How to change without upsetting the troops

It is a strange thing to say I complain in one way that I want to change but really lack the enthusiasm currently to do so. It may be a lack of will power but then it is also a pretty selfish thing to do as well as it means that either you go off and do your own thing or you make everyone else come along and share your dream or goal with you.

I am perhaps now wrestling with this balance thing. Much as I did last year flitting in a binary fashion between one fad and another and recognizing too late the damage (potentially) I was doing to myself in an effort to get back to full heath (I know - the Irony of it all!!).

I realise now that you make great plans because you have something to aim at and it keeps you going or it is something to strive towards. Suddenly, reality bites. I can't just go off and do some of these things without destroying who I am, what I stand for and my friendships and my family and so on. To go off and blow the cash or tour the canals in a narrow boat or sail the oceans isn't actually what I truly want to do (apart from the canal boat that is). :-)

I have duties and responsibilities to my family and to my children and that is an anchor pulling me back to the truth. Sure - if I had come off second best to this, they would have had to get on without me - I'm sure the insurance money from that event would have made it quite a comfortable experience :-) the fact is I am here, not a lot different to the way I was before and whilst there is a certain "difference" in me it isn't anywhere near as pronounced or as acute as I think it probably is. There are a few exceptions to this rule of course but generally I am the same with perhaps a bit more "insight" or maybe being a bit more "philosophical" than I used to be.

I think today I begin to really understand that whilst I now expect so much more out of life, it isn't going to be something overnight, it isn't going to be something drastic, t isn't going to involve some major act of human endeavour - no - it is going to be a slow and thought through series of acts and measures that will change things but gradually and without upheaval or upsetting anyone else in the process. Frankly we have all been upset enough these past few years!

Getting out of the doldrums

It is exactly how it feels at the moment. I've not been making much headway at all. I just seem to be stuck with the wreckage of the old strewn around me and the embryo of the new growing a little too slowly for my liking and feeling positively far off in the distance.

The need to get closure and to finally walk away is as strong as ever and yet, it still haunts me. It clouds the decisions I need to make and it claws at my back as I try to move forwards.

This week should be a good one for me as I am going out a fair bit and perhaps I can have a bit of a purge the devil with some old friends of mine on Thursday evening. We are staying at a Hotel in town so may perhaps do some serious drinking and talking - although whether the talking will improve with the drinking may be a moot point!

It is a strange time for me at the moment as I can quite clearly see what I want to do and where I want to go. What I cannot seem to do is break free and get out of the sloth like rut I am in.

I'm not quite sure whether it is some sort of side effect as I really haven't been like this before I got BC and so I am quite annoyed with myself that I am not making good use of my time or gaining full benefit from being without cancer. I thought that I would be up for anything, adventurous, find the inner me and all that stuff so stereotypical of soaps and slush films. Nope! I cannot get the enthusiasm for it at all.

It may seem silly, it may even seem a strange thing to say but I cannot seem to make the effort to get up and enjoy myself and I know I should be leaping about and all excited and doing things I promised myself I'd do if I recovered and what is annoying is this malaise - almost an anticlimactic response to the whole thing.

I intend to do something about it and it isn't just one thing, I believe it is a combination of expectations not met, people who have let me down or perhaps not met my high expectations of them, work, how I feel about myself and others and a whole batch of other stuff too.

I also need to make sure that I haven't become someone I hate. I'm not certain I like my new been there done that me much either.

Well - that was an interesting blog - that took me along way further than I thought it would :-) Gosh - what a lot of trouble and all post traumatic stuff I have no doubt.

I tend to consider that perhaps people aren't making it up when they get PTS.

Phase 2 kicks in

I signed up today with a solicitor who specialises in debt recovery and so phase 2 should be ready for me in a few days time. ACAS (arbitration) were also on to me today - I was happy to go down that route. I explained the details that I had to hand and for them to let me know what they wanted in this respect.

I feel things are moving and I'm feeling OK about this now. I have convinced myself that it isn't "me" and that the stuff I have is correct and that it will stand up in court, in tribunal or in arbitration.

Now to see which way the business will jump. As with all these things, I know that this may not be successful but it may close it down for me sooner rather than later. If it forces them to close down so be it. If it means that I get paid and that I get some compensation for working for them last year for nothing! Then again it is worth it.

I'm gradually getting this Monkey off of my back. The trouble is it is going to do some serious damage to a lot of people whatever happens - there is no way that can stop.

