Tonight I went out with my old school buddies.
We have known each other since we were 10 years old!
Tonight we celebrated - my recovery and our friendship.
How I value that friendship - how I value the spark to write this blog.
How I now value each magic moment and how my life has a new focus.
What value can you put on those who will tell you that you are being an "arse" speaking out of the same place or just missing the whole point?
Thank God for all my friends - how have they helped me through this?
Friends - YES - friends - they will help you through the path you have to travel. Tell them to tell you exactly what they see and exactly what you should do. You don't have to agree with them too :-)
Believe me - your friends will be there for you. You are also forgiven if you are not there for them - whilst they are there for you?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
What am I worried about
I am a bit of a big head sometimes and I am the worst (as this blog proves) of being MR POSITIVE! Yet today, I went to this meeting and frankly no one else was in my league - I wiped the floor with most of them.
It is to do with my personality type and also my "inner" self belief but this stuff was so easy today and it must be my experience when compared against the others which makes me ask the right questions.
Anyway - it went really well today - should I take a chance? Well, after having survived this last ten months what do you think?
What have I got to lose?
It is to do with my personality type and also my "inner" self belief but this stuff was so easy today and it must be my experience when compared against the others which makes me ask the right questions.
Anyway - it went really well today - should I take a chance? Well, after having survived this last ten months what do you think?
What have I got to lose?
Slight doubts
About my fitness and stamina to get back to work and do what may be needed on this particular opportunity. There is a lot of organising (no problems that is what I do) but also a fair amount of travelling about too. The 4 meetings a day culture are fine but the area to be covered is massive and on some of the most congested roads on the planet.
The first 3 months are the hardest in terms of throughput and workload, the next three months in terms of being on the road, after 6 months things look a little easier.
Whilst I am far fitter than I was ten months ago, I'm not certain that I have had to sustain the sort of effort I will need in this job.
The first 3 months are the hardest in terms of throughput and workload, the next three months in terms of being on the road, after 6 months things look a little easier.
Whilst I am far fitter than I was ten months ago, I'm not certain that I have had to sustain the sort of effort I will need in this job.
Interesting day to come
I'll be off to London to work through this job opportunity or perhaps it would be better phrased as a business opportunity really.
The business case and the technology all appear to be in order, there are a few anomalies in the basic costing model to be reviewed and some questions about the company structuring that need to be ironed out but in general terms this thing could fly. It will be my luck that it is about to fly when I'm having my treatment.
Mind you, I'm no longer that worried about that sort of thing as frankly not a lot matters these days or perhaps things have a different level of importance and a different value structure.
The business case and the technology all appear to be in order, there are a few anomalies in the basic costing model to be reviewed and some questions about the company structuring that need to be ironed out but in general terms this thing could fly. It will be my luck that it is about to fly when I'm having my treatment.
Mind you, I'm no longer that worried about that sort of thing as frankly not a lot matters these days or perhaps things have a different level of importance and a different value structure.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Two weeks today
And the BCG starts again. It isn't so bad this time - I know what to expect and I know how to deal with the side effects and this time we are starting with a downgraded staging. Knowing what it did to the CIS, it should really work to keep it away this time.
At least I'll be clear of the treatments before my birthday party - not unfortunately on my birthday but there you go. I'll then have the summer off to at last get some holiday time in.
I'm still concerned that this job - the risky one - will really need full time attention for the first three months and I may not be able to give it that - 6 weeks at three days a week and needing some holidays too. I'll be seeing them tomorrow and will see what comes of that meeting.
At least I'll be clear of the treatments before my birthday party - not unfortunately on my birthday but there you go. I'll then have the summer off to at last get some holiday time in.
I'm still concerned that this job - the risky one - will really need full time attention for the first three months and I may not be able to give it that - 6 weeks at three days a week and needing some holidays too. I'll be seeing them tomorrow and will see what comes of that meeting.
