration plate for my anaerobic exercises.  I use that about once a week.  I've read a lot now on Type 2 and it appears that I really should be putting in some time exercising and so once I've got past the yukky bit of the operation and left it a few days beyond I can get back to some exercising.  This should, I hope, trigger off some more changes in my diet and bring my weight down and as a consequence it should help my blood pressure and blood glucose too.

Like all these things, you need to get organised and I'm just starting to look at doing that.  My mum comes down to visit us in a week and then we have the Bank Holiday and so I think perhaps straight after that is the time to get organised and start to do something.

I'm really pleased with the progress on my diet and being below 16 stone is great and I'm hoping to keep going down and losing a lot more.  I feel very good at the moment and apart from being a little sore and a little stinging still I think I'm recovering well from the mauling I took on Monday.

I'm almost settled on my food regime, still searching for various things to do with the Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese mixture as it is OK with Tuna but somehow I really do miss having it with breakfast cereal and also with fruit and nuts.  Nuts are probably OK but not in the sort of quantity to go with the FOCC mixture even though I'm making less of it.  I found a few more sites that have recipes and I'll trawl my way through those.  I like one idea of grinding flax seeds and adding them to a salad and if we ever get a summer and I have more salads I'll do that.  At the moment it feels so cold outside you'd be forgiven for thinking it was January not May. 

It All Looks Different Now

I'm pretty certain that you would get the fact that this time last week I thought I had Cancer again and now I'm pretty certain that I don't.  Suddenly the horizon isn't as near and I can think to plan further into the future.  

My blood glucose levels are all within tolerance especially my fasting level.  Additionally my Blood Pressure is OK (but not great) but it is in the right area.  Urine tests also appear to be OK although I've still got some trace blood from the 4 wounds in my bladder.  Of course every time you urinate the bladder which is a muscle collapses in on itself and so it must be quite difficult to heal.  I think it will be sometime next week when you get to the yucky bit when you pass the scabs which fall off - at least they are easily passed :-)  Mind you it can take you by surprise sometimes.

I'm just in a much better place and we will just have to see how things pan out.  There's a local job going that I've asked for more details and I was offered a small contract on a self employed basis which is for 3 months so that's a possibility too.

I'm off out tonight and all day tomorrow!  Busy but just need to remember not to "over do" it.

Invisible Nasty Stuff In My Food

Sugar that is in all it's forms and hidden carbohydrates and grains and all sorts of nonsense in my food.  I found Fructose in my Pickled Onions, Sugar in Pickled Dills, Sugar and Wheat Flour in Mustard, sugar in Worcestershire Sauce and the list goes on and on.  Sugar is absolutely everywhere and in so many different forms.  Fructose must be the criminal of them all, a naturally occurring sugar but my goodness what it does to your body....

Then all those carbohydrates that everyone tells you are so good for you too.  It's been a bit of an epiphany in some ways and as I said some years ago, having cancer has a silver lining in that it made me begin to take a bit more control of my diet and my lifestyle.  

My goodness though, I thought to myself this morning, I've been through the mill on this journey.  I was feeling particularly beaten up and sorry for myself this morning as only a bruised wrist and sore bladder area and still the faint reminder of pissing razor blades can make you reflect on what you've just been through.  Not once but now 11 times!  Sure other people have worse things and far blacker prognoses than I (and that's good to remind you to give due proportion to your own situation) but it's me feeling like this and whilst I have general empathy for others it is me who is experiencing this.  

When you start to dig into your lifestyle and the "advice" you are given and then scratch away a bit more you start to find out loads of things.  Without going into too much detail it has been interesting to read that there were hardly any diabetics, cancers or heart problems a few centuries ago.  Sure people died of some diseases and nasty things which we've now cured but in general it is only recently that diabetes and heart disease have been with us and it appears that since the "balanced diet" appeared in the 1960s there has been a rising number of cases of these diseases.  There are plenty of books out there about the Paleo diet and Atkins and others like Protein Power and The Insulin Factor and works by Tim Ferriss and Gary Taubes are also worth looking up.  The popular Mercola website also has lots of information on it - although it can be a bit "Daily Mail" in its delivery of the news....  Nearly all of them highlight the link between carbohydrates (in all their forms) or sugars if you like that screw with your body and cause insulin to work against you rather than for you.  

If you get a moment when you look at a packet of food or jar or bottle have a look at the ingredients - it will surprise you what is in it.  Mustard for example had sugar and wheat flour in it.  I have now bought ground mustard powder and make my own as needed.   A jar of pickles generally has for example Onions, Vinegar, Fructose, Salt and some other stuff.  We try and make our own now as it is difficult to find any that don't have sugar / fructose in them.  How on earth diabetics can keep track and control over this is beyond me.  

Finally in this rant, the consensus is that the food pyramid has carbohydrates at the base and vegetables and fruit thereafter then diary and then meats and fish above that.  Surely something is wrong here - carbohydrates are cheap and plentiful but will kick the daylights out of your body and make you fat (if you are so inclined that way) and then fruit which our ancestors only had limited supplies of and only in season and certainly they didn't have the highly modified fruits of today which are high in sugars and low in fibre.   The whole thing is arse about face and this supply of cheap and plentiful carbs and fruit and processed food which hasn't been with us that long is leading to a major problem with the population including diabetes, heart disease and cancers.  It's a bit of a "Go Figure" thing.  

I know that since I've been on a low carbohydrate, low insulin (GI), high protein diet my weight has fallen away, and generally my health is better than it has been for some time.  I feel quite fit and healthy and problems I used to have with sleep patterns and in many ways the ups and downs I used to get are things of the past.  The fatigues I used to get don't happen and whilst I know I'm not as fit as I ought to be I'm still much much better than last year, no longer out of breath or getting panic attacks/claustrophobia so regularly and I fit my clothes and actually feel good about myself.

I hope that as I recover from these biopsies I'll do some more exercise as I know I should (much as it sucks) to increase and perhaps accelerate weight loss and also, if there is any residual tendency towards Type 2 Diabetes in my system, to completely reverse that.  It would be good to go to my Doctor and show my Blood readings and shove those under his/her nose and question their letter to the Hospital and also ask why they didn't think to talk to me about it, advise me or get me tested (unless that is what the yearly blood test is actually about)?  It wasn't a fasting one last time so I kind of doubt it as far as I recall they need to make sure they aren't injuring my Kidneys.  Oh well - sure it will all come clear when I eventually get to see them.