It was bound to happen I suppose. Injection of cash, new plan to take the business forward, bye bye MD and hello new one. Additionally there were about 7 of us went in the redundancies and a further 5 plus the MD have just resigned and so there is a lot of collateral damage. For such a small company this represents about 35% of the workforce displaced since January. It will make them reel for a few more months too.
On the up side at least they can pay me off now.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
It doesn't take much
to cheer me up. Back up on a high again today and yet up until last night I'd been quite down.
Easily pleased, that's me.
Easily pleased, that's me.
A Laugh
A week or so ago this happened and I had to laugh. Youngest daughter is 13 and growing up fast but English - well, it could be a second language to her - bless!
So it is lunchtime, I'm looking through a recipe book, No 2 daughter (13) looking over my shoulder. I turn the page to find squid - from behind I hear "Look at that, it's disgusting look at all those testicles!" My wife had to rescue me whilst I was trying to explain the difference between tentacles and testicles. I almost hurt myself laughing. Daughter, for some reason didn't think it was at all funny.
Luckily I suppose they know the difference in the Hospital.
No - don't go there :-)
So it is lunchtime, I'm looking through a recipe book, No 2 daughter (13) looking over my shoulder. I turn the page to find squid - from behind I hear "Look at that, it's disgusting look at all those testicles!" My wife had to rescue me whilst I was trying to explain the difference between tentacles and testicles. I almost hurt myself laughing. Daughter, for some reason didn't think it was at all funny.
Luckily I suppose they know the difference in the Hospital.
No - don't go there :-)
I Must be Sh1t to live with at the moment (or perhaps all the time)
I can imagine that you can never quite know how I am or how I am feeling or whether I'll smile or bite your head off. I think I'm pretty good at being "normal" still with just the very occasional slip up and growl or snarl.
I've been saying that I have been getting it in the neck I suppose that I could have been giving it out rather than getting it?
It is possible
I've been saying that I have been getting it in the neck I suppose that I could have been giving it out rather than getting it?
It is possible
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Strange what picks you up
A good deed, a pleasant conversation, someone who had something similar to you, a funny line. a smiling face, a pleasant bar girl, a sincere word.
What a difference a couple of hours makes. As I get towards the date so my emotions flip flop between the ecstatic and the morose :-)
Anyway - it just shows what a group of people can do for your morale.
What a difference a couple of hours makes. As I get towards the date so my emotions flip flop between the ecstatic and the morose :-)
Anyway - it just shows what a group of people can do for your morale.
Lifted at last
Tonight was a great night. I run a business networking club and tonight was one of the best responses ever. New people and some who we hadn't seen for ages turned up. It was great to see them and it made so much difference to my demeanour.
Guardian Angel was there - always good to see my friend keeping me on the straight and narrow and all in all I feel really lifted as it was such a good evening.
Guardian Angel was there - always good to see my friend keeping me on the straight and narrow and all in all I feel really lifted as it was such a good evening.
Off out of the house
in a few minutes - going to see someone about some work I am doing for them. At least I might get out of the house for a short while and take my mind off everything else.
Any chance of getting some work done today
Has evaporated - I can't concentrate on anything at the moment. I've got one train of thought running around my head. It is going to be one of the bad days.
This is one of those days where your brain takes over and starts to beat you up - all sorts of things can get dragged up. Stuff from your past that perhaps you regret, stuff that hasn't happened yet and the consequences into the future. Stuff to make you question how you feel about yourself, your family, your friends, your life and so on.
I don't think that this is new but it is just heightened since diagnosis and I get into periods like this where all I do is try and break out of the torture my brain is putting me through. It's a malaise that just stays with you all day long. I think the scale of the issues facing me are such that this is the brain computing all the options and kicking around how to react to each potential outcome. The trouble is of course, you can't predict the future so why try. The other side of that argument is that you do probably need to work out what living with cancer is going to be like for you going forward and you need to manage it.
I'm making my head hurt now so I'll stop :-) You can still keep your sense of humour during these periods of brain over-activity. :-)
This is one of those days where your brain takes over and starts to beat you up - all sorts of things can get dragged up. Stuff from your past that perhaps you regret, stuff that hasn't happened yet and the consequences into the future. Stuff to make you question how you feel about yourself, your family, your friends, your life and so on.
I don't think that this is new but it is just heightened since diagnosis and I get into periods like this where all I do is try and break out of the torture my brain is putting me through. It's a malaise that just stays with you all day long. I think the scale of the issues facing me are such that this is the brain computing all the options and kicking around how to react to each potential outcome. The trouble is of course, you can't predict the future so why try. The other side of that argument is that you do probably need to work out what living with cancer is going to be like for you going forward and you need to manage it.