Not enough hours in the day
There certainly aren't enough hours left in the day this coming week now. I have just updated my calendar and apart from Monday - every day looks like I am out. I have some work for Thursday which will lead to a few more days worth I'm sure. I have another meeting in London on Tuesday, I'm out Tuesday night and Wednesday lunch time and it also looks like I'm out Friday night too!
I've called off a few things that I need to do and yet this week is now busy as you like. I've also got a major piece of work I should have finished but haven't had a clear run at that I must fit in somehow. I need to plan that later today.
And - yes it is late, It is 1 in the morning and somehow I have got to get to sleep. I have even started drinking decaf coffee so that I can but for some reason - I'm still awake and firing on most cylinders!
I'm hoping that this week sees the end of some outstanding issues and that I can draw a line under that as well. If that is the case then I can move on with my mind focusing on what it needs to do and not to be worried about any outstanding issues. By later this week that will either have resolved itself or will have thrown up some other problems. The insurance claim is I believe borderline and so that is the problem. It is one of those things you don't even want to think about and another thing that is on your mind and given that it has taken since October to get to this point you can probably see the concerns. I think that the forms sat in the "system" for much of that time and I've said it before, that had my family been facing some sort of crisis or had I been terminally ill then it would be difficult to explain why it had taken 7 months to process the paperwork. As it is, I don't think the Insurance Company could have done much more and I wasn't in a mind to push them.
Anyway - this week will mark that milestone.
I've called off a few things that I need to do and yet this week is now busy as you like. I've also got a major piece of work I should have finished but haven't had a clear run at that I must fit in somehow. I need to plan that later today.
And - yes it is late, It is 1 in the morning and somehow I have got to get to sleep. I have even started drinking decaf coffee so that I can but for some reason - I'm still awake and firing on most cylinders!
I'm hoping that this week sees the end of some outstanding issues and that I can draw a line under that as well. If that is the case then I can move on with my mind focusing on what it needs to do and not to be worried about any outstanding issues. By later this week that will either have resolved itself or will have thrown up some other problems. The insurance claim is I believe borderline and so that is the problem. It is one of those things you don't even want to think about and another thing that is on your mind and given that it has taken since October to get to this point you can probably see the concerns. I think that the forms sat in the "system" for much of that time and I've said it before, that had my family been facing some sort of crisis or had I been terminally ill then it would be difficult to explain why it had taken 7 months to process the paperwork. As it is, I don't think the Insurance Company could have done much more and I wasn't in a mind to push them.
Anyway - this week will mark that milestone.
Sunday - a lazy day
Well after being out 6 days on the trot it needed to be a lazy day. There was some motor sport on in the afternoon so I sat and watched that.
It is pretty late now though I got sucked into watching an interesting documentary about Jimi Hendrix. It was particularly interesting and had some clips I hadn't seen before.
I thought about the blog yesterday about the guilt feelings and, then thought that 4 of us - that is friends and people I know got cancer last year and all 4 of us got through it. The other 3 don't have it anymore and I don't but of course need to keep up the treatment to ensure that it stays that way.
I am getting a little concerned about these jobs opportunities. I have two and possibly three in the pipeline and each has a different merit to them and each would provide me with a different challenge. Not one of them is the same! So trying to compare one against the other is almost impossible.
One is a big gamble, another quite a safe option although a lot of travel is involved and the other one is a bit more corporate.
I go and see about one of them on Tuesday, I spoke to the guy yesterday about the other one and I have a "holding pattern" e-mail about the third - decision this week or next week.
I wonder quite what I will decide. My heart tells me that the gamble would be the one to go for but I'm not sure I am fit enough to do it. The second job is right up my street and I know my way around the territory and the products etc. It could well be the right choice. Trouble is it starts in July and goes for 6 weeks. First job is five years at least but need to prove your worth in three months or you are out. The third one is full time 6 months or more.
I'm no gambler yet something says go for it. Interesting.
It is pretty late now though I got sucked into watching an interesting documentary about Jimi Hendrix. It was particularly interesting and had some clips I hadn't seen before.
