The Tension is Building

Again I can feel the slight rise in anxiety whenever I am made to think about going in for these tests. It has to be three weeks or more away and yet the thought of it is beginning to make me feel queasy this morning.

Pragmatism alone doesn't get to settle me down either. The uncertainty over the date, the impact of that date (employment) and that the insurance form hasn't been sorted to add to this. The results, well that has got to start to be a concern no matter how well I feel the results are everything and in being positive I mustn't be too upset if the results are not good.

I hate Hospitals anyway and so it is always difficult for me to go in. I find the Theatre experience absolutely terrifying and just the smell of the place turns me over.

I think you can see I'm not exactly looking forward to this.

A few more on the casualty list

Must be the time of life I reckon. Two phone calls, both guys of about my age - both got problems - not quite as bad but bad enough and they are now starting to go in and out of Hospital and be on treatment.

There must be a point in time where your body just says "enough" and it looks like it is now. If I were a car I'd have been scrapped by now!

Yuck

Phew those last set of posts! Doesn't make good reading does it? I am going to have to do something about it.

How long have things been like that though? Was it a one off? How true are the things I've observed? Is it just me and so on.....

The trouble is I've known about this for quite some while and like many things that have happened in the past, once the novelty is over everything goes back to the old ways. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in.

There is a way out of this, I've known that for years too, I'm just not sure I want to go down that road at the moment.

Heart / Sleeve / Sleeve / Heart

I'm going to leave those last few posts there for a while I think.

Could be me getting all stirred up with the forthcoming hospitalisation. It could be something else. Perhaps it is a new found clarity of thought. I don't know but as I've put those posts up there I ought to leave them for a while and see if I still agree in a few days time.

I have to ask myself what I am doing up at 1 45 in the morning, with a glass of Scotch and writing this instead of being curled up in bed! And it's not the first time either.

Facing up to reality wasn't really in the plot at the moment - all I wanted to do was get to the next step and have a diagnosis that says go on maintenance. I'm not sure I need or want the emotional baggage hanging around at the same time but it looks as if I have got it.

And What is that all about then?

I think that everything has changed now. The party was just a nightmare - no one wanted to be there (except me). I felt like something nasty someone had picked up or trod in and its hardly complementary.

Then it struck me that there isn't a lot left that I have in common anymore. My taste in music, film, outside interests and reading are diametrically opposed to the remainder of the household. Whatever experiences I have been through are also alien and externally I don't look ill.

I could be wrong - I hope so - but I found that no one knew me at all this weekend. Asked whether they could name my favourite music, books and interests I doubt they could get more then 2 out of 10 right. It's not that they fill their heads with soap operas and lifestyle programmes either its just that there seems to be a total disconnect now. I can easily be sat at home on a Saturday expecting to see the family and all of them are out - all day.

anyhow, I'm whinging and griping on and for this one I have no answer or anyway forward to resolve it. It goes back to the whinge last week about not getting away. It's only me that sees that Easter is probably shot now dependant on what happens in a few weeks time. I'm valuing the support of my friends but goodness only knows what is motivating the remainder of the family. Perhaps it is me being some sort of arse and causing it.

So now you've an idea what Saturday nights blogs were all about - they were FAR worse than this - believe me :-)

OK - A bit Strange I'll admit

But I like music like this. From Antony & the Johnsons

Hope There's Someone - I had this playing when I went in for the first operation just as the trolley came to get me this was the last song I heard... Spooky indeed :-)


Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go

Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired

There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head

Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there

There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head

So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed

Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go

Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired


So how would you like to have heard that as they were just about to take you down to Theatre? Yep, that's what I thought but I really like the song it is imprinted on my brain now.

Then one I listened to when I got home

Alan Parsons Project featuring Colin Bluntstone (who I saw last year with Argent - great).

As far as my eyes can see.


As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to know
You've always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go

And oh when I'm old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
Id smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise

As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those I leave behind
I want you all to know
You've always shared my darkest hours
Ill miss you when I go

And oh, when I'm old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a friend of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise

As far as my eyes can see


I've always like this one - if it wasn't for some other tracks I like I'd have this at the end of my funeral - no really I would but there's too much good classical stuff isn't there :-)

So now you've got two of the tracks and the third one coming up. So what's that about?

Saturday Night Revisted

I heard some songs on Saturday night and I thought that the words were quite appropriate.

So the first one was this by Robbie Williams. Called Feel.

Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given.
I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language,
I don't understand.

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.

I don't wanna die,
But I ain't keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That's why I keep on running.
Before Ive arrived,
I can see myself coming.

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

(instrumental)

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face,
its a real big place.


(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.


Lyrics END

It all depends what bit you listen to and how you read it I suppose. Anyway, one of the things that grabbed my attention on Saturday night as I sat listening to the lyrics sat on my own... There's a clue!

