Back to this changing thing again

I've changed. My outlook is different, my temperament is different, my worries are different and my ability to or the way I compute things is different too.

Outlook: I really didn't think I'd be here once I knew what I was diagnosed with. I know differently now but to think that I was only a few microscopic cells between one life and another is scary. Because I am alive and I am fit and I am pretty healthy I'm going to look at things differently. I used to be indestructible but now I know I am not, that I'm mortal and that my body didn't hold up to the onslaught that was my lifestyle.

What else? Not sure at the moment. I'm not sure if I want to share what is crystallizing in my mind with everyone reading this blog. At the back of my mind is the real possibility that where I am and what I do and how I live ought to be changed. I can't tell if that is a radical change or just a few things. I am no longer going in the same direction as everyone else and I'm not sure if I want to force myself to conform to what I did before I was diagnosed. Sorry that was a bit oblique but read between the lines and I think you'll get there especially those who know me.

Temperament: That is different these days. I still haven't equalised this out. Anger one moment, tears the next, huge highs and massive lows. OK the lows aren't that bad and they aren't that dark (they were early on) I'm happy to be alive, a little too extrovert for my liking and a little too loud and too me, me, me as well. One minute I ridicule my condition the next it is a serious thing. I don't know what balance to have and no doubt it will settle down with time.

It is difficult to hold a balanced view. I'm terrified of the stuff to come shortly yet I'll get through it. It's necessary, I'm not brave either. I have a serious condition and yet I can be dismissive of that too. I think that the settling down will come once the situation has settled down. Things are still unknown and still to be finalised and to be set out. At each stage things have gotten better. This next step could be good news and suddenly (if it is) everything will become clear and a plan can be put in place and efforts can be channelled and geared towards it and perhaps I can get down to "normality" whatever that will be then.

My Worries are different: What I mean by that is that I'm at a stage where I can sort out important things in my life like paying the house off and that sort of thing. I now have the flexibility to change the way I am living to suit whatever is thrown at me. I'm past caring about climbing the greasy pole at a corporate level, life became too short for working your tail off with my diagnosis. I may still need to work but I need to work smarter not harder and I don't need all the rubbish that goes with it.

The way I compute things: Interesting thing to say perhaps? What I mean by that is that I no longer think in the same way I did before. I'm no longer as cautious as I was before and I don't think too long and hard about doing something that I'll enjoy. I almost got agoraphobic at one point and I don't want that to happen again. I'm also finding somethings difficult to think about and to come to decisions about. I've already alluded to the fact (above) that I'm veering off on a different path and I can't quite understand that. Perhaps I've now got the chance of having more time to think and consider my actions and reactions and whereas in the past I'd let things go or tow the line, perhaps now I'm asking more questions and using the word "Why?" more often.

I don't like the idea of anyone getting hurt along the way but I foresee that as a by product. I don't think it is just the patient who suffers with cancer. I have a feeling that there is going to be more upset and disruption to come and that there is a price to pay. I can imagine in terminal cases that it brings people closer together or tears them apart. I have a feeling that something like that is going to happen eventually.

So, that stuff above reflects my thoughts on Friday night. I still need to re-assure everyone that this blog is the safety valve and my sounding board too. The process of coming to terms with my new found life necessitates me going through these questions and emotions - to share them on here doesn't always mean that I agree with them or that they will happen. Roll the caveats (no animal was hurt during the writing of this blog - the events and characters are fictitious etc :-) )

Of course, I may find out that all this "deep and meaningful" stuff really doesn't matter at all - just my way of coming to terms with everything.