The year of getting better

A week today I go back for treatment and whilst I can't say I am looking forward to it greatly, I understand why I am having it. The way that it worked last year meant that I didn't really get to rest on the second day like I really should have done and this time, I am going to try and make an effort to take my time to recover properly.

There are some obvious issues with having the treatment again. These are that you do feel rough for a day and a bit but also you tend to bleed a bit too and that really is quite disconcerting as it rewinds you right back to those early days and the early signs of the disease. It brings back those memories and the (dare I say) uncomfort/pain of that time far off in 2006.

I'm quite busy over the next few weeks and that in itself will keep my mind off the treatment a bit but will also focus my mind on the task in hand - that of setting up my new business - or rather - deciding whether I should set it up and run with it. Typically I went to look up for a University Course that I learnt about on Saturday and the closing date for applications was - you guessed it - Saturday :-) Such is my luck - I will have to wait until later this year to see if I can get a place or perhaps see if there are other courses worth doing.

Uplifting

Well it was a good day out yesterday. I am the same with most things these days - once I actually get going I am OK - it is getting the enthusiasm to get going that is difficult.

The evening before with a very nice few beers and a curry and 8 of us out for the evening was great and I was up nice and early to get over to Essex for the event.

I arrived in plenty of time and took myself off to Barking High Street. The Cafe I popped into had a "Hale & Hearty" breakfast on the menu which looked just the ticket. So I had a mug of tea and a breakfast that, when it arrived, could have fed a small family for a week! I struggled to finish it off but I eventually managed it. I thought that it was a good thing I hadn't asked for toast or bread with it :-) Phew.

It was a nice walk and I needed the walk back to the school where the AGM and Fair was taking place. I met up with 5 other members of the family which was great and we had a good day out enjoying the talks and the stands. I picked up lots of stuff that I can use to research becoming a researcher!

So I had a great day out and enjoyed myself a lot and now all I have to do is look through the mile of stuff I brought back with me and evaluate it all.

Off out for a ruby

Ruby Murray (Curry). well I've got to get into the Cockney Rhyming slang for tomorrow as it is the East Of London Family History Society AGM :-)

It was an absolute nightmare growing up with my dad who was always coming out with rhyming names for things. Duke of York - Fork, Apples and Pears - Stairs and so on.

Anyway - off for a curry with 7 more mates and I am really looking forward to it. I have finally stated to feel a lot better in myself and tonight and tomorrow are things that I have been looking forward to.

So I'm off to the rub-a-dub for a few pints of beer and a ruby! I'm not sure if it will cost e a Monkey or a Pony (I can't remember what they are in monetary terms)- nuff said!

That's better

I fixed up a load of shelves and bits for my friend's mum and dad. Had a good walk there and back and was able to put up the shelves and sort it out in about 30 minutes.

So I feel good about myself now. I think I have been pretty hard on myself these past few months - not sure why I should think that way. At the end of the day it isn't me who has been a parasite after all. I'm not even sure why I carried around the baggage of blaming myself either. Perhaps that is the way these things work they prey on your good nature and gamble that you wont do anything about it or they are just plain ignorant.

So - now I am in a good frame of mind I shall be getting myself ready for tomorrow's AGM of the Family History Society and beginning to get feedback about whether or not a Family History Researcher can pay the bills :-) Moreover there is a fair on during the day and I want to pick up ideas and meet people in the know and see what they think. I also hope to get back some of my collection of maps, fiches and other things I sold a few years ago as I need them now! Doh!

Also out with the lads tonight for a few beers and a curry which is going to be great - I am looking forward to that - a crowd of 8 or so of us.

Off to do my bit now

As I am at home a lot more I can go and help people out. Just off to fix some shelves for my friend's mum and dad.

That will make me feel all warm and good inside and take away the evil nasty feelings I have towards my ex-employers. well I hope it does.

Oh to see

The look on their faces tomorrow - especially when they read paragraph 14 of their notice.

I wonder what amazing statute or Law they can magic up to defend this?

I must stop gloating as it was only a few days ago I felt differently about this. Later today I will be lending assistance to those in need. I hope that those who have tormented me get to have a very bad day and weekend indeed. I shall not.

On a more upbeat note - I was delighted to be taken out for a few beers this evening which may perchance explain my rather belligerent mood at the moment.

There are not many people in the world that I hold a grudge against but I am sure the tables will be turned tomorrow and that finally, with an official Government document delivered in their hands they will realise that they are finally being reeled in. I am sure my claim is just the tip of the iceberg.

