A Bit Better

I have finally sorted out some financial figures that have been bugging me for months. That cheered me up no end as I can now see where the problem was. I fixed someones PC and I am going out for a beer with my Nephew so it is a better end to the day than the rest of it.

Tomorrow I have a meeting in the morning and then I can get on and get some more work done.

So I am a little bit happier than I was earlier on in the day. I hope that lasts

Come On, Cheer Up

I'm having quite a miserable day today. I'm getting on quite well with what I have to do and trudging through a treacle of paperwork but dear oh dear, I just don't feel my normal cheery self. That will probably change when the household arrives back from work and school /college I can probably put my stage face on and sort that but I'll probably still be a little sad inside.

I want everything to be sorted out, normal, back the way it was, like it was about this time last year. Of course that isn't going to happen but that is what I feel like right now. I feel about of "why me" coming on again :-) I know well enough why me - stupid sod! It is amazing how occasionally you feel like this. Ah - there's the front door. time to put on the grease paint and put on the show.

TTFN!

Routines

I hope that having to go in for operations isn't a routine thing. I really hope that after this it moves on to something more manageable and planned. I hate the flexible cystoscopy but I hate the Operating theatre even more. Also at least you get it over and done with pretty quickly - it may sting a bit but at least you don;t end up catheterised and feeling like sh*t.

Stomach churning is just kicking in when I think about it too. I know it has got to be done though. If all is clear then it is less operations, more BCGs and scopes every 6 months. As I convince myself each time. This is better than the alternative.

Slipping the date of the op

Now means that if all is OK that there is potential that the treatment will slip into Easter and I have things to do during Easter. On top of that, it is possible that treatment may hit May and I definitely don't want it to do that as I have a once in a lifetime day out in early May and the last thing I want is to have had a BCG treatment the day before. It is possible to go out the day after but you are always conscious of the need to (possibly) dash to the bathroom something that will not be possible.

It sounds strange that you wouldn't want a treatment - I suppose if I have to have it done then I will just have to give up the opportunity knowing full well it won't come again. Decisions, decisions. As I've said before it makes planning anything an utter nightmare.

Exercise Revisited

I am continuing to do my exercises and 20 minutes 3 or 4 times a week. I tend to do my exercises first thing in the morning before breakfast and occasionally I will do exercises in the evening. 20 minutes is quite good and I have now tried out some of the more strenuous exercises which vary the loading a number of times and simulate hill climbs and descents etc. I also tried the one that works on your pulse alone adjusting the load to suit your heartbeat.

OK, OK, I can hear the mutterings - yes I DO have a heart so there!!

Insular

Slowly as we go towards the 19th March it becomes very personal and as you are the only person who can have the operation, it becomes a self centred thing. No matter what support you are getting, the one who is taking the jabs and the stress and anxiety is me.

It is 2 weeks and 4 days away and yet I am feeling quite upset about it. I know that I feel well and appear to be fine but it is nagging at the back of my mind that this can reoccur.

A Good Evening Out

It was a good evening out and we had some laughs (as you do). A really nice, out of the way country pub with some nice beers and a very warm fire!

It is funny how many things get sparked off as you are reminiscing. Anecdote followed anecdote, humorous story led on to another and so on. It was a thoroughly good evening out and took my mind off the fact that next time we will meet I should have had the next operation and should be up and about again.

Out Tonight

In fact I have been out 9 nights in ten so far - phew - no wonder I am beginning to feel it

Tonight with my old school chums and no doubt we will have a goo laugh and a trip down memory lane too. I have been ordered to wear the Not Dead Tee Shirt tonight so I suppose i had better do as I am told!

A report on progress tomorrow I expect. At least it will take my mind off the insurance claim for a while.

Let's See What Happens Now

It is one of those sit and wait things now. I had a glance at the report and it sounded and looked pretty serious to me. I had been told that it was so but I have been blocking out quite how serious it is. Again someone asked me if I "was alright now?" earlier today. The answer is of course not for a long time yet.

I am hoping that I get some sort of answer soon just to settle the uncertainty. Like all of these things there is a nagging doubt at the back of my mind about all of this.