Keeping Well & Feeling Well

There is something about these words isn't there? Like "take care" - a funny thing to say to someone as you part - "take care" - what do you think I'm going to do, leap under a train?

Keeping Well and Feeling Well are somehow wrapped up in the language of cancer. A lot of people say that having a positive outlook is a good thing and that I am going to agree with as I am definitely trying to have that positive outlook and yet, the nearer the operation comes the more frightened and concerned I am becoming - only natural you may say but it may be three weeks away but already I am beginning to get quite nervous and touchy about it.

Keeping well and feeling well are intertwined in a way. I've said often enough that I've changed the way I eat and I've started to exercise regularly - albeit last week was just wiped out with half term and doing other stuff. I want to get better and I want to be fit again and I want to be rid of this and so changing my diet, changing my habits and living differently are all part of "My side of the bargain" I believe. The Doctors do their bit and the surgeons and the specialists can repair the damage, set a course of treatment and put in place the best possible plan for your recovery - that's what they do. It would be churlish of me to go off and do something stupid like eating the wrong things, getting on contact with potential carcinogens and to have a lifestyle that would do everything to defeat the treatment I was under.

So - I'm doing everything I can on that front.

What disturbed me the other day was those who diagnosed with cancer that CAN be treated continued to smoke, eat rubbish food, drink too much and just continue as if it didn't matter. I can't believe that you could not think - given the prognosis - to change to give yourself the best possible chance. It's a bit like that footballer who given the opportunity of a new life with a Liver transplant carried on drinking and died anyway. I really hope that I never get to feel that way about things and betray all the work and hundreds of hours of NHS time that has spared me so far.

Not that impressed

Just reflecting on 4 months taken to fill in a form or not as in this case. I don't think I'd say anything against my specialist. I happen to be here writing this because of them.

Is the form that daunting or too long that it takes this length of time to complete? Is the poor person that overloaded that they cannot do it? Surely it must be standard practice to specialists especially those who have businesses and key man policies?

The frustration is that I haven't bothered to chase it up because it isn't that important in the overall scheme of things. However with redundancy looming large and the unknown of the next few months outcomes it would be good to have something to fall back on if it all goes pear shaped.

Insurance Called

We cannot do anything as we cannot get the Specialist to complete the form and send it back to us.

That is 4 months taken to not fill in the form. I'd prefer this benefit rather than the death benefit because it is more :-)

No really though - that is taking the p*ss a bit isn't it. What if you were really ill or terminally ill, the family might need the money?

The Long Goodbye

From Work not shuffling off this mortal coil! I've sort of completed all the things they wanted me to do now and it's time to go. I'm just getting myself ready for how I am going to do that. Tomorrow they have their Board Meeting so it is worth waiting until just after that as there are some formalities they have to go through then. I can then drop the suggestion on Wednesday and if everyone is happy I can perhaps get rid of the PC and other stuff and get a clean break at the end of February.

I'm remote enough from it now for it no longer to be upsetting to leave. The hard bit will be cutting all the ties and leaving them to their own devices once the kit is handed back.

New Week - Time to get organised

Yep, I'm doing something every day this week and it looks as if it is going to be a busy one with work stuff and clearing up and archiving loads of stuff in my office. I did a shed load of clearing yesterday and I am left with just a few files to sort out. Now I need to start on the three shelves of software CDs and DVDs I have. They might just be better suited being put into a CD file system rather than being left in their Jewel cases.

I'm also archiving and backing up the computers again and hopefully I'll get rid of my old company laptop this week or the next as I have almost finished the work I was doing for them

Saturday night was bad

I went to a party and felt as if I was the only person who wanted to be there. All they wanted to do was to get home, all I wanted to do was to enjoy myself. It hardly seemed worth going the fuss everyone made so I'm wondering why. Also hence there were many strange blogs yesterday and in the early hours of this morning. Nothing sinister just a bit more whinging than I normally am!

Missing Posts

If you wondered what happened to the last 6 posts I did last night - well I pulled them as they went over the line. If you read them, then you probably saw more of what I've been thinking about these past months than you should have. If you didn't read them, they were far too open when I re-read them in the cold light of day.

Lucky Really

Those few layers of cells stopped it being a very sad story. But then yesterday I got a note from one of my far flung cousins who has had their bladder removed a long time ago and that's fine but now there are lots of complications and all sorts of things happening, most wholly unrelated - part of getting old. The thing here is that I don't have lots of things wrong with me, I've been well for 30 years and so I suppose I am lucky and shouldn't moan too much.

It's a big deal if you got something like this and yet, looking around there really are people far, far worse off than yourself.