I thought about the blog yesterday about the guilt feelings and, then thought that 4 of us - that is friends and people I know got cancer last year and all 4 of us got through it. The other 3 don't have it anymore and I don't but of course need to keep up the treatment to ensure that it stays that way.
I am getting a little concerned about these jobs opportunities. I have two and possibly three in the pipeline and each has a different merit to them and each would provide me with a different challenge. Not one of them is the same! So trying to compare one against the other is almost impossible.
One is a big gamble, another quite a safe option although a lot of travel is involved and the other one is a bit more corporate.
I go and see about one of them on Tuesday, I spoke to the guy yesterday about the other one and I have a "holding pattern" e-mail about the third - decision this week or next week.
I wonder quite what I will decide. My heart tells me that the gamble would be the one to go for but I'm not sure I am fit enough to do it. The second job is right up my street and I know my way around the territory and the products etc. It could well be the right choice. Trouble is it starts in July and goes for 6 weeks. First job is five years at least but need to prove your worth in three months or you are out. The third one is full time 6 months or more.
I'm no gambler yet something says go for it. Interesting.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Two more meetings left
Lodge meetings that is, one in June and one in July and then we can have a break until September or October. It is all great fun but towards the end of the season and this last week in particular it was getting a bit much as you tend to have a diary full of meetings, preparing for meetings, rehearsals and visiting.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The guilt of survival
OK - I know I am going to get beaten up about this but can you believe that I now have a guilt feeling about being in the position I am in? I know, how ridiculous after all the whinging I went on about wanting to be there for my family. I got my life back on Tuesday! In the US, a correspondent of mine got the opposite. I feel quite wretched about that until I look at my children's faces and gaze out at my world again. So why even so do I feel like this?
I think that it is because I have met with people who have more advanced problems than I do (mainly online) that I feel this way. Why? Well my diagnosis has made my potential outcome a lot better than theirs. I'm in all probability going to make it, some of the people I have met haven't and will not. I cannot understand why I should be singled out to survive and they didn't - I KNOW - It is a stupid way to think about it. I can't help feeling that - and it is a strange thing - that I shouldn't have survived really. I imagine it is the same with the survivors of a ship wreck or plane crash - how did I survive and how did I come through this and everyone either side of me didn't.
I just feel sad that some of the suffers, diagnosed when I was, haven't made it or probably wont make it. Stupid as it may seem - you now look at your own survival as cheating everyone else. You get a kindred bond with those fellow sufferers you meet online but - and I've said this before - generally those you meet online are more seriously affected and need to share their problems.
I do look on myself as very fortunate and I'll be doing everything possible to keep this well and this healthy. I owe it to myself, my family both here and wider and to my friends who have proved their worth many times over. I have friends who are outspoken (cringingly so) and some who don't express themselves well and some who we just nod and we know what we mean.
It isn't the "Stockholm Syndrome" but there must be a technical term for this - I cheated this but I'm sorry because not everyone else did!
I think that it is because I have met with people who have more advanced problems than I do (mainly online) that I feel this way. Why? Well my diagnosis has made my potential outcome a lot better than theirs. I'm in all probability going to make it, some of the people I have met haven't and will not. I cannot understand why I should be singled out to survive and they didn't - I KNOW - It is a stupid way to think about it. I can't help feeling that - and it is a strange thing - that I shouldn't have survived really. I imagine it is the same with the survivors of a ship wreck or plane crash - how did I survive and how did I come through this and everyone either side of me didn't.
I just feel sad that some of the suffers, diagnosed when I was, haven't made it or probably wont make it. Stupid as it may seem - you now look at your own survival as cheating everyone else. You get a kindred bond with those fellow sufferers you meet online but - and I've said this before - generally those you meet online are more seriously affected and need to share their problems.
