Aha that will be it

I think I figured out this a bit now but only a bit.

I've changed massively, it all happened to me and my brain is computing all the variables and my body is telling me how much it hurts, doesn't hurt, is uncomfortable and so on. I do tell the family some of this. my wife knows more of the times when I've been curled up in a ball but other than that, my condition hasn't changed them particularly. We know that whilst it is nasty and life threatening that now I'm under observation and treatment then things are manageable.

So, what am I driving at? I've only realised that it is only me that sees thing this clearly and sees an urgency to wanting to do things. Everyone else has of course, been supportive and sympathetic but their life HASN'T changed. That is it. They have to carry on as they need to, going to college and school and work. Its me that is struggling with all the permutations and mulling decisions and turning over why I couldn't see why it didn't matter to anyone but me that we didn't go on holiday this week.

I know a hell of a lot about my disease, my diagnosis, the percentages, the possible outcomes and the long term prognosis. I'm not laying down in an oxygen tent or in intensive care or a hospice so I'm alright and if you didn't know that I had Cancer you'd probably think that you'd met someone who was a little more livelier than you'd have expected.

So, I'm on the journey, the family haven't been affected half as much as I think they have. I've convinced those (including myself) that I'm not going to peg out tomorrow and so generally as you can't see the change then it must be that I'm OK.

Note to self - only you are thinking like that not everyone else is tuned in to your wavelength and they have no idea why it is a great idea to get away to a place you've never been to. So life goes on as normal - its just you that is no longer normal :-) Goes back to an earlier post about being selfish in a way. I feel I have changed beyond recognition in the last 6 months but obviously not to the folks around me.