Finally

Finally the fax was routed through me to get to my insurers. Phew it has taken months to do this.

An Interesting Day

My insurance claim has been forwards and backwards a number of times. The NHS fax system cannot handle cheap rate call fax numbers! When trying to get back to the NHS about the partial faxes the Insurance company were receiving the phone led to nowhere so no one knew there was a problem.

where there's a will there are relatives - NO I mean there's a way (of course) and so I think I have managed to free the log jam and all sides can sort it out now.

Coupled with that I have got through so much work it is unbelievable. The trouble is that it doesn't look that much :-)

No Post on Sunday

I was in recovery mode on Sunday - I just had a lazy day and so did my PC as that blue screened overnight!

I have no doubt that work will get started again this morning - it is 1 am and again, I'm having difficulty sleeping properly - in that I am awake not that I have forgotten how to sleep of course :-)

So as usual - late - no sleep, brain in overdrive so I could be here sometime before I can get to bed.

Today was a good day

I was amongst the company of many friends and acquaintances and we heard from two speakers about Prostate Cancer and the new research etc some of which is very interesting indeed.

I was inundated with well wishers and I'm really pleased if not a little embarrassed to be the centre of such attention. I felt very spoilt today - very spoilt indeed but it does make you feel so much better after you've got over the initial embarrassment of it all.

A Friend on Chemo

I met a friend of mine who has been on Chemo for Lung Cancer. He has another two to go, has lost his hair and will afterwards go on to Radiotherapy. I feel a bit of a fraud standing next to him, you can't tell other than I'm a bit of a fat boy at the moment and not quite as fit as I thought I might be.

He is doing well and it was brilliant to see him this evening. He didn't want to say much at all and I guess that I can understand that too.

Waiting isn't nice is it?

I can remember that last year's operation was so quick and so was the follow up that I didn't really have time to think about it. I was told on Friday and by Tuesday I was being operated on. The follow up was a week or so after I was told they wanted me in and again I was so busy and distracted.

This time I've known I have had to come back in for about 4 or 5 months since I was told all about my treatment and follow up. I suppose it is knowing what is going to happen to me and just the thought of it that is upsetting. I don't remember being this worried last time. I suppose I had other things on my mind and they were far worse on both of those occasions than they are now. Maybe I'm concerned what the outcome will be too. I am very conscious though of the dread in my thoughts about this one.

I have to keep telling myself that if it is good news then I'll have to go for flexibles every 6 months (not nice but there you go) and may get away without a Hospital visit. If it is bad news then they'll probably operate there and then and we will move off down some other avenue.

Yuk

Did I Say back on track

The wonders of modern day e-mail. I just got an apologetic e-mail back.

Did I say the 12th March. Nah! Try the 19th March instead. Mmm 3 weeks and a few days to go.

Shudders.........

And Another Thing

Apparently the Hospital have completed the form and it was sent back in January and has been sent back a number of times since.

Strange and curious that one says they haven't got it and the other says they have faxed it through a number of times. Perhaps the sheets were upside down in the fax - I've seen that in the past?

Now Back on Track

Looks likely to be back to the 12th March now. It was going to be 19th or 23rd March.

Anyway- doesn't matter what day does it? I'm still not looking forward to it.

Good Day out Yesterday

Phew,

It was a hectic day yesterday. More to come today as I try and sort out my presentation for tonight and get things ready for tomorrow morning. It can all get quite frenetic at times. I have a load of things to get done and just today to finish them. It just seems to have worked out that way. At least I have some sort of dialogue with the Hospital - not quite what I was expecting but a start I suppose. The trouble is they are pushing it back towards Easter which could screw up any chance of me getting away on holiday then.

Damn it they are pushing my admission back

At least a week maybe two weeks. So it doesn't need to be accurate to the 12 weeks then?

How should I know - it is only what they told me :-(

I think I might call in the morning as it just keeps slipping and therefore the opportunity to get a new job keeps slipping and so on. It is a vicious circle!

No doubt more as we progress on this!