I do look on myself as very fortunate and I'll be doing everything possible to keep this well and this healthy. I owe it to myself, my family both here and wider and to my friends who have proved their worth many times over. I have friends who are outspoken (cringingly so) and some who don't express themselves well and some who we just nod and we know what we mean.
It isn't the "Stockholm Syndrome" but there must be a technical term for this - I cheated this but I'm sorry because not everyone else did!
Getting ready to go out again
Since last Monday I have been out every evening. Tonight is the last night and so tomorrow I can get some rest. I'm back out again next Tuesday and it looks like Thursday as well. Just to make my life easier this afternoon, a number of people have pulled out and so it should be fun to find officers to do the jobs especially as one is the Master of the Lodge and now can't make it!
I've got some more decisions to make next week about career direction. I have a potential job I could start straight away and another that I could start in July - both are very interesting and I could fit both around my treatment. I'm not sure about holidays though. we all need a break and I'd rather we all go away than I get a job that would keep me extremely busy over the summer. In one way I need the challenge of the job but in another way, making sure that it is the right time is probably more important. It should be fun next week "doing the right thing"
I've got some more decisions to make next week about career direction. I have a potential job I could start straight away and another that I could start in July - both are very interesting and I could fit both around my treatment. I'm not sure about holidays though. we all need a break and I'd rather we all go away than I get a job that would keep me extremely busy over the summer. In one way I need the challenge of the job but in another way, making sure that it is the right time is probably more important. It should be fun next week "doing the right thing"
Keeping up the regime
It is too easy to drop your guard and go back to the old lifestyle just because of one bit of good news. I'm sure that my lifestyle changes have supported the work that the treatment gave and my new levels of fitness can only help when the treatment starts again in a few weeks time. It does knock you about a bit and it can leave you very tired and a little sore.
I think that because I am that much fitter and a lot of people have said that I "sound" so much better in myself that I can only improve my chances of this not coming back.
If I can manage to be clear at the next stage in October then the chances of recurrence get less. Each time you are clear thereafter the chances also decrease.
It is a nasty little cancer though as it can just keep coming back. If it does they can cut it out and stick you back on the roller Coaster again.
Where have I got to on the Roller Coaster? Probably just through the water splash - gone past the terrified stage and now in the exhilarated stage.
Much happier today about things.
I think that because I am that much fitter and a lot of people have said that I "sound" so much better in myself that I can only improve my chances of this not coming back.
If I can manage to be clear at the next stage in October then the chances of recurrence get less. Each time you are clear thereafter the chances also decrease.
It is a nasty little cancer though as it can just keep coming back. If it does they can cut it out and stick you back on the roller Coaster again.
Where have I got to on the Roller Coaster? Probably just through the water splash - gone past the terrified stage and now in the exhilarated stage.
Much happier today about things.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Embarrassing
I was at one of my Lodge meetings this evening and announced the good news and there was a round of applause when I said that I was, to all intents and purposes, cancer free.
That was a bit embarrassing to me but it did make me realise how many people are "fighting my corner". I feel a little weepy and humble tonight and I met loads of people that I know and their pleasure at my news was so spontaneous.
I am very pleased that so many people are also in my corner fighting with me.
That was a bit embarrassing to me but it did make me realise how many people are "fighting my corner". I feel a little weepy and humble tonight and I met loads of people that I know and their pleasure at my news was so spontaneous.
I am very pleased that so many people are also in my corner fighting with me.
At Long Last
My printing has arrived - the wrong address on it - no wonder they couldn't find me.
I now need to see if I can stuff 200 envelopes with personalised letters and documents so that we can get them posted tomorrow.
I now need to see if I can stuff 200 envelopes with personalised letters and documents so that we can get them posted tomorrow.
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Another from my Uncle - Nice one!
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire; My second marriage was to an actor; My third marriage was to a priest; And now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
And four to go!"
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire; My second marriage was to an actor; My third marriage was to a priest; And now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
And four to go!"