The papers have arrived

My case has been accepted and the papers are about to be served. Author lets out a big sigh of relief :-)

What I like about it is the closing paragraph which states categorically that complete non-payment of wages is unlawful. Argue that one guys.

I feel a bit better today

It is strange how you get that feeling of a "weight lifted off" - it does actually feel like that and today, I feel much better all around as I have made my decision and done something about it.

Perhaps I should have learnt that from having had BC. The problem was waiting to hear what you had and imagining what things would be like. The actual part of being told what you had was if anything a relief because - at least you knew - that was another weight lifted as was being told things were clear.

So the deed is done and is being investigated first to check that there is a case and then these so called "business men" can expect a rather interesting letter to answer. They then have a choice to pay me and stop the proceedings or to contest the case in which event they might find out a very interesting aspect of the Law which is that you cannot use someones services and not pay for them. As a minimum they should have paid the national minimum wage. What I always enjoyed about dealing with these guys was their ability to come up with some Law (that doesn't exist) to justify a position that they were taking.

As we say in Blighty "Pick the bones out of that!"

Yes - feeling better and glad I finally made this decision.

A Good Day and interesting evening too

Well that was an enjoyable and interesting day and evening. I rushed off as a friend was going up early to London and forgot part of my regalia - my collar- which was a nightmare as I was probably the only one of a couple of hundred not wearing a collar. DOH (Thanks Homer).

Anyway - it was nice not to have to do anything and to enjoy a day out with good company. The last couple of speeches were well written but poorly delivered!! I need to remind people that comedians are funny because they have timing and delivery skills. No matter how good a Vicar and a Lawyer may have thought they were - they were not amusing and wasted 30 minutes of valuable drinking time IMHO.

Right - off to bed with a Statin now!

Great - well that cheered me up

My daughter "A" has had two Universities say yes and give her the opportunity (subject to Exam results) to go to them. She has another two, further away, one of which requires a project and portfolio to support her application, the other is by interview in a few weeks. She is a very good Photographer, better than I could ever be. What I liked was that she wasn't certain she had done well at the interview and it is amazing how sometimes you can walk out of somewhere and think you did really badly and yet you get the job or whatever. They were pretty tough on a 17 year old - but then again I was actually working when I was 17!

I always wanted to be a photographer when I was young and, of course, that really wasn't the done thing so I went into engineering with a solid Apprenticeship - not that it did me any harm and it has set me up for the last 30 odd years and I have all the stuff you need etc.

But of course, you always wonder what would have happened if we hadn't moved from London to the sticks where the curriculum was different. If I'd have stayed in London I'd have been in the right sets for top school placements as a new kid in the country I was put in the bottom class and didn't go. That was out of my control and frankly, if the family hadn't have moved we would never have had the lifestyle our parents gave us so I'm not saying that it was wrong either - that's just the way it is. I just wonder whether I'd have been living a different life altogether?

For those reasons, we have stayed in this house for 20 years to provide a stable environment and whilst I think that Photography is highly competitive and perhaps not so well paid, I see no reason to force a change in emphasis on "A" at all. If she can do this, she should. Good luck to her.

I'm really pleased for her, delighted. One of my ambitions or regrets I suppose in reality, was to not to have gone to University. perhaps I will get the opportunity later this year to do so with my new venture? I'd like to think that I can rise above all the present wreckage and do that. Something up my street like History will do me fine.

It is Done

I don't feel particularly good or bad about it but the form has been electronically filed this morning and I hope that it will set in motion recovery of some of my money. This is the one that can easily be addressed as there is a Government Agency set up to do just this.

The business to business claim will be a bit more difficult but I will probably do a little work on that and then push out an official document to get their attention. The trouble with this is that it will cost money and as they haven't paid me much at all - I may as well use my money to better effect.

I can't say that it is a weight off my mind or that I am happy about going down this route but it is one of those things I suppose. I actually feel a slightly sick feeling in my stomach about it. Anyway, I can hardly see why that should be I am after all the victim here.

It will be interesting to see if the claim is accepted in the first place and how they will respond in the second. The key thing here is that I get my claim in now and join the queue of creditors!

So having said all of that - I'm sure that in a day or two I will see that this is the right thing to do. Goodness knows I gave them enough time and attention explaining how these things worked.

I'm off out later today to a very special meeting in London which I am looking forward to immensely. I went about three years ago and had the most fantastic time. I need to enjoy this one as I may never get another chance to go again. An invite is as rare as Hen's teeth.