I'm making my head hurt now so I'll stop :-) You can still keep your sense of humour during these periods of brain over-activity. :-)
The Tension is Building
Again I can feel the slight rise in anxiety whenever I am made to think about going in for these tests. It has to be three weeks or more away and yet the thought of it is beginning to make me feel queasy this morning.
Pragmatism alone doesn't get to settle me down either. The uncertainty over the date, the impact of that date (employment) and that the insurance form hasn't been sorted to add to this. The results, well that has got to start to be a concern no matter how well I feel the results are everything and in being positive I mustn't be too upset if the results are not good.
I hate Hospitals anyway and so it is always difficult for me to go in. I find the Theatre experience absolutely terrifying and just the smell of the place turns me over.
I think you can see I'm not exactly looking forward to this.
Pragmatism alone doesn't get to settle me down either. The uncertainty over the date, the impact of that date (employment) and that the insurance form hasn't been sorted to add to this. The results, well that has got to start to be a concern no matter how well I feel the results are everything and in being positive I mustn't be too upset if the results are not good.
I hate Hospitals anyway and so it is always difficult for me to go in. I find the Theatre experience absolutely terrifying and just the smell of the place turns me over.
I think you can see I'm not exactly looking forward to this.
A few more on the casualty list
Must be the time of life I reckon. Two phone calls, both guys of about my age - both got problems - not quite as bad but bad enough and they are now starting to go in and out of Hospital and be on treatment.
There must be a point in time where your body just says "enough" and it looks like it is now. If I were a car I'd have been scrapped by now!
There must be a point in time where your body just says "enough" and it looks like it is now. If I were a car I'd have been scrapped by now!
Yuck
Phew those last set of posts! Doesn't make good reading does it? I am going to have to do something about it.
How long have things been like that though? Was it a one off? How true are the things I've observed? Is it just me and so on.....
The trouble is I've known about this for quite some while and like many things that have happened in the past, once the novelty is over everything goes back to the old ways. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in.
There is a way out of this, I've known that for years too, I'm just not sure I want to go down that road at the moment.
How long have things been like that though? Was it a one off? How true are the things I've observed? Is it just me and so on.....
The trouble is I've known about this for quite some while and like many things that have happened in the past, once the novelty is over everything goes back to the old ways. The biggest rut you have to climb out of is the rut you are in.
There is a way out of this, I've known that for years too, I'm just not sure I want to go down that road at the moment.
Heart / Sleeve / Sleeve / Heart
I'm going to leave those last few posts there for a while I think.
Could be me getting all stirred up with the forthcoming hospitalisation. It could be something else. Perhaps it is a new found clarity of thought. I don't know but as I've put those posts up there I ought to leave them for a while and see if I still agree in a few days time.
I have to ask myself what I am doing up at 1 45 in the morning, with a glass of Scotch and writing this instead of being curled up in bed! And it's not the first time either.
Facing up to reality wasn't really in the plot at the moment - all I wanted to do was get to the next step and have a diagnosis that says go on maintenance. I'm not sure I need or want the emotional baggage hanging around at the same time but it looks as if I have got it.
Could be me getting all stirred up with the forthcoming hospitalisation. It could be something else. Perhaps it is a new found clarity of thought. I don't know but as I've put those posts up there I ought to leave them for a while and see if I still agree in a few days time.
I have to ask myself what I am doing up at 1 45 in the morning, with a glass of Scotch and writing this instead of being curled up in bed! And it's not the first time either.
Facing up to reality wasn't really in the plot at the moment - all I wanted to do was get to the next step and have a diagnosis that says go on maintenance. I'm not sure I need or want the emotional baggage hanging around at the same time but it looks as if I have got it.
And What is that all about then?
I think that everything has changed now. The party was just a nightmare - no one wanted to be there (except me). I felt like something nasty someone had picked up or trod in and its hardly complementary.
Then it struck me that there isn't a lot left that I have in common anymore. My taste in music, film, outside interests and reading are diametrically opposed to the remainder of the household. Whatever experiences I have been through are also alien and externally I don't look ill.
I could be wrong - I hope so - but I found that no one knew me at all this weekend. Asked whether they could name my favourite music, books and interests I doubt they could get more then 2 out of 10 right. It's not that they fill their heads with soap operas and lifestyle programmes either its just that there seems to be a total disconnect now. I can easily be sat at home on a Saturday expecting to see the family and all of them are out - all day.
anyhow, I'm whinging and griping on and for this one I have no answer or anyway forward to resolve it. It goes back to the whinge last week about not getting away. It's only me that sees that Easter is probably shot now dependant on what happens in a few weeks time. I'm valuing the support of my friends but goodness only knows what is motivating the remainder of the family. Perhaps it is me being some sort of arse and causing it.