Senior Moments
I'm obliged to my Uncle for sending me this and some more:
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
It is a dilemma
I mean what do I have if there isn't any cancer left in my bladder? Believe it or not I'm still technically a bladder cancer patient and I'm still undergoing treatment but, if there isn't any cancer in there then it seems quite strange. I'm not cured, I just don't have cancer there inside me now.
It is a very strange feeling I have to say. There isn't anything there at the moment. Now those cells have got to start behaving themselves normally again and that is what the treatment should teach them to do.
It really is the most surreal thing, I can't quite work it out at all and I'm not slow but I just can't take it in that it has all but gone. I occasionally stop and think about it and give a smile and then move on. Writing this I still can't quite believe it.
It is a very strange feeling I have to say. There isn't anything there at the moment. Now those cells have got to start behaving themselves normally again and that is what the treatment should teach them to do.
It really is the most surreal thing, I can't quite work it out at all and I'm not slow but I just can't take it in that it has all but gone. I occasionally stop and think about it and give a smile and then move on. Writing this I still can't quite believe it.
A Bad Night's Sleep
I had a bad old night, woke at 2:30 and didn't get back to sleep until about 5 I guess. It was none of the usual brain stuff, worrying or thinking things through because - what is there to think through now?
I feel fine this morning though. Another one of my busy days due in no uncertain measure to this parcel being late. When that arrives I've got stacks of work to do that should have been done on Monday or Tuesday.
I'm out again tonight and tomorrow afternoon and evening and hopefully I can just relax on Sunday.
I feel fine this morning though. Another one of my busy days due in no uncertain measure to this parcel being late. When that arrives I've got stacks of work to do that should have been done on Monday or Tuesday.
I'm out again tonight and tomorrow afternoon and evening and hopefully I can just relax on Sunday.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Every Night This Week
I have been out every night this week so far and I'm out tomorrow and Saturday night. It has to be the busiest week of the year so far. I didn't plan to be this busy but one thing led to another and this was how it worked out.
Oh well, at least next week is looking less busy.
Oh well, at least next week is looking less busy.
TMS - Summer must be here
The first test match of the summer - at Lords (I was there last year!). Test Match Special is on and you can get it on the Internet from the BBC web site.
Blowers is on good form - very excited and already on the Cranes and Pigeons and Buses are all good fill in material between each ball.
It isn't quite the right weather - a bit warmer, a jug of Pimms and perhaps a few cold beers. Maybe I'll get to the Oval or Lords later this year.
For anyone not in the cricketing world I apologise for this particular blog as you probably haven't got a clue what I am talking about.
Also, how can we have invented a game that takes 5 days to play? Well imagine that the bar is open all day and that you can have a picnic, read your Newspaper and wander around and just spend a great day out in the sun (normally). They also do the best bacon rolls in the world at Lords!
Blowers is on good form - very excited and already on the Cranes and Pigeons and Buses are all good fill in material between each ball.
It isn't quite the right weather - a bit warmer, a jug of Pimms and perhaps a few cold beers. Maybe I'll get to the Oval or Lords later this year.
For anyone not in the cricketing world I apologise for this particular blog as you probably haven't got a clue what I am talking about.
Also, how can we have invented a game that takes 5 days to play? Well imagine that the bar is open all day and that you can have a picnic, read your Newspaper and wander around and just spend a great day out in the sun (normally). They also do the best bacon rolls in the world at Lords!
I must stop doing that
Telling a joke or a smart arse one-liner when people have a mouthful of drink!
The one-liner?
We were talking about someone we knew but we weren't sure how old he was and as the conversation was going around in a circle I suggested - as you do - that we cut the blokes head off and count the rings!
After avoiding getting covered in beer we did re-think my strategy as being pretty terminal for the guy we were talking about.
The one-liner?
We were talking about someone we knew but we weren't sure how old he was and as the conversation was going around in a circle I suggested - as you do - that we cut the blokes head off and count the rings!
After avoiding getting covered in beer we did re-think my strategy as being pretty terminal for the guy we were talking about.
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