What on earth is holding me back

From pushing the button and going for the people who obviously didn't give two stuffs about me? I still think about all the other people who are affected and yet I know I should take this action and it is going to lead to other consequences. Push the button, submit the form, await the due process of the law. Come on - do it and have done with it.

Should I give them one more chance or did they squander that when they libeled me? Do I give them an opportunity to get off the hook? Has it all gone too far for that now and what really needs to happen is that reality needs to kick in.

I know that some people are going to get hurt (not me) when I do this and to be honest with you, I don't think that I can find any redeeming feature in any of their behaviours or characters that should be making me stop, think and double check what I am doing I mean, for goodness sake, I just went through 18 months of health hell and a few legal letters and an appearance in court or similar shouldn't be daunting for me. Inconvenient perhaps but it has to be done. If not for my sake - then to stop them doing this to anyone else and thinking that it is perfectly acceptable to employ someone and then not pay them. Who do they think they are? It is after all against the law to take someone's efforts and not reward them.

It's amazing that I am even thinking like this when I should just be getting on and sorting it out.

I am afraid that it is another one of my recent traits - I never used to be this indecisive (but now I'm not so sure)! I had to put that in there before the readershp did :-)

I have printed out the legals and will read it all again in the morning. If it makes sense and I still haven't had any response back from my other communications then I shall do it. If nothing else at least it will force some sort of end game and some form of closure.

The Joy of E-mail

I dropped a note to the Hospital and they confirmed that I don't have to go in on the 1st and it is back to plan A. That is finish off the 3 BCGs and then come in 12 weeks later for an operation to take the biopsies. I'd have actually preferred the flexible but there you go.

Good - all sorted in a few hours thanks to e-mail.

That is a bit of a shock

I just had a letter from the Hospital wanting me to go in for a Flexible Cystoscopy on the 1st February. The reason it is a shock? Well I am in the middle of my BCG treatment at that time and I was told that I would need an operation not a flexible and that 12 weeks after the 11th February. It is also lucky that I decided not to go away that weekend too by the looks of things.

I will have to ring up and see what is happening. I don't mind but it would seem a bit unusual to do this right in the middle of treatment rather than seeing how things had progressed after it?

I will have to give them a call and ask the question I suppose. I don't fancy getting a flexible on Friday and then having to get a BCG one on Monday. Ooh it makes me go all shivery just thinking about it.

At least the Flexible is done at the local Hospital - the first one I had was at a Hospital some distance away and the drive home was excruciatingly painful. At least this way we can be at home in a few minutes and I can just curl up in a ball and be able to sort myself out.

Push the button

It is getting nearer to the the time when I have to do the right thing and push the button and start the litigation process off.

Curiously enough I am a man of my word even if they can't be. I said I would wait for them to reorganise their business before I did anything and await their response. Well they set up their business (new one) last year and still haven't told me so I reckon that in the next few days I will push that button which will send off the forms and set the wheels in motion.

How sad that it should come to this. And again, how many others have suffered the actions of these handful of ignorant, elf-centered, arrogant fools?

You may perhaps have gauged from the tone above that I have little time for these people anymore. Rightly so, I notice that they haven;t suffered any issues because they have been getting paid regularly from the investors! Just a shame they squandered all the money and delivered nothing over 2 years really :-)

Co-incidence or...

I got a call from one of my fellow suppliers to the business and it was just as I was dropping off the aforementioned pee sample to the Hospital. He is in a worse position than I am having worked for 8 months and not got anything apart from one payment and he is due money himself. Soundest advice I could give was do he feel that he would realistically get his money back. It isn't just me who is suffering from the morons - there are others too.

Anyway, I then handed in my sample and went to the Library to get a readers' card and came back via the Post Office (Passport and photo) and then via the pub so I have had a good 3 or 4 hours out walking and doing things. I have to say my head feels the better for it!

Plus a few beers and lunch and an hour thinking about "things" seems to have assisted me to move forward.

Moving a step closer

I completed an employment tribunal form this morning. I just now need to hit the button for the form to be sent and proceedings to commence. I'm still a little hesitant to do this as it will rain down a level of Government backed legislation on the business that they probably never dreamed off. If they think they are beleaguered after upsetting the majority of shareholders and watching them walk away, they should see what they have unleashed here.

As usual, the pleadings of these people will be those of some oppressed much put upon entrepreneur and yet, they cannot continue to get people involved in their business, use their services and then not pay them.

I feel like someone about to let loose an Atom Bomb by pushing the button. I'm not sure what day will be the right one to press it or what damage will be done? Do they deserve it? You bet they do.