Mainly Successful

I think that was it. I've handed over all of the document sets along with whatever knowledge that isn't in the file systems. Everyone seemed OK with what I gave them and I've given assurances that they can contact me should there be any problems.

I've completed a note back to the boss and hopefully we can arrange to get the PC and equipment handed back so that I can walk away from it at last. Like many of these things - trying to get a clean break point is always difficult and this - which I thought would be easier than most - is still a little difficult to extract myself from.

Last bit of work for employers

I think today could mark the last piece of work I have to do for my old employers. I'm going to walk them through all of the documentation I have left them (my legacy) and make sure they know what it is, what state of readiness it is in and so on.

Hopefully that will be an end to that, I can hand back the laptop and can put the whole thing behind me. It is baggage that I just don't want, after all I was made redundant and that is fine but to carry on working for them during the notice period is downright depressing - both parties need to move on.

I'll see if I can get that to happen in the next few weeks and then I can forget being available for them and get on with my own things.

I think it is fair to say that

I am getting quite wound up now. 2 weeks to go, I know what is going to happen as lets face it - it's the same as before but I won't be in for so long. I find the whole thing totally dehumanising and like being wheeled around in an abattoir.

I think that the worry is whether they'll find anything and what will happen then. It's not something that is cured and it can go one of a couple of ways. The ideal of course is to go onto maintenance - when will that start and finish? If it is bad news then is it something more drastic?

I don't want to wake up with the 4 weeks off work bit again but if that is what it has to be then that is that.

As I've said before the problem is recurrence and that is the worry, they can scrape away, treat and monitor but there is always the possibility that you've got an aggressive little disease and all it wants to do is get you!

That is enough for tonight. I can't imagine I'll be fun to be with for the next couple of weeks, I really notice how scared I feel. I am pretty frightened and I didn't have time to think on the other ones. This time I do and I've known for a long time that I'd have to do this.

No doubt I'll be moaning on about this in the next few weeks so forgive me for that - I keep hearing "Its got to be done" but most people who say it to me don't have to have it done to them.

Stop Talking About it

I wish everyone here would stop talking about the day I am going in. I just get relaxed and forget about it when I get "Do you want me to come in with you?" Sensible enough question but how many times do you have to ask me?

Red Moon

My goodness what a great view we had of the eclipse. It was probably the best one I have ever seen. We have the telescope set up in the back garden, video and ordinary cameras too.

It was well worth waiting up for. Combating the freezing conditions was easy with mugs of hot soup and a nice shot of brandy when I got in.

Full Moon at the Eclipse

tonight and I have the telescope out and ready. Not often you'll get to see a clear look at a reddish moon. I'd like to live somewhere away into the country as the light pollution is pretty bad and also most people would probably wonder what on earth I am up to at night with a telescope in my back garden! This is not a small telescope this has a stand and all that - it needs 30 minutes to acclimatise to the temperature and so on.

At least it something we can all do this evening I suppose.

Letting off some steam

Yes, I feel like going outside and yelling or screaming for a minute but what will the neighbours think? Situation Normal some of you dear readers may think but no!

I need to go and let off some steam somewhere - not sure where or how yet. The alternative is to go and blacken some eyes or beat the stuffing out of someone or something.

I may just have to up my exercise machine to go for an hour workout instead of my 20 minutes normal and see if I can work it out that way.

If the Rugby is on I could just go and shout at the TV - neat - problem solved!

The Dreams are back

Either side of the Operations last time and now this.

Strange stuff. Last night arguing that I wouldn't need to be kept in for four days just for biopsies. It was very strange indeed. Doctor consults his paperwork and nods sagely. I need to take my mind off of it somehow as it tends to surface more times a day than I'd like and always in my dreams.

I can do without the constant reminders about my condition. The term "coming to live with your condition" takes on a different meaning as I feel that I probably haven't still. May be it takes a lot longer to get used to it.

A bit Deja Vu

This going over old ground and worrying about things (when you can't really do anything about it). Concerns over the insurance and the ability to plan, worries over what the results will be and all that.

I'm not 50 yet and my body decided to pack it in at 49! I feel like I've been filled with some of that contaminated petrol that has been ruining people's cars this week!

I think I will turn in early tonight and see if I can achieve a good night's sleep. I haven't managed that for a long time and I could do with getting some shut eye even if only to allow me to stop this incessant yawning. I realise now that on three occasions over the past week I have been awake at 3 in the morning but still up by 8.

End of the "Working" week

What a week of ups and downs and changes of fortune. Lots of things have been sorted out but I need to get to the post office - I have loads of envelopes all loaded up ready to go, cheques to be paid in and all sorts of odds and ends to clear up.

I will be glad to get some sort of rest this weekend. Not too much though as I have to complete some planning documents and finish off some minutes of a meeting too.