So now you've an idea what Saturday nights blogs were all about - they were FAR worse than this - believe me :-)
Then it struck me that there isn't a lot left that I have in common anymore. My taste in music, film, outside interests and reading are diametrically opposed to the remainder of the household. Whatever experiences I have been through are also alien and externally I don't look ill.
I could be wrong - I hope so - but I found that no one knew me at all this weekend. Asked whether they could name my favourite music, books and interests I doubt they could get more then 2 out of 10 right. It's not that they fill their heads with soap operas and lifestyle programmes either its just that there seems to be a total disconnect now. I can easily be sat at home on a Saturday expecting to see the family and all of them are out - all day.
anyhow, I'm whinging and griping on and for this one I have no answer or anyway forward to resolve it. It goes back to the whinge last week about not getting away. It's only me that sees that Easter is probably shot now dependant on what happens in a few weeks time. I'm valuing the support of my friends but goodness only knows what is motivating the remainder of the family. Perhaps it is me being some sort of arse and causing it.
So now you've an idea what Saturday nights blogs were all about - they were FAR worse than this - believe me :-)
OK - A bit Strange I'll admit
But I like music like this. From Antony & the Johnsons
Hope There's Someone - I had this playing when I went in for the first operation just as the trolley came to get me this was the last song I heard... Spooky indeed :-)
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head
So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
So how would you like to have heard that as they were just about to take you down to Theatre? Yep, that's what I thought but I really like the song it is imprinted on my brain now.
Hope There's Someone - I had this playing when I went in for the first operation just as the trolley came to get me this was the last song I heard... Spooky indeed :-)
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head
So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
So how would you like to have heard that as they were just about to take you down to Theatre? Yep, that's what I thought but I really like the song it is imprinted on my brain now.
Then one I listened to when I got home
Alan Parsons Project featuring Colin Bluntstone (who I saw last year with Argent - great).
As far as my eyes can see.
As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to know
You've always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go
And oh when I'm old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
Id smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise
As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those I leave behind
I want you all to know
You've always shared my darkest hours
Ill miss you when I go
And oh, when I'm old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a friend of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise
As far as my eyes can see
I've always like this one - if it wasn't for some other tracks I like I'd have this at the end of my funeral - no really I would but there's too much good classical stuff isn't there :-)
So now you've got two of the tracks and the third one coming up. So what's that about?
As far as my eyes can see.
As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to know
You've always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go
And oh when I'm old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
Id smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise
As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those I leave behind
I want you all to know
You've always shared my darkest hours
Ill miss you when I go
And oh, when I'm old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a friend of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise
As far as my eyes can see
I've always like this one - if it wasn't for some other tracks I like I'd have this at the end of my funeral - no really I would but there's too much good classical stuff isn't there :-)
So now you've got two of the tracks and the third one coming up. So what's that about?
Saturday Night Revisted
I heard some songs on Saturday night and I thought that the words were quite appropriate.
So the first one was this by Robbie Williams. Called Feel.
Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given.
I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language,
I don't understand.
(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
I don't wanna die,
But I ain't keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That's why I keep on running.
Before Ive arrived,
I can see myself coming.
(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.
(instrumental)
(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face,
its a real big place.
(instrumental)
Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Lyrics END
It all depends what bit you listen to and how you read it I suppose. Anyway, one of the things that grabbed my attention on Saturday night as I sat listening to the lyrics sat on my own... There's a clue!
So the first one was this by Robbie Williams. Called Feel.
Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given.
I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language,
I don't understand.
(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
I don't wanna die,
But I ain't keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That's why I keep on running.
Before Ive arrived,
I can see myself coming.
(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.
(instrumental)
(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face,
its a real big place.
(instrumental)
Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role Ive been given
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Lyrics END
It all depends what bit you listen to and how you read it I suppose. Anyway, one of the things that grabbed my attention on Saturday night as I sat listening to the lyrics sat on my own... There's a clue!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Keeping Well & Feeling Well
There is something about these words isn't there? Like "take care" - a funny thing to say to someone as you part - "take care" - what do you think I'm going to do, leap under a train?
Keeping Well and Feeling Well are somehow wrapped up in the language of cancer. A lot of people say that having a positive outlook is a good thing and that I am going to agree with as I am definitely trying to have that positive outlook and yet, the nearer the operation comes the more frightened and concerned I am becoming - only natural you may say but it may be three weeks away but already I am beginning to get quite nervous and touchy about it.
