Pent up anger and agression

It surprises me and I have no doubt a lot of people that I get really angry with things these days. I no longer care what people (that are not known to me) think about me and I can quickly launch into a broadside if I thing they are wasting my time or just downright rude or some other such excuse.

I think that I am actually a lot more relaxed especially with friends and family but know that I am also full on expressing myself and being "me with cancer" - it is a totally different "me" to this time last year for example.

But this anger thing is strange. I'm feeling quite calm here, sitting in front of my PC and banging out a few lines and yet I'm angry at the same time. I can't tell you what about - I think it is because I've got cancer and I've got to go back in and they are going to stick things in me again and I'm going to have to go through some other unpleasantness. Maybe it is that no one changed except me (I said this a day or so ago). Maybe it is that I've want to do things and "escape" a bit but the moral dilemma is that I still have to go on providing and "being there" and I'd be quite happy to pack my bag, jump in the car and go and walk around the Lakes or go to the West Coast of Scotland or something. Maybe that IS why I'm angry.

It is still strange though, pent up rage, anger, aggression and yet I don't feel like yelling or breaking anything just seething seems to work for me :-) Right this moment, I don't feel any anger at all. It's out now. On the blog and for all to see.

I can easily believe that a lot of people with cancer are angry though. You finally find some sort of truth about yourself and you are so far entrenched that you can't get out and live the life you think that perhaps you now ought to be living.

Thanks to an old friend for this saying "The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in".

I think if there is going to be a change it will be monumental though.