That is what is nagging me

It is the inability to plan anything that annoys me. I can plan to go out next week but beyond the Hospital date then I am stuck as I don't know what will happen next. It puts me out but that really isn't the annoyance either. I could live with that but it also makes it very difficult to go and get a job at the moment. How could I start a job until after we know what the BCG has done or what the next steps are.

Typical Project Manager - Normally I can tame the unknown a bit but at the moment I have no control over my future at all. It's all very disconcerting.

What also happens is that you find it difficult to get motivated to do things and then stay motivated. I have a number of things that I need to do and each time I have to psyche myself up, plan and then run with it and I have to finish it. If I don't I know I will just leave it.

If I feel good is it a good sign?

Someone said that if you feel good then that is a good sign. I do feel very good and I still need to lose some weight so based on that he reckons that I should be OK. Is he a Dr? No, but he is someone that I'd trust to be right about this.

It is a strange thing as I suppose you cannot feel your internal organs - well I don't think you can. I can't feel my bladder or what it is doing etc. So if there was something going on in there I'm not sure how I'd tell but I'd subscribe to the fact that if something was wrong you would notice it.

I'm still reeling a bit from the nature of the disease and possible high likelihood of recurrence. None of which I like the idea of much. Some people have had a number of TURBTs and some have gotten away with just the one.

Same for everybody

I suppose the fear of going into Hospital is the same for everyone - not just me. It feels like it is just me. I really can't stand it and find it thoroughly upsetting.

I don't suppose anyone knows someone who actually likes going in then?

Confirmation

Letters for Operation and pre-flight checks (assessment) are through. 13th and 19th so at least that is something I suppose.

It still turns me over just thinking about it...

A bit? No - a LOT better

It is always refreshing to meet someone who has a completely different way of looking at the world to you. I enjoy being sold ideas that are well thought out, constructed and well delivered.

Over a few pints of bitter - and some very welcome seafood (you hardly see seafood vendors these days - he was most welcome) I learnt the finer points of business intelligence. What a delight to hear a 25 year old explain in easy terminology and to speak about the sort of returns and the avoidance of risk the approach had as a benefit.

But then, after three pints it didn't matter anyway and we spoke a load of tentacles! (Look up earlier posting for explanation).

Well I am cheered up and we both managed to get all our frustrations and annoyances about work aired! Job done, happier than I was earlier so the day ends well - and just before midnight too!

A Bit Better

I have finally sorted out some financial figures that have been bugging me for months. That cheered me up no end as I can now see where the problem was. I fixed someones PC and I am going out for a beer with my Nephew so it is a better end to the day than the rest of it.

Tomorrow I have a meeting in the morning and then I can get on and get some more work done.

So I am a little bit happier than I was earlier on in the day. I hope that lasts

Come On, Cheer Up

I'm having quite a miserable day today. I'm getting on quite well with what I have to do and trudging through a treacle of paperwork but dear oh dear, I just don't feel my normal cheery self. That will probably change when the household arrives back from work and school /college I can probably put my stage face on and sort that but I'll probably still be a little sad inside.

I want everything to be sorted out, normal, back the way it was, like it was about this time last year. Of course that isn't going to happen but that is what I feel like right now. I feel about of "why me" coming on again :-) I know well enough why me - stupid sod! It is amazing how occasionally you feel like this. Ah - there's the front door. time to put on the grease paint and put on the show.

TTFN!

Routines

I hope that having to go in for operations isn't a routine thing. I really hope that after this it moves on to something more manageable and planned. I hate the flexible cystoscopy but I hate the Operating theatre even more. Also at least you get it over and done with pretty quickly - it may sting a bit but at least you don;t end up catheterised and feeling like sh*t.

Stomach churning is just kicking in when I think about it too. I know it has got to be done though. If all is clear then it is less operations, more BCGs and scopes every 6 months. As I convince myself each time. This is better than the alternative.

Slipping the date of the op

Now means that if all is OK that there is potential that the treatment will slip into Easter and I have things to do during Easter. On top of that, it is possible that treatment may hit May and I definitely don't want it to do that as I have a once in a lifetime day out in early May and the last thing I want is to have had a BCG treatment the day before. It is possible to go out the day after but you are always conscious of the need to (possibly) dash to the bathroom something that will not be possible.

It sounds strange that you wouldn't want a treatment - I suppose if I have to have it done then I will just have to give up the opportunity knowing full well it won't come again. Decisions, decisions. As I've said before it makes planning anything an utter nightmare.

Exercise Revisited

I am continuing to do my exercises and 20 minutes 3 or 4 times a week. I tend to do my exercises first thing in the morning before breakfast and occasionally I will do exercises in the evening. 20 minutes is quite good and I have now tried out some of the more strenuous exercises which vary the loading a number of times and simulate hill climbs and descents etc. I also tried the one that works on your pulse alone adjusting the load to suit your heartbeat.

OK, OK, I can hear the mutterings - yes I DO have a heart so there!!