Keeping well and feeling well are intertwined in a way. I've said often enough that I've changed the way I eat and I've started to exercise regularly - albeit last week was just wiped out with half term and doing other stuff. I want to get better and I want to be fit again and I want to be rid of this and so changing my diet, changing my habits and living differently are all part of "My side of the bargain" I believe. The Doctors do their bit and the surgeons and the specialists can repair the damage, set a course of treatment and put in place the best possible plan for your recovery - that's what they do. It would be churlish of me to go off and do something stupid like eating the wrong things, getting on contact with potential carcinogens and to have a lifestyle that would do everything to defeat the treatment I was under.
So - I'm doing everything I can on that front.
What disturbed me the other day was those who diagnosed with cancer that CAN be treated continued to smoke, eat rubbish food, drink too much and just continue as if it didn't matter. I can't believe that you could not think - given the prognosis - to change to give yourself the best possible chance. It's a bit like that footballer who given the opportunity of a new life with a Liver transplant carried on drinking and died anyway. I really hope that I never get to feel that way about things and betray all the work and hundreds of hours of NHS time that has spared me so far.
Keeping Well and Feeling Well are somehow wrapped up in the language of cancer. A lot of people say that having a positive outlook is a good thing and that I am going to agree with as I am definitely trying to have that positive outlook and yet, the nearer the operation comes the more frightened and concerned I am becoming - only natural you may say but it may be three weeks away but already I am beginning to get quite nervous and touchy about it.
Keeping well and feeling well are intertwined in a way. I've said often enough that I've changed the way I eat and I've started to exercise regularly - albeit last week was just wiped out with half term and doing other stuff. I want to get better and I want to be fit again and I want to be rid of this and so changing my diet, changing my habits and living differently are all part of "My side of the bargain" I believe. The Doctors do their bit and the surgeons and the specialists can repair the damage, set a course of treatment and put in place the best possible plan for your recovery - that's what they do. It would be churlish of me to go off and do something stupid like eating the wrong things, getting on contact with potential carcinogens and to have a lifestyle that would do everything to defeat the treatment I was under.
So - I'm doing everything I can on that front.
What disturbed me the other day was those who diagnosed with cancer that CAN be treated continued to smoke, eat rubbish food, drink too much and just continue as if it didn't matter. I can't believe that you could not think - given the prognosis - to change to give yourself the best possible chance. It's a bit like that footballer who given the opportunity of a new life with a Liver transplant carried on drinking and died anyway. I really hope that I never get to feel that way about things and betray all the work and hundreds of hours of NHS time that has spared me so far.
Not that impressed
Just reflecting on 4 months taken to fill in a form or not as in this case. I don't think I'd say anything against my specialist. I happen to be here writing this because of them.
Is the form that daunting or too long that it takes this length of time to complete? Is the poor person that overloaded that they cannot do it? Surely it must be standard practice to specialists especially those who have businesses and key man policies?
The frustration is that I haven't bothered to chase it up because it isn't that important in the overall scheme of things. However with redundancy looming large and the unknown of the next few months outcomes it would be good to have something to fall back on if it all goes pear shaped.
Is the form that daunting or too long that it takes this length of time to complete? Is the poor person that overloaded that they cannot do it? Surely it must be standard practice to specialists especially those who have businesses and key man policies?
The frustration is that I haven't bothered to chase it up because it isn't that important in the overall scheme of things. However with redundancy looming large and the unknown of the next few months outcomes it would be good to have something to fall back on if it all goes pear shaped.
Insurance Called
We cannot do anything as we cannot get the Specialist to complete the form and send it back to us.
That is 4 months taken to not fill in the form. I'd prefer this benefit rather than the death benefit because it is more :-)
No really though - that is taking the p*ss a bit isn't it. What if you were really ill or terminally ill, the family might need the money?
That is 4 months taken to not fill in the form. I'd prefer this benefit rather than the death benefit because it is more :-)
No really though - that is taking the p*ss a bit isn't it. What if you were really ill or terminally ill, the family might need the money?
The Long Goodbye
From Work not shuffling off this mortal coil! I've sort of completed all the things they wanted me to do now and it's time to go. I'm just getting myself ready for how I am going to do that. Tomorrow they have their Board Meeting so it is worth waiting until just after that as there are some formalities they have to go through then. I can then drop the suggestion on Wednesday and if everyone is happy I can perhaps get rid of the PC and other stuff and get a clean break at the end of February.
I'm remote enough from it now for it no longer to be upsetting to leave. The hard bit will be cutting all the ties and leaving them to their own devices once the kit is handed back.
I'm remote enough from it now for it no longer to be upsetting to leave. The hard bit will be cutting all the ties and leaving them to their own devices once the kit is handed back.
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