Back to this changing thing again

I've changed. My outlook is different, my temperament is different, my worries are different and my ability to or the way I compute things is different too.

Outlook: I really didn't think I'd be here once I knew what I was diagnosed with. I know differently now but to think that I was only a few microscopic cells between one life and another is scary. Because I am alive and I am fit and I am pretty healthy I'm going to look at things differently. I used to be indestructible but now I know I am not, that I'm mortal and that my body didn't hold up to the onslaught that was my lifestyle.

What else? Not sure at the moment. I'm not sure if I want to share what is crystallizing in my mind with everyone reading this blog. At the back of my mind is the real possibility that where I am and what I do and how I live ought to be changed. I can't tell if that is a radical change or just a few things. I am no longer going in the same direction as everyone else and I'm not sure if I want to force myself to conform to what I did before I was diagnosed. Sorry that was a bit oblique but read between the lines and I think you'll get there especially those who know me.

Temperament: That is different these days. I still haven't equalised this out. Anger one moment, tears the next, huge highs and massive lows. OK the lows aren't that bad and they aren't that dark (they were early on) I'm happy to be alive, a little too extrovert for my liking and a little too loud and too me, me, me as well. One minute I ridicule my condition the next it is a serious thing. I don't know what balance to have and no doubt it will settle down with time.

It is difficult to hold a balanced view. I'm terrified of the stuff to come shortly yet I'll get through it. It's necessary, I'm not brave either. I have a serious condition and yet I can be dismissive of that too. I think that the settling down will come once the situation has settled down. Things are still unknown and still to be finalised and to be set out. At each stage things have gotten better. This next step could be good news and suddenly (if it is) everything will become clear and a plan can be put in place and efforts can be channelled and geared towards it and perhaps I can get down to "normality" whatever that will be then.

My Worries are different: What I mean by that is that I'm at a stage where I can sort out important things in my life like paying the house off and that sort of thing. I now have the flexibility to change the way I am living to suit whatever is thrown at me. I'm past caring about climbing the greasy pole at a corporate level, life became too short for working your tail off with my diagnosis. I may still need to work but I need to work smarter not harder and I don't need all the rubbish that goes with it.

The way I compute things: Interesting thing to say perhaps? What I mean by that is that I no longer think in the same way I did before. I'm no longer as cautious as I was before and I don't think too long and hard about doing something that I'll enjoy. I almost got agoraphobic at one point and I don't want that to happen again. I'm also finding somethings difficult to think about and to come to decisions about. I've already alluded to the fact (above) that I'm veering off on a different path and I can't quite understand that. Perhaps I've now got the chance of having more time to think and consider my actions and reactions and whereas in the past I'd let things go or tow the line, perhaps now I'm asking more questions and using the word "Why?" more often.

I don't like the idea of anyone getting hurt along the way but I foresee that as a by product. I don't think it is just the patient who suffers with cancer. I have a feeling that there is going to be more upset and disruption to come and that there is a price to pay. I can imagine in terminal cases that it brings people closer together or tears them apart. I have a feeling that something like that is going to happen eventually.

So, that stuff above reflects my thoughts on Friday night. I still need to re-assure everyone that this blog is the safety valve and my sounding board too. The process of coming to terms with my new found life necessitates me going through these questions and emotions - to share them on here doesn't always mean that I agree with them or that they will happen. Roll the caveats (no animal was hurt during the writing of this blog - the events and characters are fictitious etc :-) )

Of course, I may find out that all this "deep and meaningful" stuff really doesn't matter at all - just my way of coming to terms with everything.

Now I've Thought it through

it all makes some sense and I don't feel quite so bad about things. I can now quite happily move everything back to mid March and work from there. It is a nuisance of course but it will allow me to get rid of the old job and shake off the "baggage" that has with it. Additionally it will allow me to get myself in some sort of order back here.

I feel a spring clean of my office coming on and I have made quite a good start. What exactly can you do with a few thousand 3 1/2" floppy disks, I must have close to 500 CDs and a few hundred DVDs all containing computer software and files which need to be put somewhere or just thrown away. So I've plenty to keep me occupied and who knows I might just get myself organised.

Saying No

Despite all the things I have said about being more assertive and doing my own thing. I still don't say "NO" half enough. It really leads you into half the difficulties you find yourself in. If I'd have said no a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been worrying about getting a job.

Nothing to Worry About

Doh! As my old mate Homer J Simpson says.

There is me worrying about starting a new job and all that and there really isn't any reason to worry at all:

1. I'm on PAID garden leave until the 17th April so what is the rush?
2. By that time, whatever would have happened to me I'd be recuperated or would have had 3 treatments
3. The way work is at the moment, I should be OK to find another job
4. My health is far more important than starting a job straight away

There - it was; easy once I'd sat down and thought about it without any distractions.